VI — Crazy Heart
Any form of joy or satisfaction Tsubaki had felt over the last couple of days vanished the moment she stepped into the clearing that housed Onigumo and discovered his disappearance. What could have made him flee so quickly — and angrily if the disaster that surrounded her and was left behind meant anything — if only a few hours earlier he had assured her that he was perfectly capable of disciplining his betrothed? Nothing she saw was a good omen. Too caught up in her rage and abandoning any composure she usually maintained for appearance's sake, the priestess let out a cry that reverberated loudly in the recently abandoned clearing. She felt her fists clench, her nails scratch her palms and her teeth press down on her lower lip to the point that it bled as she reduced her eyes to two slits and, for the umpteenth time, cursed Kagome's name.
Ever since she had been born, that girl had done nothing but cause her trouble, and even when Tsubaki thought she finally had her once and for all, she found a way to get away with it. At that moment, she knew she had to ascertain what had really happened and why Onigumo had left in such a hurry, but her anger was too much to contain, and if anyone saw her like that, she would lose any semblance she had so far earned.
Tsubaki had worked hard since she was a child to clear her name, sullied by a drunken father and a loose mother who had conceived her out of wedlock, abandoning her afterwards. Her salvation had come by the hands of she who had preceded Hitomiko; she had seen some potential in her and took care of her. How it was possible and from whom this power derived, no one had been able to say, but Tsubaki had seen it as the opportunity to finally make a name for herself and take revenge on all those who had looked upon her with disdain, many of whom still in their community. Among the latter were a few who had not accepted her even when she had started training to become a priestess and be of help. She hadn't beguiled them with her words or mask, and some had even recognized her fascination with the darker side of her abilities. Tsubaki wasn't ashamed to admit to herself that she liked to experiment with those superior formulas rejected by the spiritual community, but she also knew that she had to keep it hidden; if anyone started pointing the finger at her, deeming her a black priestess, it would be the end of her dreams. Moreover, she still had much to learn regarding the darker rituals; if the need arose, she could do little to defend herself.
However, her path had become even more difficult with the birth of that obnoxious child beloved by all. From a young age, Kagome had been proclaimed by all as the next head priestess because of her power that came from an ancestor who, many believed, had been the most powerful of all time. It also meant that when she had begun her training at an early age, she had immediately surpassed both her and Kikyo, who was also older and more experienced than her. Whatever she did, she did better; whatever ideas she had were better developed. Tsubaki had tried them all and had never managed to surpass her. That was why, as the years passed and the time for Hitomiko to retire approached, Tsubaki understood she had to do something drastic.
It had not been difficult to bring Kikyo to her side, convincing her that there was something wrong with Kagome; her companion's heart was weak and fertile ground for Tsubaki's spells. The same happened to the few families envious of the Higurashi family for the prestige it had gained over the generations. Besides, that kind of dynamic already existed in any village, and all she needed to do was exacerbate it. But still, Kagome resisted and — now aware of her hatred, which she said was unjustified — ignored any rumour. She was the good, quiet priestess who always helped her neighbour and forgave even those who lost their way.
It made Tsubaki want to curse her; if only she had been able to!
To her, it was all bullshit that led nowhere, nor could it help on the road to success. How could Kagome claim she wanted to live for that? The fact that she was to marry the heir of the Hojo family, also far too prestigious and prominent for her liking, did not help Tsubaki's malign intentions.
For that reason, she had found it an excellent idea to enter into cahoots with Onigumo, who, she had noticed, had his eyes set on the pure and innocent young priestess. What harm would it do her to provide the man with the means to make her his? He could help her to obtain what she had always coveted; power. Then, the arrival of a bloodthirsty demon had been a sign of destiny, an aid sent to her by the gods that could only confirm that she had always been the rightful heir to Hitomiko.
These last thoughts, however, were shattered by the evidence now that something had gone wrong. Why couldn't her happiness last? Why didn't she even have the time to taste it for real?
But if there was one thing she had learned in her life, it was she shouldn't give up easily and, above all, she wouldn't give up on her plans after so much hard work. She wouldn't allow Kagome to ruin everything she had earned, and — Onigumo or not — Tsubaki would get rid of her once and for all. To do so, she'd take care of Kagome's entire family.
Wasn't it said that to destroy a person, one had to strike them in their affection? Good-hearted people like Kagome always had weak points, and she knew them; they weren't like her, who had always refused any kind of ties that could hold her back. The fact that the silly girl had not yet realized what her priorities in life were, her naivety itself, was yet more proof that she was not fit to be in power.
