A/N: Sorry for the late chapter, but I was working on my other Suliet project, Love & Loss. But I'm back now! And I've outlined the next couple chapters a little more closely. Hopefully this doesn't feel too rushed, but time is about to start moving faster for our lovely foursome; for this is the start of the last few chapters of Act 1! :D I hope you enjoy!

—-

I believe that we're meant to be

But jealousy gets the best of me…

I know that you're afraid

I'm gonna walk away

Each time the feeling fades

You know I'm bad at love

Halsey, Bad at Love

—-

Chapter 18: The Substitute

"So - what's the occasion, Boss?" James drawled, curious as to why Horace and Amy were hosting such a large dinner party on short notice. It was a Thursday night in early September and several big-wig Dharma scientists, plus James and Juliet, were sitting around the dinner table. He felt out of place, but since he'd been Head of Security, he'd been included in several different "top-secret" functions with the same close-knit group. He'd been surprised he'd been given a plus one to this dinner, but assumed it had to do with Amy and Juliet being such good friends. He was glad she was here with him; he hated stomaching these events without her.

Pot roast, potatoes, and steamed vegetables were being passed around, family style, and both Horace and Amy looked positively giddy. They kept eyeing each other from the side, looking meek and embarrassed, but eventually after clearing her throat a few times, Amy answered. "Well, we were going to wait until after dinner, but… since you asked…" She put her hand into the pocket of her burgundy pants and pulled out a small ring. She placed it on her finger and wiggled her hand over the table. "Horace and I are engaged!" she squealed with delight.

To his right, Juliet dropped her fork. James dropped his jaw.

The scientists cheered and some went so far as to reach over and slap Horace on the shoulder. James was surprised, to say the least, but he plastered on a smile and congratulated the couple. He didn't know why he didn't feel happier for them, but he faked it enough to get through the rest of the dinner. He tried to catch Juliet's eye, but she was shining for her friend, ogling the humble diamond and letting Amy burst free with wedding talk.

"It'll be next spring!" she announced with another small squeal, and Juliet could barely get a word in edgewise, even if she wanted to, as Amy began recalling the story of how Horace had asked her.

For James, the end of the evening couldn't come fast enough, but he didn't quite understand why. He should be happy for his friends, but something about the news wasn't sitting right with him. As he walked home with Juliet at the end of the evening, hand in hand and finally away from the ever-listening ears, he finally began to piece it together.

"Next spring, huh?" he recounted. Juliet nodded, inhaling deeply through her nose.

"Yeah, seems like it. Though, there really isn't spring weather on the island, is there?"

James chuckled lowly. "Nope. Guess not." They arrived at their house and James opened the door for Juliet. She flicked the light on and kicked off her shoes. James rubbed a hand over his face, finally feeling like he could say what was on his mind. "Seems a little fast, too, dontcha think?"

Juliet shrugged, flopping down onto the couch a little less gracefully than usual. James didn't know what to make of that. "I don't know… I think it's sweet," she offered, and tucked her feet beneath her. She tucked a loose strand of blonde hair behind her ear, and gave him a placid smile.

James didn't sit down. He leaned his palms onto the back of the chair opposite her. "Wait, what?" He narrowed his eyebrows in confusion. She'd seemed annoyed, or at the very least, off-put, by the whole thing since Amy announced the news. He could feel her tension, even now, in the way she was sitting - shoulders tucked in, hands clasped in her lap.

But she shrugged again, looking more closed off than before. "I think they make a great couple. Horace is a little… well, he's certainly not my type. But they're happy. Isn't that what matters?"

"Not really, no," James scoffed. He raised his hands and put them on his hips. "It's nuts, is what it is. They been together - what - 'bout as long as we've been? Maybe a little longer? That's less than a year!" Juliet's face remained neutral, unaffected. "Just seems a bit soon to me is all."

"Be that as it may," Juliet said slowly. "They're in love. They're happy. That's what matters."

James scratched the back of his head. "Didn't take long, did it? She's movin' on awful fast, considerin' her husband died an' all. May of '74… that's like, what, 15 months ago? And she's engaged already? Jesus, it's like she's just tryin' to get herself a husband again, don't matter who."

Juliet stiffened, leaning forward slightly. "What are you implying? That she doesn't get to be happy because she's a widow?"

"No, just that it don't seem like a lot of time to get over someone fully. I mean shit - marryin' someone else so soon…" James raised his eyebrows and shook his head judgmentally, leaning once more onto the back of the chair.

Juliet moved her legs so her feet were planted on the floor. She leaned forward, elbows on her thighs, and eyes narrowed. "You don't think that's enough time to move on?" she asked, voice clear and hard. James only just noticed the change in her tone. This felt like a trap. But he'd said what he said, and he'd meant it.

"Not for her. Seems too soon to me."

"But… you've moved on just fine, haven't you?" Her voice cut through him like glass, and he finally recognized the look on her face. He hadn't seen it in a long time, but it was there now: her cold, indifferent Other mask.

James's stomach tightened. He was starting to feel the twinges of annoyance. "Don't know what you're tryin' to get at, sweetheart," he warned, but Juliet's face remained unchanged.

"You know exactly what I'm getting at."

