A/N: For reasons unknown, this chapter was incredibly difficult to write. :) Thanks to eponine119 for making sure I wasn't writing nonsense before posting, and sorry for the long wait!
—-
Maybe I know somewhere deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways to make it alone
Or keep a straight face
And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable distance
And up until now I had sworn to myself
That I'm content with loneliness
Because none of it was ever worth the risk
But you are the only exception
Paramore, The Only Exception
—-
Chapter 15: Follow The Leader
By the time the end of February came around, James and Juliet began seeing a lot less of one another, much to their bitter disappointment. Kevin, the no-longer Head of Dharma Initiative Security, left on the sub with his wife to have their first child back in the States. To everyone's complete surprise, Brad too decided to leave after receiving bad news from back home. This left the security team strapped for new members, and new recruits weren't going to be due for another six weeks.
In the days following their departure, Miles, Jin, and Juliet found James to be an angry, anxious mess, and walked on eggshells whenever he was in one of his moods. He wouldn't admit to anyone that he secretly coveted the position of Head of Security, but they knew him well enough to know that he did. It spoke volumes that he worked overtime without being asked, created a sample shift schedule for Horace to make sure something was in place when Kevin left, and never complained at being asked to cover odd hours no one else seemed to want. Miles and Jin couldn't understand why; after all, the promotion would only mean more work and far more responsibility. They still held out hope that they'd get off this island eventually, so why try so hard? Why bother? They all knew the D.I. would be toast in the future anyway.
But Juliet knew why. James had never worked for an honest promotion (or anything, really) in his life, and she thought perhaps deep down he might feel unworthy of receiving it, given his past. She couldn't blame him if that were the case, really, considering.
They were all right of course, in their assumptions, but James didn't know that. He'd played it off for months now - making sure everyone knew he didn't truly care one way or the other. (Because seriously, why the hell did he even care, anyway? These hippies had done a real number on him). He shouldn't care. He knew that. But despite his chafing resistance to all things Dharma most of the time, he really didn't know what would be worse: not receiving the promotion he'd been trained for, for God's sake, or seeing the pity in their faces when they found out. But no one could deny the hard work he'd been putting into his job, and no one had the heart to tell him they knew his secret (and were rooting for him behind the scenes).
Six days after Kevin and Brad left, Juliet felt herself bored and worried about James. It was Saturday night and Miles was with Sandra, and Jin had long since gone to bed. He was an early riser, even on his days off. She tried reading, doing a puzzle, folding her laundry that had been taken off the line earlier that day, but nothing helped. Eventually, she wondered if it was boredom at all. Perhaps it was something she hadn't felt in ages, it seemed: loneliness.
Chewing on her bottom lip, Juliet weighed her options. She could pay James a visit at the security station, even though she knew she wasn't supposed to be there, or she could go to bed - alone. After only a few minutes of indecision, she grinned cheekily before heading in the direction of the security station.
When she arrived, she tiptoed down the stairs and gently pushed open the double doors. He looked up at her with a curious grin on his face, and she felt herself matching his expression. It didn't surprise her that he was there alone.
"Whatcha doin' out here so late, Blondie?" he asked. He had some papers laid out before him and his glasses on the bridge of his nose.
"You don't seem too surprised," she pointed out. He stuck his thumb toward the cameras beside him. "Ah. Of course. Security, and all." He chuckled and winked at her before pulling off his glasses and rubbing his eyes tiredly.
"Yeah. Saw ya comin'. It does surprise me, though. Didn't think I'd see anyone traipsin' around this time 'a night." He patted the desk, indicating she should sit.
"I was thinking about going to bed, but… I missed you." She obliged his request and hopped up onto the desk next to his papers. He stroked her knee lazily over her jeans, looking more tired than Juliet had seen in a long time.
"I missed you, too," he admitted, and leaned down to kiss the top of her thigh before giving her a half-hearted smile. It was such a sweet gesture, it made her chest ache.
"How much longer do you think you'll be here?" Juliet probed tentatively, not wanting to upset him.
He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "A while."
Juliet nodded, trying to look optimistic, though she felt the complete opposite. "So, I guess there's no use inviting you over tonight?"
James shook his head, and his eyes darted back to the cameras. Once upon a time she'd visited him here long before they were anything, and now they were something, and as much as James desperately wanted to abandon ship and go back to her place, he knew he couldn't. All those times he'd imagined her showing up here and surprising him, and now she did and he was too stressed and tired to pay her much mind.
Juliet watched him, trying to think of something to say. She couldn't shake the feeling that he was pushing her away. "I know you want the job, James, but working this hard won't sway Horace's decision at this point. He knows what he knows and there's nothing else you can do."
James scoffed, not deigning to look at her. "I don't want the job. Just tryin' to help him out, is all."
Juliet smiled wanly. "That's not all this is and you and I both know it."
James bit the inside of his cheek, trying to think of a witty remark, something to protect himself and hide his true intentions. But nothing came. The silence told her everything she needed to know.
