Holding On & Letting Go

Chapter 2:

Authors Note: Thank you for reading and reviewing! It means so I wrote this it was written as one huge word document. Chapter 2 is an extension of chapter 1. It was just entirely too long to go in one chapter. Happy reading! I hope everyone is staying safe and healthy during these strange times.


"Addison!" Samantha calls from the hospital bed as I walk into her room. Arizona trails behind me, giving me a thorough update on Samantha and the baby's condition.

"Dr. Robbins says you're having complications?" I ask her?

"It's to be expected. It's happened with all of my pregnancies in one way or another."

"Well at least you're in good spirits. That's important." I say.

"Dr. Robbins says I need an emergency c-section?"

"Yes, I'm sorry it took me so long. I wanted to go over your updated lab results from this morning." I check the fetal monitor, and her vitals. "You're still contracting, but they've slowed to every eight minutes. Are you in any pain?"

"No, I'm ok." She says, shaking her head. "I don't need anything."

"Ok, let me know if anything changes. I want you to be comfortable while we work out the next steps." I study the papers from the fetal monitor again, carefully.

"You're pregnant." She observes, catching me of guard.

"Oh, um, yeah." I say, completely unprofessionally. "25 weeks." The last time I saw her I was barely showing, easily hidden by choice of clothing and accessories. I wasn't intentionally trying to hide the evidence of my pregnancy. It just wasn't information I paraded about. Pregnancy wasn't a good look on me, this time around. It still isn't. I look half dead, but at least I look pregnant now, and not like I ate one too many slices of Pizza. I must look distracted, or possibly offended because she quickly adds…

"I'm sorry was that rude? I just… you're pregnant and you're an obstetrician, one of the absolute bests in the United States, maybe even the world. What would you do if you were in my shoes?"

"No, it's ok." I say, shifting a little uncomfortably. "You're afraid, I get that." I sit down next to her hospital bed and take her hands in my own. Six miscarriages, two stillbirths, a set of six-year-old twins and four-year-old triplets have aged her greatly.

"I am." She admits.

"I would have the surgery." I say. "Your baby is in distress with each contraction. He is having late decelerations and tachycardia with, which indicates he is not getting enough oxygen when you're contracting."

"Can you not just give me induction medication to get him out quicker?" She asks. "With the twins you gave me Pitocin."

"In a case like this where baby is presenting with both late decelerations and tachycardia Pitocin is not an option because it works by making the contractions stronger, and baby is not handling contractions well. It would be too dangerous."

"There are no other options?" She asks, bottom lip trembling.

"Listen Samantha. I know you're afraid , and a vaginal birth is less stressful, less scary than a c-section. There is no debating that, it is just not a viable option this time. We need to get the baby out, as soon as possible. We need to give you both your best shot." She is crying now. I wonder if I've been too harsh with her. I reach over and grab a box of tissues, handing them to her.

"Can you do it?" She asks, her bottom lip trembling. "You delivered all of my children. You brought my twins, and triplets into this world safely after all of my losses. You're good juju."

"Dr. Robbins is an excellent surgeon." And then to add some extra credibility. "She is looking after my baby as well. She will be delivering my little one in January." She protests though, and I look at her sympathetically. "I'm sure Dr. Robbins told you I'm signed out on emergency leave. I'm not authorized to operate right now." She looks terrified. I guess given the circumstances I would be too. I glance over to Arizona, helplessly.

"Addison…." Arizona says, and I can almost see the gears turning in your head. "If you don't mind you could assist with the operation." She offers. I look at her confused.

"Anything you need."

"You can't technically cut, but if Samantha requests it, you could scrub in, hold her hand, and stay with her during the operation."

"Oh, would you?" Samantha asks. Looking so relieved. "Jared, he's out of state working, the kids are with my sister and brother-in-law. He is on his way home, but he couldn't get a flight until tomorrow morning at the earliest. It's three days if he decides to drive." She pauses, and starts crying, her labored breathing causing the baby's stats to drop again. "He's never missed a birth, can't this wait?"

"Samantha, you have to breathe, slow deep breaths." I say, holding the oxygen mask up to her face, "Shhhh." I soothe. It takes a minute, but when she has calmed, and her vitals are stable I remove the mask and place the nasal cannula.

"Do you trust me?" I ask her.

"Yes."

"Ok. Dr. Robbins is the absolute best option we have right now for getting your baby boy out safely. I can hold your hand, I can be there as a friend, a support system, whatever you need, but I cannot operate. I could lose my job."

"The baby… will he be ok?"

"Babies born at 35 weeks have about 99% chance of survival. There are no guarantees ocourse, but statistically speaking I think he will do very well once he's born."

"It's fine then." Samantha agrees, though still reluctant. "You're still good juju, so as long as you're in the room it will all be fine."

"Ok." I say, standing up, and squeezing her hands tightly. "Call your husband and your family, I am going to go let my son's Nanny know I'm staying, and then I will see you up in the OR." I say, offering her a reassuring smile as I leave the room.


I walk quickly to Mark's room. Clara and Benjamins voices play out, like music through the busy bustle and flow of the noisy ICU floor, subcautiosly leading me to his room. I am distracted, not paying attention to my surroundings. I am standing in the doorway to his room without even really remembering the steps it had taken to get there.

"Is my Daddy going to die?" Benjamins question hits me like a ton of bricks, bringing me back to reality. He is sitting on the couch near Clara. His kindergarten homework spread across the small coffee table.

"I don't know baby." I say, as gently as I can manage.

"I see him in my dreams. He tells me he's going to die, and that I shouldn't be sad, because he is in a beautiful place. That's not true though right? The doctors can make him, better can't they?"

