When Kyo woke up, he didn't feel particularly rested. But he knew, without even having to look, that it was five-thirty.
At first, he simply laid there, staring up at the ceiling. The wooden beams were so familiar, so traditional. The same beams that crossed the ceiling of every room in the dojo. Looking at this ceiling, he could just as easily be in his childhood room in Kazuma's house, tucked in warm and safe.
He could feel Tohru's arms around him, and her head pillowed on his chest. Somehow during the night, they'd shifted so that she was half on top of him. Holding him. Keeping him safe, even in sleep.
Kyo smiled, then sighed. The desire to simply fall back asleep was strong; he had no idea what time it had been when he'd woken them up, but it had to have been late. Early. Whatever. He wasn't sure how long he'd been awake, either, but that short amount of time had made him feel like he'd run a marathon. It wouldn't be the worst thing, to try to sleep a bit longer.
But ultimately, he didn't want to. Sleep was all well and good, but what he needed was a chance to clear his head. Sleep could reset his body, but not his mind, and if he could deal with his mind he didn't need to worry about his body.
That decided, he carefully eased himself out from under Tohru, then quietly rose from the futon and got dressed. It might be cold outside, but at least there was no snow; nothing that would really stop him from having a good run.
After letting himself out through the dojo's side door, Kyo set off, quickly and efficiently hitting his stride. He wondered, briefly, if Hiro still went running in the mornings. While he certainly hoped so, he didn't really want to run into anyone he knew, not today. So he set himself a different course, and hoped that his hat would properly disguise him from familiar eyes.
He hadn't dreamed about his birth father in a very long time. His mother, yes. She had been the subject of far too many dreams, far too many self-recriminations and judgements. How many times had he seen her when he closed his eyes? Reminding him that she'd loved him, and how she'd paid the price. Even when he knew that wasn't true, that he wasn't to blame, he still had to fight off those old fears, those old feelings of guilt.
He would see her, the way he'd also see Kyoko. Bloody. Lifeless. Damaged beyond repair. Reminding him that this was just...how things were, for him. That he was destined to be surrounded by pain, and by loss.
Sometimes, there was a train. Other times, it had been Kyo himself, standing, looking out through the eyes of the beast. The Cat's true form, looking down at bloodstained claws. His mom had tried so hard to protect him, to keep him safe, but she could only do so much when she had to work against his very nature. Because that's what he was, wasn't he? A monster. A creature. An abomination.
'That thing is a monster! It doesn't deserve to exist!'
That's right, it doesn't.
'Don't you dare call that creature my son!'
But she wasn't. She wasn't, and she never had. The creature...the monster...that had never been him. It had been within him; it had been beside him. But it had never been him. No matter what Kyo himself had once believed, no matter what those around him chose to see. He had never been the monster. Not even when his skin burned and bubbled, not when the searing pain ripped through his bones and contorted his body. He had believed, once.
But that wasn't him.
It wasn't!
Kyo almost wished it had been like the other dreams. It would almost have been easier, to see his mother fly. He'd seen that enough, revisited it enough, that he could almost manage it. Could explain to himself, once awake, why he wasn't to blame.
Why was it so much easier, to see her body broken than her spirit?
'You wanted a child. You begged for a child!'
How long had it taken her, to plead her case? Had Katashi been nervous at first, but ultimately excited, to grow their family? Had he maybe even been in full agreement from the start, but reshaped his own memories after Kyo had been born as the Cat?
Had he actually never wanted a child and only agreed to placate her, little knowing what that 'small' sacrifice would lead to?
Kyo never doubted that his mother had wanted him. Not the Cat. Not the life she'd been burdened by. But him...Kyo. Even if she could never separate him from the Curse, he was still her son. She wanted him, even when she couldn't bear to carry him any longer.
'I wish I'd never married you. I wish I'd never even seen you!'
What had life been like for them, before? Had they been happy together? Had they been starry-eyed, full of love? Hopeful about their future, dreaming and planning together? Had everything been perfect, until the Curse came along and fractured it?
