"You know she wouldn't want you to be perfect, she would just want you to be you"
He was brought out of his thoughts but couldn't even muster a smile, grief was a turbulent thing, full of different emotions that no one should experience. Shaking his head softly he continued fiddling with his tie to make sure it was perfect. Peering at the mirror he saw Mo leaning against the doorframe causing him to sigh in annoyance and give up, proceeding to pick up the coffee that was placed on the side as a well-needed distraction to his frustrations.
"Come here, let me help" she rolls her eyes sorting his tie out perfectly for him, he just sighs and turns to the mirror again "Jonny's going to drop Emma off soon"
"Is he staying?"
"No he's got to work, it was too soon to get time off" Mo explains and Fletch nods biting his lip and sighing at his attire "It'll be ok Fletch, you did everything you could for her and you gave her comfort in those last moments, she would be thankful for that"
"She said that I made the fear of dying that bit better, but the fear for me carrying on without her..." he wells up and Mo brings him in for a hug "We didn't even have a chance, how is it fair?"
"I dont know, it's not fair... it's not" Mo says quietly and Fletch just breathes out trying to compose himself
"It's not fair...it's just not fair"
-CS-
The gentle flicker of the candles was startling, the realisation set in more so that she wasn't here. Somehow Fletch found himself glued to Mo and Emma, the way he could somehow absorb comfort from being around the only part of Jac that was left in this world. Luckily they gave enough time for people to come from wherever for this, their expressions resembling grief they didn't even think they had. He felt Emma slip her hand into his and he bent down to her level and she threw her arms around his neck so he lifted her into his arms, he knew it would be traumatic for her with all these people here and her understanding wasnt as deep as theirs.
"I'll tell you what why dont we go and get you a cake?" Fletch suggests running his hand up and down Emma's back to give her some comfort
"I can take her if you want to stay?" Mo offers and Fletch just shakes his head, he couldn't really tolerate it either and needed a break, somehow Mo understood this
"Come on let's go and see what we can find," he says gently as they leave the chapel, he places Emma on the floor and they walk towards Pulses, they bump into Zosia and Ollie
"What are you two doing here?" Fletch knew it was a dumb question, it was obvious why they were here but he was surprised they travelled all this way
"To pay our respects, I just can't believe...mere months ago, she was here barking orders at everyone"
"It all happened so quickly, I still can't get my head around the fact that she's..." Fletch runs a hand over his face mindful of what he said in front of Emma "Maybe we could have a catch-up later? Sacha's organised a drink at Albie's for after but I'm not sure if I'll go"
"Well maybe we'll see you there" Zosia responds weakly, Fletch nods and looks down at Emma who was looking down at the floor, he goes to pick her up again
"Let's go and get you that cake I promised you" Fletch smiles at Emma who just nods as they walk past them both, he places her on the ground again and takes her hand
-CS-
"There you are!"
Fletch smiles up at Sacha briefly before looking back at Emma who had a piece of paper gripped in her hands, it was obvious the both of them had been crying. Sacha smiled sympathetically and sat on the edge of the desk beside Emma who was sitting crossed-legged on the top of it, her eyes scanning the paper trying to make sense of everything much like they were. It all just seemed way too raw right now.
"What's that you have?" Sacha asks looking at the paper Emma had in her hands, he tries to prise it from her fingers but it was glued to them "Ah a letter from mummy"
"I miss her" Emma sniffles, a tear dropping onto the paper causing Fletch to rub his hands over his face wondering if he had done the right thing "I love her"
"Your mummy loves you so, so much" Fletch whispers and Emma just bursts into tears "We all love her so much Emma, she will always love you"
"Why did she have to leave then?" the child's tears were cutting him up, he tried to compose himself but even his strength was being diminished by the power of the one thing he loved in this world and that was Jac
"Mummy wasn't very well" the tears were uncontrollable at this point it was hard for a child to understand how this could happen, Fletch felt his breath being taken away by how distraught Emma was
"Then why couldn't you save her!" Emma's tears were pouring from her eyes and Fletch felt immediately bad for his honesty, he wished some things were different, this was one of them. It sunk in at how it may have seemed to Emma; why could her mummy save people but no one could save her? That must hurt her so much, that is what was unbearable
"I can't do this" Fletch breathes out, he just had to get out of there, he couldn't bear it anymore
-CS-
Every night that passed the stars twinkled brightly in the sky, there was always one that seemed brighter and he liked to think Jac was looking down on him, watching him and trying to heal the rift of her being missing from this world. He liked to imagine, cynically, how she was probably around them, barking orders they couldn't hear, looking out for Emma hidden from her daughter's eyes. The way she made a difference in the world would always be there, she changed people's lives for the better but no one could change hers for the better to make her live for longer, it hurt.
