Holding On & Letting Go
Chapter 10:
"Benjamin Montgomery-Sloan!" I call up the stairs, swearing under my breath as I bend as much as I possibly can and rubbing my foot where I had just stepped on one of his toy action figures.
"What?!" He asks, clumping down the steps one stomp at a time.
"I need you to come pick up your toys."
"Why?" He demands, and I just stare at him. I am exhausted and I know I am driving Clara as crazy as she's driving me. I sent her to the grocery store to do the weekly shopping, and in the time, she was gone cleaned the entire house from top to bottom. Trying to distract myself. If I focus hard enough on something else, I can pretend this isn't happening. Things aren't progressing very quickly. Arizona pops in every couple of hours to check, and then goes back to work. When Clara got home, I told her she should go rest, before anything interesting happened. Benjamin did him homework while I put the groceries away.
"It took a lot of time, and effort to clean the house today. I need you to pick up the toys you were just playing with."
"It's not my job." He says pointedly.
"Whose job is it then?"
"It's your job, or Clara's, you're the adults."
"It doesn't work like that here…" I start, but a contraction, a real one this time, washes over me like a wave crashing upon the shore. "Fuck…" I murmur. Rubbing at the spot.
"Clara says that's a "no no" word." Benjamin says, in an annoyingly sing song voice as he halfheartedly picks up his toys and throws them in the toy bin one by one as hard as he can.
"Sometimes no no words are needed." I say.
"Is that a new rule?" He asks.
"Only for adults." I say quickly.
"Mommy you're bleeding." He points out. "There's blood."
"It's OK." I say, as soothingly as I can. His face is so pale.
"Do you want me to call 911?" He asks, timidly.
"No… baby. Run upstairs and get Clara. I'm ok. Don't be afraid. It's just blood."
"She's resting. You said to never bother her when…."
"I know what I said, but this is different. This is an emergency, OK?" He starts crying, but nods as he runs up the stairs. I take a deep breath and go to the downstairs bathroom taking a clean outfit from the dryer and wash up as best I can. Pulling on the clothing, and a pair of depends on to catch the blood incase it gushes again. Clara is waiting for me when I come out of the bathroom. One look on her face and I dissolve into tears.
"I'm sorry. I'll clean up the mess."
"I'm not worried about that." She says, looking at me oddly. "Baby…I'm worried about you." I get a rag and cleaner and go after cleaning up the blood anyway, careful to not get blood on my clean clothes while I'm cleaning. She grabs another rag and we work in silence until the blood on the ground is cleaned, and the bloody rags are thrown into the washer, and started with my bloody clothing.
"Is Benjamin OK?" I ask her.
"He's a little shaken up."
"I should have just gone to the hospital when you told me too. I probably scarred him for life."
"He will be fine. Arizona is on her way here already. She'll check you again, and then we can head to the hospital."
"I need you to stay with Benjamin. He must be so afraid."
"You can't do this alone Addison."
"It will be OK. I promise."
"I love you."
"I know. I love you too."
"I don't want you here." I say. I am laying in a hospital bed, hooked up to all the machines when Amelia walks in.
"Of course, you do. Clara called me."
"She wouldn't dare."
"Something about not wanting you to be alone, and me being the closest thing to family you have around here despite being a royal screw up."
"That sounds like something she would say."
"That's because she did, say it. I can let you hear the voicemail if you don't believe me."
"She's an idiot."
"She loves you."
"That doesn't make calling you any less of a shit move. We haven't seen or spoken to you since that night at the house."
"She doesn't want you to do this alone." She says, and for the first time since arriving at the hospital I break. Benjamin has developed a severe phobia about the hospital, and so we didn't tell him where I was going, just that Aunt Arizona was taking me to have the baby. I am thankful that Clara stayed with him. He needs stability right now.
"I'm scared." I whimper, biting down hard on my trembling bottom lip. By the time we had gotten to the hospital the bleeding had completely stopped, and baby's heartrate and oxygen levels were back to normal with each contraction. I hate these hospital rooms, they are too clean, too impersonal. Shortly after arriving my water had broken, splashing warmth on the cold, hard, vinal floor. It took until then to realize what Clara has been telling me for the last three months as time was moving too quickly and too slowly in a whirlwind all at once. I'm not ready for this. This isn't how things were supposed to be. Mark was supposed to be here with me. We were supposed to do this together. Despite our differences we were working on making things better. I had stood there frozen, terrified of what the next few hours would bring.
