Holding On & Letting Go

Chapter 6


Addison 32 Weeks (Still)

The night of the last chapter.


"He's finally asleep." Clara says coming down the stairs and into the kitchen. She hands me the baby monitor, and I smile down at Benjamin's sweet sleeping image on the screen.

"Do you think we're doing what's best for him?" I ask her. "I worry he's not adjusting well, maybe we should Facetime with Violet or… maybe fly out."

"Violet is in LA and you're not clear to fly." She says, eyeing the baby bump. I frown up at her.

"Facetime then, or we could drive?"

"Addison, there are many great child psychologists in Seattle, call Violet if you think it will help, but he really is doing fine." She says gently. "Plus, you, are on restrictions." I grimace at her. She loves to remind me of all the things I cannot do in effort to keep this baby in until 38 weeks. No sex, not that I was having sex anyway, no excessive exercise, no long car rides, no traveling by airplane, no excessive house cleaning, no heavy lifting, the list goes on and on. But the one I hear most frequently NO STRESS. no no no no no.

"I'm sorry you got him on a hard night." I sympathize. We sat down with Benjamin when he got home from school this afternoon and asked him what he would feel the most comfortable with. We came to the arrangement that we would split things equally. Of course, he wanted Clara first. This is all so new to him. I am normally still at work at bedtime during the week. It's one of his favorite things to do with her. So, I had my tea tonight while he still got his special time with Clara. Tomorrow will be my night.

"We agreed to every other night to help him adjust to you being home. I didn't agree to 'only when he's behaving like a bucket of sunshine and rainbows.' It's not a big deal anyway, if you were not home, I'd have still been putting him to bed.'" She says, frowning at me.

"Do you think things will ever get back to normal?" I ask her.

"What does normal look like to you?" She asks me.

"I miss you." I admit.

"Oh?" She asks. "Well, I'm right here, I haven't gone anywhere."

"That's not what I meant."

"We could find a new normal Addison."

"No, we can't."

"Why?" She grabs me by my upper arms, shaking me gently. "Addison. Our life is different, but our relationship doesn't have to change."

"Everything has changed."

"So, you're not interested anymore now that there's no sneaking around involved? Is that it?" Clara asks. "Was the chance Mark would walk in on us exciting for you?" She asks dangerously. I look at her momentarily dumfounded, not sure how this conversation turned so wrong so fast.

"You said you would give me time; you're not giving me time Clara." I take a deep breath, wiggle, pushing away from her and back up massaging my arms. She didn't shake me hard enough to hurt me, just enough to get my attention, but I'm rattled all the same.

"You're running out of time."

"So, you'll leave?"

"Stop putting words in my mouth." She says. "I only meant the baby will be here soon and you're going to need support." I open my mouth to argue, but she pulls me close, kissing me silent. My heart races, and I think maybe for a minute I am going to pass out. The baby moves, and I shift positions, breaking the kiss, catching my breath.

"Clara we can't do this."

"The kitchen isn't the best place." She agrees.

"Wait what?" I ask.

"What's stopping you?" She challenges me. "Is it your head saying no, or your heart?"

"Does it matter? No means No, yes?"

"Maybe…."

"How so?"

"Because Mark really wasn't such a stand-up guy."

"That's not fair."

"He wanted you to abort this baby." She reminds me. "He cheated on you, continuously."

"You can't hold that against him. He was coming around to the idea before -" I was going to say before he found us together, but she knows exactly what I'm talking about.

"Before you stopped doing what the world wanted you to do and allowed yourself to do what your heart was telling you to do. Before he realized that he would never be able to truly make you happy." She finished the thought for me.

"Stop that."

"What?"

"Romanticizing what we had."

"Have." She corrects me. "You can push me away, but I'm not giving up on you, our relationship wasn't just that night. Seven and a half years Addison, that's not nothing."

"I'm sorry."

"Are you? Really?" She asks.

"Yeah." I don't know what makes me do it, but before I can stop myself, or second guess myself we are entangled in each other's arms. I realize the motives were selfish. I'm just so tired, so miserable, so longing of just a little bit of human contact that I realized I no longer cared to hold back. The morning sickness still hasn't really stopped, and the medication doesn't help. I feel gross and undesirable such a large percentage of the time. I've lost more weight between the heartbreak of Mark's death and the morning sickness. Everytime I look in the mirror I am repulsed at what I see. I just want to feel, and look, like myself again. Why am I thinking about this now? This turned into something I didn't expect. Our kisses desperate and deep, touches longing. I hear the door open, and look up to see Amelia standing there, shocked.

"Amelia?" I ask, horrified. "Doesn't anyone in this world bother knocking anymore?" When I say Amelia's name Clara looks up from kissing my neck, and we mutually step away from each other, not ashamed exactly, just caught….. again.