"I've been trying to find you"
"What are you doing here?" Fletch's eyes widen taking the coffee that was outstretched towards him, he shakes his head and looks up to the stars again, that one burning so bright allowing him to feel some sort of comfort from it
"You know I'm not one for goodbyes but this one's a bit different dont you think?"
"Always the emotional type eh, Frieda" Fletch couldnt help but smirk and Frieda just smirks back at him "Sometimes you know, I know it's been a few days since...but she's still here you know, she is still here"
"She's in people's hearts as well" Frieda counters, Fletch just sighs and looks to the stars "How long did she keep it to herself?"
"People knew, maybe if we acted sooner then she would have still been here, I didnt find out from her, she kept her terminal diagnosis hidden though, that hurt when we found out but it was just too late"
"She didnt tell you personally? I thought you would have been the first to know" Frieda hums and swings her legs off the edge of the hospital roof
"I know why she didnt tell me face to face, her mind was set on finding a cure and..." he shakes his head, Frieda places a hand on his shoulder "She found that cure but it was too late, all of it was too late so maybe if she found it sooner than she would still be here, if things were different then she would still be here"
"Jac doesn't really deal in maybes though"
"She wrote Emma this letter" he starts and Frieda smiles slightly at him changing the topic knowing he was struggling "It was so gut-wrenching, painful and just, she sobbed, it was uncontrollable and it went right through me. I just couldn't watch her do that because she's a part of Jac and...she's always going to have that pain of not seeing her mother again, the little memories of her as well"
"Grief works in mysterious ways"
"You haven't changed a bit have you?" he couldnt help but laugh, Frieda just shrugs slightly before sighing
"She loved you..." Frieda smiles and Fletch rubs his hands over his face, the bitter air of the night stinging his skin
"Even though she never said it, never breathed a word I know she did, it was like we were meant to be but then something always gets in the way, it always does and I'd kill for another chance to have her still here, breathing, alive and throwing insults at me, I'd kill for that so much"
"Those little Jac-like things, that's something no one could ever forget no matter how much time sometimes makes you forget some things you'll never forget them, most people still have the scars"
"All heart arent you?" Fletch quips and Frieda laughs slightly before looking back at the stairs as the door opens "It's creating those wounds to form into the scars is what I'll miss"
"She's still everywhere you go though, in your heart, you just have to keep going because that's what she would want you to do"
"I don't think that pain will ever leave me"
"Let me guess you hear her voice when you close your eyes at night"
"Try not to sound so Frieda when you say that" Fletch states with a raised eyebrow, he couldnt help but let out a little laugh at her words
"You'll be fine, Fletch, times a healer"
-CS-
"Where did you get off to?"
Mo asks and Fletch just gulps standing beside Frieda, she bites her lip and walks off to speak to her ex-colleagues after a gentle pat on the shoulder, it was weird how it gave him the strength to be in this room full of people.
"Sacha has Emma, he's up in the consultant's office on Darwin, I needed a breather" he whispers not afraid to admit it, Mo smiles sympathetically at him and he breathes out before walking over to the series of candles that were burning bright, his hand gliding over the leather of the book of condolences and opens it, the tips of his fingers tracing over the ink
"Everyone's put something in here" Elliot stands beside him, Fletch nods slowly and smiles at his hand on his shoulder "It'll be here, always. She made a mark on this place, saved many lives and supported others doing the same thing"
"We couldnt save her though" Fletch turns to look at him, both their expressions mirroring the sadness "Why couldn't we have saved her?"
"She asked me if she did enough, I'm trying to figure out what it meant" Elliot ignores his question unable to even come to a suitable answer or one that he would think would even be worth the pain it would provide "Did it mean, did she do enough to find a cure, did she do enough in her career to save lives, did she live up to the expectations of what she thought people had for her?"