"It ain't the same, and you know it. We weren't married."

"No, but you loved her, didn't you?"

James grit his teeth. He didn't want to argue, but Juliet was pushing his buttons like only she could. "I ain't havin' this argument with you."

"I'm not arguing, James. I'm asking a simple question. You're saying it's too soon for Amy to move on with Horace, but what about you?" She was trying hard to maintain her composure, but his avoidance of the question was stabbing her slowly into her chest.

"It ain't. The same. Juliet. We ain't the ones gettin' married after bein' widowed out of the blue."

"You're still avoiding the question."

James began to pace. He shook his head, flabbergasted. How the hell had this gone from harmless gossip to getting him in trouble? He didn't want to be under the microscope here - he hadn't done anything wrong. "You know I've fuckin' moved on, Juliet. Why the hell do I gotta reassure you all the damn time about that?"

Juliet stood, propelled to her feet by the accusation in his tone. "You just stood there and told me you thought it wasn't enough time to grieve and move on from the person she loved and lost. It's not a huge leap to think of you in the same light, James."

"It's completely different!"

"How? We don't know what happened to them! Yes, we assume they got off the island and are out there living their lives somewhere, but you loved her and you lost her. So did Amy with Paul. Just because they were married doesn't mean their feelings were any different than yours." Juliet's voice cracked, and it only further instigated James's rising rage.

He shook his head and went into the kitchen. He grabbed a beer from the fridge, needing something to take the edge off. She followed him and watched with her arms crossed as he downed half the can in one long chug. "Drinking instead of addressing my question?" she scoffed, and James had enough.

He turned around, slamming his fist onto the counter. "Goddamnit, Juliet! I am sick to fuckin' death of havin' this same goddamn argument with you. I don't fuckin' love Kate anymore! Why can't you understand that?"

"Because - because you say stuff like this and avoid my questions. You keep saying it's different, but why?"

"Because it is!"

"That isn't enough!"

"Well, it's gonna have to be, cuz I'm done havin' this stupid fuckin' conversation." He finished the rest of the beer and chucked the can hard into the sink, where it bounced around and flew out, landing on the counter top and skidding down the length into the corner. He growled once more before turning around and pointing a finger accusatorily at her. "You don't see me holdin' your exes over your goddamn head all the time. So stop doin' it to me."

Juliet grit her teeth, eyes shining. She stepped forward until James's finger was pushing into her collarbone. "Look at your record. Look at mine. Can you blame me? For feeling that way?"

James blinked. He lowered his finger, pulse racing and hands shaking. This was snowballing out of control. "You knew what you were gettin' into, sweetheart," he growled, low and deep and slow. "Ain't my fault you fell for the bad boy shit just like everyone else. You seemed to like it, tellin' me you wanted me for 'who I was.' Well - that's on you, ain't it? I've never pretended to be someone I ain't. Unlike you." Juliet gasped, mouth falling open slightly. "Yeah, you heard me. First, a fuckin' Other, playin' both sides just to get what you wanted, then you can't even be a fuckin' doctor anymore and wanna go off and play mechanic. That's fine, do what floats your boat, I don't care, but I don't hold any 'a that over your head like you hold Kate over mine. I don't ever compare myself to your dead ex, do I?" Juliet's eyes flashed with anger, and she took a step back as if he'd slapped her.

"That's not fair…"

"Nothin's fair! That's life…" James, feeling like he'd just made his point tenfold, started making his way back to the living room.

Juliet, shaking with fury and hurt, couldn't let him have the last word. Not like that. But instead of pointing out all the reasons he'd been wrong about what he'd said, she decided to go with raw honesty instead. She was already vulnerable, already aching, so why not at least try to get him to see where she was coming from?

"Even though things are so, so good between us, I can't help but think that maybe someday, they'll come back, and she'll take the place that I've been saving for her. That you'll want her instead of me. I don't want to be her replacement, but I can't help but feel like I am sometimes."

The words, soft and light on the air, sounded too loud in both of their ears. Juliet's heart was thudding, as she watched her statement fall onto James's back. He stiffened, and shook his head, and Juliet thought for a moment that maybe she'd gotten through to him. Maybe he finally understood her deepest insecurity, and maybe he'd show her how wrong she was.

But James was too far gone. He'd done nothing to give her that impression, and the fact that she felt like that only meant he'd failed her. He thought he'd truly changed, and he thought he'd let go of the past once and for all. But if she was feeling this way, even after telling her how he felt last month, it meant he'd done something wrong.

Angry at the situation, angry at her, but even more angry at himself, James swiped out a hand into the center of the dining room table, sending the flower vase and its contents against the wall. Without another look back over his shoulder, he stomped out of the house, already shaking with regret.

Juliet stood, stunned, as a sob ricocheted out of her chest. She leaned her elbows on the counter and cried, wondering what in the hell she'd done wrong.

—-

James didn't know what to do or where to go. Just seconds after he left the house, he already wanted to go back home. But he wasn't in a state to be confined in that small house, with the weight of his regrets pushing in on him like a tomb and the sharp daggers of Juliet's judgment stabbing through him. He wandered aimlessly around Dharmaville, trying to clear his head and calm down.

