I haven't written a fanfic in probably 15 years, so this is a fun blast from the past. My story is set in an AU where the main changes are that Remus didn't die in the final battle, and he and Tonks never wed or had a child. There may be other deviations from canon, mainly because it's been a handful of years since I've read the books and I may get some things wrong.
I hope you enjoy! Please feel free to leave comments- let me know what you think! Constructive criticism is always welcome, I'm not the strongest writer and am always happy for tips on improving.
Using one hand to push her unruly curls out of her face for what felt like the thousandth time that day, Hermione Granger held up her other hand to carefully scrutinize the small crystal phial she was grasping gently. No longer could she see the individual corkscrew strand of hair, nor the large red chrysalis, both of which she had carefully placed in the vial nearly 6 weeks prior. No, they plus that absolutely gag-inducing mandrake leaf had melted away into the previously crystal-clear dew, leaving behind a mouthful or so of what looked disturbingly like blood. Hermione felt her heartbeat (both of them, at this point) speed up as she unwillingly recalled all the blood she saw spilt at the Battle of Hogwarts the year before, both literally and figuratively- Shaking her head, she forced her mind away from that horrid day. They were here to start making happier memories, after all.
Having dragged her mind away quickly from her dark thoughts, she lowered her phial to eye the identical potion held by her black haired, bespectacled best friend. He met her eyes and grinned.
"What d'ya think, Hermione? Did I create an Animagus potion worthy of an Outstanding? Perhaps just Acceptable? Really, I'll still drink it unless you think it would only get a Troll."
She rolled her eyes at her friend, who was cheekily grinning at her. "Harry," she sighed, exasperated. "First, you know this is a higher level of magic than we would have been tested on for our NEWTs, had we taken them, so trying to compare the quality to test scores is quite silly. Second, even if we were to arbitrarily have these graded, I hope you're not implying that you'd drink that if it were anything less than an Exceeds Expectations- you do remember, I'm sure, that I spent weeks in the hospital wing as a hybrid cat/human…thing. Surely you wouldn't want to risk something similar with a subpar potion. Third, I'm hardly an expert, so I'm not sure why you're looking to me for answers."
As she made her third point, she grinned and made eye contact with Remus Lupin- tall, scarred, sandy-haired, and one of her very favorite people. He had agreed to guide them through this venture months prior, having been especially qualified to help them through the tedious steps since he had helped his 3 best friends do the same over two decades ago. He smiled warmly back at her, but she couldn't help but notice something wasn't quite right- he seemed a bit tense behind his smile, as though he were anticipating something not entirely pleasant. She'd have to ask about it later, she decided.
Remus seemed to have something to say, because he opened his mouth to speak, but before he could utter a single syllable, a sullen voice jumped in.
"I don't understand why you couldn't have waited for me to feel the second heartbeat", the scowling red-head said. "It's been weeks of saying this stupid spell twice a day, getting up at the bloody crack of dawn, having to rush through dinner to say it at sunset, every single day for weeks, and still absolutely nothing. I don't understand why you both got it so quickly."
Hermione stopped herself from rolling her eyes, and instead smiled gently at her frustrated friend. "Ronald- you know with this one it's really luck of the draw as far as timing goes. And it makes the most sense for Harry and I to take our potions now- I couldn't find anything stating whether or not it had a shelf life, and we'd hate for all of that hard work to be for nothing. Well, no use delaying- do you reckon we're good to go?" She asked, turning her eyes once again to Remus.
He peered first at her potion,scrutinizing it carefully, then at Harry's. Ron continued to sulk, pretending not to be interested in what was happening. Remus nodded once, and before Hermione could lose her nerve, she quickly gulped down her potion, Harry mirroring her actions just a moment later.
Hermione and Harry both stood, slightly bewildered, the sharp sting of anticipation heavy in the air- nothing was happening. Remus smiled patiently, seemingly unperturbed by the anticlimactic moment. Ron looked between his two friends, bewildered, clearly having expected something more than absolutely nothing in the moment after they gulped their potions. Remus kept his eyes on Hermione, still harboring something unreadable in his mild expression.
