Chapter 2: The Detestosteronective

"Ryuzaki, hello?"

L snapped out of his trance and took off his headphones.

"Yes, Mr. Yagami?"

"What were you doing?"

"Sorry, I was busy listening to Cavetown's complete discography. Let's get back to the case at hand. So, I've decided to go into Light's future campus, to see what might be up with him."

"I'm telling you, my son can't be Kira. He's definitely MY SON and could not possibly be different to the fashion in which I had raised him."

"Well, the evidence doesn't point in that direction. An ordinary son would have masturbated dozens of times a day with the cameras we set up. It seems he's distracted by something."

"Look, I think there's a good chance he's just a homo, Ryuzaki. I don't care about that. He might end up with you when this is over."

"Mr. Yagami, I'm 23."

"He seemed really obsessed with "daddy" characters so he'd be fine. I don't know what the body pillow of Omniman was about, but the mustache looks weirdly similar to me and I don't like it much."

"Well, regardless of Light's twinkish, lithe body and face, the fact remains that we have to be careful going forward here. Any one of us could be at risk."

"I agree, Ryuzaki, in fact-"

L shot a needle directly into his thigh and then immediately covered the injection point.

"Are you actually just a fucking heroin addict?"

"No, this is my testos-, err, 100% biological male insulin shot to prevent me from dying from diabetes."

L's voice immediately dropped 2 half steps after this.

"Well, Mr. Yagami, I'm going to go do more research into potential leads in the case."

L carried a bottle of lotion and an entire pack of tissues into his room.

"What are you using those for?"

"Well, I care deeply about my skincare and I'm going to have Elliot Smith on with headphones."

L stayed in his room for the next 7 hours. He was absolutely silent besides occasionally saying "Wait, I thought it couldn't do this anymore" to nobody in particular. The bottle and tissue pack were completely empty by the next morning.

"Light, is there a particular reason that you've started stealing both your father's hair loss medication and your mother's anti-menopause medication?"

"Of course I haven't, that's silly!"

The pill bottles quickly rolled onto the floor from the hole Light had cut into her bed, and she stuffed them back in.

"In a few days college will begin and with it a chance to get railed by hot gu- secure my position of god of the new world."

"You know, I find the typos when you make prisoners scrawl "goddess" instead of "god" with their blood a bit curious."

"Those never happen, the goddess of the new world is too smart to avoid typos or freudian slips."

"You know, Mr. Yagami, your son spends a lot of time with his head in his pillow in an agonized expression. I don't take it as a sign of guiltiness, if he is Kira, I'm certain he's sure enough in his moral convictions to not concern himself with such things. It is odd though, how our audio detectors have picked up on him saying "Why wasn't I born a girl" numerous times. Can't say I relate."

Light cuddled her blahaj, telling it of the truth of her divinity and supreme virtue and fell asleep while in the 5th paragraph.