No one had ever told him, what things were like for his parents before. Kazuma hadn't known them before; no one Kyo really knew had. Perhaps now, if he asked around, he could get some answers. But what was the point? Was it really better to know?
It was probably better to wonder.
'That thing is not my son!'
How many times had he heard that hateful voice, those hateful words? Never once looking at him with kindness, or even pity. Definitely not love.
'Get out of my sight.'
How alone he felt, those first few years. She had tried so hard to shield him, to show him enough love to make up for the rest of the world turning their backs on him. To remind him that whatever anyone else said, she, at least, was there for him. She had loved him. Until the end.
'It's your fault, Kyo! Because of you, your mother is dead!'
No, it wasn't his fault. It was never his fault. But he still couldn't do anything to stop it, and she was gone. He was alone in a sea of eyes, a sea of whispers. Judging. Blaming. Accusing. How wrong it was, how horribly, horribly wrong. All of it. She shouldn't have died. She shouldn't have had to take on all that anger and hatred and fear, shouldn't have had to take all the barbs and arrows meant for Kyo.
Meant for the Cat.
She shouldn't have had to take it all herself, alone. She should have been able to share it, to spread it out. Not take on more and more, until she was crushed under the weight.
'It's all your fault!'
It's not my fault!
'No...none of this is your fault, Kyo'
Kyo had been so angry. So afraid. So alone. Trembling with rage, screaming so hard his lungs hurt. An angry child, wild with grief and unable to bear the load that had crushed someone far more experienced. No more shielded, no more protected. All he had to block the arrows was himself, and his own rage.
'Kyo...would you like to come live with me?'
It hadn't seemed real. No one ever spoke to him that way, with gentle tones and a kind smile. No one ever talked to him, other than to criticize. To judge.
To yell.
There had only ever been one person who wanted him, who cared about him. And she was gone.
But yet...
Here was this person, crouched down to his level. Comforting him. Smiling at him. Offering him a chance to step away from the yelling and the rage and the cold, bitter accusations. Away from the fear.
'My name is Kazuma Sohma. I'm a karateka, and I run the Sohma family dojo.'
No talking down. No sneering asides. Just simple, straightforward kindness. Eyes that saw the boy, not just the Cat. Who could see just how ugly and unfair the world could be. Who wanted to step in, to hold off that ugliness.
"It's such a shame, Kazuma taking in that Cat child. He's too young to throw himself away like that for such a creature!'
Was that true, especially at first? How hard had he had to work, to stave off those comments? To keep all the ugly words, the angry tones, away from Kyo's ears? To help him finally break out of his sad and angry shell? How long had it taken him to polish away the fear that one day, he'd look at Kyo and decide 'no more?'
'Don't you dare call that creature my son! That thing is not my son!'
'You are...my troublesome son.'
Two men. Two different sets of eyes, two vastly different perspectives. One, who had never done anything but reject him. Who had flung him away, from the very moment he'd been born.
And the other, who had never turned his back for even a moment.
No, Katashi. You're right. You've been wrong about so much, for my entire life. About almost everything, especially about me. About Mom. But you're right about this; I'm not your son.
Kyo had thought about it, quite a lot in the past year. He'd gone back and forth, wondering if it was too much, too silly and sentimental. Things were good, the way they were. He was happy.
But he wanted more.
It had been a joke, that adoption form stuck into his bag. A teasing reminder from his friends that now as an adult, he could legally adopt someone else, provided they were younger than him.
He didn't want to adopt anyone, though.
Twenty years old...it was just a number, but it meant maturity. Responsibility. Freedom. All his life thus far, it had technically been possible for Katashi to interfere, to pull him back. It had been a blessing that he'd cut Kyo off so very thoroughly; for the most part, he seemed to neither remember or care about Kyo's existence, except when he was forcibly reminded. He was too caught up in his own misery, too busy feeling sorry for himself.
Kyo could have related to that feeling, once. He now only felt pity and disgust, that a person could so easily and thoroughly waste their life.