"Don't" Fletch shakes his head, he hated the fact she thought she didn't do enough when she did the most "I miss her so much"
"I miss her tremendously" Elliot responds and Fletch tries to control the tears, his eyes closing and a gentle shake of his head as he tried to process it all
"It was the way she knew it was the end" Fletch shakes his head unable to think about Elliot's words as he flicks through the pages of colleagues' and ex-colleagues writing messages, frowning softly he gulped and shook his head closing the book unable to bear it anymore, it was all-consuming this grief, drowning him and sucking the life out of him and it hurt to never see her face again in the flesh but it pained him to see it in his memories "I miss her so...much, it hurts"
-CS-
Every day would be different, startling and concerning at how much she ruled it from the place of safety she was now in. He hoped he would do her proud, he hoped he would do more than that but proud would suffice. There he was, bare hands resting on the splintering bench they were both sat on days prior before she passed looking at the sky, the startling difference being she wasnt there anymore, and that she was there in spirit, hopefully.
"I know you're here," he says quietly, in a weird sadistic way he liked to imagine she was sitting next to him, her hand on top of his or even resting her head on his shoulder, their fingers linked "You know how much I'm missing you dont ya? Well, I hope you do, I really hope you know how much I mean to you and how much I love you Jac because let me tell you...you mean everything to me, everything and more-"
"Fletch?"
"What are you doing here, I thought you were on the other side of the Atlantic-" he starts running his hands over his face and shivering at the cool breeze "She's gone, Connie, she's..."
"How did..."
"A stroke, she had an ADRT, there was nothing we could do" Fletch breathes out "She knew something was going to happen, she just...knew"
"After everything, she had been through, after all of that pain and suffering and then this"
"I can't process it, I know it's happened but the way it happened" he shakes his head "I remember her just...I was there, my hand on top of hers and she was so peaceful, she was just lying there and she was serene and that was comforting knowing she wasnt in any pain"
"You were there by her side until the end, telling her it would be ok telling her that you loved her"
"It was complicated, we were complicated, I know it sounds typical for me to say that"
"Love is love Fletch" Connie states and Fletch pulls his hand away to wipe his eyes "You can't ignore love like that, the all-consuming type of love"
"So how do I go about living my life without her in it, I feel so empty" he sniffles "And knowing what we could have had if things were different if we did it all differently if she told me...I could have done something, I know I could have"
"Ifs and maybes won't change anything Fletch, mulling on what you could have done differently won't bring her back but you can love her, forever, keep those precious memories of her that you have safe"
"You never answered my question by the way" he chooses to ignore her words, Connie sighs and stands up, she takes his hand and pulls him up off the bench "What are you doing?"
"You and me have something to do"
"I can't go back in there" he shakes his head and breathes out "I can't just...I can't do that"
"Hear me out?" Connie tries and Fletch sighs slightly and nods as they walk back into the hospital
-CS-
The candles were blown out now, but oddly enough one was still lit, illuminating the book of condolences in a dull glow. The way other people had the strength to write in this was startling and made him feel almost inferior for not writing a message to remember Jac by yet. Deep black ink seeped into the paper as the strokes of Connie's words were marked out, she paused swiping two lines to form a kiss on the end, a simple gesture that seemed to cut him deep. When Connie held out the pen to him, he froze, the second to last piece of paper in the book ready for him to write something so he took the pen and frowned slightly, letting out a breath and writing the first thing that seemed to sit with him after sticking up those posters up days before.
"She who saves one life saves the world...and me" he muses over his own spin on the words he heard days prior, she saved him more than she knew she did "Goodnight darlin', love you"
"Sometimes words can say a lot more than you think they can" Connie whispers placing her hand on his shoulder, the door goes and Fletch smiles at Emma running at him so he lifts her up into his arms so she could have a look at the book
"Do you want to write something?" Fletch offers the pen to Emma, she smiles and flicks over to the last page in the book so Fletch grabs her a chair so she could kneel on it to write
"I love you mummy"
It was simple enough, unmistakable, and the way Emma placed the pen in the fold of the book made that pain come back, she hugged him and he held her close to him, she seemed to give him the comfort he needed and he hoped he gave her the comfort she needed as well. He just hoped this grief would be temporary. With one motion, he blew out the candle, he just hoped time was a healer.