Tsubaki would ensure she understood her last lesson perfectly and do so with pleasure.
She arrived at the headman's dwelling as Kagome's grandfather, another of those old men who never accepted her and always babbled about legends, prophecies and evil spirits, was leaving it. Both he and Haruko bore mournful expressions, and while Ichiro's was quite sorrowful, the headman's tended more towards the worried. She arrived in time to hear the last words they were exchanging.
"Is there any reason to believe she will return, Ichiro?"
"I wish she would," Grandpa replied. "Outside this village lurks so many dangers. At the same time, I think it's not so plausible if, when she left, she was so scared that she didn't even warn us."
"I understand that, but as I said, her disappearance puts us in a particularly difficult situation. You know that Onigumo was never an easy person to deal with, and now..." He threw his interlocutor an apologetic smile that came out more like a grimace.
At those words, Ichiro didn't hide his disapproval, and Tsubaki smiled wickedly — not that she had any doubts about what Kagome's family thought of the marriage that had been decided for her. It had only amazed her how easily Grandpa had agreed, without objection; she had thought that, for once, the old man understood that resistance would be for nothing.
"Of course I do, Haruki," he replied impassively, without even adding the honorific to his name. "My family is equally going through a difficult time, and Kagome's disappearance doesn't help lighten the burden we carry in our hearts. I am sure you will have no problem offering us your sympathy," he concluded sharply, narrowing his gaze. Tsubaki could clearly see that she was holding back from adding more, probably some pointless harangue about the village's ingratitude and foolishness like that.
She rolled her eyes.
Then, as she watched the two say goodbye without having resolved anything, she reflected on what she had just heard. If Kagome had disappeared, Tsubaki had reason to believe that Onigumo's absence was connected. She could imagine the man's fury surpassing her own, and if he had stayed, who knows what he might have been up to. Perhaps, it wasn't such bad news that he was also out of the way. Yet, it didn't satisfy her to know that Kagome had not suffered her vengeance; she wished to see her succumb, imprisoned in a marriage that would take away her will to live day after day, while Tsubaki achieved the power and place that had once been promised to her. Now, that would have been a great satisfaction.
The priestess, however, did not think for a second that Kagome had disappeared because she had been kidnapped by Onigumo. The man was no fool, and if he had wanted to follow that path, he would have done so even before Hojo's death. Now that she was his betrothed, he could make her his without anyone complaining or subterfuges, so why kidnap her? No, Tsubaki was sure that Kagome had disappeared on her own, perhaps with some outside help, and that Onigumo had left the village, who knows, to look for her? She really didn't care that much. The whole thing, however, must have happened in a very short time. If the headman had just been informed, there was reason to believe that Onigumo had used some ruse to learn about it just as quickly — or some spy, one in particular.
However, what interested her most was the worry and doubt that crowded Haruki's heart and mind. She would once again exploit the man's negative feelings to get him on her side and convince him that what she had in mind was the best plan to please the majority of the village and avoid unrest. Her plan's victims, what few there would be, were only a natural, inevitable consequence. But, in the end, it was all done for the common good.
She smiled again devilishly, seeing how she still had a few tricks up her sleeve to prove to that little girl that defying Tsubaki wasn't a good idea. Anyone who stood in her way had to go, and she preferred them to do so conspicuously and painfully.
The air had become almost electric from the tension since Toga and Izayoi had left the room. Inuyasha began pacing incessantly, pulling at his hair or rubbing a hand over his face as he tried to find the words to start a conversation he wasn't ready for — and probably never would be. He paused a few times, opened his mouth as if about to say something, but then shook his head and closed it again, beginning a series of seemingly meaningless gestures.
Kagome watched in amazement, inwardly more agitated than the half-demon, as she wrung her fingers in her lap and wondered about the meaning of everything happened so far. It was clear to her that Toga had deliberately left them alone, and she was sure that the look he had given his son must mean something important. What, however, she couldn't know. She imagined the worst scenarios because, even though she had been warmly welcomed, she still felt a significant weight on her chest and believed she hadn't been brought to the castle for the right reason. Inuyasha was the only one who could erase those fears, but he was just as consumed with worry.
How long would his pantomime go on?
Finally, annoyed, Inuyasha exclaimed 'To hell with it!' under his breath and stopped, turning sharply towards the young woman and locking his determined gaze with her frightened one. He heard her pulse quicken dangerously and her face turn ashen as he reached her and sat down on one of the cushions in front of her. He rested his elbows on his knees and huffed more than once without looking away. "How should I start?" he asked more to himself than to Kagome, running his hand through his silvery-white hair once more. "You can't understand how difficult it is."