It took a while, but his blood finally stopped boiling and his self-hatred simmered enough to at least allow him to be able to breathe again. He asked himself: Why hadn't he just held her? Reassured her, when she clearly needed it? But then he answered himself: Because she was being ridiculous - he hadn't loved Kate in a long time.

But he knew that. That didn't mean she did. But how could she possibly think otherwise? He showers her with affection any chance he gets. He holds her at night, not Kate. He couldn't possibly do more to show her how much he loves her - right? His reasoning fell flat, even in his own head.

Somehow, his feet brought him to the security station. It was late, and James couldn't remember who was on shift tonight. Figuring he could at least check in, do a surprise sweep to ensure whoever it was was following protocol, he decided to pop in. It felt weird, not having his jumpsuit on, but he entered the facility anyway.

Jin glanced at him curiously as James made his way into the monitoring room. He leaned back in his chair, fiddling with a baseball in his hands. "Everything okay?" Jin asked slowly, suspicious at James's sudden appearance.

James shrugged with one shoulder, plopping down into a chair across from Jin. He was grateful it was him and not Phil or Jerry. He couldn't stand those guys.

"You seem… upset," Jin noted, and studied James's face for a moment before wheeling back away from him. He tossed the ball from one hand to the other. James sighed, chewing on his inner cheek for a few moments before rolling his eyes and turning his chair around to face Jin. He held out his hands, an open invitation, and Jin quietly tossed him the ball.

He almost said it was none of Jin's business, but instead he growled, "Got into it with the missus." He still felt like the whole thing had been absurd and completely unnecessary. He didn't add anything else, and Jin didn't ask. They tossed the ball back and forth for several minutes before James scoffed loudly and gripped the ball hard in his hand. "It was stupid, is what it was."

Jin nodded, eyes unfocused, as if lost in a memory. "They usually are," he said softly. He tried to give James a reassuring smile, but it was weak.

After ten minutes of silently tossing the ball, James finally felt calm enough to talk. His brain was no longer running a mile a minute and his rage was replaced with a dull sadness. "How come you ain't askin' what happened?" he asked.

Jin shrugged. "Because. It is between you and her. If you want to tell me, you may. But I am not going to ask."

James appreciated the honesty. But he also wanted to know where he'd gone wrong. She'd seemed upset, or at least tense, from the moment they got home. Were they going to fight no matter what he'd said? How was any of that his fault?

"Horace 'n Amy are engaged," he announced with a sigh. Jin's eyebrows rose, the only sign of his surprise. "Yeah. Quick, ain't it?" He hoped Jin would back him up here, but Jin only shrugged.

"Perhaps. But it is their decision."

James gripped the ball, not tossing it back just yet. "It is. But dontcha think they're goin' a little fast? Paul died only a little over a year ago."

"So? Does their choice affect you?" He didn't say it with malice or judgment, but plainly, with simplicity. James felt his mouth open slightly.

"No, but - "

"Then why does it concern you?" Jin wiggled his hand, and James tossed him the ball with a loud sigh.

"I guess it don't."

"But… Juliet feels… different?"

"I don't know what the hell Juliet feels," James snapped, knowing full well it was a lie. She'd been pretty honest with him, and he'd blown her off. Like a prick.

Jin nodded. He knew Juliet well, though not as well as James did, and he had a feeling he knew what might be going on with her. "Perhaps she is jealous," Jin offered. James missed the ball, and it hit him in the chest before rolling down to his feet. He stared, flabbergasted, trying to comprehend what Jin had suggested.

"Say what now, Confucius?"

Jin chuckled. "Juliet. You two… you be together since… January? She loves you. Maybe she… maybe she is jealous of them being on… how do you say it… the next level?"

James laughed out loud. "You don't know Juliet like I do. She ain't thinkin' marriage to no one. Nah. Nuh-uh. That ain't it. And hell, Jinbo, it ain't even been a year for us! That's… no way, that's insane." James felt nerves bubbling up in his stomach. What if Jin was right? What if this is what Juliet wanted from him? Christ, they were nowhere near ready for something like that.

"I do not know, you are right. It is not my place to guess." Jin held open his hands, and James retrieved the ball from the floor before tossing it back to him. Jin held it in his hands, running the tips of his fingers along the stitching. "Did you know, James, that Sun and I… for a very long time, we fight often. We were… unhappy." He pursed his lips, remembering how distant they were just before they came to the island.

"I didn't know that," James lied. He kind of knew. Or rather, had guessed, by what he'd seen of Jin and Sun's behavior after the crash. But he let him continue.

"I was angry, all the time. Sun was quiet. It was… not good." He was having a hard time finding the words in English to properly describe the wedge that had grown between them. "But now, I long for her. Even for those days. Because at least we were together. You… you have Juliet now. But you are here with me, not home with her. So you fight? It happens. You should make it right. Talk to her." It wasn't typical for Jin to get so involved in other people's business, but he remembered how miserable both of his friends were during the period of time before they got together. They'd been so happy ever since, and it hurt him to know that James's mean streak might have reared its ugly head once more. He didn't have to have seen the fight to know James likely flew off the handle. He knew him well enough by now to know his habits and mannerisms.

