Chapter 5:
Authors Note: Thank you for the wonderful reviews! Seriously! I love this story and Addison and Clara are wonderful. I wish there was a way that fanfiction could open a chat option under each chapter or something so the chapters can be talked about and discussed. This chapter is a bit fluffy and a bit short, but I love it anyway. I think Benjamin is confused as I'd imagine most kids who are raised primarily by Nannies would be. This is getting interesting and I am loving mostly every minute of it. Please keep reviewing, asking questions, commenting etc.
*2 Weeks Later*
Addison 32 weeks
"If you're home now will my Clara have to leave?" Benjamin asks vulnerably, looking at me, worried as Clara sits his breakfast in front of him. He takes a bite and smiles up at Clara. Once again, she's made his cereal just right. Everytime I've tried he's rejected it. It's not a complex recipe. Cereal first, then ¼ cup sliced bananas, ¼ cup sliced strawberries, and milk on top. I swear I don't know what I'd do without her. The kid would probably go on a hunger strike and starve to death. It's ridiculous really. I am one of the foremost neonatal surgeons in the country. I can manage advanced medical procedures on people before they're even born, yet I can't for the life of me get this recipe down. No matter how many mornings I attempt it he always rejects it. Too much cereal, fruits cut too big, fruits cut too small, too much fruit, not enough fruit, fruit placed in the bowl in the wrong order, too much milk, too little milk ,and the list goes on and on. It's enough to drive anyone insane. I look up from the medical journal I had been reading. He is looking at me expectantly. I am not used to morning chatter. I am normally at the hospital listening to the residents and interns round by this time.
"Sorry." I say. "I'll put this away OK?" I say, forcing myself out of my wandering thoughts. I close the journal and sit it aside. "Clara's apart of our family, and she is welcome here always Benjamin." I explain. "She'll only leave if she wants to."
"I thought you said Clara is my Nanny." Benjamin asks, looking confused.
"She is" I say at the same time as Clara says "I am"
"But you're home."
"Yes, for a little while."
"So…. For why do I need a Nanny?" He asks. I think about this for a minute before I answer. I want to get it right, for him, for her. After we got released from the hospital Clara had really stepped back and let me start spending more time with Benjamin. Of course, she's still here for when he wants her, or when I feel too bad and need a rest, but it's been nice to just be around him. To take care of him more than just odd weekends and a couple of hours before bed several days a week. My heart hurts when I think of the fact that I've done to him exactly what my parents did to me, pushed him off on someone else. No more. We just…. that just can't happen anymore. His father is gone. He needs me. Even if he doesn't realize it now, we need each other.
"Clara has been a part of our family since before you were born, she loves you so much. It would be an injustice to deny you that…."I pause for a moment. "Or deny her that, you're so lucky to have each other, you have an incredible bond that can never be broken."
"Are all kid's Nannies family?" He presses, eating more.
"I don't know Benjie. I'm sure the children love their Nanny like family how come?" I ask, not wanting to get into the snobbish children who treat their nannies like servants. I hope it's a long time before Benjamin realizes children like that exist. I would be horrified if one day he decided he was 'better than' Clara just because she cares for him and happens to have the position of a 'Nanny'. Or anyone else for that matter.
"Sheridan cried ALL DAY at school yesterday because her Nanny left." He says, pushing his food around in his bowl. I look over to Clara, having no clue who Sheridan was or her family's dynamics, she takes over and says gently to Benjamin:
"Sheridan's situation is very different than yours. Her Mommy made the choice to become a stay-at-home mom when her baby brother was born. So, they didn't need a Nanny anymore. Your Mommy…." She looks at me, silently asking if I want to intervene. I shrug my shoulders, she continues on. "Well, she's home for a little bit, but that's temporary." She looks at me again, not sure how to continue, so I step in.
"When your little sibling is born, I will stay home for a little while longer, but then I will go back to work. While I am at work Clara will keep you both safe… just like normal." I say, and he frowns and looks like he is about to cry.
"I thought you said things will change?"
"That's the best part Benjie…." I start, with a big smile, trying to sound super excited without sounding fake. I hate when people are so genuinely excited that they sound fake. "I didn't tell you yet, they just called and let me know this morning, but when I go back to work, I'll be home every night in time for dinner. Clara and I will still get to take turns reading to you and tucking you in at night like we do now. AND …." I pick him up and spin him around he giggles despite the serious look on his face. I sit him down. "I'll be home when you get home from school on Fridays, every weekend."