"Horace has been good to us. And you've been good to him. You're a huge asset, and he knows it. You've proven it time and time again, especially with Richard. He'll pick you; and if he doesn't, then he's a fool. But there's nothing more you can do to change the tide now." Juliet reached out her hand to take his. He allowed her to, but didn't squeeze back.
Eyes still roaming dutifully on the monitors, he replied softly, "You really think I'll get it?" His voice was small, and it cut through Juliet worse than if he'd shouted.
"I do. You've worked so hard for it. You deserve it." James cut his eyes to hers at the word 'deserve.' Juliet must have been right about her suspicions. Perhaps she was better at reading him than she thought.
For a moment, neither said anything, just looked at one another and listened to the faint buzzing of the monitors. Behind her, a lightbulb flickered. "I just can't relax," he complained sourly. "Ever since Kev went into papa bear mode, it's just been fuckin' chaos 'round here. You'd think we'd have had a better plan in place, but then Brad Pitt went and abandoned ship too."
"He told Amy he had a family emergency," she pointed out wryly.
James rolled his eyes. "Yeah sure. And it ain't had nothin' to do with you bein' suddenly unavailable."
Now it was Juliet's turn to roll her eyes. "James, you can't possibly be serious. It had nothing to do with me."
"Mmmhmm, yeah, right."
Juliet slicked her tongue over her teeth, and taunted, "I think you're just jealous. You always have been." She added a playful grin and knocked her knee into his.
"Puh! Jealous of what?"
"Oh, I don't know. You made it seem like I was your property any time he came anywhere near me."
"He was sleazy, Jules!"
"No, he wasn't. He was perfectly friendly. And you liked him too! Up until he started showing me an ounce of attention." James grumbled and his eyes flicked back to the cameras, dropping her hand to cross his arms over his chest. "You know I'm right."
"Whatever," he grumbled. Juliet giggled and hopped off the desk. She swiveled his chair around so he could continue to watch the monitors, but she also sat carefully onto his lap. She draped one arm around his shoulders and used the other to play with his hair, running her fingers through it and working out the knots. He closed his eyes and swallowed, savoring her touch. It didn't take long for his arms to snake around her back, holding her tightly.
She knew it was against protocol, and she knew her being there posed a security risk, but it was almost one in the morning and she really couldn't help herself. She didn't want to jeopardize his chances, but being here with him was worth the risk.
Removing her fingers from his hair, Juliet cupped James's cheek. She ran her thumb along the short beard that had grown in over the last few days and brought her lips down to his. His lips were soft and warm and sent shivers down her spine. No matter how many times they kissed, the feeling was the same, and she craved it the way a drowning man craved air. She knew he felt it too, when she heard him inhale deeply before clutching at her purple floral shirt.
After a few moments of delicate, gentle kisses, Juliet pulled back. James's eyes felt too heavy to open. He didn't know what to say. He had to get back to work, but having her here was like being in the presence of something rare and holy - he didn't want to scare her away.
Wordlessly, Juliet licked her lips and climbed off his lap. She tugged on his hand, asking him to stand with her eyes alone. He scanned the monitors, but everything was quiet, so he reluctantly obliged by her request. She pushed him down onto the desk so that he occupied her previous seat. She sat down on the chair in front of him and grinned wickedly.
James swallowed, thinking he might know where this was going. Juliet unzipped his jumpsuit and James's breathing increased exponentially. He was certainly wide awake now. When Juliet slipped her hand into James's boxers, he closed his eyes and leaned back against the wall. "Juliet, you don't - " he started to say. But she shushed him and pulled the quickly-hardening length of him through the gap in his boxers.
James had imagined her coming here many, many times before. But everything he'd envisioned? It was all fairly tame to what she began doing to him now, lit only by the flickering, low light of the security station's fluorescent bulbs. He could barely breathe, it felt so good. Every lick, every suck, every gentle swoosh or flick of her tongue and it felt like lightning was flooding through him. He could feel his pulse pounding in his throat, and his vision began to sway.
Juliet took her time. She wasn't trying to rush him, she just wanted him to feel good. And God almighty, James felt like he was on fire. He grunted and gripped the edge of the desk, feeling the tendons in his neck flexing each time she plunged deeply onto him. When she increased her speed, he knew he wouldn't last long. When she reached into his boxers to cup him, it was the last straw - he groaned out her name as he came hard into her mouth, scared for a moment that he maybe should have warned her first. But he didn't realize she was going to do that, and it had all been too much.
But she took it in stride and swallowed, wiping her mouth on the back of her hand. He handed her his canteen of water, sweating and still shaking from the intensity of his orgasm. She took it gratefully and took a generous swig. But still she looked unphased.
James tucked himself back into his boxers and zipped up his jumpsuit, jaw hanging open and staring at her in mild shock. "What the hell was that for?" he breathed.
She quirked her lips to the side in a shy smile. "I just wanted to help," was all she offered, punctuated by a brief shrug.