James sighed and rubbed his hands over his face. "I think… I think I said some stuff I shouldn't've," he admitted. And done some stuff, he thought, but he couldn't admit that out loud. He hoped to God Juliet hadn't cleaned up the glass. He needed to be the one to do that.

Jin nodded. "Perhaps. But you can still make it right," he tried to assure his friend. James gave him a hard look, etched with pain and regret. It hurt Jin's heart to know James still struggled against his old habits. He remembered how cruel he'd been after the crash, and how much he'd tried to change since then. But sometimes, on days like this, those habits reared their ugly heads and Jin could only imagine how difficult it must be for James. Like taking one step forward but two steps back, always beholden to the man he used to be rather than the man he wanted to be. Jin could certainly relate.

"Guess you're right," James mumbled. He rose from the chair, scrubbing his face hard with his hands one last time. "Thanks, man."

"Anytime," Jin smiled. It was genuine this time. He gave a small wave as James disappeared through the double doors and out of sight. He threw the baseball up in the air one final time before setting it on the countertop, not really in the mood to toss it around anymore. He observed the monitors, grateful all was still quiet, and settled in to think of Sun instead.

—-

When James got home, the house was dark and still. The glass and flowers, as he suspected, were cleaned up, as if they'd never been smashed to begin with. He called out for her, but there was no reply. She wasn't in the bedroom or the bathroom, and she wasn't in the hammock in the backyard. They'd finally gotten around to moving it from Miles and Jin's house, and she'd grown a liking for it.

Thinking she must be on the docks, James decided to try and find her. But she wasn't there. She wasn't on the small beach on the side of the compound. She wasn't at the motor pool, the playground, the gazebo, or any of the other places he'd seen her go from time to time when she wanted to think.

James began to panic. The lights were off at Amy and Horace's house, so he didn't bother knocking to see if she was there. He thought about checking Miles's house, but he was fairly certain Miles was at Carla's tonight. This left him out of options. He knew her, or at least he thought he did, and she was absolutely nowhere to be found.

His heart was pounding again by the time he got back home. He wondered if he was going to have a stroke. The fear in his stomach was making him nauseous, and all he could do was pace back and forth, waiting for her to come home. The time ticked by, and James found himself gnawing on his fingernails until there was nothing left to bite. Finally, he had a flash of brilliance - he could just check the cameras! Jin would be able to track her, if James could pinpoint when she'd left the house. But just as he was about to leave to go back to the security station, the door swung open and Juliet entered.

She stood in the doorway, silhouetted by the glow of the lamplight from outside. James made one step toward her and she flinched back. So he stood still, waiting for her to come inside and shut the door.

She flicked the light on, reminding James that he'd been standing there in the living room in total darkness. He hadn't noticed. He stepped towards her again, and could see now that her eyes were red-rimmed and her cheeks puffy. The guilt seared his gut like hot coals.

"Where've you been?" he asked, his voice deep and froggy from anxiety.

"I could ask you the same thing," she muttered, and toed off her sneakers before trying to move around him to head down the hall. He stood in her way. She glared up at him - a challenge - but he refused to move.

"We gotta talk," he said, trying to sound softer, but she merely grit her jaw and tried to move around him once more. "I looked all over for you. I didn't know where ya went."

"It doesn't matter," she murmured back, and shoved past him to head to the bathroom. He eyed the back of her head curiously. There was a leaf in her hair. In the bathroom light, he also saw a thin scratch on her arm. Perhaps he wasn't familiar with all her hiding spots after all.

"Fine. It doesn't, whatever. Just…" He watched as she vigorously washed her hands and her arms. She looked in the mirror, saw the leaf, and plucked it out without another word. James felt a panic unlike anything he'd ever felt before. This was it. He'd pushed her too far. He'd finally found a way to fuck this up - this thing he'd waited all his life for. He'd tried so hard to get it right, and in the end it didn't matter.

She was completely ignoring him, cleaning up from wherever she'd gone after he'd left. "I guess this is it then…?" he whispered, clenching his fists so tight it hurt. He leaned against the hallway wall, watching her in the bathroom. His entire body was stiff, like a coiled spring. He tried hard not to shake.

At his comment, she finally whipped her head around to glare at him. Her eyes narrowed, and her lips parted slightly. "What are you talking about?" she snapped, and leaned down to rinse her face. She pressed a hand towel to her cheeks, dabbing lightly. Her eyes were still bloodshot.

"This. Us," he dared say. He felt small, saying the words aloud. But he knew in his heart nothing this perfect could last forever. It would only make sense that he and his anger would be the thing that tore it all down.

"What about us, James?" she sighed, impatient. She didn't understand what he was saying. James didn't know if that was a good thing or not.

"Is this over?" he asked, barely above a whisper. He crossed his arms protectively over his chest. She stared at him, dumbfounded.

"I don't understand."

James bit his lip and scratched his eyebrow, feeling painfully uncomfortable. "I guess I just thought… I didn't mean to break the vase. But if you don't wanna do this anymore…" He shook his head, at a loss for words.

"Are you breaking up with me?" she asked, voice light, fragile and trembling, full of concern and unease. Her face was frozen in fear.

"No! Fuck, God no. I just thought you'd… you ain't gonna break up with me?"

