Alfred doesn't like his brother.
That's fine, because he knows Mathew doesn't like him either. They are twins, two halves of a whole, or so they were told. It doesn't feel like it. There's only one of them, and then the other who isn't needed.
Alfred knows it from his earliest memory, the sharp and silent glare Mathew had sent him, and the way he'd turned his back fully to Mathew, refusing to give his twin attention.
Alfred doesn't need a twin, but neither does Mathew.
It's a game, circling each other, festering with hatred, but neither wants to make the first move. Finally, Mathew makes the first feint.
They're at the crossing, waiting, because the train is coming and the bar is down. Alfred senses it before it comes, and pulls away. Mathew's hand brushes his back, and Alfred stumbles, slightly, but doesn't fall. The train goes barreling by, and Alfred turns to glare at Mathew. Mathew, dark and vicious eyes, doesn't acknowledge what he's done, but it's too late. The perfect balance in the scale has tipped, the first move was made.
Alfred is the next one to attack.
They're with friends, swimming in the lake. Mathew's already in the water, swimming under the surface, when Alfred dives in. He dives with a goal in mind, and catches hold of the target as the force of his dive pulls him down. Mathew, dragged by the hand around his ankle, is pulled down too. From then on, it's a silent fight in the water. Alfred has more air than his twin , who was already holding his breath when Alfred caught him. Mathew tries to even this out, kicking Alfred in the stomach, and a few bubbles slip loose.
They wrestle in the water, but it's a race against time, and the battle is a sham. Who runs out of air first, Mathew or Alfred. Mathew gets some more well placed blows in, and Alfred spills a stream of bubbles. But it's too late, and Mathew is thrashing, and Alfred knows he'll win.
He doesn't expect the sudden body slam to the side, and his hand releases automatically, and Mathew escapes.
Alfred surfaces hurriedly, gasping for air, and Mathew scrambles out of the water, onto dry land and away from Alfred, collapsing with his head on the shoulder of a friend, choking and gasping. Another friend, the one that body slammed Alfred, turns to him.
"What the hell, Alfred?"
Yao is looking at him with wide eyes, and Alfred sees fear lurking behind them. Alfred can't afford to get caught, he knows if he is the game will be over, and Mathew will win. So Alfred makes his best innocent and bemused face and makes up a lie.
"We were just playing around?"
Yao snaps back in anger.
"Mathew almost drowned!"
Alfred, unwillingly, looks towards Mathew, and the friend patting Mathew on the back looks stressed, but not upset. It's a look that tells Alfred the chances of Mathew dying now are low. Kiku, the other friend, fixes Alfred with an accusatory stare.
Alfred knows what to do and say in this situation, but he hates that he has to do it.
"Sorry." He mumbles. "I messed up."
The only part he meant was the last part. Mathew, finally recovering from choking on lake water, lifts his head, and Alfred glimpses the look on his face behind his hair.
An aggravating smirk, barely present. Alfred had lost in more than one way. But the encounter changes something. Mathew had feinted, but Alfred dealt the first blow.
The battle starts in earnest.
At the bus station, Mathew tries to slice Alfred's wrists on the broken glass of the shelter. Alfred rips his arm out of his twin's grip.
While hiking, Alfred tries to trip Mathew off a cliff. Mathew catches himself.
They go with a friend group on a boating trip in the ocean. Alfred shoves Mathew's head in the way of the rudder when no one is looking. It leaves a bad bruise, but that's all.
Mathew makes Alfred breakfast. The strong chemical smell gives away the secret ingredients Mathew had added.
On the surface, they are the same. They do everything together, study, play, eat and cook. Under the surface, they use every opportunity they can. Their parents are none the wiser. The smaller "accidents" start getting more severe.
Mathew frames Alfred, getting him in trouble with the bullies at school. Alfred is stronger than them, and not afraid of anyone other than his twin.
Alfred's father catches him pouring broken glass in Mathew's bed, and Alfred gets a lecture of the difference of a prank, and what can't be done. Alfred gets grounded for a week.
While Alfred is sleeping, Mathew tries to suffocate Alfred with a pillow.
Alfred fights him off and strangles Mathew with a shoestring.
Their dad finds them like that and Mathew is saved, and neither twin is listening to their parent's panicked lecture. Mathew glares at Alfred, poison in his eyes. Alfred glares right back, considering how to actually pour poison in his twin's eyes. Finally, their parents understand something is wrong.
