Holding on and Letting Go:


Addison 38 Weeks:


"Mommy?" Benjamin asks, disappointedly as he looks down at me confused bouncing down the school bus steps. He throws himself into my arms anyway. I wasn't expecting that and stumble, almost falling. I hug him back and then look up to see Clara glaring at me, concerned from where she was watching at the front window. 'So overprotective.' I think, but smile up at the house all the same, letting her know I'm fine, everything's fine. Benjamin is dancing around me, chattering nonstop.

"I want a dinosaur car for my birthday." He says. "Ashton has a real dinosaur car."

"Ashton's a spoiled brat." I had met this child when Clara had dragged me along on a playdate. He cried and screamed and threw a hissy fit because his nanny dared to give him a blue cup instead of an orange one, and then threw his food at her. He broke one of his toys so that Benjamin couldn't play with it, and then cried to his mother, lying, and saying Benjamin broke it. I flat out refused to give them money to replace it.

"He is not! He is the most popular kid in our class."

"That doesn't mean anything." I say. "Sometimes being kind is more important than being popular."

"Why are you here anyway?" He asks me. "It's Clara's day to walk with me."

"I just thought it would be nice to walk together." I say, smiling at him. "I have to supervise an important surgery tonight on the computer, so I will be busy over dinner time." His face falls and he calm down a bit.

"Oh, not again!" He whines. "That's the third time this week Mommy."

"The new doctor needs my help. She hasn't worked in the field as long as I have."

"She's incompetent Mommy."

"That's not very nice." I correct him. "She's doing her best and you will treat other adults with respect."

"But…."

"No buts. Benjamin I'm serious everyone has to start somewhere."

"How is her best very good if they have to keep calling you to tell them how to save the patients?" He counters.

"Enough of this for now, let's go inside." I want to say more. Explain how she is straight from her fellowships. Explain how she was given the attending position, despite her lack of experience, because they couldn't find anyone else. I want to explain how difficult my job is even before all the surgeries, but there is no point. He doesn't understand, not really. To him I just save babies. We walk up the steps and inside the house. He takes off his jacket, hat, and gloves before plopping his backpack on the kitchen table to begin his homework.

"I'm hungry." He says.

"Clara says it's spaghetti night." I say, and he smiles big, conversation from earlier already forgotten.

"That's my favorite!" He says happily before turning to Clara and telling her all about his school day.

"I know, isn't it great to have our favorite foods?" I ask.

"It really is." He says, opening his science notebook, and quickly filling in the answers to the questions. To different worksheets on dinosaurs.

"Do you want to know what we did today?" He asks me.

"Sure." I say.

"Guess."

"I don't know, just tell me, you seem very excited." I get him a pack of apple slices from the fridge and a glass of milk. He starts on his snack before speaking again.

"We went to the children's museum. I escaped my class. It was EPIC. Mrs. Bellivan had a nervous breakdown. She thought I was kidnapped." He is smiling up at me, so innocently.

"That sounds… interesting." I say. "Why did you leave your group?"

"There's a Gross Anatomy exhibit there Mommy and today was the last day. I already know about the kids' section of the museum, Clara takes me there all the time, I don't know about how the human body works, or what we look like when our skin is removed." He sounds so excited I can't be mad at him.

"It sounds like you've had a busy day."

"Yeah." He says.

"That sounds great." I say, instinctively checking my phone. Three missed calls from his teacher. I hadn't even heard it ring. He hands me a handwritten note. I skim it over. It basically says your child got lost, we found him again, please sign this in acknowledgment that the incident occurred. If this is a continued problem, he will be ineligible to go on future fieldtrips without a parental chaperone. "Clara or I will go with you next time so that you won't have to worry about sneaking away." I offer.

"No. It's OK." He says. "I just really wanted to, just this once. I won't do it again." I know that tone. He's not telling the truth, but I decide not to press him too much, this is the last field trip of the semester anyway. I know he has already gotten spoken to by his teacher.

"Ok. It's Ok then, just this once. I really am glad you had a fun day." I turn to Clara who is just watching us, as Benjamin turns to his math homework. I know it is math and then independent reading for at least 10 minutes.

