Learning My Insecurities
It's rare to have windy days in Ewa Beach, that's why I love them. My father once told me, "it's always sunny in Ewa Beach and if it is rainy or windy, then it is rainy and windy everywhere else."; I believe him. I believed it so much, I would share it about my friends and anyone I knew. Though not everyone believes me, some people think I'm stupid for believing such. When they act like that, it offends me because they are, unintentionally, making my father sound like a fool. The urge to speak up is strong but I abhor petty arguments, so what's the point? Besides, a side of me does not like showing emotional weakness to my friends or to anyone. Not even my own family, not that I like to act tough hell no, but I feel embarrassed and ashamed, yeah I know what you're going to say, "pretty childish David." but when you open up, people will most likely say two things, "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that." or "I know how you feel" and they don't follow up on that? DO NOT level yourself with me if you can't back up crap, because at the end of the day, I'd only feel bitterness within myself, I would not show it but my heart, my damn heart, I felt it twofold. That same bitterness was present during that windy day.
School was done and all I wanted to do was spend time with my friends, though I hoped for one thing. During the whole duration of fourth period, my friends and myself had a group chat talking about senior prom and senior luau. They have been talking all about it, who to go with, rushing to find their date, so worried about going alone. God, that bitterness in me grew as I felt the vibration on my thigh as the phone was in my pocket. "Like for fucks sake! What's wrong going alone!?" I thought to myself. I rarely could focus during STEM Capstone, I couldn't get anything done so I decided to work on my story. My story is like an escape from every goddamn problem that was present that day. A story of a boy with a tragic past but with that tragic event gained him the strength to fight for others, traveling worlds to face new problems. My story is not perfect but as I write, well, type, it's like whetstone sharpening a blade. The more I type, the better I become. When I closed my laptop, the bell rang. I stood up from my chair and walked to the laptop cart. I slotted my laptop into the number three but I forgot to charge it. I looked back but my procrastination got the better of me and so I swung my backpack around my back to my right shoulder then my left arm reached for the left strap. I said my goodbyes to my teacher and classmate and traversed out of O-102 and turned left heading down the corridor. I was deflated and tired and all I wanted to do was spend time and talk to my friends but when I turned the corner to the left, and headed to the usual spot, no one was there. I leaned onto a pillar waiting for them to arrive. Minutes pass and I check to see if anyone is coming and who would have guessed that the four people I saw were my close cousin Hailey, her friend Jhun, our friend Bianca and her boyfriend Nate. Hailey is nice with an attitude but also a fool overall when it comes to her judgment when looking for a boyfriend. I know what you're going to say, "that's rude to say behind your cousin's back," I will admit it is rude, but after seeing relationship then break up after relationship then break up from 7th grade to present day, it made me question her and maybe most girls, my age and few years lower, "why are you so desperate for love and affection from a guy who you might get tired of in days to a year?" I still wonder today. I don't hate Hailey, it is just her taste in boys is disastrous. Jhun, I do not really know anything about him nor do I care, all I know is that he is a tall Asian and the President of the Chess Club, and Bianca was head-over-heels to the point she joined Chess Club to be with him. Now Bianca, she was a classmate of mine back in Keoneula Elementary, never really considered her as a friend until she became best friends with Hailey. Honestly what a twist of fate. I laugh with the thought, I never talked to her in 6th grade but when 7th grade came along I saw her become best friends with Hailey. Her taste in boys seemed as bad as Hailey's, she really did her best to get connected with Jhun, but every step taken, she took ten steps back, I got to at least give her credit for being persistent for a whole semester. Nate, the same as Jhun, I do not know and I really do not really care. Although, from what I see, Nate and Bianca have a better chemistry than Jhun. I normally don't go and stir up a conversation with Hailey and Bianca, they are mostly just hanging out with Jhun and Nate so I ignored them as usual.