"You're not alone Addison." She says, reading my thoughts. "Plus, you've cooked that little gremlin for thirty-eight weeks. It's bound to be done by now." She jokes, but she is watching me carefully. "You look like you've just seen a ghost." She observes.
"I'm fine though. It's OK." I whisper, but I am so far from fine it wouldn't even really make it onto the grid of fineness.
"Where have I heard that before?" She asks unimpressed. She says something else; I don't catch, I assume it's probably bitchy, because that's just the way she is. She has no filter. My mind is wandering though. I don't want to do this. My eyes glass over as I watch a bird, flying into a tree outside the window. hard to let down your guard, to be vulnerable when you're in so much pain. A contraction sends me curled tight into a ball.
"You have to relax Addison. You have to let go. Stop fighting them, it only makes them worse." She is right beside me, her hands on my back messaging until she feels my body relax, and the contraction has passed. It wasn't supposed to be this way. It wasn't supposed to hurt this bad. I am not talking about the physical pain, that I can deal with. It is the emotional pain that I can no longer carry. The pain that drills its way into my soul and rips it into shreds. The pain of knowing Mark will never see his children grow up. He's gone. He is in the ground, and we're still here, stuck in what seems like an endless cycle of confused mourning.
"I'm not doing this. I refuse." I say, taking off the hospital gown I had put on after my shower earlier and pulling on some normal clothes that were in the bag Clara shoved in the vehicle with me. A t shirt and a soft flowing skirt. "I'm leaving. I need to be at home with my son, not in a hospital."
"Addison." Amelia says, and I can smell the alcohol on her breath the moment she comes close. The smell is enough to send me to the sink, vomiting up all the contents of my stomach.
"Have you been day drinking?" I ask, repulsed, wiping my mouth when the vomiting subsides.
"It's nothing."
"Obviously, it's something. Your breath is atrocious."
"I'm fine."
"Uh huh, so am I." She looks at me and narrows her eyes. "Are you ready to move past the bullshit lies now?" I ask, pacing back and forth along the hospital room, stopping with each contraction until it passes. Arizona wanted more checks on baby. She wanted me hooked up to continuous monitor and an IV. I refused, telling her to leave me alone and if I needed assistance, I'd ask for it. Aside from checking when my water broke, and fifteen minutes on the monitor every hour she has mostly left me alone.
"Are you ready for your baby to be born on the side of the road? You're in labor Addison, you're not thinking clearly, you could go from a 7 to a 10 in minutes."
"Or it could take days. I delivered Benjie. If it came down to it, I could do it again."
"You had Mark there. He was there to help you, to support you."
"I need to be at home. Benjamin has been spending so much time with Clara. I should be home. It's my turn to feed him diner and tuck him in and … and …." I stop, my voice cracking. "What if he's scared?"
"Why would he be scared? Clara has been his nanny since he was born."
"I'm his mother and I am admitted to the same hospital where his father died."
"You're projecting. He's only 4."
"He's almost 5, and so smart Amelia."
"He's too young to fully understand Addison, trust me."
She takes out her phone and FaceTime's Clara, who puts down the dirty dish and smiles.
"How are you doing? Do we have a little Montgomery Sloan baby yet?" She asks.
"Not yet." Amelia says grimacing. "I wish we could swap places. Addison … she needs you. I don't know how to help her. She needs someone to ground her. Someone to lift her spirits." She pans the phone over to me and I catch sight of myself in the screen. I look like shit. I hadn't bothered with makeup, and my hair, I had just pulled it into a messy bun, not even brushed, when I had gotten out of the shower. The tenseness in my body shows, tired from the hours of fighting against the contractions. I can't relax though. Not really, and I don't want medication. I need to feel this pain. It helps break through the numbness. It helps me remember that I am alive. I sit on a yoga ball, bouncing, trying to speed the process along.
"Hey…" Clara says gently, and I instantly begin to cry. Amelia hands me the phone and leaves to the other side of the room, offering us some illusion of privacy.
"I'm sorry… I just…" I look down, and away from the screen. Ashamed for her to see me crying.
"No… baby you're OK. shhh it's OK Addison look at me." She demands, and I look up again.
