About the Author: Buster Manwomb was a one-time time travelling vigilante who gave up on the chance to prevent the shooting of Archduke Ferdinand so they could neutralize a rabid failing classical composer named Smumpy Gubbs who nearly pissed in Bob Ross' cradle, forcing him to spontaneously evolve gills that could only breathe piss, preventing him from becoming a successful painter because all his paintings would smell like piss to and no one would buy them.
Johnny Cash wrote a song about it, but the only draft was destroyed by his publishers fearing it would inspire another drug abuse scandal.
Chapter 2: Harder than a dyson vacuum.
"Where are we?" Logan asked, not realizing he was alone in a cell.
"You have been found guilty of tainting our intellectual properties." A voice said on the cell intercom. "For this crime you must be punished."
"Couldn't you just let me off with a warning?" Logan asked.
"Silence! For tampering with the intellectual properties of the Disney empire, we will fuck… your childhood!"
"Uh…" Logan stammered as one of the walls of the cell opened with a sudden hiss. In the darkness beyond, he saw two hairy creatures sauntering menacingly towards him.
"Your friend snitched on you. He told us your most potent weakness!"
"What?" Logan said, feeling a mix of confusion and danger.
"Behold and suffer!" The intercom said as the hairy monstrosities lumber closer. "As we make your childhood icons FUCK before your very eyes!"
"Oh!" Logan said as he recognized the Philadelphia Flyers sensuously beloved mascot Gritty, and AMPM's girthily edible mascot Toomgis stepped out below the fluorescent lighting of his cell. realizing that Stevo had lied to the interrogators, and that he'd need to pretend to not be totally into this. "Oh no! Stop. This is absolutely terrible. No, please. I beg of you."
"Beg all you want, you filthy fanfiction distributor!" The intercom laughed as Gritty and Toomgis began to engage in the closest thing to foreplay two massive mascots could manage. "Try and avert your eyes! Even without seeing them, your other four senses will never be able to avoid experiencing every MOIST detail of their yeasty congress!"
"Oh no, have mercy!" Logan said as he made himself comfortable.
Meanwhile, in the next cell over.
"What the fuck!" Stevo said, waking up in a jail cell bereft of furnishing but for a bed, a sink, and a bucket. "Where am I? Let me out!"
"You are guilty of peddling fanfiction!" The intercom said. "Suffer!"
And then the far wall opened. From the darkness a single rectangular figure walked towards Stevo.
"Ohhh no… No! NO!" Stevo said, genuine terror filling his very soul. Scrambling to the door, he tried in vain to claw at the hinges. "This is inhuman! Let me out! Let me out damn you!"
"Resistance is futile, Stevo." Said the six foot tall sentient vhs copy of Highlander 2. "Have a seat, it is time for us to have a little movie night."
"You are trapped here until you can honestly say that you can tolerate the cinematic masterwork that is Highlander 2 in all of its viscous glory!" The intercom said before laughing maniacally.
Stevo's pained scream echoed through the land, dying out just before it could reach the abandoned nuclear bunker Val, David, and Shawn hunkered down into for a brief respite, with Val and Stevo's dog Lana jr standing guard at the entryway.
"This is terrible!" Val exclaimed. "We need a plan."
"We could try fleeing to the territory formerly known as Canada." David suggested. "Maybe it's gotten better since the Nestle annexation."
"No chance." Shawn said. "Even if it was better now, we'd never make it through the no man's land."
"How about we make up a plan to rescue Stevo and Logan, first?" Val suggested.
"How?" David asked. "They're in a maximum security prison, guarded by an army! We wouldn't have a hope even if this fic wasn't already starting to get a bit long! We have no chance!"
"Wait, what was that?" Shawn asked. "Say that again."
"… 'We have no chance?'" David repeated.
"No, before that." Shawn directed.
"They're in a prison, guarded by an army." David said.
"Between them."
David stared blankly, unable to remember what he said seconds before.
"God damn it" Shawn said, standing up and reaching into his bag. "We're in a fanfiction."
"What?" Val said incredulously. "What are you talking about? Where are you going?"
"Just outside." Shawn said, grabbing the can of corned beef that made up the last of his food. "I'm going to summon a deus ex machina."
