January 12, 1999
Dearest Narcissa,
I hope this letter finds you exceptionally well. I wish I could say I was, but alas. You were correct. I had no business flying while under the influence of incredibly legal substances.
You will no doubt be unsurprised to learn that an incident occurred which shook me to my very core.
The Saturday after our dinner, I found myself with a lot of free time. Blaise had a date and your son was mysteriously absent. I cannot stay in the common room for any length of time without Pansy becoming a complete nightmare so I got into my stash of, again, completely legal substances and went flying.
It was a beautiful start to the day. There were no clouds in the sky. 'Twas perfect. I began by touring the grounds as I've done a million times when I realized that I had absolutely no idea where I was. I mean to say, I couldn't remember if I was on the Malfoy Manor grounds, Nott Manor grounds, Hogwarts or somewhere completely new. It would have been funny except I also got wildly paranoid and refused to land until I could remember where I was.
In the eight hours it took for me to regain my sense of self, my face was sunburned and chaffed from the wind. Those injuries paled in comparison to the utter exhaustion I was experiencing. I passed out in the middle of the Quidditch Pitch sometime after sunset. I wasn't located until the next morning when the Hufflepuff Quidditch team was preparing to practice. You'll never meet a nicer bunch of people but I was mortified.
Madam Pomfrey was none too pleased with me, although I can report that she's really quite chill. She's never once ratted on me and she has to know about my legal stash of fun.
As much as I'm sure you enjoy being right about my life choices, I'm actually writing this letter to fulfill the request you made about keeping you up to date on your sweet baby boy's activities.
You should know that Draco has been missing from his bed every night since detentions ended after the new year.
I still can't believe Sevvy wasted twenty hours of their time every week for two months. That's a lot even for someone with obvious sadistic tendencies.
Draco shows up to breakfast every morning on time, has missed no classes and, as far as I can tell, doesn't even look in Granger's direction, much less speak to her. But there is something there, I know it.
I suppose I will have to swallow my pride this week and befriend the youngest Weasley child to get information on the lovely Miss Granger. Ginny is, by far, the most tolerable of the Gryffindor crew and I get the impression she'd make a great spy.
Your favorite child,
Theo
January 19, 1999
Theodore,
I know I have asked this question many times but I feel I must ask it again, how is it that you are still alive? I am well-aware that you no longer have biological parents, but if you could do your adopted mother a favor and please quit trying to kill yourself in the stupidest ways possible, I would be forever in your debt. I worry about you, you know.
As for my son's whereabouts, I believe I can be of some assistance here. I pulled his Gringotts records and it appears he has a room rented out at the Hog's Head until the end of June. I suppose that's where he's spending his nights. A bold choice considering I remember the accommodations at the castle to be far preferable to a seedy pub in Hogsmeade, but perhaps Aberforth has put some work into renovations since the war.
I have no doubt that a spy amongst the Gryffindor crowd would be incredibly helpful to our cause, please let me know if that endeavor bears any fruit.
A mother reconsidering her choice in adoption,
Narcissa
January 26, 1999
Dearest Narcissa,
You flatter me with your words of concern. I am pleased to report that there is no chance I'll be doing anything stupid for quite sometime as Uncle Sevvy has deemed it necessary for me to complete a bit of detention. No worries though, I've got him right where I want him.
Can I just say that I had no idea we were allowed to obtain alternative sleeping arrangements? I looked in every rule book I could find and your son is right, there is no rule against this. I should have been doing this a long time ago. It would've saved me many headaches of trying to get girls to go into broom closets with me. You know, most witches complain that they're uncomfortable but you know what else is uncomfortable? Being fifteen with a constant hard-on. You'll be unsurprised to hear that I've already reserved myself a room at the Hog's Head as well, but I'll only be using it as needed. I happen to like the dorm.
On an unrelated note, if I reserved a room for Pansy, do you think she'd use it? Because that's a price I'd be willing to pay to never see her in the common room.
I apologize if I went on a bit there, but Blaise is now dating the lovely Daphne Greengrass and Draco is obviously living elsewhere so I have no one to rant to anymore.
Furthermore, I am now in a long-term friendship with one Miss Ginevra Molly Weasley and am happy to report that I have news on this front. Miss Granger has removed everything that isn't nailed down from her dorm room and her dorm mates are concerned they may never see her again.
I've gotta say, I know none of the other professors are of the Gryffindorian cult, but I think McGonagall has really dropped the ball when it comes to her den of lions since she became headmistress. She would have never let a student just move out before now, but I'm not sure she even knows about it and it's been over a month.