Juliet sputtered, "Wh- No? Why on earth would I do that?"

"Well… cuz we fought and stuff…"

"We've fought before!" she cried out, holding onto the bathroom door frame for support.

"Yeah, but not like this…"

Juliet shook her head in disbelief. "You're not serious. You thought because we fought, that I wanted to break up with you?"

"You were gone and I just - "

"You left first!" she cried out incredulously.

"I know. I know. I'm sorry." James felt a burning sensation growing behind his eyes. He felt his lower lip wobble, and clenched his fists harder, trying to fight it off. He swallowed three times before finally getting the strength to add, "I'm so sorry."

Juliet let go of the door frame and walked over to him. She didn't touch him, but she stood before him and looked up at him with wonder in her azure eyes. "Welcome to an adult relationship, James. They don't end just because you fight. You just… you take some time, get some space, and you move on." Her voice was pillowy soft, and wrapped him up like a warm blanket.

He nodded, and let out the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. His chest burned from the pressure. "I ain't ever been in a relationship like this before," he said on the exhale. He felt lighter, though the guilt and shame still burned his chest.

"I know." She didn't touch him, but her features softened at his admission.

"Never for this long, neither," he added, and she nodded. He sighed another shaky breath, trying to regain his composure. "I'm sorry, Juliet. I love you. I promise."

She sighed, and looked like she was thinking better of it before she leaned her forehead into James's shoulder. "I know."

He wrapped his arms around her, grateful he hadn't torn this apart after all. She was stiff against him, but he understood. They stood there in the hallway for several long moments before Juliet snaked her arms around his waist. He pretended not to notice her trembling at first, but held her tightly against him when the tears finally came.

His own tears fell into her hair, and it was a long while before either of them were willing to let go.

—-

Friday nights in October were still Juliet's favorites. Horace brought back movie night, and even allowed Juliet (by way of Amy) to request a movie this year. It took some strings being pulled back in Ann Arbor, but they were able to get a copy of the Exorcist. Jin point blank refused to attend, and Juliet had to practically drag James with her, Carla, and Miles to the showing, but they all managed to get there on time before it started.

James gripped her hand the entire way through, and she couldn't help but laugh at the irony of him being so frightened by horror films. It was one of the many things she loved about him - he wasn't always what he seemed to be, and always found new ways to surprise her. It was endearing, to know he wasn't always the tough guy he pretended to be.

She should have known he'd have a hard time sleeping that night, and she tried her very best not to tease him about his squeamishness. When he jolted awake at 3 a.m., she merely kissed him gently and pressed her chest more firmly against his back as he fell back asleep. She held him close, stroking his hair and reminding him it was just a movie. She kept her snickering to inside her head, which was certainly a feat in itself.

The next day, wanting to get James's mind off the movie and try to remind him just how fun this holiday could be, Juliet decided to try something new. Last year, there had been a problem with getting the pumpkins in time, but this year there were plenty to choose from. She picked out four large pumpkins, and borrowed a wheelbarrow from the janitor's shed to haul them to Miles and Jin's house.

They were surprised by her visit, but excited at the prospect of spending the day carving pumpkins. They agreed to set everything up in their dining room while she went and gathered James.

She poked her head into the house and spotted him folding laundry on the dining room table. "Hey there," she crooned mischievously. James tossed her a funny look over his shoulder.

"Hey," he responded, slowly, and with understandable suspicion. "Thought you were at the store?"

"I was. Kind of," she explained, and leaned against the back of the front door. "I got some things…"

"Well uh, seems you forgot 'em somewhere, cuz your hands're empty."

She grinned widely and shook her head. "Nope. I just dropped them off somewhere else."

James set down the towel he'd just folded. "Alright, alright. Color me intrigued. Whatchu up to, woman?"

Juliet jerked her head slightly to the side, her grin growing. "You'll just have to follow me and find out," she purred. James crossed his arms, giving her a full once-over before chuckling to himself and putting out his hand, indicating she should lead the way. She bit her lip in excitement and threw open the front door.

When they got to the guys' house, James was more than confused. He didn't know what she had up her sleeve, but was pleasantly surprised to find Miles and Jin both wearing aprons, spreading old newspaper across the dining room table. Four large pumpkins sat on the floor beside the front door, and Juliet wiggled her fingers at them in triumph. "Ta-da!" she cried out, her face barely containing her excitement.

James frowned. He didn't like carving pumpkins. He never needed to tell her that last year, because the pumpkins didn't come in time. The insides were always so… slimy, and gross, and the whole concept of sawing into the hard flesh of the gourds always left his fingers aching. It wasn't worth it, for all the trouble that went into it, and his designs never turned out any good anyway.

But her smile… Her glee was infectious. He found himself flashing his dimples at her, and she clapped her hands in anticipation. "You can pick whichever one you want! I got all the tools and everything! We can do a contest, or just do our own designs and leave them on the porch."

"They're gonna rot in like, a week, Jules," Miles muttered, but made sure to lay claim on his preferred pumpkin before anyone else could. "Fucking island heat'll ruin everything."

Juliet ignored him. "It'll be fun. What do you say? There's more to Halloween than just horror movies, James."

