A/N i do not own the Roast of Gloria Steinem, I ripped that off from Bojack too, but that does go with the theme of the fic. L'Appel du vide means 'the call of the void' in French, so, the more you know! Yeah, that's right son, we're getting education in this fan fiction now. (for one time and one time only)
Chapter 3: L'Appel du vide
Watching a roast of Gloria Steinem was perhaps the most boring thing he'd ever done. All the shots were too cheap, too easy, and didn't even inspire a twitch of his lips. He pretended to laugh, sure, but it took so much energy and made his chest ache. Curse Beyond for his prized tickets, and curse him even further by dragging him along on this fruitless excursion.
The food wasn't even good. Light picked moodily at his potatoes, thinking they looked more like dried cement than anything else.
Ryuk, being the tasteless buffoon that he was, was of course chortling along so horribly that water was coming out of his nose every sip he took. He was just a wise-ass misogynist who thought Family Guy was funny, so Light could see why he'd be content to laugh himself to death. Ryuk didn't realize that offensive humor was only humorous if overlaid with satire. Cheap, damaging words only made his head ache and his throat itch.
"Aw, man, someday you'll have to throw me a roast Light-o." Ryuk wheezed, L patted him on the back, looking more sorry for himself than anything. Light shared a look of misery with the other, rolling his eyes as Ryuk continued to pump out choking giggles.
"Only famous people get roasts, Ryuk." Light reminded him. "You'd have to do something 'roast' worthy." he made lazy air-quotes, hand too coordinated to hit his own glass of water. "Right now every joke I could make would be too easy, and a little sad."
"Hey now, you can't roast what's already been burnt to a crisp." Ryuk winked, and that inspired nothing inside of Light.
"Uh huh."
"And anyway, I am working. I always have some sort of project I'm working on."
"Like what? Trying to get yourself out of bed before noon?"
"Um, no! I'm working on my artistry." Ryuk spread his inked arms out lazily, as if that was supposed to impress anyone.
"Goodness, you sure are making your own way in the world. Never mind my concerns then." Light dabbed his lips with the napkin even though they were dry, bobbing his head, and Ryuk had the nerve to sit back with a smug smile etched onto his features. More often than not, Light's insults were taken as sarcastic and just another show of his great wit, which was fine by him because that gave him more freedom to speak freely.
He jerked his head, standing up and beckoning L to come join him in the bathroom, and L fiercely threw his napkin onto his own untouched plate, more than happy to be given an excuse to escape.
Light was horrified to hear Beyond chatting Ryuk up in the background, asking what his prices were, and he continued walking with his head held high and his shoulder's squared neatly.
"Give me a reason to escape. Please." Light all but begs as he barges into the (thankfully empty) bathroom which is much too nice to be a bathroom, but oh well, at least it's not a dingy shithole for rats. And...why is the soap seashell shaped?
"You're the man. I think you could think of a reasonable explanation for your escape all on your own." L snorts with some amusement, looking into the mirror to mess up his own hair even though it looks perfectly messy like it always does. Light disagrees, the cool white lights blinding his eyes until he sees splotches.
"Just say that you have a stomachache. Beyond will see right through me if I try to skitter away."
"And you care about his opinion?"
"No, God no. Eh...not really. It's more like I'll never hear the end of it, and that would be annoying."
"Oh. I get what you mean then. Beyond is particularly an insufferable little shit when he doesn't get his way."
"He always gets his way." Light sighs moodily. "Oh my God, if he does end up getting a tattoo from Ryuk, I will lose it. I'll disown him." Light wouldn't be able to stomach that eyesore every day, unless Beyond got it somewhere hidden.
"Would it be all that bad though?" L asks, blowing onto his glasses and creating a small mist, Light watches with thinly veiled interest because his own reflection has now become quite boring.
"Um, have you seen Ryuk's tattoos? All of the ones he has he's done himself, you know."
"I'm not saying they're good." L argues. "Well, beauty is in the eye of the beholder and art is the same way I suppose. But it would get him off of your back if he found some steady work."
