Its hard for Peter to accept that its not his fault, even when everyone tells him, from his mama to his cousin Emil, and he knows that his brother Lars and His Mama feel the same way. Its only the knowledge that all of them think it's their fault, and the fact Peter knows it isn't either his brother or his parent's fault, that lets him start to acknowledge the thought it might not be his own, either.
It doesn't make the aching gaping pain inside any easier, or make the nightmares that make him wake up at night, crying for his Papa, go away, or make it any easier to see his Papa's empty place at the table during breakfast. It doesn't make the sound of his brother sobbing himself to sleep every night in the next bedroom any easier , and it doesn't help Peter put the smile back onto his Mama's faded and worn face.
In some ways, Peter thinks it was easier to think it was his fault, to have someone to blame. Because now Peter feels lost. It's easy to fill the hollow caused by sorrow with another emotion, hate or guilt. It's harder to leave it empty, pulsing like a broken heart, and he doesn't know how to fix it. Something in their family broke, and though he's trying to believe its not his fault, a part of him still thinks it is.
His Mama moves and speaks delicately around him, like he's made of glass, and his brother spends a lot of time watching him from across the room, but doesn't come near, like he's scared of what he might say if he speaks to Peter. It's not just them. His Uncles and cousin are also awkward, Uncle Lukas watches him with silent, troubled eyes, uncle Mattais is too bright and loud, trying too hard to compensate for what the family is missing, and Emil looks lost himself, just like Peter.
Theyvre all searching for a reason, trying to pull themselves together, and trying not to break the people around them. It feels like his Papa wasn't the only one who left him. Somehow, the people who he used to know, have changed, becoming different people, and though Peter knows why it doesn't make it any scarier.
He remembers the question Ravis had asked when his Uncle Lukas finally came to take Peter home.
"Peter, you'll come back, right?"
Peter wonders if Ravis meant something more than just that. He wonders if he too, has changed. No, he knows the answer. Everyone treats Peter like he's about to break. Before he used to be treated as strong and brave. Petter the fearless, of not a little reckless. Peter who wasn't scared of anything but being abandoned. And now Peter had learned there was something worse than that.
So Peter tries to go back to who he was before, to act the same. He tries to speak in the way he would have before, to act more cheerfully and less awkward. He can't tell if he's doing it right. When he offers his Mama a bright "Good Morning!" with a tight hug, just like he used to, Tino looks shocked, his face tight. He tries to babble on about things that used to excite him, and Lars interupts with the cruel honesty only a child knows.
"Stop!" His brother snaps the word at him, "Stop acting like you're happy! It's Wierd!"
And Peter falters. What else should he do then?
"Why?"
He has to know what he's doing wrong so he can fix it, so he can seem more natural, and eventually, he'll start feeling that way for real, and things will be better again. Lars gives him a dark and disgusted look.
"Because you're not happy." His brother says simply. "And it's stupid to act like you are."
And Peter's been holding it together so well lately, he doesn't cry, he doesn't act fragile, but something about the way the words are said is breaking him down, and he finds himself sobbing again.
"I know that!" He wails, "But I don't know what to do! I just want to very thing to be normal again! "
But normal is impossible, because "normal" has Berwald in it, and Berwald isn't there and Peter needs his Papa so very desperately.
"Me too!" Lars snapps back, tears tracing down his brother's own face, "But it's not normal, and it's not going to be, and it creepy when you pretend it is!"
There's a familiar footfall behind him, a presence he recognizes behind him, and his Mama pulls him and Lars into his arms, comfortingly. His Mama doesn't say it's okay, or that it will he okay, because it won't. Peter knows that it won't ever be okay again. Instead, his Mama offers comfort Peter didn't know he needed.
"I'm here," Tino says, "I'm here."
And Peter clings to Tino, a lighthouse in the stormy dark see, a comforting ground in the uncertainty in his thinks he feels what his Mama is saying. His Mama is there, right there. They're all scared and sad and hurt, but they're not alone. His Mama is alive and warm and solid under his arms, and His brother is alive and warm and crying, and Peter is alive and warm and there too.
Something isn't there that was there before, but everything isn't missing. They're still a family, just a smaller, more broken one.
Peter realizes that the people they were before might not ever come back, and that the version of them that makes it through might be completely different people.
But they're still alive and together, and all Peter wants in that moment is to make sure what's left of his family stays that way.
"Me too," He mumbles into Tinovs arms, sniffing back his running nose, "I'm here too."
And Lars joins in, and something clicks into place. They're not fix, now where near it, but Peter feels like, even for just a second, they're not falling apart anymore. Just like how his dad tried to protect Peter till the very end, Peter wants to protect his Mama and brother too.
He hopes he can fill the big shoes his father left behind.