Ah. There it is. James felt like a big fucking pansy. "Yeah, sure," he agreed half-heartedly. "It'll be fun," he added hastily, when her smile began to falter.

Satisfied with his answer, she angled her head towards the pumpkins, signaling for him to pick one. He picked the smallest, though they were all fairly large. His was particularly short and squat, whereas Jin's was taller and more oblong. Juliet and Miles got the two that were the most round, clearly intending on going head-to-head in their carving skills. They were both too damn competitive for their own good.

James shrugged off his button-up shirt, leaving just his white t-shirt on instead. He'd be damned if he'd wear an apron. Juliet tied her hair up in a ponytail after running back home to grab hers. James's face flamed, watching her put it on. He remembered the last time it had adorned her body, and how she'd had nothing on underneath. Juliet, it seemed, had the same flash of memory, and grinned wickedly to herself as she tied the strings behind her back. She flashed him a sultry look, and James's knees went weak.

Jin, ever the music lover, turned on the record player before they got started. It was better than the quiet, and it meant they didn't have to make small talk either. Despite the awkwardness of carving and the disgusting consistency of the guts, James had to admit he was having a decent time.

That is, until Miles noticed his discomfort. "What, you don't like the pumpkin guts, Jim?" he said with a devious smirk.

James flipped his hair out of his eyes. "Don't care one way or another," he answered, though it was a blatant lie. Miles knew he was lying - he could see the grimace on his face every time James stuck his hand inside his pumpkin. What he couldn't figure out though was why it bothered him so much.

"Sure, yeah. It's just a vegetable though, dude. You're not sticking your hand inside someone's body or anything."

James scoffed and locked eyes with Juliet. She watched the interaction with mild interest, eyebrow raised but saying nothing. James gritted his teeth and looked back down into his pumpkin. "I said, I don't rightly care. Just mind your own business and carve your damn pumpkin, Enos."

James only barely registered when the stringy, stinky pile of flesh fell right on top of his head. It was cool, despite the heat of the day, and the suddenness of it sent a large gasp through his body. He looked back at Miles, who wiggled his fingers guiltily. He would have had to reach up pretty damn high to drop it on James's head, but he was the only one who could have done it. Jin and Juliet were on the other side of the table, mouths agape and eyes wide.

James felt his skin grow tingly with rage. He reached up, carefully extricating the mess from his hair. He could barely close his mouth, he was so taken aback. "You got a death wish?" he hissed, but Miles only smirked and shrugged one shoulder.

James could hardly believe what was happening. But he heard a loud squish, and suddenly Miles's chest was covered in the same sickly orange gunk. He looked across the table at Juliet, whose fingers were still covered in the stuff. She nodded at him once, in solidarity, and James almost laughed. She had his back.

The fight that ensued lasted far longer than it should have. There were pumpkin guts smeared on the table, the floor, the walls, and all over each of them. Jin had tried to stay out of it, but he'd ended up being dragged in by Juliet, who got him square in the back of the neck, sending goosebumps down his spine. It slid down his shirt, and from there it was over. He was committed now.

The house reeked by the time they slid to the floor or into chairs, coated in the stringy slime and out of ammunition. Juliet's cheeks were tinged pink and aching from laughter. She never in her wildest dreams thought pumpkin carving could be this fun, and she was extremely grateful she'd brought the pumpkins here instead of her and James's house.

James, though angry and stinky and flabbergasted at this turn of events, also couldn't deny - he never thought pumpkin carving could be this fun, either. It was not lost on him that these people were the closest thing to family James had ever had, and though he fantasized about ways to get Miles back for this, he had to admit it was pretty great having brothers for the first time in his life.

—-

As promised, Juliet did not cook for Thanksgiving. She did make a pecan pie for the potluck hosted in the Dharma cafeteria, but the trauma from last year was still fresh enough in her mind that she was perfectly content to let others do the heavy lifting this year.

They donned nicer clothes than their usual wear, slacks and button-up shirts for the guys and a knee-length deep purple dress for Juliet, and set off to join the rest of the commune for the late afternoon meal. The cafeteria was decorated in faux plastic pumpkins, cornstalks, golden yellow flowers, and cornucopias stuffed with small, lumpy, oddly-shaped gourds. Though all the windows were open, it was warm inside as everyone sat closely together with friends and family at the tables. It smelled heavenly, and Juliet's mouth watered as she eyed the spread behind the counter. She passed her pie to the person behind the counter and moved to join James, Jin, and Miles at the small table they'd snagged in the corner.

On her way, she felt a small, gentle tap on her arm and the clearing of a child's throat.

"Miss Juliet?" the voice called, and Juliet's heart stilled in her chest. She turned around, and saw Ben dressed in his Sunday best, looking nervous as he stood there watching her. He fiddled with his fingers in front of him. This was exactly why she didn't do this last year, she thought to herself, stomach twisting with unease.

"Hi Ben. What can I do for you?" she found herself saying, though the words were forced.

He swallowed. "I just wanted to say Happy Thanksgiving," he said. He flashed her a muted smile and pushed his glasses up on his face.