"Oh, right. Well yeah, I'd like nothing more than for Ryuk to actually contribute to society and to give me my guest room back, but I doubt that'll ever happen. Ryuk doesn't want a job, he wants easy money and to piss people off with is existence, and that's free."
"Why did you let Ryuk live with you in the first place then? Since you seemingly hate him."
"I don't hate him. Hate is too strong of a word." Light says, washing his hands for the umpteenth time because even though he really does need to, he feels germs slithering all over and attempting to burrow under his skin to infect him. It smells like roses and bleach in here. Like one of Misa's perfumes. "He's annoying, he annoys me, but I don't hate him. I don't really hate anyone. I don't have the time."
"You just coolly dislike people. I know that. But you didn't answer my question."
"Which was?"
"Why provide someone who only annoys you house and home? Is he related to you in some way?"
Light couldn't help but shudder. Perish the thought! "No. No, he just showed up one day after one of my house parties and hasn't left since."
"So he's like an infestation of rats you don't have the time or energy to call an exterminator for?"
"Pretty much." Light flash a smile at what he thought was a joke, but it dropped as he saw L fixing him with one of his 'looks'. Oh bother. "What?"
"I don't think that's entirely the truth."
"No, it is. I wish he'd go away. I'd love for nothing more than to be left alone."
"Then kick him out." L raised an eyebrow while Light cringed. No, he couldn't do that.
"I couldn't do that. Not unless there was a justifiable reason."
"You don't like him. There, that's a perfectly fine reason to not want to live with someone anymore. And it's your house which you bought with your own money. Another perfectly good reason."
"Yeah, but...he'd have nowhere else to go. I mean, he'd probably tweet about how I was a rude asshole who'd unceremoniously doomed him to homelessness, and then I'd be in a scandal which could have been easily avoided."
"Sure, but you know that's an excuse."
"It's not though."
"I think that maybe you like him. I think you like having someone live with you."
"Oh, L." Light couldn't help but snicker, his hands dangling under the blow-dryer so he wouldn't have to hear anymore baseless and ridiculous insinuations. "All Ryuk does is cause me heartache and turmoil. He smells, is rude and inconsiderate, is always leaving his messes lying around, and the most intelligent thing he's ever said is that he thinks all of the politicians of the world are secretly reptiles. And I only agree with that because most of them are too hopeless to even know how to properly moisturize, so they're stuck with dry, scaly skin."
L hmphed in an unimpressed way as the harsh whoosh of air faded into the background, leaving light to uncomfortably pick at his cuticles. What was with the third-degree anyway? Oh, right, every conversation with L was more or less and interrogation. For the book. Obviously. He wouldn't let anyone else make him this doubtful about things he knew to be true. L was a writer, and always had to look between the lines, even if there was nothing but white blankness for the eyes to study. Light could appreciate that, until it was turned onto him. Then it was just bothersome.
"Why don't you help him try and get his name out there then? I'm sure with your help he could start making money in no time at all, and then he'd be out of your hair and out of your life."
"Yeah, like I have time for that." Light scoffed, pushing the door open a little too harshly as he walked back to the table of cretins he was forced to sit at. Even if Light gave Ryuk half of his wealth anyway, he'd probably squalor it all away in the blink of an eye. Ryuk was shit with money. No, Light had resigned himself to the fact that Ryuk was probably going to live with him all of his life, and he tried not to feel too poorly about that. It could be worse. At least Ryuk wasn't a girlfriend who begged him for sex and nagged at him to clean his pool. At least sometimes he'd go and get carryout for Light when he asked. And at least he always kept the pop tarts well stacked. There were worst people to live with.
"Light night!" Speaking of said worst people, Beyond suddenly waved him back over. "Did you know Ryuk is making a documentary?"
What? "About what? The secret life of a couch potato?" But his joke fell flat, because apparently it wasn't a joke at all. Ryuk shook his head, his irises bobbing in excitement, and Light felt himself wilt like an old flower. Oh great. He hoped it wasn't anything offensive. "About what then?"
"The secret lives of celebrities." Ryuk does lazy jazz hands, looking at Light expectantly. "It's about our friendship!"