Alfred is separated from Mathew.
Mathew is separated from Alfred.
No twin, no imposter that shouldn't exist. No sharing friends, no sharing games or books or clothes or food. It's just Alfred, and his dad. Just Mathew, and his mom. Just them, each alone.
It isn't better. Being apart from Mathew makes the feeling inside even worse, a burning anger and loneliness. Alfred's never been without Mathew before. He doesn't like it. He wheedles and pleads and convinces his dad to let them go back together. He promises to be good. He promises not to "lose his temper" as his dad calls it.
Eventually, his parents agree.
Alfred knows that Mathew missed him too when he sees his twin's face, but that only makes them more angry, and Mathew's hatred isn't subtle, though he makes his face look relieved to see Alfred again. Alfred cries and hugs Mathew.
He knows that Mathew knows that Alfred hates Mathew just as much.
The fighting changes after that, back to the part where they circle each other, testing the waters.
Mathew pinches Alfred at the dinner and their mother starts scolding, sharp and scared.
Alfred kicks Mathew's leg in return, and gets an earful too.
When the boys want to go to the woods to pass time, their father says they can't go alone together. Mathew and Alfred exchange a look. The rules of the game are changing.
For a while, they form a truce, playing the part, keeping the peace. Alfred throws himself in the couch and lays his head on Mathew's shoulder. Mathew pulls the blanket on his legs over Alfred too. It's a perfect scene, brotherly love. For a moment it almost feels that way too. But then Alfred shifts and catches Mathew's eyes for just a second, and it's over. He sees it change in Mathew's face too.
There's one too many of them, and Alfred has to fight the urge to reach for Mathew's defenseless neck. Mathew's fingers tighten on his book, creasing the pages, and Alfred knows his twin feels it too. Alfred looks away, but the spell is broken. Still, they continue to play friends, acting nice.
They go bowling with their friends. Alfred cheers at Mathew's strike.
They study together, and Mathew helps Alfred with his homework.
And for a while, they find a system that works. If Alfred doesn't look at Mathew, if Mathew doesn't look at Alfred, they'll be fine. If they don't see each other's eyes, they can get along. But the moment they mess up, and Alfred and Mathew meet eyes, it's over.
Alfred spreads rumours at school to isolate Mathew.
Mathew feeds Alfred a pot brownie.
It's a new strategy, a way to finally rid themselves of the other. If Alfred can't do it himself, he'll make Mathew do it.
Mathew keeps trying to get Alfred addicted.
Alfred keeps trying to ruin Mathew's life.
Things start to backfire, and Alfred's rumours come back to slap him in the face, and soon Alfred finds himself isolated. Mathew starts getting high more and more often. Alfred blames his problems on his twin. He knows Mathew is doing the same.
Something starts to fray, something is coming apart, though Alfred doesn't know what.
Mathew curls with his back against Alfred, sleeping in the same bed.
Alfred matches his breathing with Mathew and feels like everything is perfect in that moment.
Mathew wears Alfred's clothes.
Alfred wears Mathew's.
They're mixing, becoming one person who should be two.
Christmas comes, and Mathew gives Alfred a knife as a present.
Alfred knows what Mathew wants Alfred to use that knife for.
Alfred gives Mathew his present secretly later, something Mathew should never put in his body. They both know Mathew is going to use it.
Someone picks a fight with Alfred, and he rises to the challenge. Mathew watches with interest as Alfred looses, badly, blood streaming from his nose. Mathew doesn't try to interfere and Alfred tries to stem the blood, trying to ignore the look on Mathew's face.
They're falling apart.
Alfred likes being with Mathew, spending time with him. He likes Mathew as a person, and he knows that Mathew likes him too.
He still wants his twin to die.
They eat dinner with their parents, and Mathew is cutting his steak with a knife. Alfred looks up from his plate and accidentally makes eye contact.
Alfred needs to get rid of Mathew. Mathew tries to get rid of him.
Their parents pull them apart, shrieking, and Alfred Is bleeding from a stab wound in his side. Mathew glares at Alfred. Alfred glares back, and strains to get to him.
And everything breaks.
Alfred is separated from Mathew. Mathew is separated from Alfred.
Alfred joins a new school, alone.