"Doctor's can't always make everything better." I tell him. "Benjamin, when the plane daddy was on crashed…" I walk over to the couch and sit down next to him. "The impact hurt Daddy's brain." I tussle his dirty blonde hair. He giggles a little. "And his spinal cord." I trace his spine with my finger. He squirms away, and then looks very serious again.

"What does that mean?" He asks.

"It means that Daddy's injuries are too severe for the doctors to make better. Daddy might not get better, not because he doesn't want to, but because he can't." My heart is breaking as I see the realization filling his eyes. He starts to cry, and climbs up onto my lap, burying his face in my shoulder like he used to, all those years ago when he was little.

"I didn't mean it. The mean things I said. Mommy I didn't mean it."

"I know baby….I know. It's ok." We sit there for a long while, just cuddling, hypnotized by the steady beeping of the life support monitors until my phone chimes, breaking the stillness. Arizona, texting, asking if I'm OK and letting me know the OR time. 1 hour from now.

"Please tell me that isn't someone saying you have to scrub in. You are on leave to spend time with your family Addison." Clara reminds me.

"I'm sorry." Benjamin had fallen asleep in my arms. "She's a long term patient of mine scheduled for an emergency c-section. Her husband is on his way back from out of town, but she is scared Clara, she has no one. I'm not going to operate, just stay with her until she and her baby are safely through the surgery.

"It's not your responsibility to be her person. You are putting yourself and your baby at risk to save hers."

"I am not putting anyone at risk by being a decent human being, and anyway isn't that what doctors are supposed to do? Put others before ourselves, the oath to serve and all?"

"Whatever, you're going to do what you want to do anyway."

"Why are you being such a bitch about this?" I ask her, trying to keep my tone even so I don't wake Benjamin.

"Your husband is in the hospital dying, he needs you; your son needs you." Her breath catches as she chokes back a sob. "I need you, and you're pulling away from everyone and everything."

"It's just one surgery Clara. Me showing up for her may be the life of death difference for her family. She didn't choose to go into preterm labor just to inconvenience me." I inform her. I gently lay Benjamin down on the bed next to Mark and kiss them both, before moving away. " I have to go scrub in. Are you staying, or o you want to go home? I can give you my keys…."


It is three full hours before I return to Mark's room. I sink down on the couch next to Clara, exhausted. Benjamin is sitting on the bed next to Mark, reading to him rom one of his schoolbooks.

"You missed breakfast." Clara observes.

"Sorry."

"I wasn't sure when you'd be done so we just went to the Starbucks in the hospital basement."

"Of course, you did." She loves spoiling Benjamin every chance she gets. I am tired, I curl up almost falling asleep.

"Do I want to know how the operation went?" She asks. Damn it. I move, trying to force myself to feel a bit more awake and alive.

"There were complications. I had to get emergency authorization to work on the baby while Arizona saved the mother. They're both fine now."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"I'm worried about you." She says gently.

"I'm not."

"Well, I wouldn't expect you to be. Typical Addison Adrienne Forbes Montgomery Sloan. Always worried about everyone else, so selfless and honorable." She rolls her eyes at me dramatically.

"I don't want to fight now." I say, in an attempt to shut her down. "Not in front of Benjie."

"Talking isn't fighting." She says, offhandedly. "I really want to know what you are planning to do to protect this baby." She says. "All of this additional stress isn't healthy."

"This has nothing to do with the baby. It's growing, and strong."

"You're putting to much pressure on yourself." She repeats.

"It was an emergency." I remind her.

"You're a neonatal surgeon, obstetrician god, it's always an emergency." She counters.

"I told you, we're not doing this right now." I say. "Benjamin how about we go to the park, or take that ride on the ferry boats I promised."

"No, I want to stay with Daddy." He protests. "I only just finished chapter 2."

"We should let Daddy rest for a while, you've already been at the hospital too much today."

"Daddy is asleep, in a coma, is that not resting?" He asks. I can tell he is still annoyed with me from this morning. My heart aches. I just want to spend time with him.

"It is but—"

"Ok then. I'm staying here." He says, opening his book back up, and continuing where he left off. "Clara says my Daddy can hear me, and if he can hear me, I think maybe he'll wake up." He explains, and I give Clara a dirty look. She has seen the scans. He's not waking up and giving Benjamin hope is damaging.

"I guess we're stuck here for a while longer." Clara announces.

"I don't know what you want from me." I say, sitting down next to her. "Do you really want me to never work again because Mark is…." I almost say the word 'dying' but I don't want to upset Benjamin.

"No. I just want you to take time to heal from this."

"Why are you such a nervous Nancy?" I ask her. "Maybe the only way I will be alight is by working my way through this. You were never this nervous when I was pregnant with Benjamin. I worked right up until the day he was born. I've had patients who've done the same. It's not uncommon. Clara."

"You have a choice. You are not going to be homeless if you don't work. Your utilities won't get shut off if you stay home on emergency and maternity leave. You won't starve. You can't compare yourself to the moms who have no other choice when you do"

"I can't Clara. My child hates me. My life is falling apart around me. I think work is exactly where I need to be. I need to keep busy. I feel like I am going completely insane."

"He doesn't hate you. He just needs you and doesn't know how to say it. This baby of yours needs you too. Mark wouldn't want you to be this stressed while you're growing the life you made together. I'm not asking forever Addison, just a few months."

"Fine." I agree, reluctantly, feeling like I am making a huge mistake.

"I just want you to be OK, I want your children to be OK, and it's going to take time."

"We will be… I promise. It's easy to be strong when you have no other choice."