No.
Oh, hell no.
"You've been recording me without my consent?" Light tries not to demand, but it comes out as a rasp, so he figures the only remedy of his speechless malady is to drink some of the flat champagne. God, you'd think a place as nice as this would have decent alcohol.
"No." Ryuk rolls his eyes, as if Light's being dramatic. "No, it's just sometimes you end up in the background."
"So, you're like a paparazzi?"
"Sure, if that makes you more comfortable."
It doesn't. "I don't want you putting that on the internet, come on, I haven't approved this footage."
"Oh, you'll like it, I made sure to get all of your good angles." Now it's Light's turn to roll his eyes.
"That's not the point, it's-" How can no one see that he is justified in his anger? Shouldn't he be mad? Oh, how to put this most delicately. "You've caught me off guard, Ryuk. I have no idea the things I've done or said these past few hours, never mind how many weeks you've been putting this scheme together."
"Scheme? Why do you have to make everything I do so nefarious?"
"The point is, is that it's inappropriate."
"Don't worry, I never caught you saying any slurs-"
"I don't say slurs-"
"I never caught you doing drugs or feeling up your assistant either." Ryuk finishes with a cheeky grin, and now it's Beyond's turn to give him a 'look'. L, strangely, seems to be more interested in the roast, even though it's most dull. So he's being willfully ignorant? That only seats Light further upon the edge. He might as well be drowning in this tasteless champagne.
"It's not like I'm doing anything wrong. But I was never camera ready, and that makes me uncomfortable-"
"You can't live your whole life for the cameras Light." Beyond interjects, and Light decides that it's his turn to send Beyond a look of his own.
"You know who I am, right?"
"Bigfoot?"
"No, God! I don't want candid footage of myself splattered God knows where. How is that an inappropriate reaction?"
"Relax into your chair sweetums, go on, before I have to come over and give you one of my prized massages." Beyond threatens sweetly, and Light knows that he is mad enough to do exactly that, so he settles back with a disgruntled huff. He still feels like he's choking, even though he hasn't eaten anything. Ryuk alone has brought this dreadful anxiety upon him. Light doesn't know exactly how to feel about that.
"Yeah Light-o, I'll let you approve it or whatever before I send it off."
"Send it off? To whom?"
"Well, I was talking to Beyond and-" Oh great. So, it's his fault for leaving those two fuckwits alone to go to the bathroom? Why does he constantly have to oversee everyone to make sure they won't sabotage his life whenever the opportunity strikes? "he told me he knows some people who could turn it into an actual program."
"'The Lives of Celebrities and Their Friends', that's what we'll call it." Light narrows his eyes as Beyond's glaze over, probably imagining how many dollar signs he can rake in from Light's misery. Hell. No. He's putting his foot firmly on the breaks now.
"I'm not doing this." Light says firmly, because they'll have the little problem of continuing on without his consent if they do decide to do this, and they won't be able to get anything done without his say so. He knows this, so his muscles do relax. "Reality shows are for talentless, sad, money-grabbing morons. It'd be perfect for you, Ryuk. But not for me."
"Light, come on, don't be ridiculous." Beyond commands, as Ryuk's shoulders fall upon seeing the flaming wreckage of his latest 'brilliant project' which Light has shown a bright spotlight onto. But, really, how did he not smell the smoldering ruins before now? "It'd be good for you."
"Good for me? In what way? I think a lobotomy would be more beneficial than whatever this is."
"It'd be good for publicity for the upcoming book. The only headlines you make now are about which celebrity you're rumored to be dating." Beyond argues. "L, back me up on this."
L quickly adopts the expression of some unfortunate sod who's just stepped in dog excrement, his bread roll halfway to his open mouth. "That depends on what type of exposure he's looking for. If it's just going to make him look like a fool-"
"It's not!" Ryuk exclaims, as if that's supposed to soothe him. "And maybe it'll help me break into the industry. At the very least it'd give me some money to finally move out of your place. And isn't that what you want?"
Light quickly starts formulating his counter argument, but the breaks inside of his mind suddenly flip on as he watches L give him another one of his 'looks'. One that Light can very plainly decipher.