"I'm afraid."
"I know…" She says, taking a deep breath. "But listen to me Addison. You are beautiful and amazing and strong. You are kind and passionate and driven. You're going to get through this."
"Something's wrong." I tell her. I can't put my finger on it, just a feeling. Something eating away at the edge of your mind. "I need you to make me a promise."
"Anything."
"I don't think it's going to be OK this time." I say softly.
"What are you talking about. Of course, it is. I know it doesn't feel like that right now, but Addison you're right in the middle of this. It's almost over. You'll see."
"In my safe deposit box is my will, claiming you as the children's rightful guardian upon my death as well as our life insurance policies, the deed to the house, my trust fund, and the children's that will become theirs when they turn 18. Our bank information and other important documents are in there as well."
"You're not going to die."
"The key is in my jewelry box. Under my mothers' necklace."
"Addison…"
"Please Clara… Just in case." I ask, but she's crying now. "I'm sorry. Clara please don't cry." I'm crying, she's crying, were both a mess. "I just need to hear you say it… I was never a great mom, and this might be the last thing I can do for them."
"You know I'll always take care of them." She says gently. "But I need you Addison, we're a team. I can't do this without you."
"I'm so tired Clara."
"I know…. You just have to hold out a little longer. Do you want me to come to the hospital? I can bring Benjamin and I can switch out with Amelia." She offers.
"No… I'm OK he will be more comfortable at home. Amelia's been drinking she can't drive." The expression on Clara's face when she hears this is one of fury.
"She told me she was sober, she showed me recent clean tests."
"Well, I guess she's fallen off the wagon again."
"At least say goodnight to Benjamin." She says. "I know things have been rough the last few days, but I'm sure it will help you feel better."
"Ok." I agree. She walks up the stairs and then the stairs and Benjamin's space themed bedroom comes into focus. I can hear his white noise machine in the background and see his nightlight projecting dancing stars around the room.
"Hey Benji, your Mommy's on the phone." Clara says, sitting down on the bed and handing him the phone.
"Mommy?" He asks, dropping the book he was reading. "Is the baby here yet?"
"No not yet sweetie. I just missed you so much. I wanted to call you and say goodnight."
"You're late. Clara put me to bed hours ago."
"I know, but I have a good reason. Your little brother or sister will be here soon, and besides this is the first time I've been late saying goodnight since you were born so…. I guess you'll have to forgive me." I tease him. He giggles a little, but then turns serious again.
"Ok… just this once, but mommy, you look weird. Are you mad at me?"
"No honey… I'm not mad."
"I didn't mean to hurt you."
"It was an accident. Accidents happen it's nobody's fault."
"You're face is all white with red splotches." He observes.
"Right… well it takes a lot of work for a baby to be born." A contraction comes and I turn the phone quickly and put my hand over my mouth holding my breath, until it has passed. I know it's not opportune, but I don't want him to see me in pain or hear me cry out.
"Mommy? You're at the hospital?" I hear a small little voice. I force myself to breathe, and when I can speak normally again, I say.
"Of course, I'm at the hospital, I work at the hospital silly where else would I be?" I try to make light of this, but I realize that despite telling him 'It's time for the baby to come, Clara will stay with you.' I never went into the details of exactly where this happens or how. Just assumed that he would understand because I deliver people's babies for a living, and I work at a hospital.
"No." He is crying now. "You said that the baby is coming, and you have to go have the baby. Did you lie? Are you hurt-ed like Daddy?" I look over at Amelia helplessly, but she is downing one of those little travel sized bottles of Gin, ignoring us. I wonder what she's avoiding by hiding out in here with me?
"No….. baby…." I try and soothe. "Do you remember what my job is?" I ask, and he looks from Clara to me on the screen, and back again.
"You're a doctor. You help moms have their babies."
"Right, and I work at a hospital. Some babies are born at home like you were, and some babies are born in the hospital like your little sister or brother will be."
"You're not hurt?" He asks wearily. "Your face looks hurt." Fucking contractions. It was so sudden. I wasn't able to turn the screen away in time this time.
"I'm not hurt, the baby is just working to make it's way out of my tummy, and you know what? I am so excited for you to come and see me tomorrow to meet your new little sister or brother!" I say, trying to sound happy, but he doesn't look convinced. "It hurts to have a baby, but I am not hurt. Does that make sense?" I ask, and he considers this a moment.