"So, what Mark said is true? You're a lesbian now?" She asks, looking at me like she doesn't know who I am.

"I'm…." I start, but she sits down, trembling, looking like she'd been slapped. "How did you even get in here? The door was locked."

"The hideakey is still under the blue butterfly rock in Benjamin's fairy garden." She answers miserably. "How long has this been going on?" She demands, hurt in her tone.

"You have no right to barge in here and demand information on my relationships Amelia." I sit down in one of the chairs opposites of her. I look up at Clara, feeling truly apologetic. She stands behind me messaging my shoulders gently. She whispers, 'remember too much stress is bad for the baby.' as if us kissing erased the stress of arguing earlier. I hate that any little thing could be considered 'too much' and my body could react negatively to it. How do you know where the fine line too much and normal is? 6 more weeks. 6 more weeks until I can just be done and hold this tiny human in my arms. Only 6. That isn't too long. Is it selfish to just want to be done?

"That right there says it all." Amelia says, shaking her head. "You're a filthy whore. You cheated on Derek, and now you couldn't even wait until Mark's crotch fruit is out of your womb before cheating on him as well. You disgust me, the both of you."

"You will NOT talk about my children that way." A red-hot anger flush through me. "It's so fine of you to judge my life when you're drinking, doing drugs, and screwing anything with a pulse." I really wishing I could shake some sense into her. How did we get to this point? WE used to be so close. "Did you think I didn't know? I may have gone on Maternity leave earlier than expected, but I still see and hear EVERYTHING."

"I'm not doing drugs." Amelia protests, quieting down a bit.

"So, prove it." Clara says, "Because Addison works all day long, and these children are in my care." She is holding my shoulders tighter, holding me down, I guess thinking I am going to 'go after' Amelia if she gets too lippy. "I will not bring them around you, and you will not be welcome here until you are clean and sober." Her hands find their way down rom my shoulders to the baby. She leans over me, resting her chin on my shoulder, hugging me protectively.

"You don't get a say Clara. You're not my sister, and these children are not yours." Amelia gives Clara a murderous look and then turns to me again. "I'm their Aunt."

"It doesn't matter Amelia. Clara's right. If you want to be around my family from now on you will submit to random drug and alcohol screenings." I inform her. "I will not risk losing my children because you can't cope with life." OK, maybe that's one step too far. Her face crumbles from hurt, to pissed to devastated.

"How long has Mark known?" She asks.

"A while." I admit.

"When? When did he find out you betrayed him?"

"He…" I look up at Clara for help. I don't know how many details are safe to disclose. "He found us together a few days before he left on the trip." None of the complete truth seems safe amount. He caught us together before he left, but he knew about the affair, in its entirety.

"You let him leave angry." She accuses. "He left hurting."

"Amelia I-"

"This is all your fault!" She screams. "He shouldn't have been on that plane. He is terrified of flying."

"That's ENOUGH." Clara injects, before I can say anything else. "He left her. He wouldn't take any of her phone calls and wouldn't answer any of her texts. She was absolutely shattered. She left him over a thousand voicemails, and I don't know how many texts. She didn't even know he left the state until the police came to the house and let her know that he was in an accident. YOU don't get to blame Addison for this."

"I see your game. The two of you conspired to kill him for the insurance money so you could run off together and live your perfect little life with Mark's children." She access and I glare at her.

"Do you realize how ignorant you sound right now? I am a world class maternal fetal medicine neonatologist. Aside from my salary, bonuses, extra compensation, I have a 25-million-dollar trust fund. All of my bills are paid. Why in the hell would I kill Mark for his money?" I ask her. I was given a sizable amount of money upon Marks death from his personal checking and savings accounts and his life insurance policy. The doctors at the hospital have said they will be filing a lawsuit against the airplane company as faulty equipment was determined to have caused the accident. We will get a portion of that money, but I don't NEED it. I have divided everything equally into the trusts we had already established for our children.

"You better be careful." Amelia warns, looking at Clara. "Addison has the curse of Antimida's Touch. Every relationship she has ever been in has turned to shit. You'll be the next one with a broken heart if you don't stop this." She grabs her bag and leaves the house. I try and go after her, but Clara grabs me by the hand, pulling me back.

"She has to be under the influence. Clara, I have to go. She could get herself of someone else killed." I am crying, not really so much about what Amelia had said, but the thought of her getting hurt, or hurting someone else and ending up in prison.

"You can't Addison, it's been raining, and the roads are slick. You've already had enough stress tonight. Think of Benjamin and Jellybean."

"She's my sister."

"She'll be back, just give her time." She hugs me tight, and then we sit down on the couch. I should fight her harder. I should go after Amelia, but a wave of exhaustion washes over me. I just stay still.