….Oh dammit. So, is this some kind of blackmail now? Because if he continues to hold his stance firmly, L will surely have something to say about it, and he'll think that he was right all along. And not that he always has to be right, but Light has never known himself to be wrong.
So, I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't, huh?
But he does really want Ryuk to move out. He does!
"Maybe." But now it sounds like he's conceding defeat, so he glares at everyone at the table, not able to decide whom he's most angry at. "Let me see this so called 'footage' first, and then we'll talk."
"Sooooo..." Ryuk drawls, flickering on the lights and pausing the video, like they're in a theater at some showing. "What do you think?"
What did I think?
What did Light think?
Well, Ryuk hadn't been lying when he'd said he'd captured all of Light's good angles. And, if he was being honest, nothing he had said or done was particularly damning. No, if he was being fair, it was actually filmed somewhat professionally...in a 'vlogging' sort of sense...
But, no, he still didn't like it. He didn't know why. It just rubbed him the wrong way. It made him want to pull out his insides and then shove them under his bed. It made him want to turn the lights off and think about nothing for hours upon hours. It made him feel like something he wasn't, something he couldn't name, but he didn't appreciate it at all.
"I thought the use of sepia filters was quite subtle." L commented, most uselessly, looking bored out of his skull. "Yeah, it's a video all right. And Light appeared just as gorgeous as ever. You'd probably be able to get a few seasons out of it."
"Really?" Ryuk's eyes practically bulged out of his skull as Light silently cursed L for his encouragement.
"Well, hold on," he said carefully. "In that one clip I still had acne cream on. And I didn't like the way I said 'hello' at the beginning, it seemed too...sour."
"Oh my God, okay, we can edit those things out." Ryuk levelled him with a stink eye. "Any actual criticism you want to give me?"
L rewarded him with a light kick to the shin, humming and looking down at some open book he had pulled from his bookcase, because apparently half-way through it had gotten too 'boring' for him, and Light swallowed his tongue.
But, no, Light didn't like it. And wasn't that all he had to say? Why didn't his feelings matter at all? He didn't want to be a part of some dumb reality show, he didn't want his pristine name tarnished in such a manner.
I can't say anything though, because not only will Ryuk get pissed off, so will L, and he'll think that I was lying to him again. But I'm not! Really, I could care less if this is Ryuk's 'big break', but why can't he leave me out of it?
"I think it's brilliant." Beyond offered his two cents, his eyes shining with dollar signs as he thought of how many more he could make. His opinion was immediately invalidated, because he'd think a circus made up of beetles was a good idea so long as he could capitalize off of it. "It will give the public an intimate insight into your everyday life. And that's what everyone wants, to feel as if they know their favorite little star just that bit better."
But I don't want anyone knowing me like that.
It was intimate. Far too intimate for his liking. Light was supposed to be the golden statue seated atop a high pedestal, he was supposed to be worshipped and praised with voice far below him. They were supposed to see something that wasn't really there, with the help of rose-tinted glasses. Light couldn't let every well-laid illusion he'd so carefully crafted fall to shreds around his feet. No, Light couldn't be seen as, God forbid, an actual person with a real life containing very real flaws. What if he was made out to be some boring no-name? If the people got that coveted look, what if that took his mysteriousness and charm away? Then he'd just be like everyone else.
….They might see that there actually was nothing special about him at all.
It was just plain stupid. He could see nothing good coming from this hair-brained scheme, except for maybe Ryuk moving out, and even then...it wasn't like he...
Well, dammit, there were easier ways to get Ryuk to move out!
Like L had said, he could do anything he wanted. And it wasn't as if Light didn't have a billion and two excuses to get Ryuk out of his hair, he had begun thinking of ways to get rid of the nuisance ever since he had first became an eyesore. That wasn't the point.
But, with everyone's eyes sparkling and shining and drilling mercilessly into him, he felt as if there was really only one answer he could let slip past his lips.
"Alright, fine. If I help you with this, then you can release it, I suppose."