Alfred goes to classes, alone.
Alfred is alone.
Alfred feels the absence where Mathew should be, and it aches. His father doesn't fold to his pleading and begging.
Alfred resorts to threats.
His mother calls, and he overhears the fight. Mathew is throwing the biggest tantrum he's ever thrown. Alfred decides to do the same.
Alfred has to start taking medication.
Alfred graduates.
Mathew's absence doesn't feel any less sharp, but he's learned to deal with it. Alfred makes new friends and gets a job. He wonders if Mathew is doing the same.
Alfred has to wear glasses now.
Alfred wants to move out. His father says no. There's a fight.
Alfred misses Mathew a lot that night.
Alfred stops taking his medications. His father doesn't notice. Mathew's absence feels sharper.
Alfred sneaks behind his father's back and finds out Mathew's number, but doesn't call yet.
Alfred doesn't fight with his father again. Instead, he packs his bags, and leaves silently. He moves in with a friend. Sometimes he wakes up at night feeling a dull ache, missing someone who should be by his side but isn't.
Alfred calls Mathew. Mathew answers.
They talk, like old times. Things feel perfect and friendly again. Alfred wants to be close with Mathew again. Mathew wants to be close with Alfred too. They makes plans to meet up.
Mathew is the same as Alfred remembers him, the only difference is that he now has to wear glasses too. Something sits heavily in Alfred's chest.
Alfred avoids eye contact.
They continue to meet up, and Alfred introduces Mathew to his friends. Mathew complains of life with their mom, and how controlling she is. He smokes pot while he speaks. Something in Alfred reacts to the smell, animalist tendencies starting to break out. Alfred wants his twin gone.
Alfred starts taking his pills again.
Mathew finally decides to move out, and Alfred hates his brother's roommate. Mathew doesn't care.
Alfred knows something is different.
Mathew and Alfred spend more time together.. They don't look in each other's eyes. Their friends joke about them being joined at the hip. Alfred likes Mathew. Mathew likes Alfred.
They're gaming together, laughing, trash talking. There was beer involved. Alfred makes a mistake and catches his brother's eyes.
Mathew's eyes cloud, darkening, and Alfred knows his twin wants him gone. Alfred wants his twin gone too. His fingers twitch on the cord of his controller.
Alfred doesn't want Mathew gone.
A rush, movements against his instincts, and Alfred locks himself in the bathroom. Mathew bangs on the door, snarling. Alfred takes one of his pills. He starts talking, stories, chatting, jokes, anything he can think of. Then, finally, he hears Mathew's soft voice respond, tired and exhausted.
"What's wrong with us, Alfred?"
Alfred wishes he had an answer.
Mathew doesn't attack him when he unlocks the door. Alfred doesn't attack his twin either, but there's a sense of hope when he offers Mathew one of his pills. Alfred hopes that somehow, his medication will kill his twin. It doesn't, and they go back to playing, not looking at each other.
Alfred can almost pretend nothing happened.
Mathew and Alfred meet up with some of their friends from when they were younger, before they started ignoring Alfred. Alfred introduces his new friends.
Ivan, his friend and roommate, asks about when Alfred was younger. They tell stories about when they were younger. Yao tells Ivan that Mathew and Alfred used to hate each other. Alfred tells him it's not true, and Mathew backs him up.
"You used to spread all those nasty lies about Mathew back in school!" Yao protests, "And there's a huge rumour that the reason you had to move away with your dad is because you guys wouldn't stop fighting!"
"Didn't you almost drown Mathew that one time?" Kiku adds, and his face twists at the memory.
Ivan looks captivated and demands to hear more, so Yao tells the story. Some part of Alfred gets an urge to try it again, and he pictures himself holding Mathew's head underwater till his twin stops struggling. Mathew interjects, telling a story that neither of them had ever intended to tell.
"I tried to push him in front of a train first."
Something is stirring in Alfred, behind the medication, and he knows Mathew feels it too.
"You did what?"
And the battle is about to start again, Mathew's already thrown down the gauntlet. Alfred uses his story as an attack.
"I tried to push you off a cliff."
Mathew rises to the challenge.
"I tried to poison your pancakes."
Something is wrong, something is hot and heavy in the air, and it's hard to breathe.
"I tried to strangle you with my shoelace."
