It was warm. The early morning sun just barely touched the horizon and rays of light cut through the rows upon rows of apple trees. A barely-there mist hung close to the ground, an attempt, perhaps foolish, maybe desperate, to cling to the ground for just that little bit longer before the heat of the day settled upon the lands.
Alexandria took in a deep breath, the air crisp as it filled her senses. She sat atop a horse, her steed eager to set off along the path, to follow the small convoy of warriors and others that had been selected. But she remained where she was for a moment longer.
Behind her stretched rows of apple trees, ones she had walked by for a decade without too much worry, without too much care for what existed outside her small little world. That was the way things had been, that was the way things would have always been. Until they weren't.
Her home she had lived within sat nestled in the distance, if she squinted she thought she could see a servant or two walking by as they continued along, perhaps in conversation, perhaps focused on their morning tasks. A bird flit across her vision, she watched it dive before flying up into the sky upon a gust of wind. Maybe a squirrel or two danced between the blades of grass, up an apple tree and jumped from branch to branch before they found whatever it was they searched for.
And Alexandria felt an emotion she couldn't quite place fill her heart, something so foreign, so unfamiliar that it made her heart beat a little more strongly in her chest. She bit her lip and she tried to settle her breathing as she looked forward, at the procession as it continued to move forward slowly.
This was the furthest she had ever dared to set foot since coming to live in the homestead. It was the furthest she had ever expected to be able to travel. It was as much a self imposed restriction as it was a prison, something she knew for her own safety as much as it was for the safety of all who called the forests home.
A gentle huffed woof sounded out beside her and she looked down to find Brutus looking up at her, his head cocked to the side, eyes ever inquisitive as he took in her emotions.
She smiled, something sad, something gentle and timid.
"I know," she said quietly.
Alexandria turned back to look upon those that already continued on their path forward. She eyed Eamon sitting on the cart beside Agamemnon, both men in quiet conversation, Eamon's presence as much a physical comfort to Agamemnon as it was emotional support. She didn't even know how Athena had convinced Agamemnon to agree to leave, to be seen by Skaikru. She had thought him to be the least likely to accept the offer. But still, she wouldn't question it too hard lest it somehow sway her from taking that single leap of faith.
But Alexandria's gaze fell upon Clarke who had pulled her horse, River, aside, who looked back at her with concern and understanding and so many other emotions. For a moment she wondered just when she had become so good at reading the emotions in Clarke's eyes before she shook her head and cleared her mind.
Later there would be time for thoughts, quiet introspective conversations and doubts.
And so Alexandria turned to look just once more at her home as if to say goodbye to an old friend, to promise that she would return with renewed understanding. She'd be back, but for some reason she thought herself about to end yet another chapter of her life.
And with that Alexandria clicked her tongue, her horse happy to follow those before it as Brutus fell into stride next to her, his presence ever loyal, ever there and comforting.
Clarke sat atop River as they rode through the lands at a gentle trot. It would take a few days to reach Ton DC, a day or two more to arrive at Arkadia and she wondered what it would be like to see old familiar faces again. She couldn't remember the last time she had seen anyone. It had been years, three, four, maybe even five, she didn't quite know. There were times when she had considered making the trip, but memories of expectations, decisions needed to be made and the lives of so many people had always stayed her hand, had always made her reconsider visiting.
She peered over her shoulder subtly and back at Alexandria who seemed content to hang back a little. Clarke could see she was taking in the lands, maybe she felt more free to do so when she thought no one would notice her awe at what must have been a surreal experience. Clarke didn't blame her though. She thought it must have been so strange to ride through forests when the last memory of them would have been of reapers and mountain men and acid fog.
Clarke sighed as she turned forward lest Alexandria catch her looking. She wished to give her space, the time to come to terms with what was now happening, especially now that they were travelling through what was unfamiliar lands and times.
Her conversation with Clarke weighed on her mind. Of course she had thought about the things that were said, but as they now rode through the forests she had time to let it sink in, to let them settle within her mind more than they had before.
Clarke knew emotions were complex, perhaps more complicated than she would ever understand. But they were real. And perhaps her conversation with Clarke had been what she had needed to really grasp the idea behind her feelings, her memories, her hurts. She thought she'd always see bits of Lexa in Alexandria, in the way her chin lifted, in the way an eyebrow would twitch or the way she would stare with purposeful poise even subconsciously. She thought it ironic that it had taken herself to guide her to the realisation that Alexandria was no less the woman she had fallen in love with so many years ago. She thought it bittersweet that Clarke and Lexa had their time together, and she thought it perhaps both fair and unfair that it had taken her this long to find Alexandria again.
And yet there was Athena, someone who she had grown comfortable around, who she had helped guide, offer suggestion when it was asked for, and support when it was needed. She didn't know if she knew how to navigate her emotions when it came to Athena, she didn't know how to navigate her emotions when it came to Lexa, to all of them. Maybe the only thing she needed to do was to talk. To understand.