"Shawn, are you feeling okay?" David asked.
"Nope." Shawn said as he scooched past Lana. Making sure there weren't any thought police nearby, he stepped out into the street.
"I need a fanfiction!" He said loudly, opening the corned beef. "And I have deli meats!"
A minute passed without anything happening. Disappointed, but unsurprised, Shawn tossed the corned beef away. He hated the stuff anyways. Not wanting to risk detection, he started to walk back to the bunker.
"Woof!" Lana barked.
Val and David peered out to see what Lana was barking at. Shawn turned around and saw that it was one of the garbage griffins. As Shawn was wondering how it found them. It threw a perplexingly fresh tilapia at Shawn, then flew off.
"Where did it get that fish?" Val wondered.
"I don't know." Shawn said, putting the issue to rest. "But I think we have our plan."
The three of them snuck through the ruins of Old New Baltimore, relying on Lana's nose to detect and avoid the thought police. Eventually they made their way to the hive city of New New Baltimore. Unfortunately, the only ways in or out of the city were the heavily patrolled security entrances, and the inches-wide drainage pipes the garbage griffins travelled through.
"Okay, now what?" Val asked as they hid in a burned-out house just outside to reach of the perimeter turrets.
"Uh…" Shawn then threw the tilapia. It flew about twenty meters in a graceless spiral before being pulped by the turrets.
"Genius!" David commented sarcastically. "We're really going to fuck them up using a single… what the hell is the fish doing?"
As the three watched, the soil the tilapia pulp had soaked into began to swell and morph, pulsating with a piercing electric hum. Alarms began to blare, and the turrets focused their fire onto it. Whatever the tilapia had become absorbed all the bullets with an almost gleeful squeal. Pores began to form on its skin, dimpling its surface with millions of tiny holes from which steaming, oily tentacles protruded. As the tilapia approached the wall of New New Baltimore, its body continued to swell. Several cavities bubbled on its surface, popping to reveal spiralized vortexes of razor sharp teeth chittering behind moist, ooblek-like lips. It bit into the city like a knife through hot butter, tearing up metal and police flesh discriminately, and growing with each mouthful.
Val, David, and Shawn were able to follow the Tilapia, their only resistance being the fleeing crowds of workers the tilapia dismissed entirely. It shredded the city, eventually devouring the building that had "prison" conveniently painted on its side. The tilapia powerfully yet delicately tore off a single wall of the jail cells before continuing on its rampage. The three ran up to the jail cells, pausing as the beheld the horror that they interrupted.
"Stevo…" Val asked. "What are you doing?"
Stevo was in the cell bed, hidden by the covers. Beside him was a comedically large VHS copy of the directors cut of Highlander 2: The Quickening wearing a square-shaped cardboard bra and a paper bag with Homestar Runner's face drawn onto it in crayon.
"Uh…" Stevo said, donning his pants and removing the Homestar Runner mask before he pushed the VHS to the side. "Making the best of a bad situation. Is Logan okay?"
The four rushed to the next cell over. Two large and hairy mascot costumes were going at it in the middle of Logan's cell. When they called his name, his head emerged from within the hairy madness.
"Logan, we're here to rescue you! … Are you okay?" Shawn said.
"I'm fine!" Logan declared. "Just give me five minutes… no wait, ten."
Fifteen minutes later, The Friday Night Fanfiction hosts stared into the distance at the tilapia wreaked havoc upon the landscape. The landscape was already nigh-irreparably fucked up, but at least now it was happening at the expense of the rich fucks that ruined the planet for profit.
"So… what do we do know?" Stevo asked.
"Taco Bell?" David suggested.
"Taco Bell sounds good." Val said as everyone else nodded in agreement.
And so, they all went to Taco Bell and had a good time.
THE END
Wait, no. As they were eating, one of their fans revealed themselves to the hosts while they were eating at taco bell.
"So, are you guys going to go on another hiatus?"
"Probably! What can I say, using our free time to keep a podcast on schedule during an ongoing apocalypse is kinda hard!" Stevo said.
"I'll tell you what you could do!" David said to the fan between bites of a chicken crunchwich. "While you're waiting, you could stay tuned for more episodes of Slamfictio- wait, where'd they go?"
THE END