As the moments passed, Hermione grew worried. Had they done something wrong? Had they wasted all of this time? Her mind whirled through the possibilities, anxious that she had failed though logically she knew she had done everything carefully and precisely. But then- she felt something, a small nudging in her mind. She closed her eyes, slowed her breathing, and quieted her thoughts, giving this one the space to take shape. She furrowed her brow as something brown and furry began to blur into her thoughts. She had been quite sure her Animagus would match her lovely, trustworthy otter Patronus, who she had grown extremely fond of. But this…this didn't seem to have the right shape.
"Are you seeing something, Hermione? I've got absolutely nothing" Harry's voice cut through her thoughts, and the image wavered for a moment, before slowly continuing to solidify.
"Yes…I…I do see something." she murmured, distracted. "It's hard to tell what it is…not an otter, though. Maybe a…a cat of some kind? No…It's…it's. Oh. It's a bear."
She was quite surprised, and if she could be perfectly honest, a bit disappointed, and she didn't think to keep the emotions out of her voice.
"A bear?" Ron exclaimed, unable to keep the mirth out of his own voice. "Hermione, you're going to be enormous."
Hermione shook her head at that, still trying to decipher exactly what she was seeing. "No, no. This bear…I don't know how to explain, because there's nothing to compare it to in my mind's eye, but it's…yes, I'm sure it's quite small. A bit taller than a house elf, I'd wager."
"A koala?"
"Ronald, a Koala is a marsupial, and substantially smaller than a house elf. I'm quite certain this is an actual bear, though I've no idea the species. It's got brown fur, nearly the same color as my hair. A great big splotch of gold on its collarbone. A stubby snout, and large paws. It…it looks like it might be built for climbing? I'll need to go to the library to see if I can identify it."
Ron and Harry's snorts brought her back to the present and her eyes snapped open. She flushed scarlet, not sure if she was embarassed by the boys laughing at her mention of going to the library, the absolutely ridiculous form her animagus turned out to be, or the peculiar look Remus still had on his face as he continued to quietly watch her. She cleared her throat, tucked a loose curl behind her ear self consciously, and turned her gaze to Harry.
"Well?" she asked, eager to shift the attention off of herself, "I shouldn't be the only person seeing something. Let's see if yours is as surprising as mine has turned out to be."
Harry, startled when he realized he had distracted himself so thoroughly from something he had been so keen to find out, squeezed his eyes shut. It was quite a bit quicker for him to decipher his Animagus form, likely because the image had had several minutes to form in his subconscious while he was focused on Hermione. His eyes shot open, and he looked pleased for a moment, before he seemed to have realized something, screwed his eyes shut again and then groaned.
He opened his eyes, shaking off the small scowl that had accompanied the groan, and grinned over at Remus. "You may as well start calling me Prongs Jr."
For the first time in several long minutes, Remus pulled his eyes away from Hermione, and flashed a wide grin at Harry. "A stag? James would be extremely proud. Congratulations, Harry."
Harry nodded, happy and pleased, though Hermione could tell something was still bothering him. After a moment of silence, Hermione asked him what he had noticed. Harry rolled his eyes, annoyed- not at the question, it seemed, but the answer.
"I've still got my bloody scar. Right up on the left side of my furry forehead, a lovely little lightning bolt. Seems like I can't escape being the bloody 'Boy Who Lived' even in another body."
Hermione frowned sympathetically, but Harry let himself smile again.
"It really doesn't matter. At least it's not my glasses, like McGonagal's cat! Oy, Ron- what do you reckon you'll be, with all of that Weasley hair. A fox? Maybe a red panda, to match Hermione's bear? No, I've got it- you'll be a lovely little red squirrel!"
Hermione chuckled as Ron raised his wand in mock anger, and chuckled even more when Harry cast a lazy 'Expelliarmus", stopping Ron's hex before he could even mouth a spell. The boys both laughed as Harry tossed his wand back at him, and then Ron excitedly started to chat to Harry about his hope to be a lion. She slowly made her way over to Remus, who was fairly quiet and seemed, not for the first time today, quite distracted. She stood next to him for nearly a minute before he turned and realized she was there.
"Hermione– apologies. I fear my mind was elsewhere." He forced what she was sure he thought was a natural and easy smile, but she knew him better than that. She pursed her lips and raised an eyebrow, concerned.