For the next few minutes I waited for my best friend, Kaycee, he has a semi deep voice, easy to recognize. When he arrived he was with his girlfriend Nissi, accompanied by two of my other friends, Kristian and Kimi. Kaycee, heh, my partner in crime I guess. When we first met, it was 6th grade but we never really talked to each other. When the Final Day of 6th Grade Potluck was happening, I got the courage to sing my favorite song from the movie Dragon Ball Battle of Gods, Song of Hope (Kibou no Uta) sung by Flow! And when the music began to play, he went all fanboy. It hit both of us that we liked the same anime and for the first time, we talked to each other. When school ended, I was bummed out that I might not see him in Ewa Makai, but like the twist of fate with Bianca, he was my classmate for Math Workshop. We became quick friends and did all of the group projects together, we were not great at math but we got the job done. I never really talked to Nissi a lot throughout the years she has been friends with Hailey, but when we were in General Art I last semester, we talked quite a lot. She's nice with her own kind of attitude and it turns out that she had a crush on Kaycee (it was pretty obvious). It is nice to see them together but I think that's what hurts me the most. Kristian is quite the strange cookie, he is nice but, (using it lightly) can be sadistic at times. Using it less lightly, Kimi is a mixed bag of sadism, kindness and attitude, but a classmate once told me in a comedic manner, "whenever a short person wakes up in morning, they always choose violence." Whenever I see Kimi, this phrase always comes to mind.
All of us as a whole, we are fairly loud and our humor varies and fluctuates from dark humor like Family Guy humor but less intense, to stupidious humor, laughing at memes about cats bullying other animals. For most of the twenty minutes I just stood there watching everyone talking to each other, I wanted to talk, to recharge my "mental battery" but I was the third wheel in the situation, every girl in the group was talking about prom or their date and how they are going to ask this guy. It was annoying. I didn't have a prom date, never asked anyone. My older sister said that I could bring any girl to prom even if it is not a date, "if only if it were that simple," I thought to myself, but not because everyone is taken, no no, it's because girls can be picky, like deciding which purse to buy even though they look the damn same or what fast fashion to put on to look good, black? Or white? Red? Or blue? Jeans? Or a jean jacket? As a guy I can never understand the decision making of females of my age in which I am fine with despite getting annoyed when they do. Although my sister told me that I can take anyone I know, after seeing not only the girls in my group but everyone surrounding me trying so desperately to ask this one guy made me obligated to get a date. "Screw this…" I know I wont be able to get any but at the same time, rushing love is like a flame, bright and warm then non-existent. In the next ten minutes of wasting my time standing idly, I began to think, "who'd even want to ask me?" In truth, I appear soft spoken and shy on the outside but in my group and in the gaming world, I can reveal that I am pretty loud, brash and pretty rude. Though I tease or make fun of certain things in my friend group, I am always quick to apologize though in the gaming world, well, a handful of people you encounter are just jerks and assholes for no reason so I treat them the same in a passive aggressive way, putting shade on them however way possible when the opportunity arises. I am not a good friend and do you want to know what I hate the most about people? It's when they try to cheer you up that they lie, "you're a good friend David!", or "why are you being so negative about yourself?" they say and it's hilarious, hilarious the fact they think they know who I truly am. I never really mean to hurt one's feelings so it is hard to shut them up. When given the question about being a good friend, they answer in the lines of "yes" or "no" and the majority of people will say "yes" to make them feel better about themselves despite of it being a blatant lie, I know they will not admit it, all of my friends real life and online are not good friends. That does not mean we are not good people, we just lack certain qualities that can make a person a "good friend". So what makes a good friend? Hah, like I would know the answer to that.