"Ok but Mommy?" He asks, sniffling.
"Yeah?"
"You don't have to call the baby "it" anymore. She's really a girl."
"You'd like to have a little sister?" I ask.
"Well, not particularly." He says. "I wanted a little brother so I can play in the mud with him, but Daddy says baby is a girl, and you should call her Grace."
"You miss your Daddy don't you sweetheart?"
"It's not so bad. I see him every night in my dreams."
"Ok…." It's getting too hard to talk now though. "Baby I've got to go, but if you see your daddy tonight… tell him I love him, and I miss him."
"Alright Mommy love you!" He says, all of his tears forgotten, and I can see him climbing back under his covers. And Clara handing him his astronaut teddy from Build a Bear, before walking out of the room and gently closing the door.
"You're going to do fine. You've got this beautiful." She says in that tranquil, soothing tone of hers. All I can do is nod, and whisper 'Ok.' As I hang up the phone.
"Addison, let's check on baby and see how far you are progressing, then you can walk again." Arizona says, coming into the hospital room like a bumbling ray of sunshine. After spending last night, and the entirety of today in labor, just the sight of something this 'bright' makes me want to vomit.
"It's like 10pm, why in the hell are you so cheerful?" I ask grumpily. The exhaustion is setting in. I need to rest. I wish I could just rest. I used to secretly judge people who chose a natural birth. God or whoever gave us the wonderful invention of an epidural, and other pregnancy safe medications. I said it was 'Stupid' but 'Not my call to make, since I'm not the one in labor.' I think I have amended my opinion. Unmedicated childbirth if you have a loving support person can be fine. Without one though? Absolute hell. I wish I had gone for the epidural, but I've made it this far. I know I won't.
"Oh, sweetie if you only knew." She said, with a smile, but for the first time I can see a shadow in some of that brightness. Honestly, this makes me like her a bit more. She seems slightly more human than artificial. "Hop up on the bed." She instructs, in that same tone. I carefully comply, and instead of hooking me up to the continuous monitoring she uses the portable ultrasound machine to check baby's heartbeat, position, and oxygen flow.
"Everything looks fine." She says.
"Great, can I move now?" I ask.
"Your contractions are a little close together for my personal liking. I know you want to move, but I would like you to do another NST just to make sure there isn't anything going on we can't see."
"A full 2-hour NST?!" I object. I had agreed to the 15 minutes of monitoring every hour. That's it. "You said that the baby is fine."
"The baby is fine Addison." She assures me. "For now."
"Ok then. Let the contractions do their job. If they don't regulate administer terbutaline."
"Addison we've been at this all day. You're exhausted and in excruciating amounts of pain. There's no shame in pain medication, I could get anesthesia in here to give you an epidural or if you don't want pain medication, just something to help you relax, to take the edge off." She presses a button and the images print. She hands them to me.
"No. I'm Ok."
"Really? Because you don't look it. This baby…." (I had made it clear to her from day one she was not to tell me the gender of the baby). "This baby needs you Addison. I understand you're scared, but you've done nothing to deserve this level of pain you're putting yourself through. The contractions would probably regulate themselves if you weren't fighting every one of them tooth and nail."
"I'm fine." I say quickly. "I can deal with pain. Just do the check and go." I scoot down and she moves to the end of the bed. She gloves and checks, and I nearly come off of the bed in pain. I'm crying and struggling to catch my breath when she announces, "Still at 7."
"I said no pain medication, and no sedatives. I mean no pain medications and no sedatives Arizona."
"Ok." She agrees reluctantly. "It's your day. If you want it to be a miserable one, I can't stop you, but Mark wouldn't have wanted this. He loved you Addison, and your children, more than anything. It would kill him to see you hurting yourself."
"Well, I guess I don't have to worry about that do I? Considering he's already dead?" I ask her bitterly, and her face goes pale as she realizes what she said.
"Addison I'm sorry…. I didn't mean that the way it sounded…"
"Just get out Arizona." I say, shaking my head, moving uncomfortably on the bed. I am in so much pain I cannot even take myself seriously right now, why would she?
