January 5, 1999

"Enough of this posh nonsense, Theodore. I need the real story of what happened between Miss Parkinson and Miss Granger."

Theo choked on the food in his mouth.

"Darling, I know you children think you were the first to invent youthful indiscretions but I'll have you know people had relations in the broom closets even when I attended back in the stone ages. I also happen to know when my son isn't being completely truthful with me."

Having finally cleared his throat after downing a full glass of water, Theo spoke up, "He told me that he told you about Granger and the broom closet."

"Yes."

"And that Pansy caught them."

"Yes."

"And Pansy beat the stuffing out of Granger."

"Yes, I heard all of that."

"And you're aware that the reason he isn't attending this dinner is because he's still doing detentions from that incident?"

"Theodore, please do not insult my intelligence by implying that I don't know exactly where my son is every Tuesday, Thursday and Friday evening. Severus keeps me well-informed on how he's wasting my son's time."

"What else could you possibly need to know?"

"Why don't you just tell your little story like I'm sure you've done a hundred times to the miscreants who inhabit these halls?"

Theo raised his eyebrows but felt no need to argue with the only parental figure he had left in his life.

"Draco is gonna kill me if he finds out I spilled any more details to you."

"I heard about your fight with the Weasley boy, I think you'll hold your own."

That gave Theo just the confidence boost he needed and he smirked as began, "Okay, but I've been told that I'm a vivid storyteller. I paint pictures with my words, if you will."

Narcissa nodded.

"Draco started seeing Granger way back in September. I think it was her birthday. I'm not sure exactly what prompted it, but you and I both know he's had a fascination with her ever since she punched him in third year. We could ask questions about what that means for your son, but I imagine you'd like to skate past that little tidbit."

"I would, that is correct," Narcissa said calmly as she sipped her wine. "I assume he employed Mr. Zabini and yourself to occupy Miss Parkinson while he was off with Miss Granger?"

"He did," Theo groaned. "No offense to you, but your almost daughter-in-law is truly intolerable. I offered to be her tutor and I regretted it almost immediately."

"I believe the incident happened in November, so what kept you doing it for so long?"

"I happen to like both your son and Granger. Draco hated that betrothal long before Granger came into the picture. I'm sure you remember my father and his many friends, this behavior doesn't exactly bother me."

"So what happened on the night of the incident? Draco said Pansy was supposed to be with you for another hour."

"Again, I would like to clarify that you asked for complete honesty."

Narcissa rolled her eyes, "Yes, I recall."

"I moved our study session from the library to the common room because I can get as high in there as I want and I knew I was gonna need it to deal with Pansy."

Narcissa slow-blinked.

Theo continued, "Unfortunately I was a little over enthusiastic in my partaking and it just made her more annoying somehow. I gave up, told her to figure it out and headed to the dorm to see if Blaise wanted to practice Quidditch."

"While you were intoxicated?"

"Have you been up high while you were high? Nothing like it. I highly recommend it."

"Theodore, how are you still alive?"

"I actually don't know, but Severus appears to take some credit for that feat."

"And Miss Parkinson did what when you dismissed her?"

"At first she screamed like a banshee that she was going to fail her NEWTs. Why she even cares about school, I'll never know. None of us have to work when we leave."

"Such a grounded young man you are."

"Pansy must have known something was going on with Draco because she went straight to our dorm when she realized I wasn't kidding about quitting."

"What did she find when she got there?"

"An empty bed and some jewelry that was decidedly not hers in the nightstand."

"Oh, dear."

"So then she starts screaming at me and Blaise asking where he is. Hand-to-Merlin, I had no idea where Draco was at that point. I knew he probably had his dick up Granger's skirt, but the rest was a mystery to me."

Narcissa hid her amused grin behind her wine glass as she took another sip.

"When we didn't tell her where Draco was, she went storming through every dorm in the dungeons looking for him. Woke up every single person to ask them where he was before storming out into the main castle. It's too bad Hogwarts doesn't have a theater department, Pansy could play every character in every play all by herself."

"Yes, her mother was quite the actress as well."

"I forgot you went to school with her. That must have been a nightmare."

"Carry on, Theodore."

"At this point, I had located all our Quidditch gear while Blaise caught up with me."

Narcissa sighed, "I don't care if you play Quidditch and I don't care all that much if you get high, but please quit mixing the two."

"I absolutely will refrain… from telling you in the future."

Theo paused here to grin broadly.

"We made it into the corridor when we heard it. There were loud bangs, crying and what sounded like your baby boy trying to calm everything down and failing miserably."

"Oh, yes, I did imagine the scene was quite messy."

Theo had all but forgotten who he was speaking to before he said, "Oh, it really was. Draco had a deranged Pansy in his arms while she bit and clawed at him. He would have had a much easier time holding on to her but his pants were around his ankles and he almost tripped over them multiple times. Pansy seemed to realize the scene was calming down because she yelled, 'HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO YOUR PREGNANT FIANCE.'"

Theo took a moment to catch his breath after laughing entirely too hard and missing the look on Narcissa's face.

"I mean, the Slytherins all knew Pansy was full of shit because she gets drunk and tells everyone in Slytherin she's pregnant at least once a month, but Granger didn't know that. She stopped trying to button her shirt back up and just stared at Pansy with her mouth wide open. When Draco saw Granger's face, he tried to clear the air. That was when Pansy got free and went back to absolutely beating on Granger. We all know Pansy was just lucky Granger didn't have her wand because Pansy would be walking with a limp if she did, but alas. Where do you think Pansy learned to scrap like that?"

"You know, my sister Bella was adept at muggle fighting as well. Perhaps it's something in the gene pool."

"Perhaps. Anyway, the whole struggle ended when Blaise stunned Pansy and forced a calming draught down her throat before he woke her up. I guess technically she was calmer after that, but I don't know if I'd call trashing the common room calm. I suppose that was Uncle Sevvy's problem though."

"Theodore, he is not your uncle."

"And he doesn't like when I call him Sevvy, I'm aware."

"I can't say I'm upset that the Parkinsons ended the betrothal agreement. That was Lucius' business and I never loved it."

"It seems a little rich that they broke it off for an affair, considering Pansy's father."

"Yes, that occurred to me as well," Narcissa said with a smirk. "So my son tried to clear the air with Miss Granger?"

"Yeah, which I thought was a little weird since he's been insisting that the whole affair is just carnal."

"Mm, yes, that is weird."

"You wanna know something else?"

"Of course, Theodore."

"I think Draco and Hermione are still meeting up. I can't prove it, but I'd put money on it."

"Yes, I figured that was the case."