CW: suicide
In a dark, foggy haze, Remus walked across the grounds to the stables behind Hagrid's garden where the gamekeeper had once raised hippogriff foals. With a muttered "Colloportus," he locked himself inside and huddled in a hay-covered corner, trembling all over.
Steadying his breaths, Remus reached into the pocket of his robes and pulled out a little flask of Augenda Potion, unscrewing its top to release its sickly-sweet odor and fighting back a sudden, intense wave of nausea—whether it was instigated by the potion or what he was about to do with it, Remus wasn't sure.
The day they'd been set to brew Augenda Potion last year, Professor Slughorn had discretely pulled Remus aside before class and told him that he was excused for the day. Though Remus was happy to have a free pass out of his least favorite class, he'd been very curious as to why until he'd looked up the potion in his textbook: Augenda Potion, a simple brew meant to temporarily enhance the senses, was known to be lethal if ingested by a werewolf. Centuries ago, when the Ministry was less scrupulous about how it contained the spread of lycanthropy, wizards had been known to slip a bit of the potion into the drinking glasses of suspected werewolves. Remus had been horrified to learn it—but now, after everything that had happened with him and Snape, he wasn't so sure those wizards had had the wrong idea.
He could remember everything from that night, every scent and scream and spell—the wolf's bloodlust had been stronger than ever before with human prey so close to it, almost unbearable…. And Snape had looked at Remus the way he'd always feared people would look at him, the way they looked at him in his nightmares, with fear and disgust…and James had been afraid of him too, the valiant, dauntless James Potter…. Remus had never felt more like a monster than he had when he woke up from it all. He'd almost killed—he'd wanted to kill.
More than anything, Remus felt sure of one fact: if he didn't end his life now, someone else was going to wind up dead instead. There was only one way to slay the beast within him, and he was going to do it. He had to do it.
"Alohomora!" The door to the stables clicked open, and in stepped Sirius, the very last person Remus wanted to see. His head was still wrapped in bandages, and he had disheveled hair and deep bags under his eyes from lack of sleep, but somehow he was still ridiculously handsome. He was too handsome; he was handsome in a way that made it all too easy to ignore the flaws within him. Deep down, Remus had always known there was a darkness in Sirius that was stronger than anything in himself or Peter or James, the kind of darkness that would bring him to send Snape to his death without a second thought.
Sirius's eyes flitted to the flask in Remus's trembling hand. "Moony, please don't tell me you're doing what I think you're doing."
"You can't stop me." Remus could barely force out the words. "How did you find me?"
"I followed your scent. I was worried you'd try to do something after you got out of the hospital wing. Remus, what is that potion?"
"Augenda," he whispered. "I stole it from Slughorn's stores."
"The potion that kills werewolves?"
"The potion that kills monsters before they kill innocent wizards."
"Shit, Remus." Sirius's gray eyes were wide with horror. He stepped forward, wanting to reach Remus but not daring to get too close. "I'm the monster here, not you. I'm the one who sent Snape after you."
"I wanted to kill him, Sirius. I wanted to kill him more than I've ever wanted anything else. Him and James. One of my best friends in the world…how can I even look at them now? How, Sirius?" Finally his voice was rising from its whisper, uplifted by Remus's anger. "And how could you do that to me? How could you turn me into a killer just to get rid of some poor boy you can't manage to leave alone? How could you do that, Sirius?" Sirius, the boy who had called him amazing and beautiful and kissed Remus so hard and so fiercely it made everything wrong inside of him feel right. Of all people, it was Sirius who'd brought out the monster in him.
"I don't know, Moony, I don't know…I wasn't thinking, I was so angry…I know you'll never forgive me, and you shouldn't ever forgive me, but Moony…if you drink that, you'll be killing me, too."
Remus could tell from the look in his eyes that he meant it. He thought of Sirius, and Peter and James, standing over his lifeless body, knowing exactly what he'd done and why he'd done it. He thought of his father, who'd lost the love of his life only eighteen months ago, getting an owl from the school…. What had he been thinking? He couldn't add to any of their pain; it would only make things worse.
Before he could change his mind, Remus threw the flask of Augenda Potion against the wall, watching it spill its contents out into the hay. Sirius let out a deep, relieved sigh behind him.
"Moony—"
Remus couldn't listen to him anymore. "I got rid of it," he growled. "Leave me alone now, Sirius."
"Moony, I just—I want to tell you—"
"I don't want to hear it." Remus pulled out his wand. He would force Sirius away if he had to; he had enough anger and betrayal mixed within the self-disgust in his veins to cast any spell he needed. "Leave me alone."
Sirius didn't press him any further. He gave Remus one final, horribly sad look, tears welling in his eyes. Then he turned and left the stables, trudging back across the grounds with his head in his hands.
Remus watched him go until his dark figure vanished over the crest of a hill. Then he slumped back against the hay, his eyes glued to the spilled potion he'd nearly let take his life, and let out a sob loud and pained and miserable enough to shake the walls around him.
Chapter Management