"So, I need to know, are you planning on catching the baby or are you expecting the drunkard over there to do it?" She asks me, looking over to Amelia, who had fallen asleep on the couch. "We all know you don't trust your interns or residents enough." She moves back towards the door, but she is still watching me, carefully.
"I'm not having the baby tonight." I shrug. "Surely someone less infuriating will be on call tomorrow."
"You can't stop this Addison. You've stopped dilating, but you're still contracting. The baby will come, and you're going to want some kind of support here when it does. I'll come back and check on you in a couple of hours." She says, before leaving the room.
I lay down, on the bed, curling into a ball, forcing myself to focus on something, anything else. I take out my phone, looking through pictures I've taken of Benjamin. I turn on my 'motivational' music. I used it mostly for meditating. I need some way to calm my body. I need to be up walking. I need to move. The pressure of the baby will help labor progress. There are so many things I need to do to make this go smoother. I can't bring myself to move though. The exhaustion is overwhelming me. I close my eyes, and somehow fall into a restless sleep.
When I wake again, I instantly know something is wrong. The pain is too extreme. I can't breathe through it anymore. Amelia is shaking me, calling my name.
"Addison? Addison wake up!"
"Owe." I whimper. I move, and something warm gushes. "Amelia get Arizona." I say weakly.
"Addison you're bleeding."
"I know. Amelia call Arizona." I say, trying to remain calm. I sit up, trying to evaluate the amount of blood loss, but sitting makes it worse. Amelia leaves, and soon she and Arizona are running back into the room.
"What happened? What's going on Addison?" She asks. She and Amelia move me down to the edge of the bed she checks me while Amelia attaches the fetal monitor. The baby's heartbeat fills the room, and I cry with relief.
"I don't know. I was asleep."
"That's OK." Arizona says, soothingly. "It's going to be OK."
"Addison are you ready to meet your baby?" She asks, instructing Amelia to call and book an OR just in case, she does.
"It's too soon. What if this is a sign it's not ready yet? What if it doesn't want to be born?" What the hell am I talking about? The sleep deprivation and pain, and blood loss must be getting to me.
"The baby is ready Addison, and you're ready. You're bleeding and we may not have time to get you to an OR. I need you to push with your next contraction."
"No!" I scream.
"No what?" She asks confused, quickly handing me a kidney dish to vomit into. The contractions are so close together that I barely have any time to catch a breath in between. She looks up at the monitors. Amelia comes back into the room, and lets Arizona know they're prepping the OR now.
"I can hear it's heartbeat. It's fine. It's strong. This could be anything. It could just be a ruptured cyst or something. I just got scared for a second. I'm fine. AS long as the baby is OK, I'm fine."
"Addison… This isn't safe."
"Just wait." I beg her. "You have enough time. Wait for the OR and do a C-Section."
"If you're right, and it is just a cyst, there is no need to put your body through that additional trauma. The baby is healthy, your body is doing what it is meant to do, I could lose my medical license, the bleeding appears to have slowed."
"Only if I sue but judging by the pool of blood, I'm sitting in something has indeed gone wrong." I curl myself back up on the bed, rocking back and forth. Trying to soothe myself. "You have just cause to cut."
"Stop with this petty back and forth nonsense." Amelia says, coming over to the bed. "The two of you bickering is giving me a migraine."
"Your alcoholism is giving you a migraine." I snap at her, but she climbs up on the bed, and sits down behind me. "What are you doing?" I demand.
"Amelia, I don't …." Arizona interjects, but Amelia ignores her and sits behind me, helping me into a sitting position, and applying deep pressure to my lower back.
"I'm not ready. We have to wait." I whimper, but my body is trying so hard to expel this baby. "I don't think I can do this." Amelia wraps her arms around me and squeezes me tightly.
"You can, and you will. You're going to hold my hands, calm the fuck down, stop crying, and do what you need to do." Amelia says forcefully, and I look up at her astonished. "The baby is stable for now, but we both know how quickly that can change. I just had to sign a death certificate last week on a newborn who was oxygen deprived during birth. The balls in your court Addison. Do you really want to explain to your son how you managed to kill his baby sister?"
"AMELIA!" Arizona scolds. "That is cruel and uncalled for. She is doing her best."
"She can't see the truth right now. She is so deep in this; she needs to hear it." Amelia says shrugging.
"It's alright…. Arizona she's right. It's OK. I'm ready." I say, taking a deep breath, to weak and tired to even attempt to fight back.