"Are you OK to watch him?" I ask her. "I need to be on Skype in an hour. I'd like to take a shower first." I look like death. My hair has been in the same messy bun all week. I don't remember when the last time I wore make up was, or even washed my face and my teeth. My shirt is too sticky and too hot despite the cool temperature outside.

"Of course, I love it when Benjie helps me cook." She smiles down at him with such love. "I bet he can cook this better than I can by now." She says, and he beams with such pride. He scribbles the last few answers on his worksheet, and then grabs a book from his backpack.

"Clara I can read while you cook today?" He asks her. "I checked this out from the library." He holds up a book for our examination. 'Alice in Wonderland.'

"Sure. We can read a chapter every evening if you want, with Mommy and with me."

"Okay." He agrees, a bit reluctantly when she includes me in his plans.

"Mommy?" Benjamin looks up from jamming his worksheets back in their folder.

"Yes?"

"Is that baby every going to get born?" He asks, glaring at me, annoyed like I am intentionally causing this to take longer. "She's taking forever."

"Eventually why?"

"I just want my life to go back to normal." He says, reluctantly.

"I don't know what that means."

"When the baby is born Daddy can come home and…."

"Benjie daddy's not coming home." I say gently, looking over to Clara concerned. "The baby coming won't change that. Our life will be different than it is now, but it won't bring your daddy back."

"That's not true."

"Honey it is."

"NO! You're a LIAR!"

"Go to your room." I say. I am trembling. It's never easy when your child takes such a tone with you. "You can finish your reading after dinner."

"No!" He screams, tears falling fast and heavy from his eyes. "No, I won't!"

I'm not thinking when I walk over to the kitchen chair he is sitting on and scoop him into my arms. I just want to make him feel better. To comfort away the hurt. I sink down to the ground with him, leaning against the kitchen island. He is thrashing around too much though. Angry with me. Not wanting me near him. Trying to escape in a full-blown panic. I talk soothingly to him, gently stroking his hair back, trying to calm him. Clara comes over to us after a while and attempts to help. In the process of him trying to get to her, and her lifting him away from me he kicks me hard in the abdomen. I clasp my hand tightly over my mouth to keep from crying out as pain rushes through me, radiating.

"Addison?" Clara asks, horrified. She gently rubs Benjamin's back and within seconds he is calmed, and dry sobbing in her arms.

"I'm OK." I say, catching my breath as the initial shock passes.

"I am so sorry. I shouldn't have tried to move him. I was just worried about him hurting you."

"I'm fine, everything's fine. Accidents happen."

"He kicks so hard, let me take you to L&D just to be sure."

"For fucks sake. I said I'm fine!" I exclaim, standing up. "I have to do the conference call. I say, checking my phone as it buzzes with the notification to log on. I can't be late, they already put the patient under." She presses her lips together, so thin they're almost invisible. She's censoring. Not saying the thing, she truly wants to say.

"I take care of dinner and bedtime." She offers. "Then we can talk."

"Fine." I say carefully.

"Okay." I agree.


I pace back and forth across the upstairs hallway. I had been going up and down the stairs, but they creak, and I don't want to wake Benjamin, not now. I curse myself for not calling the repairman to fix those stairs last year when they first started squeaking. Mark insisted we could save a fortune if he just did it himself. They never got repaired. We could have easily afforded the fix, but Mark was on a saving money everywhere possible phase. I was just trying to be supportive.

"You're still awake?" Clara asks, looking out the bedroom door sleepily. "Jesus Addison, it's 4am. Did you even come to bed last night?"

"Do I look like I came to bed last night?" I ask her. "Are we playing a game of state the obvious now? You're awake too."

"You're pacing. I can't sleep when you're pacing. What's wrong?" She asks, I follow her back into the bedroom and she props herself up on the bed, watching me walk back and forth.

"I'm fine, just anxiety I guess."

"Come lay by me. You skipped dinner and you know how your blood sugar gets wonky when you don't eat. Have you tested?" She asks me.

"Yes, normal."

"Good."

"Uh huh." I say, I am trying to focus and she's distracting me. Cramping and sporadic contractions had started shortly after getting kicked and has lasted through the night. Nothing horrible though.

