July 2, 1999
"What is this thing that I'm invited to tonight at The Hog's Head? The invitation was way too fancy for the location." Harry asked as he looked in the fridge at Grimmauld Place that contained exactly seventeen butterbeers, a dozen eggs and something that might have once been yogurt. As he opened the yogurt and made a horrible face before throwing it away, he looked up at his best friend who had shocked him that morning when she'd asked if she could come over. "Are you gonna tell us all that you actually are pregnant? Your glamours are working overtime if you are, you look thin."
Hermione shook her head as she studied the face of her oldest friend in the world. "No, absolutely not. Tonight's gonna be great, just make sure to be there. Remus and Sirius are both coming, right?"
"To the best of my knowledge, they are. Right now they're out shopping for something. I hope it's groceries, honestly. Please tell me the point of tonight is that you are going to tell everyone what you're doing next year because I cannot field another question from the adults in our lives. How are you so effective at dodging everyone?"
Ignoring the question completely, Hermione said, "Yeah, I am actually. I wanted to talk to you before tonight so you could maybe help me head off some of the drama. All of the Weasleys are invited and they tend to be quite explosive when there's news."
"Why wouldn't you just tell Ginny?" Harry asked as he got out the eggs and attempted to make scrambled eggs.
Hermione's eyes were glued to the wall past Harry as she said flatly, "I can't tell Ginny about this. She'd try to fix it and there's no fixing it. I could never put that on her."
"You're leaving." Harry's voice carried a sense of calm that she could tell was forced.
"Yeah."
"How long?"
"I don't know."
"I never thought you'd be done with school after Hogwarts. Most masteries take two years, so we'll see you then?"
"I don't know, Harry. Don't try to get me to make promises I don't know if I can keep."
"You seriously think it might be longer than two years?"
"We actually have to be back for Halloween this year for our bonding ceremony. Narcissa Malfoy was very clear about that. Draco is scared of her so we'll be there. I doubt we'll be here very long though."
"But after that? You might be gone forever? Are you ever planning on coming back?" His anger flared as he realized the eggs on the stove were well and truly burnt.
"I don't know, Harry. I can't be here anymore. I thought that much was obvious so far."
"I thought it would be better now that we're done with Hogwarts. I know being there after the final battle was hard on all of us. We don't have to go back ever. I always thought you'd make a great professor but I don't think anyone would blame you for doing something else."
"It's not just about Hogwarts, Harry."
Harry's eyes glimmered with tears he refused to acknowledge as he said, "What does that mean?"
Her voice broke a little as she said, "When I say I hate it here, I mean the entire wizarding world. Sometimes I wish I could go back to the day before I turned eleven."
"You wish you hadn't met all of us?"
"I need you to listen and understand that this is not about you. That fact won't make it hurt any less, but I need you to trust that I'm still your best friend and I'm not trying to hurt you. This is about me and the things I need to do."
Refusing to turn away from the stove where the burnt eggs sat untouched, she saw Harry nod his head ever so slightly.
"Before I came to the wizarding world, I was just a little girl who was a bit odd but was happy. My parents loved me more than life itself and our life together wasn't perfect, but it was happy." She took a deep breath then continued, "Then I came to Hogwarts and a whole new world opened up. It felt wonderful."
"Yeah, I know that feeling."
"I know you do, Harry. I know you do. I know this because you were actually coming home. You always belonged. Never for a moment did you belong in the muggle world. I did though. I belonged in my parents' world. I came to Hogwarts and allowed the wonder and the magic to push aside my parents and, bless them, they let me. They knew how much I loved this world and they let me have it. They let me have it even though they didn't understand it at all. I lied to them about the dangers I was facing and the struggles I faced as a muggleborn because I never wanted them to pull me out."
"This world loves you too, you know. You're literally The Golden Girl," Harry stammered from the stove where he still resolutely refused to turn around.
Hermione's chuckle caught Harry off-guard and he turned around to see her grim smile. "I can't tell if you're lying more to me or yourself."
Harry's anger boiled over at that, "What the fuck does that mean, Hermione?"
"The wizarding world doesn't love me, it loves you and it likes that I help you. It loves some of the things I did while on a quest with their savior. If the world loved me, The Daily Prophet wouldn't be having a meltdown over my marriage to a former Death Eater this morning. They'd just be happy that I'm happy."
Harry's balled fists needed an outlet so he went back to the fridge and got a butterbeer without offering one to his guest.
"You can't run away because of the shit Rita Skeeter says, last week she asked me if it was true that Sirius had a love child with a veela. You know better than anyone that they just say stuff."
"It's not just what people think, Harry. I resent all the time I lost with my parents. Did you know I would have gone to a local private school if I'd stayed in the muggle world? I'd have seen them every single day. Now they're in Australia living their new lives without me." Hermione walked to the fridge and got herself a drink as she fought back tears.
"You know I understand how it feels to miss your parents."
"I'm aware of how acutely you relate that feeling. Here's the difference: When you came to Hogwarts, you came home. I left home. I left them behind and for what? So I could be judged and belittled when I made choices people didn't approve of?"
Harry didn't bother walking to the fridge for his second butterbeer as he accio'd one from the fridge. "You know who you're talking to right? I literally signed your marriage license despite my better judgement on the matter. I can't imagine a better approval than a literal seal of approval."
"Harry, I couldn't tell you the real story of why we were getting married because I knew you wouldn't approve."
Harry's glare forced Hermione to finish her butterbeer and acquire her second before she continued.
"We didn't start dating at the beginning of the year and I did not think I was pregnant when we got married."
"Why the fuck would you lie about that?"
"Because it was easier than telling the truth that you wouldn't have understood. It was easier than telling you that Draco and I dated all of our sixth year but we hid it from everyone because you would have punished me for making a decision that made me happy."
"You don't know that," Harry snarled.
"Oh, I do know that. Tell me honestly, would you have let me go on the Horcrux hunt if you'd known I'd been with Malfoy at all?"
Harry's third butterbeer hid his face as he guzzled it and ignored her question.
"No, you wouldn't," Hermione supplied for him. "Because you wouldn't have trusted me. This world uses me but it doesn't trust me. It doesn't trust me and I can't be here knowing what I gave up just to be disrespected over and over again."
As the fourth butterbeer headed to Harry's right hand, Hermione said, "You should probably slow down, you know."
Harry's infuriariated scoff filled the entire kitchen, "You're one to talk." Hermione's blank stare seemed to only make Harry's anger grow as he added, "You do know that McGonagall noticed you drinking in class, right?"
Hermione flinched.
"All I've heard this year is one person after the other expressing their concerns about you. Concerns I heard because you were nowhere to be found. Was The Hog's Head nice at least?" Harry's tone had hardened in a way that made Hermione think perhaps she should have discussed this with Ginny instead.
"Not really," she mumbled.
"Ginny was concerned about the art you have on your body now. Ron was concerned about your affiliation with Malfoy. McGonagall was concerned about your drinking. Hell, I even had Sirius, Remus, Arthur and Molly writing letters asking about you. You owe Remus an apology."
"I know."
"Where are you going anyway? In case you have any friends left after this that want to visit you."
"France."
"Figures. You gonna go hide out in the Malfoy properties there? That's not leaving the magical world. That's just hiding because you have money now."
"Oh, give me more credit than that. Draco is pursuing a Potions mastery there and I'm thinking about going to university. My parents always loved talking about university before I went to Hogwarts."
"Leaving isn't going to fix everything, you know." Harry's face softened as he noticed Hermione dissolving into tears.
"It can't make it worse."