"Are you for serious?" He asks me. His eyes wide, almost hopeful at the possibilities.
"I am." I say, nodding. "I did this because I really want us to be able to spend more time together. You are so important to me. Do you know that?" I ask. He blushes, and then frowns up at me again.
"But couldn't you be a stay-at-home mom like Sheridan's mom?" He asks. I look to Clara for support and she puts her hands up in surrender and busies herself washing up the breakfast dishes.
"I would love to stay home with you baby." I settle, although I know it's not nearly enough.
"So how come you don't? You're a grown up. Grown up's can do whatever they want."
"Do you know what I do at work?" I ask him
"You're a doctor." He says. "Daddy made people beautiful and you… work with babies."
"Do you remember the name for that?"
"I don't know" He says frowning "Daddy was just like 'Plastics' yours, it's like….It's like forty-five things and then five other things with lots of letters and numbers?" He says, and I raise my eyebrows at him, fighting the urge to laugh.
"OK, so you're right. I do a lot of things at work. But the reason I have to return to work is because I was given a gift." I can see his eyes glazing over at this, what kind of gift? A Christmas gift? A toy? Maybe a book? "I was given the gift of extraordinary knowledge, and ability. The gift to do surgery." I say quickly. "One of my jobs is working as a neonatologist, do you know what that means?" I ask him. He shrugs, shaking his head. "I help babies, sometimes they are very little, usually they're very sick, or they're still inside their mom and have problems. I am one of the handful of doctors in the country who have been given the gift to help the sickest of these little babies."
"So, what's going to happen if brother or sister needs one of those?" He asks. He hops down, takes his bowl to Clara, and then looks at me again. He is biting his lip hard, changing the subject all together, from what I do at work, to the itty bitty growing inside of me, giving me weird cravings, and causing me to eat all the goldish crackers. I seriously think we need to name this child Goldfish. Mark probably wouldn't have been fond of the name.
" Benjie…" I soothe. "You don't have to worry about that. That's a Mommy worry. You're little. I want you to be little, for as long as you can. I don't want anything to ever take that away from you." I say, ignoring the pang in the back of my mind telling me he's growing up so fast because his father is dead. "Your little brother or sister is healthy and…"
"But-" He protests, just as my glucose monitor alert dings indicating low blood sugar. He goes silent as I check the numbers. 60. Low, but not emergent. I go to the fridge and pour myself ½ a cup of orange juice .
"Number?" Clara demands.
"It's fine." I say with a smile. "Just need some juice." I notice just how carefully Benjamin is watching me, not wanting to freak him out more I drink the juice down. "See…. Just fine." I assure them both.
"Can I wait with you for the bus today?" I ask Benjamin. Glad that he's seemed to have temporarily been distracted from or forgotten the previous conversation. Wondering if he was thinking of the nightmare, and the drawing from the hospital, like I have, every day, since he drew it. Maybe he's forgotten. He hasn't said anything else to me anyway.
"No. That's Clara's job." He says, suddenly cold. "I'll go get my backpack and shoes."
"We could both wait with you." Clara offers.
"No way… can't things just be normal for a little while?" He asks before running off and thundering up the stairs to get ready for school.
"It's OK Addison, you tried." Clara says, carefully.
"It's not OK." I say, shaking my head. "I was raised by Nannies. I don't know how to relate to him Clara. I don't know how to be a parent, not really. "
"Just keep showing up." Clara says, but she can tell I'm not buying it. "I think it will be hard, but it can be done Addison. This is partially my fault."
"How?" I ask.
"He's not used to you being home all the time, and I stepped back too much since you've been on leave."
"He's my child I should-"
"I understand, but I'm just saying, he's adjusting. I think if we go slower, he can transition to you being back home smoother. " She looks at her watch. "We have to go, we'll miss the bus, but let's talk more when I get back." She says, just as Benjamin comes bouncing down the stairs. Clara checks his backpack, quickly signing his homework and then making sure his shoes are on the right feet.
I go to him, and kneeling down, giving him a hug.
"I love you, and I am so proud of you. Have a great day at school."
"Uh huh you too!" He murmurs before wiggling away, taking Clara's hand, and walking out the door. I watch through the window as the big yellow bus pulls up and he steps in, taking his seat, waving at Clara through the window. I don't want to overwhelm him. I don't want this to be too much for him. I am just going to have to hope that day by day, little by little, a little becomes a lot and our relationship mends.