He opened his arms and she folded herself into them, burying her face into his neck and breathing in deeply. "I don't deserve you," he whispered against her hair, and squeezed her tighter.
Juliet didn't know what to say to that, so she murmured, "Do you feel better?"
James pulled away enough to look down into her face. "I was happy as a clam the moment you walked through those doors," he whispered, and gave her a quick kiss on the lips. "But ya know what'll be even better?"
"Hmm?"
"Knowin' you're warm and cozy in bed. Ya need to get some sleep." He tried to be gentle. He didn't want her to think he was kicking her out, but the heaviness of her eyelids was hard to ignore, especially this close.
Thankfully, she didn't seem to take it the wrong way. She merely nodded and sighed, giving him one last kiss on his neck before pulling away. She tried to stifle a yawn, giving him the side eye as his expression clearly said, 'I told you so.' They both chuckled and he pulled her in for one last hug.
"Go get some rest, Juliet."
"Will you come over after your shift?" she asked, yawning again.
James thought about it. He wanted to, but he decided against it. "Not tonight," he explained, and though she looked disappointed, she nodded and gave a small wave before disappearing behind the double doors.
He somehow felt both lighter and more burdened when he sat back down into his seat. The endorphins were still running rampant, but he also felt a strange sense of guilt for not taking Juliet up on her offer. He couldn't even really pinpoint why he'd said no. On the surface, he could argue it was because he didn't want to wake her. He could maybe even argue it was because it was healthy for them to have some space every once in a while (but that was a lie, wasn't it? He didn't want his space).
But maybe it was neither of those things. Maybe it was just plain old fear, rearing its ugly and most unwelcomed head. It wasn't lost on him that he slept better with her by his side. That his favorite thing in the world these days was seeing her open her eyes in the morning, or waking up with her hands idly brushing his skin. That when he wasn't with her, he was thinking about her, and that he never felt like he had enough time when she was beside him.
He felt old habits stirring to life in his bones, and it reminded him of Kate - always running. She always got out before the water got too deep, something James was all too familiar with. Maybe that's one of the things he'd always found so comforting about her - that she understood self-preservation more than anyone else he'd ever known.
But that wasn't true anymore, was it? Juliet knew all about protecting herself from everything around her. It's what kept them apart; all these months of desperate longing stemmed from neither of them being brave enough to get their heads out of their asses and put their hearts on the line. And now here he was, feeling a deep, intense ache at not being with her, and still choosing to suffer instead of admitting what he already knew to be true and just giving in to it.
James knew he was a stubborn bastard, but old habits die hard. He was adamant that no matter how he felt, he didn't need anybody. He just needed to prove it to himself.
—-
Two long days passed, and James found his feet leading him instinctively towards the motor pool. He scanned the open garages but didn't see her, so he tapped Chris on the shoulder, asking, "Where is she?"
Chris pointed to a van on the far end of the line where two blue legs stuck out from underneath it. James rapped on the side of the van, and Juliet rolled out, looking up at him curiously behind her goggles.
"Hey you," she greeted warmly, and he reached down a hand to help pull her up. She was slightly lightheaded from the sudden change in position, and had to lean up against the van to regain her balance. "What are you doing here?"
Before she could comprehend what was happening, James's hands were clutching her collar and he was pressing himself into her. His lips tasted like tobacco, which was odd because he hadn't smoked in months. His kiss felt urgent and desperate and took Juliet by surprise.
When he pulled away, she blinked up at him, startled. "What was that for?" she asked, slightly out of breath.
He tried tamping down on his wild grin, but his eyes told her everything. He was elated. "I got it." Juliet felt her jaw drop open slightly. She smacked his chest before jumping up into his embrace. His arms snaked around her ribs, lifting her from the ground. "I got it, Juliet," he murmured again, this time against her shoulder. She could hardly hear him above her own squealing.
"I knew it. I just knew you would, James," she whispered into his hair, and he squeezed her tighter before setting her back down on the ground. Not caring where they were or who was watching, she stroked her fingers over his face and swallowed hard. "I am so proud of you."
James's chest cracked open, and a strangled huff escaped his lips. It wasn't quite a sob, and it sounded more like a gurgled laugh. But he had no words. He'd longed to be worthy of her praise, and though she often gave it, he never really felt like he deserved it. But now? He'd earned this. He'd worked hard for this, and when Horace had offered him the job an hour ago over a celebratory cigar, he'd been chomping at the bit to come tell her.
"What did he say?" she urged, and finally lowered her hands from his face. She opened the side door of the van for them to sit inside it.
James shook his hair back and took a seat. "Said he was sorry for waitin' so long, but he'd been busy tryin' to straighten some other stuff out. Wouldn't say what. But he was happy with the way I've handled Maybelline, and said I was dependable." James snickered under his breath. "Christ. Me - dependable. The hell's this world comin' to…"
Juliet ignored the dig on himself. She knew he couldn't help it. "And you start right away?"