Ginny says that Granger's purse has an undetectable extension charm on it, but she's rarely used it since the war so there's no reason to think she's carrying everything she owns on her person. I do believe if we checked out the Hog's Head after dark, we would find the two of them in the same room. No doubt studying hard for their NEWT exams.
Unfortunately, there is still no evidence from either one's behavior towards the other to support our current hypothesis. They remain solidly indifferent towards each other.
Your favorite child,
Theo
February 5, 1999
Theodore Ignatius Nott,
You are a bright young man. I say this not to boost your enormous ego, but to point out the disconnect that is causing me physical pain. You are a bright young man, so you must know that the godfather to my son, the head of your house, is also a pen pal of mine. You may, although you shouldn't be, surprised to know that he also keeps me up to date on your shenanigans.
I'm going to assume that you got into your completely legal stash of fun before you told the first years that Severus has a tradition where he sets up a scavenger hunt around the castle to help the first years get to know Hogwarts better. I can only assume you were out of your mind when the hunt ended in his office. I need to believe that you were not the sweet child I watched in my gardens when you encouraged these children to keep looking as they completely trashed the defense professor's office looking for a prize that did not exist.
I hope he somehow manages to find a way to give you detentions that extend past graduation, you deserve it.
As for our current project, I'm pleased to hear that you have a source of information that wears red and gold. That's great work on your part.
I have it on good authority that my son made a rather large jewelry purchase recently. Keep an eye out for that, particularly after Valentine's Day.
Would you please, for the love of Salazar, find it in your heart to behave?
Narcissa
February 15, 1999
Dearest Narcissa,
I will have you know that I was completely sober when I came up with and executed the scavenger hunt idea. I was going to wait until Easter so we could do an egg hunt but I got bored early.
I get the impression that you are jealous of my skills of merriment and mischief. No worries, I can teach you my ways when I get home this summer.
As for the jewelry purchase, I happen to know all about it. Draco must have given it to Granger on Valentine's Day because she showed up to breakfast this morning wearing a diamond on her left hand. On that finger.
Narcissa, I think we may be looking at a summer wedding which is fantastic because I look amazing in summer colors. He hasn't asked me to be his best man yet, but I have already begun planning our stag night.
Granger is still ignoring Draco despite wearing what is obviously his ring, so she was sitting with her merry band of idiots at the Gryffindor table when Pansy saw it. Pansy has apparently been keeping a very close eye on Draco and Granger since The Incident and you know she could tell from across the room what year that diamond was set in that particular ring. How you pureblood women do that, I will never know. Pansy immediately got up from her seat across the hall and marched right over to Granger. Granger, for her part, was unperturbed by this behavior. I imagine she knew exactly what she was doing when she chose to wear that ring in public. Pansy started asking questions about where Granger got the ring. Granger put her off with a series of non-answers.
Pansy then started screeching about how there's no way Granger could ever afford a ring like that and that she must have gotten it from Draco. Granger just ignored this and went back to her breakfast which just made Pansy even crazier.
But this was where it got really good. I know because the entire hall was watching, including the professors.
Pansy yelled, "I know it's your fault."
Granger looked perplexed, but I swear I saw a glimmer of something in her eye, as she asked Pansy what she had supposedly done.
Pansy then opened her mouth to reveal a bunch of tiny sores covering the entire inside of her mouth. Ginny Weasley, bless her soul, said, "I don't know Pansy, what have you been putting in your mouth? That looks like herpes to me." I could've kissed my favorite ginger right on the mouth if she wasn't currently dating The Chosen One.
Pansy was beet red in the face at this point and Ginny said, "Oh, noooooooo. You thought it was herpes but the medicine didn't work, huh?"
"I know it's your fault," Pansy repeated calmly this time. "They showed up the day after our detentions ended. Madam Pomfrey has no idea what they are, but I know it's your fault."
Granger was absolutely delectable at this point when she stood up, grabbed her bag and turned to Pansy as she said, "Perhaps next time you'll think twice before you attack an unarmed witch."
Pansy wasn't gonna let that go quietly and shouted loud enough for the whole hall to hear, "Perhaps next time you'll think twice before sticking a taken man's dick in your mouth."
I mean, I don't like Pansy but she had a point there.
Anyway, Professor McGonagall heard that last comment and came down from the head table to diffuse the situation. I suppose Granger must have given up the counter-charm because Pansy is back to flirting with any guy who will talk to her. I think all of the Slytherin boys should send Granger a gift for getting Pansy to lay off of throwing herself around for a bit.
Do you think Draco and Granger will name their first child Theo? Surely, I'll be godfather at least.
Your favorite child,
Theo
