Hello possible readers. I did a version of this a long time ago and took it down. Now I will try again.
I always have thought on several accounts that this would have been an interesting twists…And also might I add, heartbreaking. So without further ado shall we see how much trouble I stir for myself here….
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Set after The Plague in season 1:
I lie in bed unknowing of what will come next. What will become of my life and my children's lives. Where will we go, how will we get there. How? These are the things I should be thinking, yet all I do is lie here as my heart is wrenched out of my body. I hear someone come in, Grace maybe? I am not sure, there is a mans voice that I should know ensuring her to make me eat and watch over me carefully. I feel her hand on my shoulder trying to coax me into changing from my dress. My dress that is covered with the days trauma of dirt and blood possibly? I am not sure. I allow her to help me as my eyes are swollen shut to being able to see around me. I feel as though I am in a haze as she helps me maneuver and settle.
As she was asked by the mans voice, she tries to get me to eat, I am only able to then cry harder. Harder for my loss and the need to live for my girls. My girls, where are they? Do they know? I can't ask, I only fall back to the bed pulling my feet up to cry harder. Grace lies next to me and holds me knowingly and understanding in a way no other in town could be at this moment. I am thankful for her now.
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Over the next several days I tell myself the only reason I am here is because of my children. My three beautiful girls; they need me here. I know that they have told them I am ill, but I will heal after a time. What I don't know is what they were told about their father. I can't bring myself to ask as I know I need to gain strength for them and soon. How can I though when we have nothing and winter is approaching. There is no money, what little there is may see us into spring. But from there….do I write asking to come home, if so how will I get us there?
All of my questions being and end with how. Because there is no answer. There is no way for a young widow as myself to make in here on the prairie alone with three young daughters. Charles was strong and confidante, full of schemes and we were just barely making it. Now? How will I be able to provide for my children.
I know in my heart that I cannot leave this town. This house that he built for us. I know that I will not cross the prairie to go home to the big woods. I cannot bear the pity and sorrow that would follow me. No I will remain here and heal here. I will heal here where my girls have friends, I have friends.
My mother, she lost my father when she was young. When my brothers and I were young. She re married within in the year. He is a good man, he is my father and I love him as I know she does as well. My girls can learn to love another man as their father can't they?
My only question is who? There are few bachelors in this town that are decent. Who? And how can I even be thinking this. My husband whom I love was buried in the ground before I knew he was gone.
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By Sunday the I am functioning the best I can. The girls are filled with a sadness that only time can heal. I feel a monumental amount of guilt for staying in bed and not being there for them the whole week. If one could take back and redo a situation better, I would cry at night and console my girls during the day. I would tell them it would be okay as I do now.
Now, we are on our way to church. Sunday services will be held, he would want that. Later, later we will burry him. Today will be a day I will never forget. A day that will ingrained in my memories forever more. I worry as we all walk to town, what kind of looks will I get. There have been very few members of town I have been in contact with. Grace of course, she has been a constant for the girls and a rock for me. Reverend Alden has been out several times including yesterday to ensure we are alright and discuss the events of this afternoon. Dr. Baker has also been there many times. I later learned it was him that was there when I was inconsolable; the mans voice I couldn't place.
When I came to the realization days later. I knew he came with the reverend to tell me of Charles. How the anthrax took him after he helped so many others. I know that I fell to the ground in front of my children crying to god for it not to be true. Grace was brought to me by the reverend who knew I needed her, I needed a women to help me. I rub my arms as I remember and feel the dull ache of the self inflicted scratches of that afternoon, only because I willed to feel anything at all that was not my loss. The mess I must have been in front of girls. Though when I confessed my concern to Dr. Baker when he came to check on me days later, he assured me they saw nothing, and only heard my cries. He said he made sure they did not see me like that, he wouldn't have allowed it, one of the many reasons it was quickly decided that Grace was needed. Needed for the girls and I, a comfort.
I know in my heart now that I made the right choice in staying. Leaving would have been wrong. One says you can always go home, I know that I cannot, I need to be here. Here in Walnut Grove, I know that as I look around and see the all to familiar surroundings from the road. In doing so my attention is drawn to a buckboard coming down the road. I move the girls and I to the side as they come closer, unsure of who it is. It's Dr. Baker, why I wonder.
"Caroline, girls. I was just on my way out to get you, I thought I would save you walk into town today." He greeted. The girls in turn gave him a sad smile as he got down from the buckboard.
"That's very kind of you, thank you." I smiled back, although it was forced, and he knew it. He nods and helps Mary and Laura into the back. Turning he offers me a hand up and I accept it. Carrie cries out 'me too' as he picks her up and puts her next to me as he climbs up.
"Thank you, again, for this and all that you have done for us" I say to him as he turns the horses around to head back towards town.
"Caroline, you and the girls have the support of the whole town. We are all here for you, and if you need anything, all you have to do is ask. Let us help you." He said quietly, pleadingly.
I look up at him and see a look of concern. Not that of a doctor, but a friend, someone who I know truly cares for me and the girls. I go quiet and think a while before saying "What you said is the reason I am not going home. Why the girls and I will stay here, where I know we belong.".
I look back at the girls and smile to them and say "Today, today will be okay. It will be very hard, and very sad. But we will be okay."
"Will we be leaving town Ma? Will we go back to the big woods?" Laura asked, with a sadness and wonder, Mary shared the same look.
"No, we will stay here where we will belong. No matter what it takes, or what happens, this is our home." I say this to them with confidence. A confidence that I practiced days ago in the quiet to convince myself to follow my heart and stay.
I turn around then and sit in the silence, looking to the rolling prairie hills with a sky that goes on forever. Up past the clouds and thinking, I hope he knows that I will always love him. I will love him more than anything, and I will do anything to keep his memory alive for our girls. I look back to the road and see that we are almost there, almost to town. A place I have been many times. But today is different, today things will feel more final. I look the the man next me as he sits quietly, giving me time.
Am I ready? No, I don't think I ever will be. But I have too. And I have to be strong for my girls.
The church, and the people, they are already there. Waiting. Dear lord give me strength as I feel myself sinking in again. Suddenly more thankful that I am sitting and not standing. I feel the buckboard come to a stop. I hear the girls stepping out. I sit there, Carrie moves away from my side. Moments later I felt a hand on my arm. I look over to see Dr. Baker holding Carrie, the girls standing closely behind him, all looking at me.
"Its time Caroline, it's time." He says to me quietly as I give him my hand for help stepping down. His had brushes my back as he guides me forward. "Girls, come on." He mummers quietly. In a haze we walk up the steps and into the church.
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Until next time...