But now...Kyo was finally, fully beyond his grasp. There was nothing Katashi could do to him, not any more. Kyo was free to make his own choices, take his own chances, shoulder his own responsibilities. And he was ready. More than ready.
There were so many things he wanted in life, so many things he was working towards. So many things he already had. He had Tohru, and this summer, he'd marry her. He had his job at the dojo. Their life together. Friends. Things that he'd dreamed about, that he'd once thought would never come to pass. So many great things.
But he wanted more.
Was it greedy, to want more?
Kyo knew that how he himself felt about Kazuma would never change, no matter what else life threw at him. In every way that counted, in every way that really, really mattered, Kazuma was his father. He was the one who had been there for Kyo, the one who had lifted him up. Taught him. Protected him. Encouraged him. He was the one who had stood between Kyo and the darkness, the one who had seen him when no one else would. The one who had been willing to hope, even when Kyo himself couldn't.
He had taken in a scorned, unloved child, and raised him to manhood without asking or taking anything. He hadn't let the whispers deter him, hadn't let the judgements sour him. Even when Kyo himself had tried to drive Kazuma away, to reject him so Kyo would never have to feel the pain of one day losing him, Kazuma had stood fast.
He had loved him. Still loved him. And been proud of that fact.
Everything else was just semantics. Hell, not even semantics; they already had the same last name, and Kyo already called him 'Dad.' Legalities. It would be a hassle; there would be paperwork, and documentation. It would have life-long legal ramifications, ramifications that it might be too annoying to ask Kazuma to deal with.
But Kyo wanted to.
No, yesterday wasn't the first time he'd thought about the idea. But yesterday, his twentieth birthday, was the first day he knew he could finally do something about it. Ask, without the specter of Katashi's rage or disgust hanging over him like a dark cloud. Much as Katashi didn't want him, and had never wanted him, Kyo wouldn't put it past him to ruin anything he could.
But he couldn't, now. There was no way for him to touch Kyo, ever again. Not unless it was on Kyo's terms, and his alone.
He needed to talk to Tohru first. He knew that she'd be fully onboard; there was no question she'd be happy. But he still wanted to talk to her, to spell everything out. To know that she approved, not just assume.
And then he'd just need to talk to his father.
Kyo had been so deep in thought that he'd completely lost track of the time. And when he finally thought about it and checked, he was stunned to see it was already seven-thirty, the time Kazuma's first Saturday morning class started. Normally he would have been back at the dojo over half an hour ago!
He made excellent time on his way back, but it still took over fifteen minutes to reach the dojo gate and he sighed. He'd wanted to make both of the morning classes, and he was particularly fond of the first one; it tended to be pretty small, which meant a lot of individual focus from Kazuma. And he was sure his father was wondering why he wasn't there.
But there wasn't a lot he could do about that right now.
He was in for another surprise when he slid open the door to their room and found Tohru awake, dressed, and brushing her hair. Yesterday had been a long day, and with his late-night wake-up he'd been certain she'd be sleeping for a while yet.
Tohru was surprised in turn by the sight of Kyo just returning, his breathing still heavy and his running clothes still on. She knew Kazuma's schedule like the back of her hand, and she also knew that unless they had conflicting plans, Kyo always liked to attend every class possible when they were back at the dojo. She'd actually been debating walking down to watch, to see if she could tell whether Kyo was still dwelling at all on what had happened last night.
Seeing him there, looking at her in surprise himself, was very unexpected.
Tohru lowered her brush. "Kyo, is everything ok? You're late for class!"
Kyo sighed. "Yeah, I know. I was running and I lost track of time." He pulled off his sneakers, walking into the room and closing the door behind him. "You're up early," he added, glancing at her.
"Later than I would be at home," Tohru reminded Kyo, looking at him anxiously. She knew her fiancé well, and she knew that he lovingly referred to his runs as his 'thinking time.' If he'd lost track of time, it wasn't because he was too caught up in the actual running.
"I guess. Early for here, though, especially with how late we got to bed." And how little sleep they'd actually had, which both of them thought without him needing to say it.