"Remus, what's bothering you? Please, don't deny it- you've been distracted all afternoon."
He raised his eyebrows, looking a bit like a little boy getting caught with his hand in the cookie jar- then relaxed his face into half a smile. "I'm really quite fine, Hermione. Today, doing this…I'm just feeling a bit…well, nostalgic, I suppose. Some days, the past seems far, far away, but other days it seems like it's almost repeating itself it's so near."
Hermione put a comforting hand on his shoulder and smiled gently. "Yes, I'm sure thoughts of James and Sirius are near, considering you helped them do the very same thing you've helped us with these past months. Thank you, again, by the way. After the war…well, we've all felt a bit untethered, especially Harry. With Voldemort truly gone, we've felt a bit out of place in the world- when you've put your whole self into something for so long, it's hard to find direction once it's done."
Remus nodded in understanding. "Of course Hermione. It's been my pleasure, truly- I've felt a bit lost at sea myself, especially after…after the battle."
His eyes darkened, and she was sure he was remembering Tonks- his last close friend lost to a meaningless war. She had a hard time reigning in her emotions then, considering this quiet and brave man before her, destined for so much hardship in his 38 years of life. Bitten by a werewolf at only 4, losing every close friend he'd ever had, starting with James and Lily Potter when he was her age, Sirius more recently after only a few short years of happy reunion, and then Tonks that last summer. Hermione was quite sure there may have been something more than friendship there, maybe it hadn't blossomed or taken hold yet, but she saw how the young woman had looked at him. She quickly blinked away the sudden tears in her eyes- Remus wouldn't appreciate what he'd see as pity coming from her. It wasn't pity, of course, the way her heart ached. It was merely sadness, sadness for the kind man in front of her who deserved a happy life filled with friends and love.
Remus cleared his throat, pushing them both past the slightly awkward moment. "Today does make me think of James and Sirius of course, especially with Harry's Animagus form…but no, they're not who I'm thinking of right now. Today is actually making me nostalgic for…well, for myself I suppose. Did you know that I went through the steps to become an Animagus when I was a little younger than you are now?"
Hermione blinked at him in confusion. "Remus…I…how would that be possible? The mandrake leaf has to be kept in your mouth from full moon to full moon. It has to bathe in moonlight when you take it out. If you don't get the timing exactly right, it won't work. How could you manage that with your…"
She trailed off, and he picked up seamlessly "furry little problem, you mean? No, it really shouldn't have been possible. The precise timing was quite an obstacle, one that most people wouldn't be willing to overcome." he chuckled, smiling fondly. "And truthfully, I had no interest- every werewolf I've ever spoken to has completely scorned this type of magic, the idea of willingly turning into an animal outside of the full moon when we don't have a choice is quite repugnant. I truly never would have considered it, but then y…a close friend insisted."
"Insisted?" asked Hermione, an eyebrow raised.
"Mmmhmm. I couldn't tell you why it was so important to her, but…it was important to her. And she was important to me. So I did it. Or, well, I started to at least. She had to leave rather…abruptly, and never had the chance to tell me where she'd stashed the maturing potion while she waited on an electrical storm."
"That doesn't explain how you managed the mandrake leaf during two full moons." Hermioned replied quizzically.
Remus chuckled darkly, a slight blush warming his cheeks. He rubbed the back of his head with a hand. "It was…Hermione, it was quite dangerous. I'm ashamed, looking back, that I went along with it. If I could go back in time and stop it before it happened, I would have. But time…time isn't fluid like that. She was an animagus, too, so she was slightly protected at least."
Hermione's eyebrows raised up towards her hairline- she wasn't expecting that. A mystery friend, a woman, one she had apparently never heard of, who was also a young unregistered animagus- it didn't make sense. How had she never heard any of this before?
"She promised me she had a plan, that she would be perfectly safe, and asked me to trust her. And like a bleeding idiot, I did trust her. I was naive. I didn't want to comprehend what a danger I was. And I wanted to make her happy. She was there with me that full moon, as well as Padfoot, Prongs, and Wormtail. They were all in their Animagus forms. The moon rose, and I changed…and she…idiotic Gryffindor that she was, transformed too. Back into a human."
