Remus slammed the door to 12 Grimmauld Place, so full of anger his ears were ringing. He nearly forgot to Apparate away before descending the steps; he reappeared in a backyard garden a couple of streets down and sunk to his knees amongst the flowers, grabbing at his temples. A coward, Harry had called him…Tonks had called him the same thing once, he remembered, the day she had admitted her feelings for him and he'd pretended not to understand her.
Remus was many things, but a coward wasn't one of them. He'd just offered to join the most wanted wizard in the country on a mission he didn't even understand—he would give his life for Harry or any of his friends without a second's thought. How could he possibly be a coward?
He shook his head, trying to clear his mind and focus. He needed to get out of Islington; the Death Eaters searching for Harry were still close by, and he knew it wouldn't be long before someone found him crouching in a local Muggle's garden. Also, he was very much in need of a drink.
Forcing himself back onto his feet, Remus Disapparated once again, this time rematerializing just outside the Leaky Cauldron. He let himself in and promptly ordered a flagon of Moly vodka, taking it to a rickety beer-spattered table in a corner and making it clear to the pub's few guests through his body language that he did not want to be messed with.
He shouldn't have lashed out at Harry when he'd insulted him; he realized that now. Harry would be fine—the hex he'd used had been a simple Banishing Charm—but still, he wasn't sure what had come over him, why he had gotten so angry at someone he cared so much about.
Maybe it's because you know he's right, a part of him whispered.
As he sat and drank, Remus found himself thinking of James during the months after he'd learned of the prophecy about Harry, how much he'd loathed being hidden away in Godric's Hollow while the rest of the Marauders were away on missions for the Order. But he'd stayed anyway; James had never dreamed of leaving Lily and Harry to go off on his own. Then Remus thought of his own parents, moving from place to place to keep him safe and never once complaining. The Lupins and the Potters had sacrificed so much to keep their families together; why could he not do the same?
As much as he'd tried to deny it, he loved Tonks, and he would love their child, too. He had never imagined he'd be a father, but now that Tonks was pregnant, he owed his son or daughter all the support and acceptance he'd received from his friends and his own parents, who had stuck with him always despite the monster he often became. He had abandoned his future baby out of fear that they would be like he was, something that no one in his life had ever done to him. He let out a deep, mournful sigh; he really was a coward.
It's not too late, he thought, setting down his flagon as guilt and shame welled up within him. You can still fix this, or at least try to.
Nodding to himself and forcing back his doubts, Remus slipped off his stool, gave a quick nod to Tom the bartender, and left his half-finished drink behind to return home to his family.
It took Remus about thirty minutes of standing silently in the darkness to work up enough nerve to knock at the door to Tonks's family's house. Once he finally did, he heard a soft shuffling coming from inside, followed by the pattering of footsteps down the stairs. He stepped backwards, bracing himself, as Tonks pulled open the door and took in the man waiting on her front porch, still smelling faintly of alcohol.
Remus had only left her about a week ago, but already he could see the toll his abandonment had taken on his wife: her hair had returned to the dull brown it had been before they had married, and her eyes were reddened and baggy from lack of sleep. Once again, he had hurt her in a way that only he was able to. It rent his heart to see it.
For a long moment, neither of them moved or spoke. Remus had no idea what to say; "I'm sorry" wasn't nearly enough to make up for what he'd done. "I will never leave your side again," he should promise her, or "I will love our child no matter what they turn out to be," or "You and the baby are two of the greatest things to ever happen to me, and keeping you safe will be my first priority for the rest of my life."
But before he had the chance to say any of those things, Tonks leapt forward and threw her arms around him, her nightgown fluttering around her as she began to sob with joy. Remus hugged her back and kissed her, all his words and emotions spilling out of him as tears of his own. He didn't deserve his wife, nor the love that she had for him, but he knew he would dedicate his life to trying to live up to it.
"I knew you'd come back," Tonks whispered softly into his hair, shaken and startled but firm with conviction. "I always knew."