"Ok. Addison, on the count of three… one, two, three… PUSH."
*ADDISON DREAM*
.
"Mark?" I ask. We're sitting outside on a pathway overlooking the lake. I know this mountain path well. We traveled it a lot before Mark died. It was one of Benjamin's favorite places to fish. We haven't gone fishing since Mark's died. It was more something they enjoyed together.
"How am I here?" I ask him.
"There were complications with the birth, You're under heavy anesthesia right now."
"Oh…" I say quietly. "Am I dead?" I ask him. "I 've had this feeling all day that something was going to go wrong. I just couldn't shake it. Yet nobody believed me."
"You're simply dreaming." He explains. He places his hand on my stomach. I can feel her moving inside of me, but there's no pain, no pressure.
"How are you here?" I ask him.
"You needed me to be here." He explains but I don't understand. "I haven't left you Addison. I'm here. All the time watching over you, over little Benjamin.
"I miss you." I whisper. "I thought I was OK, but I don't know how to move in a world without you."
"You'll find your way." He says. "You're the strongest woman I know, and our children need you. You can do this. You're going to be OK. You can't let fear control your life Addison."
"I love you. I'm sorry things turned out the way they did."
"Don't be."
"When you left you were so angry."
"I was just sad." He admits. "That doesn't matter now."
"What do you mean?"
"You fell in love. You're happy. That's all I ever wanted for you. I just didn't know how to let you go. I still don't know how to let you go."
"Can I stay here?" I ask. I realize that with the pain the exhaustion has also gone, the heartache. The longing for … I'm not sure what.
"No." he says, shaking his head. "It's not your time yet Red. You have to go home. You have to stop working so much, you have to look after Benjamin and little Gracie."
"You seriously want me to call our daughter Grace?"
"She's my white flag, my peace offering. You deserve to be happy Addison, and that wasn't with me. Sure, we had fun, but you love Clara. I've never seen you so happy as when you're with her. You light up, and I knew you both wanted another baby. I'm sorry I freaked out when you told me. I shouldn't have. I love our children."
"I love you both." I correct him. "How could you have possibly known?"
"I overheard the two of you talking at night when you thought I was asleep. Those walls are super thin. You really should look into getting insulation injected or sound proofing or something." He says, laughing a bit.
"You were spying on us?" I ask, weirded out, but now the pieces of the puzzle are fitting together. He knew about the affair all these years, but he allowed to happen because of my love for her.
"It's easier as a spirt, but as hot as it would be I do give you you're privacy for alone time with her."
"How generous of you."
"I'll be here. I can't let go. When you have little kids like this it's hard to let go. So, I'm hanging out. I will still get to watch them grow up. Watch them graduate. Walk Grace down the aisle, even if it's not the way we would have hoped or imagined."
"I love you." I say, I can feel myself waking up.
"And I will always love you." He responds.
.
END ADDISON's DREAM
The next morning, I wake up in so much pain it takes my breath away. I look around the hospital room. I am hooked up to IV antibiotics, saline solution, and oxygen. I look around the room, feel my empty, significantly flatter stomach. Instinctively I begin to panic. Where is the bassinet? What happened last night? Where is the baby? Did it…. No. I refuse to think that way. I remember the dream. If something would have happened to her, he would have told me.
"Oh good, you're awake." Arizona says, cheerfully, walking into the room. "How are you feeling this morning? I need to check your incision." She comes over to me and removes the bloody bandages, pressing on the area around the incision, and then re-applying fresh.
"Do you ever sleep?" I ask her. "Where is the baby? What the hell happened?"
"I'm sorry you're worried. I meant to be back before you woke up. The baby is fine. Amelia is with her. She's just in the nursery for observation and a bottle. She's getting her hearing test and her vaccines. Clara approved both. She's your emergency contact so I assumed she's a safe guardian of your wishes regarding the baby." Wait… She?
"It's a girl?" I ask, my eyes tearing up.
"Yes, and she weighs 8lbs even. She is 21 inches long. The ultrasound measurements were a bit off. She's healthy and perfect. Do you have any names in mind?"
"Grace." I respond, remembering the conversation with Benjamin from the night before. "Arizona, I need to know what happened." I say again, beginning to grow distressed at not knowing. I don't remember anything from the time Amelia sat behind me on the bed last night. Arizona sits down on the bed next to me, and she's crying. Fuck.