"Okay but I need you to stop. You're making me dizzy." She says, climbing back out of bed. She walks over to me and stops me by placing her hands on my upper arms. "Let's go downstairs and have some coco, or some tension tamer tea."

"I'll just stay downstairs." I offer. "You go back to sleep."

"I have to be up in an hour anyway with Benjamin. Kind of pointless, isn't it?"

"I'm sorry I woke you."

"What's really wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah. I just couldn't sleep." Another cramp comes at just the wrong time, and I am unable to keep my expression clear.

"You're hurting." She observes.

"I think I might be in labor." I admit.

"You think or you know?"

"I think."

"How do you not know? You deliver babies for a living." She demands.

"It's not really something I've spent time considering. I've only done this once before." I say, and she sighs dramatically at me.

"I'm fine, really, just a little sore."

"How long has it been?"

"Since last night."

"You're going to the hospital." She says. "I'll help you pack a bag."

"No." I say, shaking my head. "It's still flu season, and it's too soon anyway. I don't want to risk going in and catching something if it's false labor. The contractions aren't consistent. If it's real labor, it's early. On second thought the idea to have coco sounds nice. We should before Benjamin wakes up."

"So, you want to wait until the very last minute? Until there is an emergency?" She clarifies.

"We're both doctors. What's the worst that can happen? There won't be an emergency, Clara. If things progress, I will go to the hospital."

"I'm sure you know the answer to that." She grumbles. "Do you really want to risk…." She starts, but I stop moving and grab her, kissing her hard, just wanting her to lose her train of thought, wanting her to shut up.

"Addison… we can't do this."

"Can't do what?" I ask almost teasingly, but I sigh at look on her face and back away. "Snuggle, drink coco, binge watch American Horror Story?" I ask. Certain her mind was not where mine was. "We have at least 8-10 hours to kill before anything interesting happens. We could watch an entire season."

"You're too cheerful. You're lying about something."

"Why would I lie? I have nothing to gain. I'm OK for now." I lay down on the bed, and she lays next to me.


"Addison, honey I'm going to need you to wake up, you're burning up." She says, shaking me gently.

"What happened?" I ask, opening my eyes wearily. "What time is it?"

"I just saw Benjamin onto the bus." She says. "You were crying out in your sleep."

"Fantastic." I reply weakly, not sure of what's going on. I felt fine before I fell asleep. I feel like I have a hangover now, and the cramping has intensified. Still doesn't feel like what I remembered with Benjamin. Probably just Braxton hicks from dehydration or something. I try to justify the pain to myself, refusing to believe that something this minor could be something so big. It's probably just soreness from the accident last night. Nothing to be concerned about.

"I've called Arizona. She will be here within the hour." She says, absentmindedly fluffing her pillow before plopping it down on the bed.

"Seriously? You ratted me out to Arizona?"

"You're fever is 103.6." She informs me. "And your blood sugar was 75 when I checked it just now."

"I'm fine, probably just a cold." She hands me some Tylenol and a cup of water. I sit up and take them.

"You're contracting, every 30 minutes. I could feel them when I was laying with you."

"They're not real contractions if I could sleep through them."

"We'll see what Arizona says." She says. I can tell she is trying to avoid an argument. She helps me up and we go into the living room. "Have some breakfast." She instructs. She has set out a bowl of soup, a roll, and a glass of juice with ice on the TV dinner tray, gentle foods, comforting foods.

"You as well." I sit down. I'm not hungry, but I drink the apple juice anyway. She turns on an episode of American Horror Story and sits down next to me on the couch.

"I already ate with Benjamin this morning."

"Oh."

"You don't have to be afraid Addison. I'll go with you. I'll stay with you until it's time to get Benjamin from the bus." The bus drops him off late, around 5pm, a few days a week due to after school activities. Art, and Athletics. I don't say anything. Just eat a few bites of soup, she's watching so carefully. I roll the tray away from the couch, so it doesn't accidentally get knocked over, and just lean against her, resting my head on her shoulder. Not even paying attention to the television as I fall back asleep.


"Addison how are you feeling?"

"Tired."

"I'm sorry to wake you. I'll be quick. Clara says you have a fever and labor may have started. Can I check?"

"How did you even get that machine in here?" I ask her, annoyed.