"After I tried to smother you with a pillow."
Alfred's friends look horrified, and Yao tries to stop them, tries to change the subject. Mathew speaks over him.
"I stabbed you."
Alfred still isn't looking at Mathew. Kiku figures out that something is still wrong. Alfred is scanning the room for a possible weapon. Ivan catches him, pulling him into a constraining hug, pretending to be friendly.
"But you are friends now, so it is all okay!"
It isn't okay. Alfred doesn't need a twin. Mathew shifts on the other side of the couch, and Yao suddenly forces himself between them, creating a forced barrier. Alfred tries to calm himself down. He likes Mathew. Mathew is his friend.
Mathew speaks lowly.
"I-" He suddenly changes what he was about to say. "We don't hate each other."
Alfred is beginning to feel normal again. He wiggles in Ivan's vice-like grip.
"Yeah! I couldn't live without him!"
And Alfred knows in that moment, he's never said something truer. Alfred doesn't want a twin. He doesn't need a twin. But Alfred needs Mathew, his best friend. He remembers the piercing pain of being separated. If Alfred loses Mathew, he'll feel like that forever. Alfred doesn't want that.
Yao begins to relax, and Ivan Finally releases Alfred. Kiku doesn't look convinced, eyes flicking from Mathew to Alfred. Alfred doesn't dare to look at Mathew's face. The conversation turns to more recent stories, stories with Ivan, stories with Mathew's roommate.
Everything feels normal again, and Alfred thinks the issue's forgotten.
They continue to hang out, Mathew and Alfred, them and their old friends, them and Ivan, them and Mathew's roommate, Miguel.
They go clubbing together. Alfred sees Mathew take a drug.
Alfred hangs out at Mathew's place and almost starts a fistfight with Mathew's roommate. Mathew doesn't try to stop it.
They're walking a tightrope, trying to make it work.
Kiku, Yao, and Ivan agree to go bowling with them, and Mathew introduces his roommate. Alfred is on Mathew and Kiku's team. Ivan and Yao are on Miguel's team. Alfred can't remember the last time he'd had this much fun. Mathew gets his third strike, and Alfred reaches for a bowling ball, ready for his turn. He's careless when he looks towards the lanes.
Mathew and Alfred meet eyes.
Alfred tries to bring the bowling ball down on his twin's head, and Mathew dodges. There's shouting from their friend group, and someone pulls Alfred's arm and he slips and falls heavily.
Mathew tries to choke Alfred when he's down.
Ivan rips Mathew off Alfred, shoving his large frame between the two of them, and Kiku and Yao hold Alfred down, while Miguel locks Mathew in an arm bar. They get kicked out. Alfred tries to fight the murderous urge and sheepishly offers a half-hearted excuse.
"I tripped."
His friends stare at him like he's crazy. Mathew plays along.
"It was just a joke."
No one believes them. Yao is speaking about calling the police, and Miguel is freaking out.
"You just tried to bash his head in with a bowling ball! And he tried to strangle you!"
Alfred stubbornly sticks to his excuse.
"It was an accident."
Kiku tries to calm Yao down, saying not to call the police. Ivan just watches Miguel panic with an unreadable expression. Miguel looks terrified.
"It wasn't an accident! I just watched you two try to kill each other!"
"It was just a prank."
Mathew also stubbornly sticks to his story.
"What the hell? Why are you acting like this?" Yao breaks in, horrified.
People are starting to stare, and Ivan makes a decision.
"Let's talk at my place."
Alfred is forced to take a different cab than Mathew, and Yao and Ivan flank him like silent bodyguards, and Alfred knows if he doesn't act carefully, everything will be ruined. Ivan won't let Mathew in the apartment until he swears not to attack Alfred. Alfred isn't allowed out of his room till he swears the same thing.
Then, they're in the same room. Alfred doesn't look at Mathew. Mathew doesn't look at Alfred. Miguel hangs around Mathew's shoulders, either to protect him or hold him back. Ivan does the same to Alfred, and Yao takes the middle, prickly and on guard.
Kiku is the only one who sits, watching with troubled eyes from the couch. Ivan breaks the silence.
"Explain everything."
His voice doesn't leave room for argument. Thankfully, Mathew thought of an excuse.
"We forgot to take our medication."
Ivan's seen Alfred take his pills before, though Alfred only told them they were for his mental health, and nothing else. The others have not.