Hermione's hand raised to cover her mouth, which had dropped open in shock.
"I lunged at her, mouth snarling open- I don't remember any of this, mind you, but the boys filled me in- and when I was a meter or so away from ruining her life with a werewolf bite, she shot the mandrake leaf right into my gaping maw, adhering it with a well placed sticking charm. She then immediately shrunk back down into her Animagus form and scurried up a tree before I could nab her. Padfoot and James had to restrain me, I was raving at having lost my prey. I was furious, the danger she put herself in, that I put her in when I found out the next day, but stubborn girl that she was insisted that I'd keep the leaf in my mouth for the next month and let her sort out removing it the next full moon, otherwise it would have been for nothing. And so I did."
Hermione continued to stare at him, looking for a hint of mirth that would tell her he was pulling her leg. No such look came. Finally, she found her voice.
"But…but it had been for nothing, hadn't it? You told me you never completed the process, never took the potion. So all that effort was…wasted."
Hermione was interested to note that his blush returned, a little deeper than it had been before.
"Well," he said hesitantly, "It's not…necessarily been for nothing. You said before that you weren't sure if the potion has a shelf life…it doesn't, as long as it remains undisturbed. If that potion ever finds its way to me, I'll take it. I'll finish what we started."
Hermione shook her head, "But Remus, no, that wouldn't work- you need to do the incantation every morning and every night while you wait to take the potion. If you miss even once, it's all for naught. It's such a finicky process."
"No, I…Hermione…I have. Done the incantation, I mean. Every night. Every morning. I haven't missed it."
He looked mortified, admitting to her that he had kept this up for 20 years on the off chance he'd have the opportunity to finish the process. He didn't meet her eyes, and his cheeks were still stained red.
She stared at him, not hiding her shock. "She…she must have been. Quite special."
He didn't respond, and after more silence, it clicked "Remus," she breathed, "You loved her. You still do. Why else keep up a ritual like this, with an end result you don't even want, for two decades?"
She didn't wait for him to answer, her question purely rhetorical.
"But Remus…you said…you said she left abruptly. Is she still alive? Can you find her? If she's out there…you deserve someone who cares. Someone who loves you. And she clearly does, based on the absolutely absurd tale you just told me."
Remus shut his eyes and groaned lightly, clearly wondering how he managed to get himself into this conversation. "Hermione, it's…it's not that simple. She's still alive. I'm quite certain I'll see her again…but, any feelings she had for me, any intimacy we shared…well, it was a long time ago. I was much younger, much more handsome, and much less scarred. I still had the hope of a happy and successful future. I'd have nothing to offer her now, I'm quite sure I'll be too different from the person she knew for anything like that. But…that would be alright. As long as I could see her, as long as we could be friends. Just to have her in my life, have her near me. That would be enough."
He hadn't been looking at her through his impassioned speech, and he fell silent, clearly surprised at how much he had shared. He was a bit startled when Hermione snorted.
"Remus, you are a bloody catch. You're kind and brave, and exceptionally handsome. You're intelligent and well read. You're a war hero. You're the most selfless man I've ever known. And your scars just make you look dashing. Any witch would be incredibly lucky to be with you. Of course, time has passed, and feelings change- people too. But if she waltzes back into your life, promise me you'll at least give her a chance to love you before you close yourself off to that. You deserve happiness."
Remus looked exceptionally uncomfortable, and had nothing to say to that. Finally, to break the silence, he changed the subject.
"McGonagall asked me to tell you she needs to see you today up at the castle. She, er, she didn't tell me why."
Hermione rolled her eyes, and grinned at her once-professor, now friend. "Thank you Remus. I'll head there now."
She gave him a quick hug and a chaste peck on his scarred cheek before he had quite realized what happened, jogged over to Harry and Ron to give them the same treatment, and then with a quiet pop, she was gone- likely apparated right outside the gates of Hogwarts.
Remus stared at the spot she had disappeared from, forgetting to breathe, and hardly believing that he had just seen her for the last time before….everything happened. And everything changed.
He had waited nearly 20 years for this moment, and suddenly, he wasn't sure if he had the courage to see it through.
So ends chapter 1! I hope you all enjoyed it. Let me know what you thought!
