Pinch and a Kiss

AN: In the US at least, there's a tradition on St. Patrick's Day that if one does not wear green clothing on St. Patrick's Day, others are entitled to pinch that person. However, as I was taught, it's actually either a pinch or a kiss, with the majority opting to pinch, at least in my experience. Eric's thoughts are in italics, but Eric is also the narrator, which is separate from the thoughts. I wanted to post this tomorrow, but I won't have internet then, so you get this a day early.

March 17, 1980, 7AM

St. Patrick's Day

I woke up in my bed and sighed. The '80s were weird. While my parents had decided to remain in Point Place, everything else had changed. After New Years', Kelso had returned to Chicago, where he lived with Brooke and Betsy. After a kiss on New Years' Eve, Donna had gone off to Marquette and ignored my attempts to stay in touch, except for a perfunctory "Leave me alone, I'm busy!" postcard. Bob was fine in Florida-the bait business was booming-more retirees moving there meant more people fishing meaning a higher demand for bait. Fez and Jackie had lasted as a couple for all of five minutes before realizing that they were better off as friends and that Jackie's vaunted list had only seemed to apply to Fez-that he fulfilled her "perfect man" criteria was a coincidence, nothing more as she'd later told me. Fez and Jackie were still roommates though as their friendship seemed actually better without the sexual tension when I saw them. Fez was in school to become a hairdresser and was being kept quite busy with it. Hyde, though he technically still lived in the Basement, came and went. As it turns out, Leo really did own several Fotohuts, and, in addition to running the last Grooves, Hyde was helping him run them as well. More money for "film," I cynically mused. Also, according to him, he was trying to avoid Jackie-he realized that they didn't really work as a couple, and the whole Samantha incident didn't exactly please Jackie to put it mildly, so he was giving her space. Jackie, for her part, was working in television again. She'd somehow managed to parlay her previous experiences into getting another public access show. I'd watched it, it wasn't not bad. A more mature version of her previous show. I didn't really see the Gang all that often, except for, ironically, Jackie, considering how we got along, or didn't, most of the time. These days, it was back to the usual, if anything she's gotten even more snarky with me, if that's even possible.

Part of the problem was my schedule. When I wasn't helping Red around the house, I was working at Pricemart for room & board money for the fall. The new manager knew why I was fired the last time and didn't care, so I was back stocking shelves. I was also taking some gen ed classes at the community college now to save money, so, once again, homework was a thing for me. The days were turning into a numb blur, which was good, since it didn't give me much time to think, except for then, just after I woke up each day. Donna…after everything..I'd thought we'd work it out, somehow. At least that's what I tried to tell myself. Other times…I just didn't see how we could work past the fact that both of us wanted different things. At least she could have been nicer about it…maybe it was her way of trying to shield herself from becoming a couple again…I didn't know. It was certainly better than the alternative, I guess. On the plus side, at least there was a new Star Wars movie coming out in a couple months.

I got up and changed into my day clothes-khakis and a blue plaid shirt. I then headed downstairs for breakfast with Mom and Red. Mom was the same as always, though she was a bit more menopausal after Schatzie ran off. I guess he had really helped. I hadn't been home more than two minutes when Red had given the first "foot in ass" remark of the new decade, this time about what I was going to do with my life. Since I was so busy in the following months, he'd been quieter around me, which I was certainly okay with. After I got ready for the day, I walked down the stairs through the living room and into the kitchen. Mom was cooking breakfast, and Red was sitting at the table. We had a quiet breakfast before I headed off to the community college.

It was the day that wouldn't die. I was taking three classes at the community college to burn off some of the basic requirements before I went to UW that fall. English, U.S. History, and Calculus. After two pop quizzes and a test, I was pretty burnt out, though I think I did pretty well. Annnnnd people were pinching me in the halls…what were we, twelve? Okay, so it's St. Patrick's Day and I'm not wearing green…oooh...so what? After dealing with all that teenage crap, I went to Pricemart. At least there, I wore a uniform. On the other hand, me and the other stockboys were constantly restocking the alcohol and dealing with dumbass teenagers trying to steal or buy it, even though both were illegal. A few years before, that might have been me and the Gang, though, technically it wasn't illegal for Kelso to buy it a year early. I was a little bitter about that, even years later. Anyway, after that exhausting shift, I barely got home in time for dinner. I came in through the back door into the kitchen to again see Mom cooking and, at the table, Red and…Jackie were sitting at the table talking. Once more into the breach, I thought. Though she did look quite nice in that dark green dress, not that I'd tell her.

"Hi, honey," said Mom, who (rightly) thought I looked a little haggard.

"Hi, Mom," I replied before I went to wash my hands.

When I returned, I sat down at the table. Talk about a no-win scenario-should I sit next to Red or Jackie? Oh, what the hell, I thought and sat down next to Jackie. "Son," said Red.

"Dad," I replied.

"Nerdboy," said Jackie.

"Devil," I coolly replied, mentally bracing myself for next volley between us, but, that day, Red decided to be the one to start.

"You didn't get to the gutters today," said Red. Between school, my job, and the limited amount of daylight at that time of year, I just didn't have the time. Yes, they were getting clogged from all the junk being washed into them from the snowmelt, but I wasn't doing that in the dark.

"If only there were two of me…" I replied.

"I'd need another foot to stick up your second ass," said Red.

"I love you too, Daddy," I said, trying to be cute.

"Shut it," replied Red.

I'm home alright, I thought.

"How'd it go today, honey?" asked Mom from the stove.

"Uggh…a test, two pop quizzes, and some dumbass teenagers trying to steal beer…"

Jackie laughed.

"Not having to deal with that I crap is one reason I am so glad to be retired," said Red.