Ryuk immediately clapped him on the back, and Light would have flinched if Ryuk's manic stretched out lips hadn't been disturbing him more, really, why did everyone think they had a right to so carelessly touch him? Did he need to tape a caution sign onto his back or something?
Whatever. This is fine. This is fine. It's not like there's nothing I can't do about it. I can clean up any mess I want to.
This wasn't over. Not until the fat lady sang, and every woman in Hollywood weighed two pounds.
Light was awfully good at designing plans.
This wasn't very well known about Light (because, why should it be? The only things known about his person were the things he let slip behind his mask. His acting abilities were heralded and that's really the only thing people needed to see him for) Light, well, Light was an excellent hacker. He had been ever since he had hit the ripe old age of ten, and by that time, he had already had a career lined up so going into networking seemed rather pointless and unfulfilling. It was a nice hobby to pass the time, to edit his Wikipedia page and to delete paparazzi pictures that he hated, but he knew this was on secret he was going to keep deftly clutched inside of his capable hands.
So Ryuk was sleeping, but Light was as quiet as a mouse, tiptoeing into the guest room he didn't need to ask permission to be allowed inside of, his socked feet making nary a sound on top of off-white carpet, biting his lip and considering if what he's doing is wrong but not seriously contemplating stopping.
He tried to say no, but did anyone listen to him? No, of course not, no one ever does. He has to take matters into his own hands, like always. It's so exhausting trying to uphold his own standards when others are constantly trying to tear them down.
And of course Ryuk's password was zombieseatapples69 after that dumb screenplay he had written, of course it was. And it was a good thing that his storage was already full, so all Light had to do was press a few tiny buttons so the entire machine would reboot. It would be an accident. Never to be traced back to him. Ryuk would buy it, and no one would ever know.
Well, L might...
No, all he'd have was suspicions. And he couldn't damn him on those alone.
The tiny rainbow circle flickered and spun, until the screen went dark and a blank white screen greeting him hello and he sighed, clicking it off and standing back.
There was a flash drive, but he replaced it with a Juul. Really, this was all too easy, so he couldn't feel too poorly about it. Ryuk, the moron, would believe he hadn't of even had a flash drive in the first place. And Light was being so generous that he had gotten him a fresh one, one that was mango flavored, and they didn't even sell those anymore. Ryuk would be properly sated with his nicotine and maybe light would even buy him some new strain of weed as a consolation prize.
So, really, no damage had been done. Only Light would know, and that didn't bother him much. Ryuk would get over it quickly, he never had much passion for his projects anyway. All they were, were fleeting ideas he latched onto until he inevitably lost interest.
Light slept quite soundly that night, sleeping on the cold side of his pillow and letting ocean noises from his sound machine drag him down to darkened waters below.
"It was a drunk driving accident. No one's fault but the driver, who died upon collision, so there was justice, I suppose. He paid the price with his life. Would I have liked to have seen him prosecuted? Of course, but I know he would have been sentenced twenty-five years. At worst, life, and that wouldn't have been good enough for me. Letting someone flounce away, being able to live out the rest of their life while my mother's had been stolen...she didn't get the chance, so it was right that he didn't either. It was divine retribution. I don't think much about it anymore."
"Justice." L repeated softly. "Death is the ultimate justice?"
"Paying for your crimes in death is the highest form of it that exists. You shouldn't be able to keep breathing air and living your life after destroying others. He didn't just kill her, he killed my father, Sayu, in a different way but all of our lives were still shaken."
"And yours."
"And mine, yes."
"It poetic, in a sense. One life is given for the one taken away."
"Evil people shouldn't be allowed to live." Light finished in a gust of smoke. "Making the decision to drive while inebriated was evil, because there was no other possible outcome that could have taken place. Even schoolchildren know that, and he's a moron for not. A selfish, heartless moron who I hope never rests in peace."
"I doubt he will. Evil people usually can never find one ounce of solace, especially if damned to spend the rest of eternity swamped inside of their own despicable souls without the chance of retribution." L finished with a lazy smile, and that made Light want to smile. He couldn't stop staring, and he recognized that he couldn't, but he also couldn't find it in himself to care.