"They're stitchin' me my new jumpsuits now," he said smugly, and his dimples deepened. They sat there a moment, shoulder to shoulder, listening to the squawking of the birds and rustling of the trees in the distance. He turned to look at her, taking Juliet's hand gently in his, weaving their fingers together. "Thank you. For believin' in me," he murmured under his breath. The words were hard to say, but important nonetheless. Her unwavering support never ceased to amaze him.
"You're welcome," she grinned and planted a quick peck on his lips. "I'll always believe in you, James."
Unable to take it much longer, he wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her back in for another hug. They both leaned into one another, lost in their own thoughts. Juliet was happy for him, and glad this could finally all be put behind them. Perhaps now that he could finally stop worrying about getting the job, he could be more present with her. But she knew in all likelihood things weren't going to change for a while. He was going to have more responsibilities than ever, and he'd need to continue proving to himself that he was capable of meeting expectations.
James, meanwhile, was all-consumed with one thought and one thought only. Three words that he'd never felt as strongly as he did now. This woman, his best friend… he was in too deep. The feeling was wild and feral in his chest, but he supposed he'd been fighting it for too long now. As much as he wanted to hold her, fear won out in the end. It always did, and he pulled back, scrubbing a hand over his face.
"I gotta get goin', back to work," he told her, and she understood. He kissed her one final time before waving goodbye and retracing his steps back across the compound. Even as he settled back into his chair beside Phil, his heartbeat was still thrumming in his ears, the tang of panic on his tongue.
—-
"Miles, it's not a good idea," Juliet warned.
"But it's my birthday! You can't tell me I can't celebrate my own birthday!" he argued back, dropping his fork angrily on his plate.
"I'm not saying that," she defended, palms flat on the table in front of her. "I'm just saying we need to be careful."
"Juliet's right, Hoss. Your mama might get suspicious - " James started to say, but Miles scoffed.
"I'm not even born yet! How would she know?"
"But you will be!" Juliet raised her voice, annoyed at Miles's stubbornness. "When you're born, do you honestly think that she won't think it's odd that her friend happens to have the same birthday as her son?"
"I'll have the same name! Isn't that weird enough?" he shouted. "Why should the date even matter?"
"We gotta keep this time travel shit under wraps, you know that," James agreed, watching Miles's face contort in silent rage.
"You're just siding with her because - "
"Don't you fuckin' say it, man," James growled. "I'm sidin' with her cuz she's right. Now, we ain't sayin' you can't have a birthday. We just can't say it's on the same day, that's all."
"But I already did my forms. With Horace."
"Then I'll go into your file and change 'em. Head of Security, remember? It'll be fine."
Miles rolled his eyes. "Of course I remember. How could I ever forget. You only remind us all the freaking time."
Juliet sighed. She knew this was hard on him. Being around his parents was one thing, but not being able to be himself and lying to them all the time must be his own personal version of hell. "Jin, what do you think?" Juliet asked tenderly. Jin, who was sitting across from her, shook his head.
"Do not pull me into this," he murmured, and wiped his mouth on his napkin. "It is not my place to say." Juliet sighed and rolled her eyes; she should have known he'd say that.
"But what if…" Miles started to say, and looked down at his plate of half-eaten spaghetti. "Look, I know we have to lie, okay? I know. But what if we didn't, and she - I dunno - maybe she figured it out or something. She wouldn't tell anyone."
Juliet frowned, and cast a quick glance to her left at James. The crease between his eyebrows was deep and unchanged. "I know, Miles. I know you want to have your mom back, but we can't risk it, okay? We can't risk anyone knowing where we're from. We don't know what that would do."
"'Sides, she's right there, ya moron. She's still your mom, so just be grateful you can even be her friend here," James barked, and even Juliet flinched at the hostility. She knew where he was coming from, as his mom was still alive somewhere out there, but he didn't need to be so cruel.
"James…" she said sharply, a warning.
"No, Juliet. Miles is just bein' selfish here. He can do his birthday stuff any damn day, he ain't gonna risk everything we've built just cuz - "
"Because what?" she interrupted, voice cold and hard. It took James by surprise. He hadn't seen this side of her in a long time. "Because he wants his family to know who he is? Because he wants to have a relationship with his mom? I can't say I blame him, and neither should you."
James dropped his fork and glared at her. Jin and Miles, both open-mouthed and stunned, watched the pair from their seats across the dining room table. "I already agreed with you. We'll change the date, and that's that," he growled after a moment of seething. Juliet didn't know who she was more furious with - Jin for never giving his opinion to the group at large, Miles for fighting her on this in the first place against all rational judgment, or James for being insufferably mean to someone who was already having a hard time.
"April 1st," Miles sighed, breaking the tension. James and Juliet turned to look at him, ending their standoff. "I'll just say it's April 1st. Get it? April Fools?" He tried to smile, but Juliet saw the sadness behind his expression.
"It's close enough to the real day," she offered in support, and reached her hand across the table. She placed her fingers atop Miles's, despite James's lingering glare.