"And people pinching me because I wasn't wearing green…"

"Well, son it's your own fault…" said Red. Mom laughed in her unique way.

"Green's more your color anyway, Eric. And plaid…Eric, you aren't a lumberjack-stop dressing like one," said Jackie.

"At least I don't peddle smutty gossip to an unsuspecting Point Place," I smarmily replied.

"Oh, Eric, you do watch my show!" said Jackie. Leave it to her to see that as a compliment.

Red gave me a look that said "Really?!"

"Why are you here?" I asked Jackie.

Mom spoke from the stove, "Hush, Eric, she's a delight to have around, especially with Donna and Laurie…"

We'd heard from Laurie shortly after the New Year. She was still dancing in Canada, with no intention of returning home anytime soon.

"And she knows her way around a flashlight," said Red.

And yet someone else my parents like more than me-Laurie, Hyde, now, Jackie, my nemesis, though now it's more like we're nasty to each other just for the sake of being nasty rather than any actual reason. At least Kelso wasn't still around to yell, "BURN!"

"Ha ha," I replied sarcastically. We then had dinner without any other trouble.

As mom cleaned up the dishes, Jackie went to the Living Room to watch TV with Red, and I went to my room to work on my homework while sitting on my bed. I'd finished my math homework and was starting work on a creative writing assignment for English when there was a knock at the door. "Come in," I said, not looking up from my brainstorming.

The door opened, I heard a few steps, and it closed again, followed by more footsteps.

"Eric," said Jackie. I looked up to see her. Here we go again, I thought.

"Your mom finished with the dishes, and I got the impression she and your dad wanted to be alone."

Ugggh. I knew what that meant. Saw it, nearly went crazy because of it. "So…."

"So…what are you doing?"

"We have to write a story based on a picture we chose in class. I chose a picture, and now I'm just brainstorming ideas."

"What picture did you choose? Some Star Trek Wars thingy?"

"Ha ha. First, actually, it's just Star Wars. "

"Eric, no one cares."

Ignoring her comment, I continued, "Anyway, I chose a picture of house that's being launched into space."

Jackie rolled her eyes before she said, "Listen, Eric, I know, I've probably been more of a bitch than usual…"

"I hadn't noticed," I replied sarcastically with an eyeroll of my own.

Jackie growled and said in a warning tone, "Eric, I'm trying to be nice…"

"Okay, okay…" I really didn't need a kick to the shins.

"I know we've been spending a little more time together this year…"

"Only because everyone else is either busy or gone…"

"True, but it has been an interesting experience," said Jackie.

Okay, she has a strange definition of "interesting," I thought.

"Someone may have told you about a list I made last year…"

"Hyde said something about the perfect man…"

"Yeah…in retrospect, in really wasn't him, or Michael, or even Fez, but I've been thinking lately, and it might be about someone else…"

"Who?" I asked. I was genuinely curious. Hyde hadn't mentioned details about the content of the list-the subject had come up in passing when he was criticizing her, worse, actually than before they dated, which was saying something. It was easier for him to criticize her now, since they weren't around each other much, and, so, no one would have to intervene to break up the inevitable resulting fight.

"Well, he has to be a gentleman, have a good sense of humor, give me compliments, buy me presents, and come when I call."

"Oh," I said uneasily, getting a sinking feeling about where she was going.

"And he also has to have an interest in women's shoes."

Huh.…most of those qualities could be me, I thought. But Jackie would never be interested in me, would she? Do we really hate each other? Wait, should I have been with her all along? How would things have been different? Donna…was that whole relationship a waste? No, I did learn a lot, however painfully. Would I be willing to fake an interest in shoes? For a pretty girl.…Hyde was certainly right about that, dammit.

"Know anyone like that?" she asked me.

Drawing the conclusion, I asked in turn, "But…I thought we hated each other?"

Jackie looked saddened and sighed, "Listen, Eric, I've had a lot of time to think about relationships, especially after Fez and me broke up…I think I was in denial, and over the past few years I've been projecting my insecurities by 'hating' you. Have things really been so bad that you actually hate me?"

I remembered all that we'd gone through-from being supportive when she thought she was pregnant with Kelso's kid through agreeing about Laurie and supporting her with the public access show all the way to when she called me just before I left for Africa. Yeah, she burned me-like after the incident with the Cheese Guy, but I burned her back too. We actually were friends after all. Huh…Okay, so now I was friends with a girl, a pretty girl (thank you Hyde), and we both want the same things in relationships. Unfortunately, this revelation took a few seconds.

"I guess you do. I'll be going now." She started to get off the bed.

"No, I'm sorry-it just took a few seconds for me to think through everything." She sat back down. "I guess we really are friends."

"But what about…"

The million dollar question. To be or not to be. Screw it, who cares what everyone thinks, what we should be.

"If you wanna try, I think I'd be willing to see where this goes…" I replied.

"That's what I was hoping to hear," Jackie replied. We looked into each other's eyes for a moment, and then she continued, "Just to cover all my bases," as she reached over to pinch me on the ass then she kissed me on the lips.

Wow, I thought, the guys weren't kidding about her, I thought. I guess I won't follow the tradition next year either.

Years Later…

"And that, kids, is how your mom and me started dating, with pinch and a kiss..."

AN: When Eric was thinking "here we go again," I originally wanted him to think the lyrics to the song Here We go Again by the Isley Brothers, but I know it isn't allowed to use song lyrics in works and the song wasn't actually released until a month after this story is set. As to why Eric would tell his kids about a somewhat sexually charged moment, well, Ted Mosby spent eight seasons telling his kids about all his hookups, so I figured that this would be considerably less unacceptable.