"You could... you could start at the beginning," she murmured weakly, unable to give him an encouraging smile. She was so nervous that, if she even dared to, it would come out more as a grimace.
He chuckled, not at all amused, repeating the previous gestures. "The beginning? And what is it? Damn. But, maybe yes, I could try it that way." He exhaled another breath. "Let's start from what I am."
Kagome looked at him, bewildered, tilting her head to the side. "Uh? A young man?" she asked, not understanding where he was going with this and appearing incredibly naive in the eyes of the hanyou, who struggled not to gape in astonishment.
"No," he shook his head, though he was partly heartened that she had not responded as he would have expected. "What," he reiterated. He pointed at himself as if it should be obvious — and it was to all but those who weren't accustomed to looking at the world through richly prejudiced lenses. "A half-demon."
"Oh," was Kagome's brilliant reply as she continued to look at him ignorantly, making him sweat. "Oh," she repeated. "Yes, you're the son of a demon and a human, but you're still a man, aren't you? As in, a male? You could have said it so earlier," she huffed, impatient, still not understanding.
Inuyasha opened his eyes wide. "What rock have you been living under so far? Do you realize you have been dealing with a bunch of racists every day?"
"Hey," she said, starting to get upset, "don't generalize now! Even if some turned out to be anything but trustworthy, not everyone was like that."
He burst out laughing. "You're defending them? Oh God, that's good. Man, it's not that you're good-hearted, you're just too naive to understand how the world goes on." He scrubbed a hand over his face. "I can't believe it."
"How dare you!" she retorted, offended. "You define yourself by 'what' and not 'who', denigrating yourself, and then I'm the dumb one? Excuse me if I still see some good in our world despite everything that has happened to me!" She crossed her arms and glared at him, waiting for him to respond in kind since apparently it was the only way they knew how to converse.
"Oh, for heaven's sake!" exclaimed Inuyasha. "Relax, I didn't mean to offend you."
"And what on earth did you mean?" she demanded, now on the warpath.
"Look, it's just that I've never met anyone who's ever responded to me like that other than my parents, alright? Do you know how many people in this castle insist I'm a mere mistake? I obviously take it for granted that everyone only sees me for it after two hundred years of this rant going on," he tried to explain.
Kagome huffed. "Weren't you the one who told me yesterday that I shouldn't jump to conclusions? And aren't you doing the same to me? Why should I be prejudiced too?"
He raised his hands in the air. "Alright, alright, I get it. Can we get back to the point now?"
"What point?" she continued, arching an eyebrow.
Inuyasha exhaled a deep breath and tried to keep his patience as the young woman was pressing all the right buttons to make him lose it. It was going to be quite a challenge. "Alright, let's start over, Kagome," he murmured. "I am a half-demon, yes, a child between a human and a demon, and I am glad that you're not prejudiced against me because of what I am-" She glared at him, and he rephrased, "who I am." Kagome nodded, and he resumed.
"Well then, who I am has nothing to do with why I led you to my home, nor do I intend to abandon you. I know that although I already reassured you last night, your doubts are still there; it's written all over your face. You don't even need to have a sense of smell like mine to understand your mood." She made to retort, but he raised a hand to signal her to wait. "However, I understand why, or rather, I'm currently plagued by similar thoughts that I hope you can resolve by the end of this conversation."
Kagome nodded a second time.
"As I told your grandfather before, I would never have left you at the mercy of that monster, even if I don't know you. I was sincere, and before you say it, no, it's not pity or guilt. My bastard of a half-brother's actions don't interest me or connect me to him in any way," he reiterated, remembering how she had been afraid that Inuyasha would want to continue the job Sesshomaru started.
"Well, excuse me if I still harbour suspicions anyway. After all, we don't know each other, we didn't get off on the right foot, and you have a temper that's not at all accommodating," she replied.
"Who's talking; you're no joke when it comes to bad temperament either." He shot her a look as if to say 'try to deny if you can', but Kagome remained half-open-mouthed, not finding the right words and Inuyasha replied with a satisfied smirk.
"Alright, alright, before we go back to insulting each other, let's get to the point," she encouraged him.
