Chapter 8:

Addison 36 weeks.


I am asleep on the couch when Clara gets home. A detective show still playing on the television I had neglected to turn off before I fell asleep. It's been a long few day. Benjamin was invited to his very first sleepover birthday party, and she had taken him to that event for me. Honestly, I'm thankful for the peace and quiet. I really do owe her one though. Not only did she drop him off, but she also took him to his favorite toy store to pick out a present. I hate selecting presents for other people's children. You never know what they'll like so is the gift ever appropriate? Maybe it's just children's birthday parties that annoy me. They are so loud and crowded and… sticky. While at the toy store Benjamin had cried and explained that he wanted to get a present for the child's little sister as well, because she is only a baby, just one years old, and he doesn't want her to feel left out. She's "too little to understand adult things yet." Clara indulged him and got something for the child's little sister as well. Apparently only the birthday child getting a present on their birthday is an adult topic. I suppose I should just be relieved that he is empathetic to other feelings. I don't know the family as well as Clara does. We have lived next door to them our children's whole lives. They had playdates together since they were infants in diapers, and I can't even tell you the parents names. I am just not normally home enough. Clara always took care of that. I wake when Clara sits down beside me and hugs me ever so gently. I look up at her sleepily. Momentarily confused, feeling almost hungover from exhaustion. I give her a small smile all the same though. It takes me a moment to realize her expression is one of sadness and not one of joy. My heart begins pounding in those seconds that are eyes are locked. Trying to read her expression to determine what she's not saying, or what she's about to say.

"What happened? Is everything OK?" I ask. "Is Benjamin doing OK at the party?" She gives me a little smile when I mention his name, such fondness for my little boy shining in her eyes.

"Everything's fine, nothing happened." She says carefully. "Benjamin is really enjoying the party. He was playing on the bounce house with the giant slide they have set up in their back garden when I left. No one's hurt." She explains gently when she realizes that the panic is building up inside of me and I can't relax straight away. I take a few deep breaths, trying to ease the unnecessary anxiety that's filled me.

"That's great." I say, and she nods in agreement. "Why do you look like that then, if everything's fine?"

"Like what?"

"Like someone's just killed your kitten." I look at my pillow, longing to go back to sleep. Clara doesn't like me falling asleep on the couch. She read an outdated article about how sleep positions could increase the risk of stillbirth when Benjamin was a baby and has fretted over my sleeping arrangements ever since. The thought of climbing the stairs though… is just too daunting.

"You're in pain and that scares me." She admits, looking down at the ground, not really making eye contact. She's been doing this a lot lately. The baby's due date is getting closer and closer, I feel like she is carrying most of that unease. "Since Mark died, you've not been yourself. It's understandable, but I'm worried about you."

"I'm not in pain." I object. "Just normal pregnancy complaints, that's a blessing considering."

"You can barely walk. You've been sleeping all day long. You need to see a doctor." She points out.

"I'm not sick Clara, I'm pregnant. The baby has caught up in growth and is almost 7lbs now. These are all good signs. I'm exhausted and achy because my body is working overtime preparing to give this little one it's evection notice, and hopefully that's soon." I say, and she wraps her arms around me, smiling when baby moves. "See, everything's fine." I say, dismissing her concerns.

"The thought of you being hurt, or sick makes me physically ill."

"Sounds like you're going to be a fantastic birthing partner then." I joke. "Maybe they'll let you have a bed right next to mine when you pass out cold."

"Not funny Addison." She frows up at me.

"Oh, but it is. I've found your weakness." I say, jokingly.

"You haven't even come up with a birth plan or packed your hospital bags or anything really."

"Hey, that's not fair. I did do something."

"Oh? What did you do?"

"I went to the hospital and signed over from emergency family leave to maternity leave."

"I guess that is something."

"It has a nursery to sleep in and clean clothes to wear."

"I know Addison, but that's not what we're talking about."

"What exactly are we talking about then?"

"Are you prepared to give birth to this baby, knowing he's not here with you?" The question catches me off guard. We haven't talked about Mark in a while. I'm not really trying to move on extra fast or anything like that. He just hasn't come up between us, and it hurts Benjamin when we talk about him. He doesn't remember the bad times. To him his father was extraordinary. Our family pictures are still on the walls. Benjamin and the baby both have pictures of Mark and I in their rooms. He was here. He gave me my beautiful son, and this baby that's growing inside me now. I will forever be thankful to him, and because of this I will forever love him, and miss him. I just…. I can't move forwards if I keep looking backwards.