"What pills?" Yao demands.
Alfred searches through his bag and finds the pills, and takes one. He throws the bottle in Mathew's direction without looking, and it hits Miguel in the face. Alfred snickers, thinking its funny. The sound of the bottle lets him know Mathew took a pill too. Miguel speaks up.
"So what? You take these pills to stop you from going all crazy and killing someone? Because I think I deserved to know that in advance!"
And something stirs in Alfred, dark and heavy, and he and Mathew speak similar words at the same time, in the same low tone.
"Don't worry. You're not the one I want to kill."
And the whole air freezes as Mathew and Alfred finally air the thing that they had refused to say before. The thing in Alfred's heart gets tighter. He wants to kill his twin. His twin wants to kill him.
For the first time, Kiku speaks up, hesitantly.
"You said that you were friends, though. Then why?"
And Alfred grapples to answer a question he doesn't have an answer for. Mathew sighs, and Alfred knows from that light and tired sigh that Mathew is his friend in that moment, not his twin. Mathew tries to explain.
"We can't help it. It's been like this since we were born, I think. We get along just fine, and I like Alfred, but when I see his face-"
Alfred growls under his breath, making Ivan jump next to him. Mathew's tone turns more dangerous.
"I want to kill him."
Alfred knows how it feels, the hatred that pours out when he sees his twin. He doesn't know why, but he hates Mathew to the core when he sees his face.
"I want to kill him."
Alfred echos the sentiment, dark and vicious. Ivan suddenly grabs Alfred by the shoulders, pinning him back in his seat so he can't move. Alfred immediately forgets his anger, wiggling.
"Let me go! I'm not gonna hurt him now! I like Mattie!"
His friends all exchange troubled looks. Alfred doesn't have to look to know Mathew is nodding in agreement. Kiku is trying to figure something out, brow furrowed. Miguel is half-hiding behind Mathew now, putting distance between him and his roommate. Yao is holding his phone like he's still considering calling the police. Ivan doesn't ease the pressure on Alfred's shoulders. Alfred tries to ease the tension.
"It's fine as long as I don't look in his face."
Kiku looks at Alfred with confusion.
"But you're identical?"
And inside, Alfred feels something snap, furious anger. He couldn't explain why, but he hates that Kiku said that, and tries to shoot to his feet. Ivan's heavy grip pulls him back down immediately. Alfred's not the only one, and both Yao and Miguel are trying to hold Mathew back too. Alfred, strains, but Ivan is stronger than him, and his position gives him more leverage to push Alfred down. Frustrated, Alfred snarls his feelings out loud.
"I don't need a twin!"
And it's all finally out.
Alfred doesn't want a twin. He doesn't need one. Mathew doesn't want or need a twin either. Alfred hates being a twin. He hates having a twin. That's why he wants to get rid of his. He knows Mathew feels the same.
"You want to kill each other because you're twins?"
Yao is flabbergasted, but Alfred can't make himself stop feeling this way. Kiku speaks, slowly.
"You like each other as people, but can't stand that you're twins..." Kiku seems to be thinking. "And when you are confronted with the fact you're twins it makes you feel aggressive..."
Alfred stops struggling. It feels like Kiku is onto something, and Alfred thinks that whatever it is will fix the issue. Mathew stops struggling too, bated breath.
Alfred likes Mathew. He hates the ache he gets when Mathew isn't around, and he can't picture living without Mathew. But Alfred hates his twin.
"It sounds like some sort of personality disorder," Kiku muses.
"If you hate each other to the point you try to kill each other, why don't you just avoid each other?"
Yao breaks in, exasperated, and both Alfred and Mathew reply before Yao is even done talking.
"No can do."
"It's impossible."
The times he's been separated from Mathew are some of the worst times in his life, even worse than the absolute hatred he feels towards his twin when he sees his face. Alfred needs Mathew by his side. Mathew voices the same thought.
"Everything feels empty and terrible when we're apart."
Ivan's grip is hurting Alfred, and he knows there will be bruises later. But Alfred doesn't want to hurt Mathew, so he bears it quietly. Kiku is still thinking, then finally comes to a conclusion.
"If everything would be fine if you're not twins, why don't you try to see each other as just other people instead?"
Alfred has no idea what Kiku is trying to say, and shoots him a look. Kiku hurries to explain.