She inhaled deeply through her nose. "Happy Thanksgiving, Ben," she replied, and returned the close-lipped smile. When he darted off to find his friend Annie, she turned to her group, who looked up at her with mild concern. She sat down, and James wrapped an arm protectively around her shoulders.

"You okay?" he whispered into her ear.

It was an odd question. Should she be? No. But was she? Mostly… yes. In the last year, Juliet had grown quite used to Ben being around. She didn't necessarily like when he sought her out, but it wasn't such a shock to her anymore that they both lived here in Dharmaville.

"Yeah, I'm okay," she said confidently. She smiled at them, hoping to reassure everyone that though it was certainly still weird, and probably always would be, she was genuinely okay. He was just a kid, living a troubled life and trying to get by. He couldn't hurt her, and he certainly didn't even try.

They waited their turn to get in line and gathered up food on their trays. The folks cooking today had gone all out - turkey, ham, stuffing, potatoes of three different varieties, vegetables, fruits, deviled eggs - the spread was more than Juliet had ever seen on Thanksgiving. Her family had always stuck to their key favorites, and her and Ed usually ordered in. When it was just her and Rachel, they made do but never cooked this much.

The wonder on James's face as he went through the line broke her heart. She could only imagine what he was thinking, seeing all this food in one place. Not only due to his past, growing up poor and mostly alone, but because of the plane wreck and how he'd spent at least one Thanksgiving surviving off whatever they had. She wondered idly to herself if it was Dharma food at that point in time yet. She found the concept ironic, given where they were now.

They took their seats once more and just before everyone could dig in, Juliet cleared her throat. "Are we not going to do our tradition?" she asked in amazement. It seemed everyone was eager to start stuffing their faces, but this was one thing she couldn't let go of.

"Tradition?" Jin asked, confused.

"Yeah. Saying what we're thankful for," she reminded them, and recognition passed over their faces.

Miles, who sat directly across from her, nodded slowly. "Right. Forgot. Sorry, Jules."

"That's okay. Who wants to go first?"

Miles shrugged. "I'll go. I'm thankful for my hot girlfriend. And sex. And I guess… I'm thankful my parents are still together, cuz I really gotta make sure I'm born."

They laughed, taken aback by his bluntness. "Being born… yep, that's important," Juliet agreed, knocking her foot into Miles's under the table. He was trying to make a joke, but Juliet could tell there was some level of anxiety behind it.

"I go," Jin volunteered, and rubbed his hands together. "I am thankful for… good friends. Again. But also… Thankful we are still searching." He gave James a slight bow of his head, and Juliet's heart sank. They were searching grid by grid, under the radar and off the record, organized completely by James. She might think it fruitless, but clearly it brought Jin some peace.

"Course, Jinbo," James nodded back. He looked solemn, and the crease between his eyebrows was particularly deep.

"Thank you, Jin," Juliet said. "I would say… I'm thankful I didn't have to cook this year."

"Hear, hear!" the boys cheered, and Juliet felt a laugh bubble out of her chest. It tickled, like carbonation, and felt wonderful.

"Wow. Okay. That one was a joke, but…"

"Hey, true's true," Miles snorted, and took a deep swig of his beer.

Juliet found herself pursing her lips together and shaking her head. "Fine. Fair. My real one, isss… hmmm…. I guess I'm thankful for finding love in a place that I've always hated, and finding family when I can't be with my own."

She snaked her arm around James's back and laid her head on his shoulder. He pulled her tightly against him and pressed a hard kiss to the top of her head. Miles and Jin rolled their eyes and made gagging motions, but smiled at her when they were done. She reached out her free hand across the table and Miles laid his hand atop hers, patting it slightly. When he was done, Jin did the same, but gave her more of a squeeze. It warmed her soul, almost painfully, to be surrounded by such indescribable love.

"Alright Jim, your turn. Go so we can eat!" Miles barked impatiently, and though Juliet tried to pull back, James held fast.

"Damn, so impatient!" he chastised, but grinned broadly when Miles rolled his eyes. "Fine, fine. Since Blondie here stole mine," he said while leaning his head around to give her a fake glare, "I guess I gotta pick somethin' different. I'm grateful for this helluva spread, and the fact I can eat as much as I damn well please today. And I guess… I guess I'm also grateful for bein' promoted, so I can keep us doin' what we gotta do. And keep us all safe here." He nodded toward Jin, who angled his head back in acknowledgment.

Juliet could read between the lines. James was grateful for being promoted at all, because it gave him something to be proud of. She knew now he was keeping the searches up for morale, if nothing more. But having a job that he'd earned - that was something he'd never had before, and was still proud of all these months later. He may not love the Dharma Initiative specifically, but he did appreciate the respect and authority he'd gained from being made Head of Security.

She gave a little "woo!" and raised her glass of lemonade. "To never giving up," she suggested. Jin's eyes brightened - the intended effect - and everyone raised their glasses in return.

"To never giving up," they agreed, and clinked their drinks together across the table.

As they ate, unbeknownst to the other, both James and Juliet thought to themselves that even if nothing ever changed, and no one ever returned, they'd be okay with that. This unexpected, replacement life they'd found themselves in - it was everything they could ever hope to want. As long as they had each other, they had everything in the world to be thankful for.