She didn't realise she had guided river towards her mother until Abby turned at her approach, her eyes shadowed from a gentle fatigue, her gaze keen as she took in those around her.
"Hey," Clarke said, her voice just loud enough that her mother would hear, the quiet conversation that moved between all those present seemingly loathe to break the quiet calmness of the forest.
"Clarke," Abby said with a small smile as she pulled her horse into stride next to River.
"Thank you for helping," Clarke said, her previous thoughts pushed aside, there would be time for quiet reflection at a later date.
"Of course," Abby said and she smiled, the expression tight, strained from that same fatigue that tinged her face.
Abby remained quiet for a moment then and Clarke knew her mother was trying to think of how to voice whatever thoughts had come to coalesce within her mind. She could tell her mother had questions, thoughts to voice, but she also knew her mother understood the sensitivity of the subject that she had been exposed to.
"I was such a fool," Abby said quietly, her words surprising. "When I think back to when we first came to the ground, when we first realised we weren't the only ones here," and she lifted a hand and gestured around. "I wish I could go back in time and slap the woman I was in the face," she laughed a quiet laugh, something a little full of scorn and bitterness. "I think it would have saved all of us some trouble," and abby shrugged a shoulder. "I thought we were better, that we knew better," and Abby sighed. "I was so wrong."
Clarke didn't need to push, didn't need to pry. Her mother could be speaking of so many things that it would take her hours to guess them all. But she understood.
"I think we all made mistakes," Clarke said just as quietly. "Ones that were obvious in that moment but we did them anyway, ones that only became obvious months, years later."
Abby hummed something quiet as she looked away in thought, her mind clearly organising whatever things in her mind into something more concrete.
"Agamemnon is ill," Abby said eventually. "Of course you know that already," she paused.
"I'm not going to ask for specifics," Clarke said, she understood both Athena's need for complete discretion and also the simple fact that doctors shouldn't share anything about their patients without express permission.
"I didn't think you would," Abby said. "But considering you've been caring for him, I assumed you would have a better grasp of the situation than the others."
"Yeah," Clarke said as she chewed her lip and frowned, the worry slowly building in the back of her mind an old familiar friend.
"You might have to take on a more prominent role in his care," it was simple, said straightforwardly and for some reason it didn't surprise her to hear those words.
"I understand," Clarke said. Again for some reason that revelation didn't surprise her either, perhaps subconsciously she had anticipated and already accepted her role as carer. She thought it fitting, too, that in retirement her role as Wanheda was hard to shake free, to be the one to care for an ageing former Commander in his last moments.
"How are you?" Abby asked then, the change of topic slightly abrupt.
Clarke smiled at her mother a little more freely as she shrugged a shoulder.
"I'm ok," Clarke said. "I've been better," and she had, when she hadn't felt burdened by the world, burdened by responsibilities and emotions and memories long since embedded into her mind.
"I think we all have," Abby answered with a small smile. "Arkadia will surprise you," Abby added. "We've built it out a lot more since last time you visited," and this time Clarke found that her mother's smile touched the corners of her eyes little more freely. "We look more like any other settlement or town or village now," she paused for a moment as if to think. "Before, there was always more technology present, always an obvious difference that you could feel."
"But not anymore," Clarke added and she remembered what Ton DC looked like, how Polis had always built on top of ancient ruins, how grounders had scavenged and turned what was once broken ruins into something beautiful and tamed.
"Not anymore," Abby echoed. "I don't know if it was a conscious effort of everyone in Skaikru, or if it was always destined to be," she said. "But it happened and soon enough I don't think many would be able to tell the difference between Arkadia and any other village in Trikru territory."
Clarke smiled as she imagined what it would be like, and she found herself actually feeling a little excited to see it with her own eyes after so long.
"I'm sorry I stayed away for so long," she said eventually.
Abby turned to look at her more purposefully, her gaze kind and gentle.
"Don't be, Clarke," she said. "You needed time. Anyone would understand."
"Yeah," Clarke said. "But still. I'm sorry it's been so long."
Alexandria couldn't sleep. This was the first time in a very, very long time that she had slept in anything other than her bed in the homestead. It felt odd, strange, so unfamiliar to her and she thought herself a child doing something she shouldn't lest her parents catch her.
But she wasn't a child.
She stared up at the roof of her small tent, her mind wandering her eyes unable to focus on one thing for too long. The moonlight that broke through the cracks in the tent above her showed glimpses of the stars, of the clouds that drifted upon the wind. If she focused long enough she even found herself spying a bird or two that danced through the night's sky.
Alexandria sat, the furs piling around her waist. She rubbed her eyes to remove what little sleep dared to cling to her weary face and she took a moment to consider something, anything else.
But whatever calm that was sought eluded her and so she rose. Alexandria dressed quietly, the clothes she wore the same she always did. She tucked a small knife into its place on her hip, its presence more out of habit than a need to keep herself protected and then she slipped out from her tent.
The night was quiet and dark. A gentle campfire burned in the centre of the tents, a few warriors milled about, some on watch and patrolling the perimeter that she could see through the trees, others who simply couldn't sleep.