"Clara made it clear that you are refusing the hospital, so I'm bringing parts of the hospital to you." She had somehow managed to smuggle out a combo ultrasound NTS fetal monitoring system, as well as a full IV machine pole. "I borrowed a coworker's truck. What Richard doesn't know won't hurt him."

"You're risking your job for this?"

"Seems more responsible than letting you risk your baby."

"Just lay down and let her check." Clara instructs.

"Whatever." I say, wanting to get this over with as quickly as humanly possible. "With the machine only though. If this isn't labor, I don't want to speed things along."

"That's why I brought it." She says patiently. She puts a thermometer to my head and checks my temperature. "102.4" she says, jotting it down in a notebook, as well as today's date and time. She takes my blood pressure noting "Slightly elevated" and the numbers. She checks my blood sugar again "Low range normal." I am laying super still while she sets up the ultrasound machine, and then lifts my shirt, exposing my stomach and the deep purple bruise.

"This looks bad, Addison, what happened?"

"The baby's fine. It's been making all of its kick counts consistently."

"That's not what I asked." She says, and I look to Clara, who looks shocked at the size and coloration of the bruising, looking like I deceived her by not saying something. I didn't know the bruise was that bad. It doesn't hurt much. I wasn't even thinking about the ramifications of Arizona seeing the bruising. It seems embarrassing to admit to Arizona that Benjamin kicked me. It's like admitting I'm such a shit parent that I can't control my child's behavior. That last bit is though. I don't know him like Clara does. I can't calm him the way she does.

"There was an accident with Benjamin last night, I got kicked, but I'm fine." I say, putting particular emphasis on the word accident. She notes that down and then puts the gel on my stomach and moves the wand around. First to the baby, it's heartbeat fills the room as she checks, and measures, then lower to check for cervix dilation. Clara holds my hand as she takes the different measurements, and then goes back to baby and double checks the measurements there.

"Baby is measuring right on track, everything looks fine." She says. "You may have an infection, but there's really no way to tell without you being at the hospital for testing. I'd like to start you on a broad-spectrum antibiotic just to be safe. We'll do the testing to confirm later when you come in."

"I'm staying home."

"I don't know if you're in shock, or what, but that's a really horrible idea." Arizona says quickly.

"You just said everything is fine."

"Everything is fine."

"OK then, enough of this." I wipe the gel from my stomach. She gives me a look of frustration, holding up the monitoring sensors and the bands. "I won't be forced into continuous monitoring. I need to move around."

"It's only a 2-hour long NST to see how baby is handling the contractions. You'll survive." Clara says. Squeezing my hand tightly.

"I can't even feel them."

"Consider yourself lucky. They are strong enough to show up on the monitor and cause cervical change. You are 2cm dilated and about 50 % effaced. You had two just in the time it took me to do the ultrasound." Arizona informs me.

"Fine." I say, and she prints out the little pictures and hands them to me, I hand them to Clara without even really looking at them. Arizona looks at me, concerned.

"The IV antibiotics will help you feel better, and then we'll just see how the rest of this progresses. If I had to guess you only have about 10-14 hours before you get to meet your baby." She says a little too cheerfully. She takes my hand and places the catheter for the IV and starts the fluids and antibiotics. "I have surgery, but I will be back in a couple hours to check on you. Clara has my number if you need me sooner." She chats with Clara for a few minutes, giving her instructions and then leaves without me saying anything else to her.

"How many times are you going to say, 'I'm fine' today?" Clara asks me.

"How many times are you going to obsess over something that doesn't need obsessed over?"

"You're being reckless."

"You're smothering me without just cause."

"Addison that's not fair, you know I only want what's best for you, for the kids."

"Do you really think this is what's best?" I ask, gesturing to the monitoring equipment and iv. I can't see the printout from the monitor, but I am sure everything's fine. Baby's heartbeat sounds wonderful, that's not what a baby in distress sounds like.

"I would do anything to keep you safe. You must know that by now."

"This is hurting me." The baby doesn't like being monitored, and always tries to escape the ultrasonic waves.

"It's this here, or this at the hospital, you're choice."

"Clara…." My voice is whiny, and I hate it. "Please?"

"No."

"Fine. Distract me then."

"With what?"

"Anything."