—-

The sound of grinding, crunching metal filled James's ears. He could almost taste the metallic tang in his mouth, as if the very air around him were made of metal.

Or was that blood?

Chaos ensued around him. He didn't know where he was; all he saw were trees, tools, a crane, and other work equipment. There were no landmarks.

Jack, Kate, Hurley… everyone was there. There was screaming. James looked around but couldn't focus on any one thing, and the scene kept shifting. One moment, Kate was beside him. The next, she was shooting someone from the other side of the site.

How did she get there so fast?

James's feet were glued to the ground. He felt trapped, like he was walking in molasses. In the distance, blonde hair caught his eye. It was Juliet. He tried to call out to her, but his voice wouldn't work. And it was so… loud… everything was screeching, like they were in the path of a tornado.

He tried finding his voice again, and was finally able to call out to her. As expected, she couldn't hear him. He saw her shoot her gun. A man fell. Her face was pained, but she kept moving.

He gritted his teeth and moved his feet. They were slow, but he steadily made his way to Juliet. He needed to be by her side - in fact, the desperation to get to her, and the anxiety that he wasn't already beside her, only grew more monumental with each step.

But before he could get to her, the scene changed. She went from standing with her gun pointed somewhere to her left, to lying on her back.

She was covered in blood.

James felt his stomach ice over in fear. His hands felt tingly and his throat felt raw as he screamed her name. He fell to her side, wondering what had happened. He was almost there - what had he missed?

She coughed and blood spurted out of her mouth. The crimson liquid trickled down her cheek and James felt the air whoosh out of his lungs.

This couldn't be happening. This couldn't be happening. This couldn't be happening.

He didn't understand. He hadn't seen anything hit her. What had happened?

He cradled her head in his lap. She looked up at him, as if finally noticing his presence. She smiled, despite the pain she must be feeling. A single tear dripped down the side of her face, getting lost in her dirty hair.

"James…" she whispered, and James cried out. He clung harder to her. He tried begging her not to leave, but the words wouldn't come. "I have something to tell you… something important…" she said.

He leaned down, straining to hear what she had to say, but the world was still chaos around him.

"I'm here, baby," was all he could say as a choked sob escaped his lips.

Juliet smiled one last time, and the life left her eyes.

James awoke to the sound of his own screaming. Juliet was clawing at his arm, his shoulders, his back, trying to bring him back to his own mind, back to the present.

He sucked down lungfuls of air, thankfully tasting nothing metallic on his tongue. He was shaking all over and covered in sweat.

"James! James, it's okay!" she was saying, over and over and over again. She was trying to be soothing, but the sound of her voice only reminded him of what he'd seen. He squeezed his eyes shut, desperately trying to clear the image from his mind.

He groaned loudly, and before he knew it his back was pressed against the headboard and Juliet was straddling his hips. She placed her hands on either side of his face and was forcing him to look at her.

"James!" she shouted, and it was enough to catch his attention. "Baby look at me," she implored him, and the use of a nickname that she'd never used took him off-guard. He obeyed her command, looking deep into her eyes. The room was still dark, only vaguely lit by the lamps outside. Once his eyes adjusted, he could see the wild concern in her face - complete and utter desperation as she held his face between her hands.

Her weight on his thighs was a comfort. It brought him back down to earth, and he was able to breathe again. He held onto her shoulders, matching her as she walked him through deep breathing exercises. In, out. In, out.

"There you go… that's better… just like that…" she assured him, and soon she removed her hands from his skin. He missed it, but instead she rubbed his shoulders and upper arms instead. He let go of her and let his palms drift down to rest upon the tops of her thighs.

"I'm sorry…" he croaked, not sure what else to say.

"It's okay… it's not your fault… you're alright…" she whispered in the way that she does, soothing and light and peaceful. James felt himself relax, and gently pulled her down so that she was lying on his chest. She tucked her face into his neck, and he could feel her begin to relax as relief flooded her body.

James had no fucking clue what that had been about. Sure, he had vivid dreams all the time, but he hadn't dreamt of Juliet dying in months. And even then, it hadn't felt so… real. Though the scene changed and nothing felt continuous or linear, it felt real.

The only thing he could wager was that perhaps he was finally, irrevocably happy, and his brain was just reminding him of what all he has to lose. Perhaps this was just a result of all the Thanksgiving food, playing tryptophanic tricks on him and pulling his greatest fears from the depths of his subconscious. Whatever it was, it was highly unwelcome, and James squeezed Juliet even more tightly as he recalled once more, in painful clarity, how it felt to see the light - her beautiful, perfect, kind, unmatchable light - leave her body forever.

It was something he swore he'd never let himself see again, in the dream world or otherwise.

After a few moments, Juliet shifted her position and tucked herself against his side. She smoothed her hand across his chest, from one side to the other, in a rhythmic motion. It was hypnotic, and eventually was enough to pull him back under.

The last thing he thought, before sleep found him, was that Juliet was wrong. When they'd fought, and she'd called herself Kate's substitute. If anything, Kate had only been the one holding Juliet's place until she got there. Because this, right here, was what James had been waiting all his life for. This life with her - it wasn't a replacement for the life he'd left behind.

It was everything he'd ever wanted and more - and he'd do anything it took to defend it.