June 9, 1999
"I say we do rock-paper-scissors for the title."
Draco eyed his best friend with a palpable sense of annoyance. "I am absolutely not okay with using rock-paper-scissors to determine who gets to give the student speech at graduation."
"It's legit if you make sure to have a referee and do best out of five."
"Mr. Nott, despite your very creative approach to problem solving, there's actually a protocol for tie-breaking class rank. Usually it's done for the top position, but as Ms. Granger has declined the opportunity…" Professor McGonagall looked warily at the two grown wizards sitting across from her desk. Draco was leaning far from his best friend as he looked at the headmistress with an indifference she had rarely seen him without. Theo, on the other hand, was positively bubbling with excitement for reasons that she didn't know and didn't really want to know.
"As the two of you have the same schedule, the process is relatively simple. Each of your professors will put together a short quiz and the student with the best marks will be speaking at graduation."
"Wait, are we using Severus' class as well?"
"Yes, Mr. Nott, as Professor Snape is one of your shared teachers, you will be answering defense questions."
"Is that not a conflict of interest? I mean, he is literally Draco's family and his relationship with me is rocky at best right now."
"I don't even want to give a speech," mused Draco.
Theo attempted to make eye contact with his old friend before he said, "Yeah, me neither. Are the three of us really not bright enough to figure out how to convince Granger to do the speech she rightfully earned? I know you can't tell me another student's grades, but was it even close?"
"It was not close and I've been trying to talk her into it since after Christmas," McGonagall said curtly.
"Yeah, Theo, how do you propose we convince Granger to do anything these days?" Draco drawled from his seat where he was adamantly refusing to meet anyone's eyes.
"Mr. Nott, is it true that you've struck up a friendship with Ms. Granger?"
"Oh, you are a good headmistress, Minnie. Look at you being plugged into the gossip mill. Just a heads up, you can't believe anything Pansy tells you. A little birdie told me that she's been fed false information since Christmas."
"Please do not refer to me as Minnie and it didn't take a genius to realize that you two have matching tattoos now."
A scoff from the other student in her office preceded a deep voice saying, "Yeah, I'm not pleased about that."
"Was it that I talked her into finally getting a visible tattoo or that she and I got matching tattoos?"
"All of the above."
"I don't know why you're so upset, you told me to befriend her."
"I absolutely did not and would not ever do that. I asked you to keep an eye on her. At no point were you supposed to speak to her."
"I'm an overachiever, Draco. You know this about me. You told me to keep an eye on her so I made her my best friend. It wasn't exactly hard as you've been giving me the cold shoulder since the break," Theo's eyes lit up conspiratorially. "Well, that's not completely fair. You were also my bestie when you wanted to get high before your dinner with Uncle Sevvy and your mom. It was weird how we were friends then."
Both boys ignored the way the headmistress' face went into a state of shock.
"All I asked for you to do was make sure the Weasley clan of do-gooders left her alone. That was the entire assignment. Next thing I know, you're taking her into muggle London to day-drink the Saturday before NEWTs."
Professor McGonagall groaned and pulled her hat into her face.
"I don't know who taught her how to drink. Maybe it's a muggle thing, but she drank me under the table that day. She's a beast. I'd be proud if I were you, Draco."
"Yes, so proud."
After straightening her hat back out and finding her sense of calm, Professor McGonagall finally spoke up, "So she is speaking to you two these days?"
"I suppose," Draco shrugged.
Theo was practically giddy. "Oh, yes. She's quite the conversationalist."
"Did she tell you why she chose not to postpone her exams?"
"Absolutely not."
"Did she tell you why she's not responding to anyone's letters?"
"That's gonna be a no from me."
"Do you happen to know what her plans for after graduation are?"
"Not a clue."
"What is it that you do talk about?"
"Thanks for asking, Minerva. We actually spent a lot of time talking about the important things in life. Did you two know she was raised Catholic? I didn't, but it makes sense. Her favorite flavor of ice cream is cookies 'n' creme. She recently acquired a cloak that swooshes dramatically when she walks. I bought that for her actually. She's been so dramatic that I thought it fit. She said her dream vacation locale is New York City," Theo paused here to sigh. "I told her that was a terrible idea. Cities are the worst. Then she told me that beaches aren't her 'thing.' Whatever that means. Once more, just for emphasis, I learned that Granger can take a shot of firewhiskey without making any face at all. A legend. If this one hadn't already married her, I'd be right on that."
The silence that followed that monologue caught Theo off-guard. He looked back and forth between his professor and his best friend a dozen times before his face fell and he mouthed, "Oh shit."
The only thing that saved Theo from Draco's lunge was a hastily cast shield charm and a, "Sit down, Mr. Malfoy."
"This is as good a time as any to note that I'm actually really proud of myself. I made it way longer with this secret than I thought I would."
"There's no need for us to do a test if Granger really won't do the speech. Theo is dead as soon as we leave this office," Draco snarled as he turned to leave and found the door locked.
"Absolutely not, Mr. Malfoy. You're gonna stay until I understand what's happening here."
"Yeah, Mr. Malfoy. Explain yourself. Also, how are you gonna threaten the father of your half-sibling?"
Draco's wand was drawn faster than he could say, "What the fuck, Theo."
"Oh, I'm just kidding. It broke the tension nicely though, didn't it?"
It did not break the tension at all as Professor McGonagall ushered them back to their seats and brought them back to the point. "Explain to me why this young man here seems to think that you and Ms. Granger are married."
"Because we are."
"How is that possible?"
From the peanut gallery, Theo chimed in, "Well, Minerva, when a witch and a wizard really love each other…"
"Theodore, if you do not quit going off on tangents, I will make the stinging hexes Professor Snape keeps sending your way look like child's play." The witch then turned back to Draco. "Marriages are legally required to be disclosed in The Daily Prophet. Did this just happen?"
"The Daily Prophet doesn't print muggle marriages," Theo said as he popped his neck. When both Professor McGonagall and Draco stared at him, he continued, "It's my theory that a muggle marriage would break his betrothal to the awful Ms. Parkinson. Since there's a two year backlog in the records office between the muggle and magical offices, they'd have time to figure out how to break the news."
"That's not your theory, Theo. That's what the girl in the office at the London jail told you when you got picked up for being a fucking moron."
"Whoa! I thought we agreed that I was framed. Plus, that whole adventure brought me Lucy. Lucy is an enchanting girl who graduated from Beauxbatons three years ago and decided to work in the muggle world since her parents are muggles. She actually ran a lot of people's names through the muggle system for me. Imagine my surprise when my own pure-blood best friend had the most interesting dirt. It was hurtful to find out like that."
"You'll get over it."
"Did anyone know about Flitwick's horrible driving record? They took his license away. What an icon. Oh! And Harry freakin Potter was the witness for these two idiots. Can you believe they didn't ask me?"
"Yes," Minerva McGonagall replied simply as she contemplated joining Severus Snape in retirement.