"Maybe." Tohru watched as Kyo tossed off his gloves and hat, and wiped down his face. Trying to get a read on how he was feeling, what he might be thinking. But what she saw didn't satisfy her, and after a moment she asked, "Kyo, do you want to talk?"
He lowered his hand towel and looked over at her, cracking a small smile. "You know, if it was anyone else who kept asking me that, it would get pretty annoying."
"Are you annoyed?" Her voice was soft, and he shook his head in response.
"No. Because I know you mean it. You're not asking just to ask, you know?" She'd never been like that, the kind of person who did things because 'it was the right thing to do.' She did them because they were just right, without having to even think twice.
Tohru gave him a smile. "I do mean it, Kyo. Though I do hope you'd tell me if I was being annoying, because I'm sure even I have to annoy you, sometimes." Her playful manner made them both laugh, and he came over to give her a hug.
"Maybe sometimes, but not right now." He stepped back, looking at her affectionately. She was another, who had always cared. Who cared more than anyone else, and made no bones about it. Who was always in his corner, always wanting to make him feel better, always pushing him to be his best.
He was so lucky to have her.
Kyo had meant to change and get to class, even if he was late. But seeing Tohru awake, he'd changed his mind. She was worried about him, and he hated that. She'd been worried about him. He didn't want her to worry, not any more than she had to.
He took her hands. "Actually, yeah, I want to talk. Can we sit down?"
She nodded, and the two of them sat down on the tatami. Kyo was silent at first, and so was Tohru; simply waiting, giving him the time to decide what to say.
"You know, last night when I had that dream...I was kinda freaked out. It's been a while since I dreamed about...him. I didn't even dream about him after you...you know." He still hated to even think about Tohru's encounter that autumn with Katashi; neither Tohru or Kazuma had been willing to tell him the details, but he knew enough to know that Katashi had been violent towards her, on top of his regular hideous slurs. By mutual agreement, it was a topic he and Tohru didn't discuss.
And Tohru knew exactly what he meant, dipping her head to avoid his eyes. She didn't regret that she'd tried, but she did regret the pain that whole day had caused Kyo, even without him knowing exactly what happened.
"But then this morning, I was thinking about it. The dream. And I guess I started thinking it was...I dunno, kinda prophetic, or something." Kyo shifted, feeling slightly awkward. Considering that he'd been possessed by a celestial spirit until he was seventeen, he probably shouldn't feel embarrassed about believing in omens, but it still felt weird to say out loud. Even though he knew Tohru would never judge him.
She just sat beside him, holding his hand, listening.
"I told you it was the night before Mom...killed herself. Katashi was saying ugly stuff to her, ugly stuff about her. About me. It was shit he'd said before, lots of times, and shit he'd say again. He told her I wasn't his son. Called me a 'thing.'"
Tohru could very well believe that; she could almost hear it, remembering how hoarsely Katashi had screamed those very things at her.
"But you know...he's right, Tohru. Not about the 'thing' part. Because I'm not a 'thing,' and I never was, either!" Kyo's voice was fierce; even though he knew Tohru would be the first to stand up and say that herself, he needed to say it, too.
And Tohru's own voice was fierce in agreement. "No, you're not!"
"No, I'm not." Kyo took a breath, and his voice leveled out again. "But he was right about the other thing. I'm not his son. I never was. Because he's never been my father, not once in my whole damn life."
He sighed, shifting forward again. "There was something else they gave me at work yesterday, last thing. I didn't mention it yesterday when I was telling you, because I was still thinking about it. A lot. I'd been thinking about it for a while, but seeing the actual form, realizing what being twenty really meant...it was just a lot."
"Form?"
He nodded. "Yeah. An adoption form. Because when you're twenty, you can adopt someone, you know?"
Tohru took a breath of her own, looking at Kyo with suddenly shining eyes. Suddenly, everything made sense. "And when you're twenty...you don't need permission to be adopted, either."
He was smiling, looking down in an almost sheepish way. "That's right. Now that I'm legal, Katashi can't touch me, and he can't stop me, either."