"This just fucking bites!" Ryuk complained again, throwing the blunt into the ashtray angrily. L looked so forlorn that he hadn't been offered the end of it that Light almost felt sorry for him for a moment. "I hate fucking computers. I wish they'd all burn in hell. Fucking Steve Jobs, a Mac is supposed to be superior to a piece of shit Dell!"
Light resisted the urge to sigh for the umpteenth time that day, busying himself with lighting another cigarette as the butts of old ones lay haphazardly on his thighs, all burnt out. And it wasn't exactly like he could tell Ryuk to shut up, that was quite unnecessary and would look callous and heartless. But, really, couldn't he just move on already? Light had.
"You could always start over." L suggested through a pencil resting between his lips, even though he was typing out words on his laptop. Light didn't understand that, he seemed to be making notes on a blank notepad next to him but...why write out the words when he could just type them out? Did he have an oral fixation of some sort? "Take those revisions Light already had given you and work through them?"
"Nah, that's too much work." Ryuk deflated, just as Light knew he would. "Alright, I'm gonna go inside and smoke some more. Have fun writing your dumb book."
"Why not just continue to smoke outside?" Light asked, but Ryuk was already standing up and walking away. "I've told you I hate it when you smoke indoors!"
He was rewarded with the click of a lock. Moron.
"Ryuk seems pretty upset." L said after they were left alone, and it took a minute for the words to register, as well as the way L's eyes seemed to be burning little holes into his forehead. Light chewed on the filter, letting smoke seep through his teeth. It was okay, he had whitening stripes.
"Huh? Oh, I guess. I told him he needed to clean out his storage." Light didn't like the way L was looking at him as if he knew something, speaking plainly the accusations he wanted to throw at him even though his lips were clamped shut, so Light decided to look upwards towards the blistering afternoon sun. It was getting warmer.
"Yes, well, it's awfully strange that a computer would reboot automatically."
"Ryuk must've accidentally set it up wrong."
"...I suppose." L finally relented, moodily, though Light could still feel the burn of his gaze on the side of his neck. But at least he wouldn't push it. At least he could see past the layers and understand what they hid, and why they were so thick in the first place. "This must be terrible for you then. Now it'll probably take him longer to move out."
"I doubt he was even going to in the first place. Ryuk wouldn't know how to survive without himself."
"He's a grown man."
"Is he? He seems more like a teenager just released from juvenile hall."
"But he's capable of running his own life. Even if he runs it into the grave."
"You think I'm an idiot for letting him live with me." Light finished what L couldn't, or wouldn't say, and L just looked down at the unlit cigarette in his fingers that he had stolen from his pack.
"No. Not an idiot. I just think you have a fondness for him that you're not letting on."
"And that matters to you?" Light laughed, but the wispy air got caught and rubbed uncomfortably against his straining vocal cords.
"No, I guess it's just curious how you seem to like to pretend that you don't care about anyone. And don't look at me like that, please."
"I care about people. I just don't shout my affections down off of rooftops like so many morons seem to do."
"So, your love language is more finely hidden?"
"...Sure, yeah, let's go with that." Finely hidden? Oh, give me a break. Light didn't love Ryuk for God's sakes, he was looking out for him out of the goodness of his own heart. There was a massive difference that L was missing. And what relevance did this have to the book anyway?
"Huh."
"What?" Light demanded, turning back to look at L, who was now gnawing on the head of his eraser in a distasteful way. Really, he could get lead poisoning or something of the sort. Eating erasers was just insanitary. Though he supposed he was right about L having an oral fixation. He was reconfiguring L's own mask, slowly, piece by piece. He tried not to be too proud of that fact.
"Nothing. I'm just trying to figure you out." L flashed him a smile, his teeth glinting under the sun, making it appear as if there were fine diamonds sewn into the white bone. "There's always something more to figure out with you. You have...layers. Like an onion. It fascinates me."
"I'm not an onion." Light sniffed, biting down on his smile so as not to let L know how pleased he was that he had met someone who could finally understand him.