"Was there another choice?" I ask her callously.

"You're walking around here like everything's fine. Like the last few months didn't happen, but Addison, they did, and I don't think you're prepared for what's about to happen to you." She says, gently. "I don't think you're prepared for the grief you're going to feel delivering Mark's baby knowing he is no longer here. No matter how fucked up your marriage was you loved him. I know you did."

"I'm fine."

"Yeah right."

"Clara! Why do you want to argue right now?"

"Because you're lying to me, and you're lying to yourself and we can finally clear the air now that we don't have a five-year-old here to witness this conversation."

"I'm fine Clara. Couldn't we just eat popcorn and watch a movie? Go for a walk? Get an ice cream from the little shop down the street?"

"We need to talk about this Addison."

"I'm FINE, there's nothing to talk about."

"Are you though? Are you really? You could have fooled me because the last few days have been hell. You're pushing all of your emotions into some tiny box so you don't have to deal with them, but the thing is Addie, you will eventually have to deal with them."

"I'm fine. I'm taking care of myself, I'm here for Benjamin. The baby is healthy. What more do you want from me?"

"I want you to care!"

"And what exactly did you expect would happen if Mark hadn't of died?" I ask her. "Did you think I would deliver this baby, divorce Mark, and we'd have taken the kids and ridden off into the sunset to live out our happily ever whatever's together?"

"Obviously not, but honey the fact is he did die, and you're not grieving. You're bottling up everything inside and pretending like everything's fine. Everything's not fine. You're emotionally numb to this pregnancy, and I'm worried that going into labor and delivering your dead husband's baby is going to be too much for you. You're going through the motions, but are you truly ready for this?"

"I'm fine."

"If you say I'm fine one more time I swear to God Addison."

"What?" I demand. I know she's not going to hurt me; she's never done anything more than say mean words, and they only have power over me if I let them. She's not one to make threats she's not wiling to carry out. "Do you think I'm not doing everything I can? In a month, the baby will be born, I'll go back to work, and we can get on with our lives."

"That's not good enough Addison."

"Well, it's the best I have. If it's not good enough you can walk."

"You know I would never leave you over something like this." She mumbles. "But Addison you've got to get your shit together. This is happening faster than you're emotionally prepared for."

"I'm fine." She cringes and balls up her fists in frustration when I say this, but I can't help it. Things are going to be different. It will be sad. But it's not exactly an end all.

"I think you're depressed."

"Big surprise there."

"STOP with the sarcasm." She exclaims. "You're driving me crazy."

"Then stop pressuring me! You never believe me when I tell you I'm OK. I'm not lying to you. I'm not trying to mask things or cover things up. I really am JUST FINE. Most people would crack under the pressure I've been under these last few months, but I am doing everything I can EVERYTHING to make sure my kids are safe."

"I know you are… Addie…"

"You should be happy he's dead. You should be happy I'm trying to move on responsibility and not completely falling apart paralyzed with grief. Isn't this what you've always wanted? Mark out of the way so we can be together, raise the children together? You finally got your wish."

"I never wanted him dead Addison."

I look at her distrustfully. Suddenly, I feel like I'm drowning. Like I'm stuck underwater, and I can't breathe. "I am sick of you trying to control every single moment of my life. I just need to breathe." I say. "You can't possibly know how I feel. You have no idea what it takes everyday to even get out of bed in the morning. Much less go about my day as if my heart hasn't been broken in two."

"That's exactly the point. You shouldn't have to go about your day as if none of this has happened."

"Grief looks different for everyone." I say, deliberately. "You wanted a family. I gave you that, but you should be thankful he's dead."

"You're a complete apathetic bitch." She says, looking horrified, as if she doesn't know me.

"Oh really? Because I thought you wanted this baby." She looks confused.

"I do, more than anything, you got pregnant again so we could…"

"Mark wanted me to abort the baby." I say harshly, just wanting her to shut up and back off. Thinking to the many conversations and even arguments we had, even the week prior to his death. 'late term abortions are a thing Addison. We don't have to make this mistake into a bigger mistake.'"He wasn't backing off Clara. He didn't want this baby. He wouldn't have stopped. You should be thankful he's dead. I chose you over him. In a month you will have the baby I promised you we would have, but until then you need to back off, and let me grieve how I see fit."

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