Mario pulled out an envelope and handed it to his brother.
The green one accurately dropped the love letter to his gal-pal Daisy into the thin white casket. He licked the tab majestically, like a gorgeous Afghan hound finding free burritos in the rubbish bin. His nose wiggled with glee as his tongue glided over the adhesive layer.
"My eye itches," said Mario abruptly, pulling a fork out from his left ear canal and rubbing the tines against his corneas viciously. Some sclera leaked out and landed on the little baby goombas growing by his unshod feet. The goombas lapped up the sclera and grew beefy pecs and abs which they then used to Bully the Bullies in Lethal Lava Land.
Luigi had just finished writing the address to Sarasaland and was moving on to the stamping procedure. Placing his expert taste organ against the stamp, he salivated to his fullest extent.
Unfortunately, Luigi exuded 0.05ml too much saliva and his tongue slipped. His whole face seemed to slip, in fact. Luigi's face fell down and struck the table dead-on. His powerful teeth granted to him by the Luigi's Mansion 3 boxart burst through the entirety of the wooden frame.
Mario gasped and took out some nail polish in order to seal the cracks in the table.
Luigi howled as the teeth cemented to the table due to his brother's overzealous caulk job. He stood up, with the table affixed firmly on his top jaw, and ran for the front door. "I need to see a doctor!"
And so, at the doctors...
"So, how's it lookin', doc?" asked Luigi, nervously tapping his toes against a surgical drum set.
Dr. Mario looked over the x-rays of Luigi's horrifyingly disfigured skull and sighed deeply as a rabbit jumped out of his right ear. The rabbit rejoined its brethren on the hillside, but since it was wabbit season, they didn't last all too long.
"I'm afraid you have stage 5 Luigitis," said the doctor.
Luigi wept bitterly and beat the floor with his fist clenched tighter than a pickle jar's first day on the job.
"How long does this man have to live?" asked Nurse Toadette, bandaging a banana's left eyebrow.
"He is already dead..." Dr. Mario sighed.
The two medical professionals looked down and saw that there was indeed a tombstone in front of them now. The epitaph read: "Here lies Luigi. The man, the myth, the legend"
Luigi opened his eyes and he was in the Underwhere. An impudent imp ran up to him and handed him a sack of potatoes.
"Do I shear these?" asked the dead green guy.
The imp shook its head. "You must swallow them all. You are not allowed to taste." Then the imp got a mallet out of his pocket and smashed Luigi's tongue. The tongue's bones broke worse than my back just to know your name.
Luigi screamed at the awful pain. It was worse than the time Bowser sat on his toothpick collection back in uni.
However, Luigi's agonising screeches were so powerful that they ripped a hole in the space-time continuum, thus granting him a portal back to mortality.
Luigi did a sick Matrix-style rush towards the portal and leapt inside. He pulled the zipper on the other side so that none of the demons could follow him (except Kevin. Kevin was a bro).
Luigi looked around and suddenly recognised his whereabouts. He was back in the Mushroom Kingdom! He bolted to his house and snatched up the letter, hoping he was not too late to woo his beloved.
But something was odd about Sarasaland...
Luigi noticed that Daisy's castle was half buried on the coast. Luigi wailed and beat sandy ground in rage. "You maniacs!"
Kevin teared up, sensing his companion's emotional distress.
Luigi screamed into the deep blue skies until his lungs had been fully depleted of his inner turmoil.
FIN
