November 1, 1998
"Explain yourself."
"It seemed like a good idea at the time," Draco told his glaring godfather as he made a feeble attempt to smooth over a situation that was likely becoming Hogwarts legend at that very moment.
"Draco."
"Okay, it didn't seem like a good idea, but I thought it would be fine. Pansy was supposed to be in a tutoring session with Theo," Draco took a moment to glare over at his beaming best friend, "For another hour."
"Pansy was all caught up with our studies, what did you want me to do, Draco? Strap her down? I could, but she is your fiance and I'd never do that to you."
"Oh, but you'll help her catch me with Granger. Theo, I'm gonna beat your arse the next time I get the chance."
At this, the boys' head of house sighed and put his hands up, "That's really quite enough, boys. I realize you've gone through a lot this year, but you're all still on probation. You remember the big building with all the dementors you spent your summer vacationing in?" Draco visibly flinched and Theo and Blaise immediately paled. "Please walk me through exactly what happened so I can attempt to form some sort of defense on your behalf when the headmistress inevitably asks me what happened."
Draco grimaced, "How much do you need to know?"
Groaning into his hands as he fought the urge to throw something at his godson, Snape said, "Spare me any obviously intimate details, but don't skip any important points."
"Fine. In the spirit of inter house unity, I found myself a friend who happens to sleep in Gryffindor Tower. This friend and I have been meeting up in, let's say, private locations around the castle for the better part of this year."
Blaise snorted at this, "'A friend who happens to sleep in Gryffindor Tower'? Granger has slept in the dungeons the majority of this year."
"Can you call what they do sleeping though?" Theo chimed in. "Draco certainly doesn't make that much noise when she's not there."
Snape looked ready to skin all three boys alive, but continued speaking only to Draco, "Whilst you've been betrothed to the lovely Miss Parkinson, no less."
Draco's face did little to hide his disgust at this pronouncement.
"Yes, the timelines overlap a bit."
"The timelines? It's just one big, messy timeline." Theo corrected
"I had this afternoon planned out perfectly," Draco continued, raising his voice just enough to cut off his best friend.
"That's why we're here now," Blaise drawled.
"Theo was set to tutor Pansy, who is completely daft, by the way, did you pass her just to get her to go away?" Draco asked the Potions master.
"Oh, no. You will not question me after the charade you caused today."
"Apparently they got done early because Pansy went looking for me."
"And?"
"And she found me and my Gryffindor friend being quite friendly in a broom closet near the dungeons."
"At this point, Miss Parkinson approached the situation like the adult she's been for over a year, yes?"
All three boys absolutely lost it at this and only found their sense of self when they realized their mentor was staring daggers at them.
"Not exactly. Pansy pulled my friend out of the broom closet by her hair and started slapping, punching and biting. It was just a flurry of hair, honestly. I've gotta hand it to my betrothed, she fights where she can win."
"Can I safely assume that Miss Granger was unprepared for this attack?"
Draco softly chuckled, "Oh yes. The Brightest Witch of The Age is nursing some good ol' muggle wounds at the moment. I know for a fact she's got a black eye, probably a broken nose and multiple scratches that were actually kinda deep. Pansy, on the other hand, will be fine... or as fine as she ever was.
"Seems like you've got a few wounds as well," Snape said while pointing to the many bite marks on Draco's arm.
Theo looked positively gleeful. "Oo, I walked up as she gave him that one," he said as he pointed to the bite mark precisely in the middle of Draco's forearm.
Draco plowed on, "We've already established that the corridor was relatively empty so it took awhile for other people to show up and help me hold Pansy back."
"You were unable to hold her back by yourself?"
"He was struggling with the best of them, Sevvy."
Snape glared at Theo so intensely that Theo shut up immediately.
"Have you seen Pansy when she's mad? She is crazy and I mean literally crazy. Her family tree doesn't exactly branch out. It's a miracle she doesn't have extra toes. Actually, we should probably ask Madam Pomfrey to check that out. I never looked." Draco seemed to lose himself in his recollections as he tried to recount if he'd ever seen Pansy's feet.
Rolling his eyes, Severus prompted Draco to continue on with the story.
"So these imbeciles walked up at that point and helped you corral the future mother of your children?"
"Actually, when we got there, it seemed like he had the situation handled. Well, as handled as it could be with his pants around his ankles. It added a little bit of class, I must admit." Theo said, winking at a furious Draco. "He lost control of Pansy around the time she started screaming about being pregnant with his child."
"Like she doesn't say that every few weeks for attention," Draco rolled his eyes.
"Ah, but Granger didn't know that, did she? What little of her face wasn't covered in bruises was paler than your arse that one time we went skinny dipping. Remember when I told you I thought you'd blinded me? Those were good times."
At this lovely story, Snape coughed pointedly and asked, "Draco, you're sure Miss Parkinson is not currently pregnant with your child?"
Draco shrugged, completely unperturbed by the allegation, "Yes."
"How sure? Because Narcissa Malfoy will have my head if you bring home anything more than NEWT scores."
"We don't exactly have sex ed around here, but it's my understanding that you have to sleep with a witch to sire a child, no?"
At this, the four men maintained complete silence for a full sixty seconds before the professor spoke.
"Against all odds, I managed to keep all of you alive through a full wizarding war where one of your homes was overtaken by a literal dark lord. You are all barely here at all. It would help me so much if you would act like it."
Even Theo looked genuinely abashed at that.
"Draco, you lost Slytherin 50 points today. Miss Parkinson lost 100 and Miss Granger lost 50 for Gryffindor. You will all have detention with me for the foreseeable future, as you clearly have too much free time."
Draco, expecting a worse punishment, nodded silently as he turned to leave the office and head to the infirmary.
"Oh, and, Draco, you're expected to be in this office for dinner with your mother this evening. I'm sure she'll find this whole story just as funny as Mr. Nott."