Alexandria nodded to one of the guards who stood close by, the man already falling into step slightly behind her. She knew she would be accompanied wherever she went, she had accepted that long ago. She wasn't even in the mood to take further risks than she thought she already was. But she couldn't help but to wonder what it must have been like to have been followed everywhere she went when she was Commander, when she had the responsibility and the lives of so many people on her shoulders.
She pushed aside those thoughts as she slowly began to pick her way through the camp. It was mostly a small clearing set just a little away from the forest's edge that sat atop a plateau. Down below was a valley of rolling hills, trees, a snaking river and in the far distance she could see a Mountain, something she had seen years and years ago, whose memories were long embedded in her mind.
A fallen tree lay in the midst of a sea of grass, its bark weathered, old, beaten by the wind. Moss covered its surface and appeared to be consuming it whole as if it sought to drag it down into the earthy depths of the forest.
Alexandria thought it was beautiful, beautiful in picture, beautiful in scene, beautiful for the memories it conjured and beautiful for the memories she knew were lost to her forever.
The guard with her seemed to understand her desire for solitude for she felt him come to a stop by a large tree as she continued forward. She came to sit upon the fallen tree trunk, the moss soft beneath her as she gazed out across the lands.
The moon gave enough light that she could see the swaying of trees in the distance that stretched out below her. It danced and sparkled off the flowing river and she wondered what it must be like to be walk through those forests without fear of reaper or mountain man or acid fog. Slowly, as she took in the lands, memories of her time as a nightblood began to come to her.
She remembered training, she remembered Gustus and his ever-there presence. She remembered Anya, a mentor she knew had died to bring peace to the lands. And she remembered what it had felt like preparing to take the flame, to ascend the throne. And then there had been nothing.
So many uncertainties lingered within her. She thought it only natural, too. Only natural to want answers, to want clarifications and understandings of how things had come to be. Of how things were. She thought she had so long ago come to accept her place in the world and yet Clarke's appearance had shaken those beliefs, revealed her doubts and made her want to question so much more.
She didn't think it fair, not fair to her, not fair to Clarke, to blame her for her own doubts. But she knew she would need to confront it one day. Or it would tear her apart, drag her down into the depths of despair and hopelessness.
And yet Alexandria found herself thinking of what Lexa had said. Of how she had told her that they were the same person, that they had the same goals before taking the flame, that she was still that same person even despite not remembering.
It felt strange to listen to those things, it felt more strange to accept them. But as she remembered the spoken words she didn't think Lexa lied. Or at least she thought Lexa truly believed the things she said.
Perhaps coming with Agamemnon and visiting the lands, Athena's offer and all the things now shared to her was the first of many steps she would take for the rest of her life that would help explain away her doubts, explain her place in the world. Perhap—
She felt a presence slowly approaching, one that was timid, trepidatious, cautious. Familiar.
Alexandria turned to find Clarke standing not too far from where she sat atop the moss covered tree trunk. Across Clarke's shoulders was a large fur blanket that helps chase away the cool of the night, her hair was sleep tussled but her eyes awake, kind, cautious in the dark.
"I didn't mean to disturb you," Clarke's voice was quiet. "I didn't notice you at first, I just—"
"It is ok," Alexandria said and she let her hand slowly settle upon a spot next to her, an offer for Clarke to join her spoken in silence.
"You couldn't sleep?" Clarke asked as she settled herself by her side, her chin tucked into the furs.
"No," Alexandria said as she peered at Clarke's profile for a moment longer before turning back to the valley sprawled out below them. "It has been a very long time since I have slept in a bed other than my own in the Homestead," it was a simple revelation she thought open enough for further thought, careful enough not to broach any topic too forcefully.
"Yeah," Clarke said. "I can relate."
Alexandria fell quiet as she let Clarke's words settle in the quiet between them. In that silence she looked at the Mountain in the far distance and she wondered what Clarke must be thinking. She wondered if Clarke thought of the Mountain's fall, of the battles that must have happened, of the death and destruction that had been wrought down upon both their peoples.
"Once," Alexandria began. "My people would never have dared to move through the forests so easily as we have done these last few days. Especially with how close we are to the Mountain."
Clarke didn't say anything and Alexandria wondered if it was because Clarke had nothing to say, or if she wished to give her time to continue, if she was afraid of breaking whatever it was that had formed between them in that moment.
"I guess that is our doing," Alexandria said.
"Yeah. I guess it is," Clarke's voice was quiet and Alexandria glanced at her to find the other woman looking at her cautiously, her gaze guarded, careful in the moonlight.
Alexandria knew there was more to the story, from the things Clarke had and hadn't said. And maybe, after the weeks and weeks and weeks of having Clarke near, she thought herself ready to ask, to have at least some of the answers to her questions.
And so Alexandria looked at Clarke's face more purposefully, she let herself get lost in the vibrancy of blue that met her gaze and she swallowed just once before she spoke.
"Tell me about us."