"I'm so sorry Addison. I should have intervened sooner. I wanted you to be able to do things your way so badly that I allowed our friendship to cloud my judgement as your doctor."
"It wasn't a burst cyst?"
"No. There wasn't time for them to finish prepping the OR. We had to put you out and operate in the room. Your blood pressure bottomed out, you were drifting in and out of consciousness. You were able to push twice, but you began hemorrhaging again with the effort of pushing. I had to do an emergency C-Section and you required a blood transfusion to replace the blood lost. The initial hemorrhage was caused by the placenta beginning to prematurely detach from the uterine wall, it probably started after the accident." She holds my hands. "But you know that don't you?" She asks gently.
"No." I admit, pulling away from her. "I couldn't feel anything but the contractions."
"But you must have suspected…." She indicts, a little harsher.
"No, and honestly how dare you come off accusing me of something like that? I love my daughter; I would never do anything to hurt her Arizona. Surely you know that?"
"You told me to administer terbutaline."
"And did you?"
"Yes, once you were asleep, and the contractions hadn't regulated."
"Congratulations, you know how to follow standard protocol." I say. I have to work hard not to roll my eyes at her. If anything, this is my fault. I knew the contractions were too close together, I do know the dangers of Uterine Hyperstimulation, but at the end of the day, I just wanted it to be done. I was hoping I was wrong. A hypochondriac. Exaggerating my symptoms. It wasn't that bad, and so I dealt. I made the wrong call. When you're a doctor it's different, you're on the outside looking into a patient's life, but when you are that patient…. Things get overlooked; things are messy.
"You could have died." She whispered. "Your baby could have died." She is shaking.
"It's not your fault." I finally say, and she looks away now. I can tell she's crying harder; her shoulders are trembling. "Arizona. It was a freak accident. Sometimes things just happen for reasons no one understands."
"You really scared me." She said. "Amelia as well. She sobered up pretty quickly."
"Amelia needs a good scare." I say bitterly.
"I hate you so much right now." She says, and I blink hard at her.
"I am the one who just underwent major surgery. Why do you hate me?"
"I couldn't remain impartial. The entire time I was working on you the only thought that kept running through my head was "God, please don't let her die. I can't explain to Benjie that I killed his mom."
"Well, I guess it's a good thing you like my kid then." I say with a little smile. "He is a pretty amazing kid after all."
"So is this little one." I look up, to see Clara carrying baby Grace, and Benjamin holding Amelia's hand, bouncing along behind them. Amelia lets go of Benjamin's hand, and he runs to me, climbing on the bed.
"Careful!" Arizona, Amelia, and Clara call, in unison. He slows down, and lays down next to me, cuddling close.
"Oh, I've missed you Benjie!" I say, hugging him as tightly as I can manage.
"Mommy we went to the nursery to see Grace. There are SO MANY BABIES!" He shrieks in delight. "They are all so cute and little, but I'm glad we just have the one!"
"How do you feel about your little sister now that you've met her?" I ask him, assuming that they had spent some time in the nursery before coming up to the room.
"I really like her! She smells good, and Daddy said girls can play in the mud too, so it's fine." My heart starts racing when he mentions Mark, remembering fragments of a dream.
"Well, not right away." I say. I wince, he had accidentally pushed down on my incision while wiggling about.
"Are you ok?" He asks.
"Fine. I am going to have a really cool scar, so this area…." I show him the area on my stomach where the incision was. "Is really sore right now."
"Why are you going to have a scar?" He asks, his bottom lip trembling now.
"Baby sister needed to come out of my tummy really fast, so Aunt Arizona operated and cut her out."
"With scissors?" His eyes are wide.
"Well no."
"How then?"
"You know what? Today the details aren't important, what's important is you have a brand-new baby sister to play with!" I say quickly, trying to keep my tone light. Clara comes over to me and sits on the side of the bed, gently handing me the bundled-up baby. I tear up as I look down at her. She takes a picture on her cellphone and shows it to me.
"Look at your beautiful little family." She says, smiling at us with such love and fondness. "You did it. I knew you could. I'm so proud of you Addison."
"Our family." I say, carefully, and she nods, smiling, echoing the word's 'our family.'