"For instance, if you change your looks so you don't look so similar, and dress different or something, it might help."
It's the first advice anyone had tried to give them to help them. Their parents only separated them, no one asked them how they felt and why. Alfred feels a bit of hope.
The thing that's tearing them apart can't be that easy to fix.
For a while they twins don't see each other, their roommates make sure of it. Alfred still calls Mathew an ld talks to him over the phone. Mathew decides to. Take their Mother's last name, and Alfred agrees to keep his father's.
Mathew Williams.
Alfred Jones.
He likes saying that a lot more. It's different. They're different.
Alfred cuts his hair short. Mathew says he's growing his out.
Alfred changes his glasses, bright red and square frames, something he knows Mathew would never wear.
Mathew decides to celebrate his birthday three days earlier, so they don't share the same birthday.
Something is changing, and Alfred hopes its for the better.
When Mathew and Alfred finally meet again, the whole friend group gathers, clearly preparing for a fight. Alfred doesn't want to look at his brother's face. Alfred doesn't want to kill Mathew, and he's scared if he sees his twin again, he will. Ivan offers comfort.
"I think it will be fine. But, if it is not, I will stop you."
It's strange to Alfred that he's so grateful to hear those words, and he knows Ivan won't hesitate to keep his promise if it comes to it. Alfred looks towards his twin.
Mathew is different. His hair is longer, bleached lighter, and he's changed his glasses to round and thin frames. He doesn't look like the Mathew Alfred is used to. He doesn't look like Alfred. Mathew turns his head to look at Alfred too, and Alfred stops breathing. For a moment all they do is look.
Mathew's eyes aren't dark and vicious.
Alfred doesn't hate his brother.
There's still a feeling, underneath, anger festering, when Alfred sees the similarities between them, but that's all it is. Alfred doesn't want to try to kill Mathew. Mathew doesn't try to kill Alfred either.
Mathew collapses on a heap on the floor, like all his bones turned to jello, and Alfred fights back the tears in his eyes, fruitlessly. The tears start falling anyways. Ivan grabs him around the waist and pulls him back, just in case, and Alfred tries to explain.
"That's Mathew," He sobs, "he's not the same."
Mathew, half-curled into Kiku's arm, fighting his own tears, speaks in a thick voice.
"That's not my twin. It's better now."
Alfred pushes Ivan off and half-stumbles his way closer to Mathew, and Ivan and Yao stick close, just in case Alfred changes his mind and tries to kill Mathew again. Mathew looks up at him, dabbling tears from his eyes, and Alfred, rather than anger, feels delight.
For the first time since he remembers, Alfred looks in Mathew's face and doesn't want to kill him. Mathew begins to laugh, suddenly, and Alfred knows he feels the same way.
Now all that's left is to fix everything they've broken over the years.
Alfred and Mathew visit their parents, and explain that everything is better now. Their mother doesn't looks like she trusts them, but their father seems to understand that this time, they're being honest.
Mathew goes into rehab to finally quit his drug abuse.
Alfred starts going to therapy again.
Mathew gets released from rehab, and they go out with friends to celebrate.
Mathew removes his glasses during dinner to clean them, and Alfred catches his brother's eyes.
And nothing happens.
Mathew and Alfred go swimming together, and Mathew ties back his hair and neither of them wear their glasses, but all Alfred feels is mild irritation at Mathew's similar face. Neither of them try to drown the other.
Alfred doesn't have a twin anymore. He has a brother, and a friend, but he doesn't have that annoying existence that was supposed to be his "other half". Both Alfred and Mathew are whole by themselves.
One day, someone who stumbles on them blurts put the hated words.
"Oh, you're twins!"
And Alfred's anger flares up, and he knows Mathew feels the same, but all he does is snap back at the girl.
"We're just brothers."
Mathew takes the chance to add that they don't even share the same birthday, and the girl apologizes, flustered. And everything is okay, for the first time since they were born.
Alfred looks at Mathew, and catches his eyes, and Mathew looks back.
He's glad that he didn't manage to kill his brother back when they were "twins". Mathew is important to him, and Alfred knows Mathew feels the same. Mathew breaks eye contact first.
"I'm glad I have you, Al."
And all Alfred can do is return the sentiment.
"Me too."
And that's all there is too it.