"It's not my fault you keep interrupting me," he teased her; she gave him a dirty look and Inuyasha laughed, then cleared his throat. "Okay, there's another reason." Then he paused because he realized that the moment of truth had come. Explaining the reason he had decided to take her with him meant being as blunt as his father had advised him to be, and he was tremendously afraid to do so. Him, afraid... yes. Kagome looked at him with a raised eyebrow as if to say, 'Well, what are you waiting for?', and he took another big breath. "There's a rule in our society, an unwritten one but taken for true by everyone given how often it happens — though, anyway, a demon's life is much longer than a human's, so the parameter for calculating frequency might change and..." But he was rambling, so he coughed and then continued. "Well... you see, it says that... and I don't know..." His cheeks turned as red as his robe, and he made to get up again and start walking nervously again, except to stop with his butt in midair and then sit back down. "It's not easy to tell you," he confessed without looking at her face.
She understood even if she still didn't get the emotion behind it. Wouldn't it have been just as difficult for her to confess what she was hiding? But how could she know that he was trying to reveal the same thing to her? They would have saved themselves so much embarrassment. Yet, their personality, so different and, in some ways, similar, clashed and prevented them from coming straight to the point.
"Well, it happens... this thing happens and, afterwards... afterwards, two people realise that…" He made yet another nervous gesture. "Oh, I mean, I'm not good at talking, all right, more so when important things are involved."
She giggled to defuse some of the tension. "That's ok, take your time."
"No, we don't have all the time in the world. I mean, it's a known truth among demons that when that thing happens, then you... you... you meet." He exhaled yet another breath, thinking 'there, I said it' when, in fact, he had explained nothing.
Kagome looked at him as if he had spoken in another language. "What happens? Who's meeting who?"
He opened his eyes wide. "Was that not clear?" She shook her head. "Oh, my god. You know, two people, when something bad happens, and well, to you... to you, it happened, and then we... then we..." Oh, for heaven's sake, why was he suddenly talking like a toddler?
"Oh," Kagome finally said, beginning to understand and turning beet red as tears stung the corners of her eyes.
"Do you understand?" he asked her hopefully, trying not to be influenced by the smell of her tears.
Kagome nodded. "I know. I know what you mean, but between humans it's rare. I almost always believed it was one of my grandfather's legends."
"All this time you've known? So, when we met in the clearing, you..."
"No, I didn't. I felt something and I had a hunch, but I was never sure. At least not until now. You're the one who confirmed it for me. How could it have been otherwise? Put yourself in my shoes; after everything that's happened to me and the way we met, how we keep bickering. What am I to believe?" she almost shouted, frustrated.
"Hey, hey, easy now. I'm not blaming you now!" Inuyasha raised his hands.
"Your eyes do!" she accused him, pointing her finger at him.
"Me? Do you realize what you're saying? You have the right to have doubts and I don't? All my life I've been told that no one would ever want a half-breed and that, therefore, there was no soulmate for me. Don't you think I have my insecurities too?" He raised his voice and then his father's words resonated in his mind, reminding him that, at the moment, Kagome was the most emotionally unstable and that continuing like that would do neither of them any good.
"Yes, well," she replied then. "What would you like to do? We're both in a mess, a huge one. What solution do we have left? You asked Grandpa for my hand to take me away from Onigumo — and I am grateful for it — but understand that I don't know and understand you. Your words don't match your gestures, and I constantly have different impressions and-"
"And it's the same for me," Inuyasha added.
"Oh, well," she huffed. At that rate, they would never come to any conclusion. So, what did it mean for them to know for sure that they were soulmates? That wasn't how it was supposed to be in the legends. Still, she should already know that nothing that was told in them was completely true.
"I only want one thing from you," he continued, stopping her. Kagome turned her head sharply. "Not that, for goodness's sake. Let's get this straight, shall we? My manners may not be the best — and I don't even care to talk the same pompous way some of you humans do — but respect is something else, and I am not and never will be insolent towards those who don't deserve it. So don't compare me to the wrong male examples you grew up with or-" Kagome burst out laughing, interrupting him.
"Hey, it was all your doing; I didn't mean that. And for your information, my male role models were great, the ones around a little less so. Besides, my fiancé was the perfect gentleman." Then, seeing the grimace that appeared on Inuyasha's face, she regretted mentioning Hojo.
"Well, I am not and never will be, but that doesn't mean I'm violent or disrespectful. All I want from you is the reassurance that you will never think that — whatever happens between us, whatever unites us, or will and won't be between us — I'm in the same league as that Onigumo. I also don't want you to settle or feel obligated to me, coerced, or any shit like that."
"I... I, Inuyasha, despite the way I've behaved so far due to everything that's happened to me — though I really don't want to make any excuses — I don't think you're like Onigumo; I couldn't possibly. As I have already told you, I am grateful for the chance you gave my family and me. But, you see, I don't know you; my life has been turned upside down. I cannot give you certainty because I have none myself."