Tohru was so happy she wanted to cry. After everything Kyo had been through, everything he'd gone through, to know that he'd been thinking about this; it was almost as wonderful a feeling as when they'd gotten engaged.
Almost.
"Have you talked to Master Kazuma?"
Kyo shook his head. "Not yet. I wanted to really think about it, really be sure. I mean, making it legal wouldn't change a whole lot, you know? He's always been my dad, and he's always gonna be my dad, no matter what anyone's family registry says. And it could be a hassle, dealing with the legal stuff and the paperwork."
Tohru couldn't imagine a universe where Kazuma would care in the slightest about any of that. "Kyo, he's going to be so incredibly happy."
"Yeah?" Kyo was grinning now, as well. He certainly hoped Kazuma would feel that way; hoped it wouldn't be too annoying, or too much of a headache.
"I'm sure of it," she said, smiling. "And it makes me incredibly happy, too."
He knew that would be the case, but it was still great to hear. "Yeah?"
She laughed and pushed at him. "Of course! He's your father, Kyo, and you both deserve that, in every way." She smiled, taking in the way Kyo was grinning. He looked so happy...almost as boyish as he'd been the night before, when he'd finally fallen asleep. "When are you going to talk to him?"
He hadn't initially been sure. He knew he wanted to, though obviously not until he'd talked to Tohru. But now that Tohru knew...now that he knew for sure that she was on his side...
"Probably later this morning, after class." Kyo glanced at her, knowing she had plans to go visit Akito. "Do you want me to do it when you're around?" Tohru had always had a thing for emotional events, and he knew she'd be thrilled to be present for this one.
And he was right. She would be. But in response to his question, she shook her head. "No. It's sweet of you to offer, but this time...this one is for you, Kyo, you, and Master Kazuma. I expect you to tell me all about it, later, of course," she said sternly, eliciting a laugh and then a nod from Kyo, "but I think it would be better to be just the two of you."
Kyo smiled, pulling Tohru into his arms. "I think you're right. I don't want him to feel like he's too on the spot, you know?"
Tohru understood, but she knew in her heart what Kazuma's answer would be. There could never be any doubt.
Kazuma glanced up when Kyo came into the practice room just before the 9am class. "There you are. I was surprised not to see you for the first class." He smiled, walking over to give Kyo a hug. "Did the trip wear you out more than you anticipated?"
Kyo chuckled, returning the hug before shaking his head. "Nah, I got caught up in a run and lost track of the time."
"Really." Kazuma was surprised by that, and looked at Kyo curiously. Normally, he'd expect that sort of behavior only if Kyo was upset or worried about something; as a rule, Kyo was incredibly punctual. For him to miss a karate class because he was running was highly unusual.
But as far as Kazuma could tell, Kyo seemed fine. There was no tightness to his mouth, no furrow to his brow. Not a single sign that even the slightest thing was bothering him.
Interesting.
Kyo could tell that Kazuma was scrutinizing him, but he only smiled. There was nothing for either of them to worry about; he was fine. Better than fine.
"Sorry I missed. Next time I'll do better at keeping track."
Kazuma shook his head. "It's perfectly fine. I'm just glad to have you here now." He glanced over at the practice room clock, the back at Kyo with a smile. "Has Tohru gone?"
"Yeah, she's off to see Akito. Hopefully she has a good time." That friendship still baffled him, but it had been nearly two years and was still going strong. As long as it made Tohru happy, he wasn't going to worry about it.
"What time do you two need to leave for your lunch plans?"
"Probably around 11:30. Tohru was gonna try to be back around quarter after."
Kazuma nodded, and Kyo looked at him with a smile. "So, after class is done here, you wanna hang out for a bit? I was hoping to talk to you about something."
There it was, the reason for the extended run. Kazuma had guessed there must be something. "Of course. Nothing concerning, I hope?"
Kyo shook his head, a smile on his face. "Nah, it's nothing bad. Just...something. I just don't wanna get into it now," he added, giving a wave as other students started to trickle into the room and saw him.
Kazuma looked at him thoughtfully for a moment, then smiled. "After class, then."