"Well tonight could have gone better." I say, with a half laugh, half pout.

"It doesn't have to end just because Amelia visited."

"What do you mean?" I ask her.

"Put on your jacket and your boots, I want to show you something."

"Where are we going? Benjamin is upstairs sleeping; we can't leave him."

"Just to the back yard. I have the monitor." She says mysteriously. She gets a bag and places two wine glasses, sparkling grape juice, cheese, crackers, and some other snacks. She carefully places them all in the back, so they won't break, or get squashed and then puts on her coat and boots before placing the bag on her shoulder.

"Ready?" She asks, and I nod. I had put mine on when she first suggested. "OK close your eyes." She instructs.

"I don't like surprises Clara."

"Oh, you'll like this one." She picks up her laptop and puts it in the bag. "Benjie helped."

"Ok fine." I agree. I try to put my deep-rooted worry about Amelia aside and play along. It's obviously important to Clara that things go well. I don't want to ruin it. Whatever 'It' is. She takes my hand and leads me out the backdoor, down the steps of the porch and into the back garden. Instructing me where to step so I don't trip over anything with my closed eyes.

"Ok…." She says, and she sounds like she is going to burst with excitement. "Open your eyes."

I do, and the first thing I see is her goofy smile, she is standing right in front of me. I laugh and she moves out of the way. Behind her is what looks almost like an igloo greenhouse, but the top of it is a completely clear pane. The outside is decorated with dully lit, sparkling fairy lights that look like stars.

"Clara this is beautiful." I whisper.

"Come inside." She instructs. She opens the door and I get a good look at the inside for the first time. It is comfortably warm in here. There are two chairs, and a little table. A vase sits on the table with fresh flowers in it. There is a round, swing bed covered in pillows, next to it a box where a comforter is neatly folded.

"When did you have time to do this? Especially without me knowing?" I ask her.

"We can all be mysterious when we want to be, plus Benjamin gave me the idea, he said he wished he could lay down and watch the rain fall without getting wet. She opens the bag and places the wine, and snacks on the table. She makes sure the baby monitor is still working and checks on Benjamin. Smiling when she sees he is still sleeping peacefully in his bed. It is nice and warm in here. She shows me a remote on her phone and how the buttons control the temperature. She had turned the heaters on before Amelia arrived, hoping we'd eventually end up out here.

"So, you did all of this?" I ask her, amazed at her devotion.

She takes my hand again and leads me over to the swing, we lay down, looking at each other. "I want to slow down with you." She says.

"I don't know what that means."

"I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to slow down and explore all the wonderful things this world has to offer." She tries to explain.

"Clara…." I suddenly feel sick, as a wave of panic rushes through me.

"We don't have to put a name on it." She says quickly "I'm not much into labels, but I fucking love you. I love these kids." She is watching me, longing for me to say something. I would like nothing more to believe in magic and romance and fairytales, but what Amelia said keeps playing over and over in my head. How can I say what I am thinking without causing a fight, without ruining the night she worked so hard to create? She is playing with my hair, gently stroking it back away from my face. Can you say distracting?

"How can you even say that right now?" I ask her curiously. "With everything that's gone on?" I don't feel worthy of her love, or even her admiration.

"Because if you love someone, you tell them. I'm not going to stop telling you I love you just because our world's gone to shit."

"I love you too." I finally settle. It doesn't seem like enough though, even though I know it had always been the truth.

"But?" She asks, I guess sensing the hesitation in my tone, she looks worried, dismayed.

"Nothing." I snuggle closer to her. "I love you too."

"You hesitated." She points out.

"Can't we just enjoy this night?" I ask her, "Lets live in the moment and see what happens." I am trying to sound re-assuring. I just don't want to hurt her. I never wanted to hurt Mark either. Mark was working long hours, spending most of his days and nights at the hospital, working on a new clinical trial. I don't even know how it happened, and it seems like it was always destined to be at the same time. As cheesy as it sounds it felt like we were meant to find each other.

"I promised you I will give you time, and I stand by that promise. You can have all the time you need, but you can't let everyone else decide for you. We've been in this relationship for seven and a half years. I need to know what you think. I want to know how you feel. I need to know that we're going to be ok."

"Clara…" I start trying to sound reassuring, but my mind is going a hundred miles an hour and I begin to cry from the stress and overwhelming nature of it all.

"Shh… don't cry." She says, gently wiping the tears from my eyes with her thumb. "I'm sorry." She apologizes. "I just…. I don't know what I'd do if I lost you."


Authors Note:

Thank you everyone for reading Holding on & Letting Go! Please leave a review and let me know what you're thinking, questions, comments concerns, etc. Honestly, I think right now this is my favorite story to work on. I will now try to go around and update some of the others again. Something about Addison and Clara just got me hooked. 3