"Yeah, of course, it'll be fine," Miles sighed, and scratched his forehead. "We can have a party right? Like, I don't have to be a hermit and celebrate in solitude do I?"
"No. We can have a party," Juliet smiled, and removed her hand. "In fact," she added, casting a withering glance at James, "Let's have it at James's new house. You don't mind, do you, James?" Her voice was both pleasant and dripping with venom. He'd been in his new place for all of two weeks and she was already volunteering him for shit. Just because it was the biggest, didn't mean he wanted people invading his space. He hadn't had much say when they'd had the Halloween party at their shared residence, but this place was his.
But her blue eyes were wide and pleading, and as always, he relented. "Fine. We'll do it at my place. But why ya wanna have such a big party, anyway? We know how this ends - all these people are just gonna end up dead, anyway." Juliet sucked in a sharp breath and James knew he'd gone too far. They all had genuine friendships within the community, even him. It couldn't be helped, when you spent the last ten months living with them. He eyed Miles apologetically, whose raised eyebrows were almost parallel with his hairline, and held up his hands. "Sorry. That was harsh. It's still your day, Casper. We can do whatever ya wanna do."
After an awkward beat of silence, they began to talk about the details, concerning who Miles wanted to invite and what type of cake he wanted Juliet to make. When Jin suddenly spoke up, he seemed frustrated, which took everyone off-guard.
"When did this happen? When did we go from looking for a way back home to planning parties?" The room quieted. He shook his head, clearly wishing he hadn't said anything at all. He whispered a curse in Korean.
"What do you mean?" Juliet asked, gentle and probing.
"When we arrive here… we look for weeks, for signs of our people. We stopped when we needed to blend in, when we needed to survive. But it has been almost one year."
"A year of bein' too close to short-staffed to allow for much, Jinbo," James tried to remind him, but Jin shook his head again, clearly agitated.
"I know. I know we have been spread out too little. But now… now it feels like we are truly giving up. But I never want to give up."
Miles sipped his water, eyes downcast. Juliet opened and closed her mouth in shock, trying to find the words to say. She thought she was the one who wanted to go home the most, but it was easy to forget quiet Jin might be holding more inside than they realized.
James felt sick to his stomach. He was supposed to be their leader, and he'd let his friend down. He scrambled, mentally trying to piece together a plan to make him feel better. "I was gonna tell ya, after the new recruits came," he lied easily. "Now that I'm Head of Security, I make the schedule. Once we get the new folks trained, I planned on sendin' us out on grid patrols - so we can systematically go over every square inch of this fuckin' island til we find somethin', anything, to lead us to someone. We'll fly right under the radar and get to look on our own terms."
Juliet quirked an eyebrow, none of this sounding familiar to her at all. Since when would he keep something like this from her?
Jin looked surprised, and leaned forward with narrowed eyebrows. "You have a plan?"
James nodded, not breaking eye contact. "I wanna get off this rock, too," he lied again, and Juliet almost flinched. "We'll find a way. We just needed to wait for an opportunity, and now we got it."
Miles chimed in, "And how long are we gonna search for?"
James swallowed. "As long as it takes," he promised. And he meant it, for their sakes. The weight of their eyes boring into him made him finally understand a little of what the Doc must have gone through. He couldn't deny how intimidating it was, but he held his ground, the finality of his expression unwavering.
Juliet was stunned. She thought James was happy here, she had no idea he was yearning to leave so badly. Throughout the rest of dinner, and then on their way back to her house afterwards, she ran the conversation through her head over and over again, wondering what signs she'd missed over the last few months.
They'd argued a few times, since he'd gotten the job, but it was over petty things, really. Him leaving the toilet seat up when he went to the bathroom in the middle of the night and her finding out the next morning when she went to sit down; him not following through with little things he said he'd do, or him getting upset over her inability to let little things go. Normal stuff.
Since when would he keep this major plan from her? It didn't sit well with her, and her doubt had grown exponentially by the time he dropped her off at her door. She almost didn't invite him inside, but the way he was looking at her made her think it would hurt him if she didn't. So, as usual, they made their way inside and tumbled into her bed, limbs entwining, desperate for connection.
When it was over, and James pulled himself away, citing an 'early shift' the next morning, Juliet wondered if any of this was healthy. Sure, new relationships (was that what this was?) always started the same way - the honeymoon phase was all sex all the time, until reality set in and a new normal was established. But she wondered if this 'sex-instead-of-talking' was going to be a new normal for them, too. She didn't like it, but she also found it hard to say what was on her mind sometimes. She didn't like when he left her alone in the bed, still throbbing from where he'd been inside her, even if it seemed to be for understandable reasons. She knew he didn't want to leave, she could see that plainly in his face. So why did he?
She curled up on her side, feeling very much alone, and tried in vain to pinpoint when everything had begun to change.
—-
Miles's birthday party had finally arrived, and James had to admit it was nice to see Miles happy. He wasn't pleased that everyone was milling around his house, but after three beers he was starting not to care as much.