After what felt like thirty minutes in reality it was only seven, they decided that they will go to SevenEleven so I tagged along, hoping to be able to actually talk to my friends, terrible mistake, I should have left a while back. I was with Kaycee, Nissi and Kimi and I wanted to talk about my favorite game Destiny 2, but the feedback is always the same, they didn't want to hear it because it is cringe worthy, it is my fault for making it that way, I would always give them a reason on not to play it in a jokingly manner like, "If you hate yourself and want to suffer, play Destiny 2!'' These jokes were never meant to be taken seriously, never were, but I'll be honest, I am a bit glad that they never play Destiny, it is time consuming and it does consume me a lot. I love the game and it's lore. In 2014, a giant sentient white ball appeared in the Sol System entering the atmosphere of Mars. Years go by and the White Ball now referred to as the Traveler began to terraform every planet and making them inhabitable and for the first time in history, humanity began to colonize planets. Mercury, a garden world, Venus, a place where scholars go for research and development, Mars, where a multi-billion dollar company known as Clovis Bray resides and develops Warsats to defend the Sol System and so forth. But as this Golden Age goes on for centuries, an entity known as the Darkness arrives, destroying whatever progress Humanity has ever made and making them fall back to Earth. When Humanity was almost extinct, the Traveler sacrificed itself driving back the Darkness but also birthed the Ghosts, small prism-like drones infused with the power of Light going around to find deceased people to resurrect them and blessing them with the Light, and thus the Guardians are born. Great GOD I love the story, it's so cool and it is an ever evolving story as the game ages, but when I try to speak out about my passion of the game, they give off the energy of not wanting to hear any of it, speaking over me. I snap, "can-you-let-me-fucking-talk?" I said rapidly aloud. Nothing I hate more when I get intentionally interrupted and when I snap. I am usually a patient person and when someone speaks over me I let them finish until they are done, but when they make a fool of me about something I want to talk about, I can get defensive and upset about it. And so they stopped and let me talk.
When I talk, I sometimes use words, like I would use in literature or in an ELA essay, like, "sometimes life can be unfair, all that we can do is endure and face it like a tidal wave." and so forth, not too complex to my eyes but it seems like when I talk like that, Kaycee, Nissi and Kimi is so inclined to say that I'm too sophisticated. Sophisticated? What the hell? God that aggravates me so MUCH! They say that "you're too sophisticated for us David," they say it like I'm fucking Shakesphear or that I am some rich guy. The fact that my family is in the lower-middle class life is irksome as well, they have some damn nerve to say that to me where they are in the high-middle class life. God they are spoiled, Hailey, Nissi, Kimi and Kaycee! For god's sake, if Kaycee and Hailey gave attitude to my mom or dad, they would GET IT and I'd laugh because they would deserve it, they get better grades than me but their privileges get the better of them. I too am privileged and spoiled but not like them and if I was, my parents would make sure that I would get their message. Though I laugh it off, it does hurt because I am inclined not to talk the way I want to in front of them. I walk slowly, until everyone is in front of me, I took out my Soundmates ANC, a knock off airpods gifted to me from my cousin Shannale, put them on left to right and unlocked my Iphone and searched up on YouTube for the song, Bipolar Nightmare composed by Keigo Hoashi and from the game called NieR: Automata. The music makes you feel like you're in an epic fight against a god in a fantasy land. With the build up of strings, instrumental, then the best part, the vocals, using the term chaos language, using a mix of different languages to form one. I use one of these songs to draft an outline in my head for my story. For example, the chorus in the song, I thought of…
Raiden Shogun, in a flash, appears in front of Joseph so quickly, he barely blocks her attack. Joseph counters but she blocks as well. Joseph gets launched back but uses his knife to stabilize himself by stabbing the ground.
Right as he looks up Raiden Shogun is dashing towards him, Joseph activates his vision and his katana is imbued with pyro, he dashes towards her the two clash.
The two blades clash while a stunning view of overload reactions emits.
Joseph leaps back as Raiden Shogun priusuits, the two continue to fight as they move, Joseph dodging her attacks as Raiden Shogun keeps applying pressure to Joseph until he falters.
"Joseph, she's fast!" Said Xeno
"Yeah I can see that!" Said Joseph. He parries her polearm that was heading to his face and quickly warlock pushes her away while he thrusts his sword forward, sending a pyro bullet towards her.