The half-demon nodded, though he was not at all heartened. He averted his gaze and then made to rise, already considering the conversation over, when her slender hand stopped him. However, he did not turn around. "But, perhaps..." she resumed.
"But?" he repeated.
"Maybe we could do it together, I mean, get to know each other without rushing into anything? In theory, we're still betrothed. Fate brought us together, literally, but I don't want to throw myself into whatever this relationship is without knowing who the person next to me really is. Have you seen the way we've been acting so far? If we weren't doubting or ignorant about each other, none of this would be happening," she explained, hoping he would understand her hesitation. "I can't tell you what will become of us or if anything good will come out of this mess, but I can try. That's something, isn't it?"
Inuyasha exhaled a breath he didn't know he had been holding until that moment and finally turned to look at her again. Was that not rejection, then? Her gentle eyes seemed to tell him, no, and he wanted to trust her, feeling the grip around his heart loosen. "I'd like to," he finally confessed. "Without prejudice or expectations. You are here now, and I want to keep the promise I made to your grandfather."
"And I want to start on the right foot," she continued.
"And there's this feeling that makes my heart beat faster, this emotion I can't name, and these strings that pull me towards you. I don't know exactly what it is about this bond born when we first looked into each other's eyes, what it means to be your other half, but I don't think I could ever walk away and leave you without even trying. I'm afraid, and at the same time, I can't give up before I've even started."
Both of them omitted this last secret that they could not currently reveal, but inside they accepted whatever attraction they felt for each other. Although they still had a long way to go, they understood the significance of what they just agreed to. And then, it would also come the time for them to acknowledge what was hidden deep within their hearts.
Just as predicted, Tsubaki had no problem bringing the village chief to her side again, not when the latter was weak and lacking in judgement. Although at first, the man regarded Onigumo's disappearance as an exceptionally positive note, the priestess immediately made him aware of the repercussion this event could bring. She set out several possibilities, but above all, she made him understand the misfortune that still hovered over their community because of Kagome. If they did not act promptly, they would all suffer ill-fated consequences; there was no time to lose. She gave him her well-learned speech, peppered with big words and gestures as well as some of her magic, and fool Haruki became child's play. So much that she struggled to hide a wicked and calculating smirk, covering it with a mock pained expression.
And so, her plan proceeded smoothly.
She frightened him, encouraged him to act with haste, and then persuaded him to banish Kagome's family that very day.
At that point, she went with him and another small party to give them the news. Though, the expression the old fool bore when they acknowledged them was not as satisfying as that of the woman next to him; he hardened his features and held his head high and his back straight without showing how much it affected him. She wanted to scoff; she had always hated him.
"You're not giving us even the slightest bit of notice, Haruki?" he merely asked, as if he were discussing amusing things and not the fact that he had been kicked out of what had been his family's home for generations out of the blue.
"It is not up to me, Ichiro, but to external conditions. Unfortunately, what your-"
"My granddaughter has nothing to do with it, and we are all aware of that here. We have received your message, and within a few hours, we will leave this cursed village," he interrupted him abruptly. Then, he turned his back on him and signalled his daughter-in-law and grandson to enter the hut. "I hope you all can live peacefully and may the gods always have your backs," he finally said.
Tsubaki watched as many held their breath as if afraid the man might be able to curse them like his granddaughter and wished she could roll his eyes. That old man was playing with them, and they did not even realise it — but why did she care? The important thing was to drive them away and make sure Kagome got the piece of news wherever she was. And she didn't doubt that would happen.
Kagome had escaped and certainly hadn't done it alone; her family, however innocent they wanted to appear, had had a hand in it. This was what they deserved. Without them, Tsubaki would make another step forward and have one less troublemaker to worry about.
N/A: Although we're at the end of chapter six, in the story it's still the day after the first meeting between Inu and Kagome. When Tsubaki arrived at the headman's, he has just finished his meeting with Ichiro, whom Susumu also spied on, before reporting everything to his father. So Tsubaki and Onigumo almost clashed; she arrived in the clearing just shortly after father and son had left. I just wanted to clarify the timeline to avoid any misunderstanding.
Anyway, back to the real notes.
Inuyasha and Kagome, at this point, are still not in love — obviously — but I think they're at a good point. Since I don't want this to be the typical soulmate AU with the love at the first sight, I want them to work.
I hope you liked the chapter and look forward to hearing your thoughts.