Plus, Juliet had donned a particularly short yellow sundress for the occasion and the length of her smooth legs never ceased to stun him into quiet reverence. It didn't matter that he'd seen every inch of her skin, he couldn't help but check her out every time she walked past him.
"We're low on beer, so I'm going to run out and grab some more," Juliet offered to him, tugging playfully on his chin so he'd look into her eyes and not stare at her thighs. "I might change, too, while I'm at it."
"No! Don't do that!" he whined, and she laughed before giving him a kiss on the cheek.
"Be a good host and socialize," she teased, and left the house for the store. James finished off his beer and crumpled the can, tossing it into the garbage before putting on his best party face and weaving into the crowd. He found Miles accepting a present from Dr. and Mrs. Chang. He was white-faced and somber, and James swooped in to see if he needed any help.
"Jim! Hey there. It was very kind of you to host such a lovely birthday party for your friend!" Lara smiled, and gave James a friendly pat on his bicep. Miles was staring at the present in his hands, saying nothing.
"Hey there Lara, Dr. Chang." He inclined his head in greeting and stooped to give Lara a friendly kiss on the cheek. "Thanks for comin'. Whatcha got there?" he prompted, nudging Miles into saying something.
"Oh, it's nothing," Lara shrugged. "We just wanted to bring Miles a birthday present is all." She grinned excitedly, looking for Miles to open it. He did, albeit tentatively, and found he was holding the Folsom Prison album by Johnny Cash. "Johnny Cash!" he breathed, and looked at her with wild eyes. "How did you know I liked Johnny Cash?"
"Because everyone does," Dr. Chang huffed, as if the question were preposterous. "He's a genius, that man. One of the best in country music, I'd argue."
Miles looked stunned, looking back and forth between his parents. "Thanks, you guys. I love it - truly," he almost whispered, and hugged the album slightly to his chest. James ached for him.
"Glad you like it," Lara said, patting Miles's shoulder. He flinched inward at her touch, but she didn't seem to notice.
"LaFleur, do you have a moment?" Pierre suddenly asked, clearing his throat. He looked stern, but he always looked that way. James nodded and the two broke away from Miles and Lara to weave toward the corner of the room. Elvis Presley was playing loudly from the record player, and people were dancing. Pierre wrinkled his nose in distaste, and signaled for James to follow him outside instead.
When they emerged, James ran a hand through his hair in irritation. He didn't want to talk about work right now. "What can I help ya with?" he asked through gritted teeth.
"It's the Orchid," Pierre explained. "The plans have been drawn up by the engineers. I intend on breaking ground and getting started right away. The sooner we complete this project, the sooner my research can begin."
"Okay. And what's that got to do with me?" James crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes.
"We are still doing analyses on the land," Pierre continued, almost ignoring him. "There's a very strange energy beneath it - special, if you will. And - there's another site just like it, and as soon as we can afford the manpower, Horace is going to trick the Hostiles into giving it to us." Pierre's eyes lit up at the mention of the second site. "Radzinsky is particularly interested in its electromagnetic properties. He claims they're off the charts. So you, Mr. LaFleur, will need to train as many men as possible to be on guard for these areas. They will be very, very important to the Dharma Initiative."
"Where's this so-called new site?" James asked, though in his gut he already knew.
"In the south. Near a cluster of freshwater caves. Given the distance from the barracks, we will need to clear a road, but all in good time." In his excitement, Pierre uncharacteristically clapped James on the shoulder, chatting away about his intentions for the Orchid.
James felt the blood drain from his face. His breathing started to speed up, and he began to feel sick. Perhaps impolitely, he excused himself from Pierre's rambling and walked down the porch steps. In the distance, he saw Juliet carrying boxes of beer in her arms, and he rushed forward to help her.
"Hey, good timing," she commented, slightly out of breath. He took one of the boxes and she finally noticed his dull pallor. "Everything okay?" she asked, concerned.
He merely nodded. "Later," he told her, and together they walked back to Miles's party.
James didn't know why the admission had freaked him out so much. He knew the hatch would one day be built. He knew Faraday had said all that shit about 'whatever happened, happened,' and that there was nothing they could do to change things. But it was a whole other thing entirely to be told to guard the site of the future hatch in the first place. He thought about that stupid button, and how, if he wanted, he might be able to prevent it from being built at all. What would happen then? Was it worth a shot?
Juliet walked ahead of him, going up the stairs and into the house, and she gave him a cheeky smile over her shoulder. It was enough to pull him from his destructive thoughts and he tried to shake away the feeling that something was going to go very, very wrong here.
—-
The party was finally over, and James didn't have the heart to move Miles from his shitfaced cocoon of blankets on his couch. Jin offered to carry him home, but James waved him off. Instead, the three of them did their best to clean up what they could, deciding to leave the rest of it for the morning.