Raiden Shogun deflects the bullet with her polearm but it allows Joseph to close the gap as they clash their blades again.
It's been a while since I faced a powerful being like her… Joseph vanishes in front of the Shogun as he appears behind her as he goes for the back.
Raiden Shogun notices him so she uses electro, dashing behind Joseph and slashing his back and then kicking him away…
This is also an escape for my mind while my physical self is still treading in real life, hah, sounds poetic. I get that people will be confused when I talk all poetic but can you blame me? I've done this so much it becomes muscle memory for the brain. My joy, my passion, my hobbies… they can't be expressed aloud when my friends keep dissing them. We all made it to SevenEleven, crowded as we entered. I didn't buy anything due to the strict diet I was on but that's okay, I have food and water at home. I don't need to waste money to satisfy my hunger for junk food. I exited the store and waited, finally time to myself without the view of couples holding hands but alas, I was still alone. I still wanted to talk, wanted to get a laugh out and have fun because that's what friends are for. They are a remedy to your loneliness, a charger for your mental battery, and a hand to grab when your butt is on the ground. But I had none of that today and I felt like collapsing, my core cracking, trying not to break in front of my friends who just exited the store. I decided to leave without saying a word, for a obese man like me, I am somehow invisible to people. Left right, left right, the motion of my legs go by without my control, my mind full of fog, my vision close to tears. No music can be of use at that time. "Gotta go home…" I told myself, my solitude, my tranquility, my excuses await me in the form of a wreckage, my room. I opened the gate to my house, and before I entered, I wiped my tears, blinked five times to drain anything that was left and took a deep breath. I went for my wallet, opened it and dragged my key out of one of its eight pockets and opened the door. Drained and tired I forgot to greet my pit bull as she was excited to see me. I went to my room and closed the door. I dropped my backpack, tossed down my jacket and collapsed to my bed. Nothing to distract me, I finally shut my eyes and then silence.
In truth, I never liked being lonely whether in real life or online and finding the right people for me is quite hard and so despite everything, I am still with them, not because they are treating me better but because in the end we are still friends. I might not even tell them of my crisis, because I doubt they will accept to listen to me talking about my fascination with Destiny 2 or would like to hear me talk like a writer. After three days of solitude, away from my friends, I made my conclusion. It does not matter what they think of me and it sure as hell should not affect me. And in those three days I learned that my family, both intentionally and unintentionally taught me five virtues, one per family member and myself. My father taught me respect and how I should respect others. My mother taught me management and responsibility, giving me tasks and to proceed without being told in preparation for adult life. My older sister taught me sympathy and empathy, allowing me to feel sorry for others and to imagine myself in their shoes. My younger brother had taught me patience, allowing me to deal with unbearable people and being able to enjoy the simple things in life. And now myself, I learned that self humility is an important quality to have in life, it helped me to be humble towards myself and others without putting others down. I am no perfect man, but these virtues are what makes me… me, David, a kind, respectful and patient guy but in the online world, a brash, loud and humorous guy who swears… a lot. But in both worlds I will help others the best I can. After pulling an all-nighter of gaming alone, I made my cup of coffee, fed my dog and prepared myself for school. All ready, I said my goodbyes to my dog and opened the door and a gust of wind hit me. It's rare to have windy days in Ewa Beach, that's why I love them. My father once told me, "it's always sunny in Ewa Beach and if it is rainy or windy, then it is rainy and windy everywhere else."; I believe him, I still do. I checked my phone, 7:34AM, I took a deep breath and looked to the sky. I said to myself, "life is always unpredictable and loves to show it, just like Hawaii's weather. No matter what, no matter if I am judged or put down, shamed or humiliated, treat it with a smile, embrace it because it does not matter what others think of me, it never should. What matters is my ability to respect and to help others without the need of physical or verbal conflict.". Left right, left right, my legs move in my control, my mind sharp and my vision clear.
Nothing much to say here but just a reflective essay that went pretty well, I wanted to share it to you folks I guess to learn more about me.
