It was supposed to be fun. Rock climbing with Dad, the first time Peter's had his Dad just to himself in a long time. His brother Lars was going out shooting with Mama instead. It was supposed to have been fun, a good memory. That was before the rockslide.
"Dad?"
Peter is sobbing, tears and snot running together and he tightens his hold on Berwald, his short arms not quite making it all the way around him. He wishes Tino was there, he knows that his Mama would know what to do, how to ease the heavy breaths and keep the dulling eyes open, but he's not, and it's just Peter and Berwald, and he doesn't know what to do and Peter is so, so, scared.
Berwald seems to sense this, and despite the ragged wheezing, his father's voice is even and comforting when he speaks.
" 'sokay, Peter. 'M just going to sleep."
Berwald's own comforting words are cut off by his choking on his own breath, and Peter wants to scream and fight to do something, but Peter isn't a kid anymore. He knows that Dad isn't just going to sleep. He knows that if Berwald closes his eyes he'll never see those blue eyes open again.
Peter also knows Dad wants to pretend that's not the case. That's why, though his heart feels like it's fracturing, crumbling away bit by bit, and he's never been more scared, Peter plays along.
"O-okay." The words break and Peter stutters as he attempts to get control of himself, and Berwald rewards him with a slight twitch of his lips, a smile only his family could recognize.
Peter forges on.
"I-I'll sing you a lullaby, D-Dad."
Peter doesn't want the last thing his dad hears to be his crying, and he knows Dad doesn't want that either. So. He sings a song, a song he heard a long time ago, back in a different house, with a different family.
"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine -"
By the time Uncle Lukas find them, by the time Tino arrives, Peter doesn't have any tears left to cry. Uncle Lukas reaches out shaking fingers and pulls down Berwald's eyelids over his empty eyes, and Mama collapses into his arms, sobbing. Peter doesn't want to talk, he doesn't think he can, but even so, he hears his own voice faintly speaking, distantly.
"It's okay, Mama. Dad's just sleeping. He's just sleeping."
Peter wonders why Uncle Lukas looks like he's been shot when he says those words, why Mama's tears get worse.
"I sang him a lullaby." Peter says, or he thinks he says it, but he can't really hear over the ringing in his ears. The last line of his song spins in his head, a taunting of something he can't ever have back.
"Please don't take my sunshine away."
Peter wants to tell Uncle Mattias that he's okay. That he can walk on his own, he's not a little kid anymore, but he can't seem to speak, or even move by himself. Ah, that's right. Peter had forgotten about the broken ankle, the only injury he'd gotten, since Dad had protected him with his body. But that doesn't explain why he cant make his hand move or his mouth speak. Peter feels like he's locked away inside himself, and can't even cling to Uncle Mattias as he's carried down the trail.
Lars is there at the bottom, sitting with Uncle Emil, and both of them looked pale and afraid, and the demands that come spilling out of Lars to see his father, his mother, all stop when he sees Peter. Emil looks scared too, and they both look to Uncle Mattias for answers, but Peter just closes his eyes.
Its his fault. He'd wanted to go rock climbing, and because of that, Dad had come with him, and Dad had gotten hurt protecting him. If Berwald hadnt shielded him, would he still be okay? When he reopens his eyes, Lars is frozen, tears spilling out his eyes even as his face is frozen in indignation and fear, and then he starts shouting, things Peter can't registers, even though he hears everything.
Peter feels worse. It was his fault. He'd come into this family that wasn't even his, stolen Lar's father, and now Peter had killed him. Peter can't look Lars in the face anymore, and this time when he closes his eyes, he doesn't open them. He feels the motion when Uncle Mattias transfers him to Emil's hold, he hears when Mama's best friend Eduard shows up, and he can hear Mama sobbing into his shoulder, sobs muffled by cloth. He hears the hushed whispers of Uncle Lukas and Uncle Mattias, and he hears it when Lars' hoarse shouts from a throat that's gone raw from yelling turn into whispers of denial, then gives way to sobs.
Peter keeps his eyes closed, even when the police try to talk to him, when the EMT's carry him to the ambulance, and even at the hospital. When he finally opens his eyes, it's not his Mama's face that he sees.
Uncle Matthias looks tired and sad, and his eyes are puffy, but he still tries for a smile when he talks to Peter.
"Hey, Peter. Let's go home."
Peter doesn't go home to his house that night, but to Mattias's house. He doesn't go home the next night and either. Instead, Peter stays at the neighbour's with Lars. Lars locks himself in the bedroom and won't come out at all. Peter tries to remember how to move and eat as the neighbour's boy, Ravis, tries to talk to Peter, before finally giving up and retreating to do a puzzle by himself.
On the third day, they go to Dad's funeral.