Jin left, and Juliet and James fell clumsily into James's queen-sized bed, feeling tipsy and exhausted. They didn't even have the energy to put pajamas on, though James did manage to at least tug off his jeans.
Happy to be sleeping beside him, Juliet snuggled against his back, resting her forehead between his shoulder blades and weaving her hand up the front of his shirt. She inhaled deeply, and just before she began to drift off, James's voice cut through the quiet of the night.
"Ya know it's been almost a year. Since we landed in Dharmaville." He sounded quiet, almost contemplative, and Juliet tried to clear away the brain fog so she could try and read between the lines; but she detected nothing specific beneath his words.
"Yeah. Next month," she agreed, though she didn't know where he was going with this.
"Just seems crazy, is all," he murmured, and Juliet opened her eyes. She raised her head, propping herself up on her elbow.
"Something on your mind, James?"
He gave a quick one-armed shrug, and Juliet waited for him to say more. "Just been thinkin' about what Jin said, is all."
Ah. "Do you regret it? Stopping our search?" She didn't know if she wanted to know his answer.
"No. Had to. But he was right. We gotta start lookin' again. Maybe I can find out from Richard if any of our people joined up with his people."
A lightbulb flicked on in Juliet's head. "You never had a plan, did you? You just said that to put Jin at ease." James said nothing. Juliet shook her head, bemused. "There are days when I think I understand you, and then you go out of your way to prove how completely wrong I am."
James chuckled and pulled her down so that she laid her head on his chest. "Gotta keep ya on your toes," he murmured against the top of her head before planting a kiss there. "Just got caught up, I guess. Livin' life here."
"Despite what we're missing out on, it is a pretty good one," she agreed sleepily, eyes drifting closed.
"Ya think so?" he asked, curious as to when she stopped fighting so hard against the domesticity of the D.I.
She inhaled his scent deep into her lungs, focusing on the strength of his arms wrapped around her. She felt safe, and comfortable, and gloriously buzzed. And not just from the alcohol, but from him and how he made her feel. "Yeah. I miss Rachel, and I always will, but we have a good thing going here. We make a great time, you and I."
James considered. He liked having her on his side, and despite all the pain and effort he'd put into distancing himself from what he was feeling, he couldn't deny that holding her like this in the early hours of the morning was what made living here so great to begin with. "We do," he agreed, and planted another kiss on her head. Just as he'd done before, he racked his brain for a way to say what he felt without actually saying it, and she almost drifted off again before he finally had the nerve to spit it out. "I like having you here, Juliet."
She mumbled, "I like being here," and snuggled closer into him, licking her lips in anticipation of falling asleep.
"You should move in with me," he whispered into the night, and Juliet's eyes flashed open.
"What?"
"You heard me. I know we end up on opposite schedules sometimes, but I like havin' you here. With the party 'n all… just knowin' you were there, helpin' out… I dunno. You don't have to if you don't wanna." Using the party was a lame excuse and he knew it, but he wasn't ready to say how he felt.
Once more, she raised herself up on her elbow to look down into his face. Her lips parted as she gaped at him in surprise. "You want me to move in here?" she tried clarifying, still convinced she hadn't heard from properly.
"Well, yeah. It's bigger'n your place. We wouldn't have to keep goin' back 'n forth. 'Sides, ain't it better for someone else to get your house, with new recruits comin' in?" He tried to calm his racing heart. This felt monumental, but also simple at the same time. And he couldn't take the offer back now, not while she was staring hard into his face.
She almost asked, 'since when do you care about what's best for the D.I.?' but she didn't. It would only hurt him. Despite who he used to be, he was James LaFleur now, and he did everything he could to put the needs of others ahead of his own, especially when it came to the community at large. He'd come a long, long way, and it wouldn't be fair to challenge that now. Instead she whispered, "Do you mean it?" Her voice was high and breathy, and she wished it hadn't betrayed how touched she was that he'd even offered. That he wanted her the way she wanted him. Every night, just like this, spending the most intimate hours of the day wrapped up in the other. It made her feel whole, these moments. Maybe they made him feel that way too.
Instead of answering her, he rose up and placed his mouth against hers. He licked her bottom lip, and she wove her fingers through his hair, pressing him back down into the pillow. When she pulled away, breathing in soft pants, he smirked and asked, "So… is that a yes?"
Despite the heaviness of her eyes and the sluggishness of her body, she climbed on top of him, straddling his hips with her own. Like he'd been wanting to do all day, he ran his hands up her thighs and raised her dress. It wasn't long before he was tucking her underwear to the side and slipping inside her, and neither of them needed words to convey how they felt about their decision.
—-
Juliet waited as long as possible to move into James's house. At first, she claimed it was because she needed time to pack, but it was really because she wanted to give him time to change his mind. She thought perhaps he'd realize he'd made a mistake, and try and renege on his offer. But he didn't. In fact, he seemed pretty excited to have her and offered to help bring her stuff over in stages in between his shifts, to speed up the process.
She was stunned, to say the least, though completely delighted by this upswing in his affection towards her. She took him up on his offer, and they moved her things over the course of the first two weeks in April, until finally everything was put where it now belonged. She got the top three drawers, he got the bottom three. She got the right side of the closet, he got the left. Even her toiletries now had their own spots in the shower and in the linen closet, and it all looked seamless, like this is how it had always been since the beginning. It felt seamless, too, like this is how it always should have been, all along.
On their first night together, when the dust had finally settled and Juliet's house had finally been cleaned and prepped for its new occupants, James and Juliet both silently acknowledged there was no going back. Though it was still early, they both knew they wouldn't want to go back, anyway.
"Alright, if you're gonna be livin' here, we gotta set some ground rules," James teased, nudging Juliet's foot with his own. He was sitting in his chair and she was sitting on the couch, one leg tucked underneath her as she read her book. She looked up at him, arching an eyebrow at his boldness. "I know from experience it ain't easy, bein' roommates with a woman."
"Roommates?" she echoed, flabbergasted.
"Yeah," he grinned, unphased by the challenge in her eyes at his word choice. "Rule number one, pajamas are not required," he said, as he ticked off his fingers in all seriousness. Juliet smiled, holding in a laugh. She had a feeling she knew where this was going. "Number two, we should try an' shower together whenever possible, ya know, to conserve water." Juliet pressed her hand against her mouth, leaning her elbow against the armrest. "And rule number three, and listen up, cuz this is the most important rule of all, okay?" She nodded, enraptured. "Ya better not go doin' the crossword without me, or so help me, we're gonna have problems."
She lost it. A stifled snort escaped from behind her hand, and James fake-huffed, indignant. "What, ya gotta problem with my rules, Blondie?" he murmured, and rose to join her on the couch, crouching low and running his hands along her thighs. She giggled as he reached around to pinch her backside, before dumping her onto her back.
"No, sir, your rules are perfectly acceptable," she squealed, and her body jolted as he tickled her lower back and sides. He pinned her down, propped up on one knee, and grinned at her in triumph.
"You got any rules to declare before we christen the couch, sweetheart?" he purred, and she bit her lip in excitement. Her book flopped to the floor.
"We share books. When we're done, we can trade," she said, mimicking his motion of ticking off her demands on her fingers. "Hmmm… we also trade off chores each week, to change it up a bit?" He nodded his agreement, and slid his hands further up her ribcage under her shirt. "And… uh…" She tried to come up with one more, but his thumbs were skirting the sides of her bare breasts. "I… Let's never go to bed mad at each other, okay?" she whispered, and saw something akin to pain flicker in his eyes before it was gone.
James remembered how they'd started, in May of 1974. How mean he'd been to her when they'd been little more than just roommates, and how he'd spent weeks trying to hate her, when really he'd only been fighting his feelings for her even back then. He recalled the night they'd had a big fight, when he'd made her cry before storming off to leave her behind. He was an asshole then, and he really didn't want to be that same man anymore.
He couldn't blame her for setting that ground rule. He deserved it.
James leaned down and kissed her tenderly. "Deal," he whispered against her lips, and she closed her eyes in anticipation of his ever-roaming hands.
Later, when the couch was fully and completely christened, they laid side by side, panting, with James holding tightly onto Juliet's back so she didn't fall off the edge. She swallowed hard, still seeing stars, feeling so insanely happy she couldn't stop smiling.
But in true Juliet fashion, her brain wormed a thought into her head, and it was out of her mouth before she could even process what she meant by it. "How long do you think we can play house for, James?" she whispered into the heavy air. The words settled over them like a fine layer of dust, and it took James several moments to process what she'd said. A memory of Kate asking the same damn question flashed in his mind, coloring the way he interpreted Juliet's tone. He didn't know why it hurt him, when she made a pretty valid point. After all, wasn't that what they were doing here? Playing house while waiting for the other shoe to drop?
"I don't know," he admitted gruffly, not really sure how to feel. Once upon a time he'd suggested to Kate that they wait and find out. It felt wrong, echoing the same sentiment now.
Afraid she'd given him the wrong impression, Juliet sat up on her elbow so she could look at him. She pressed her fingers to his lips before absently tracing his jaw. "I ask because I'm really looking forward to it," she whispered gently, giving him a genuine, demure smile. And she meant it. She didn't think she could get much happier, knowing she was going to get to be with him like this every day, for however long it took to get back to their own time. And if they never did? Well… she'd have this. And she loved this.
James saw the vulnerability in her gaze. If he'd had any doubts about her feelings when she'd initially made that statement, they'd evaporated now, like the sweat drying on their skin. The look in her eyes was indescribable, like the moments where he could see blinding ecstasy flash across her face. She was open, and raw, and exposed to him in every possible way, and the trust and faith she put in him in just her expression alone was more than he could take.
"I'm looking forward to it, too," he whispered back, and pressed his lips into her shoulder.
Because he was. He loved her, and maybe she could love him, too. And this, right here… it was worth the fear. It was worth the risk.
