It started off as nothing. Less than nothing. A snapped piece of metal, metal that Anakin had been trying to fit into the droid he was attempting to fix.
He should have laughed it off, or at the very most grumbled under his breath as he reached for a replacement.
Anakin squeezed his eyes shut. The steady buzz of the Force inside his head, the one he could never quite get rid of no matter how much he meditated, was increasing until it was a scream. His hands clenched into fists, his nails digging into his palms.
It was all too much. Life was too much all at once, too hard, too bright and loud.
Anakin gasped in panicked breaths as he tried to get control of himself. What was wrong with him? He was freaking out over literally nothing, but he couldn't seem to stop.
The droid went flying as he kicked it across the room. It wasn't enough. Anakin reached under the desk and flipped it over. He only realized he was screaming when his pain receptors informed him that it felt like he was ripping his own throat out.
Anakin spun around, grabbing a painting off the wall and ripping it to shreds with the Force. He just wanted quiet. Why wouldn't it stop?
It took him a few moments to realize that someone had grabbed him, halting his rampage and destruction of the room.
Anakin screamed and struggled, but his assailant was using the Force to aid him, and Anakin was in no state to put up a strong defense.
"Anakin, stop, stop! What's wrong with you?"
Obi-wan. Of course, it was Obi-wan.
"Let me go! Let me go, Obi-wan, I mean it!"
"Not until you calm down," Obi-wan said firmly.
Anakin's eyes were screwed shut against the screaming in his head. He shook violently in Obi-wan's arms even as he struggled.
"What's wrong?" Obi-wan asked in a gentler tone of voice, still holding Anakin firmly.
"I – I can't – it's too much, Obi-wan – I don't want it – don't want to –"
"I don't understand. Anakin, please just take a deep breath and explain what's wrong. Whatever it is, we can work it out."
"I don't want this!" Anakin screamed. "Please, it's too much, stop it, make it stop, Obi-wan, please, just end it!"
"Shh, calm down, dearest. I'm right here with you. Whatever this is, we're going to fix it."
There was no fixing it, because even Anakin didn't know what was wrong with him.
His muscles went limp as his body finally gave up fighting. "Everything is wrong. Please," he whispered, not even sure what he was begging for. Just… something.
"Anakin, listen to me. I'm here. Can you feel me? Can you feel my arms around you?"
Anakin nodded, tears brimming in his eyes.
"Start there, sweetheart. Can you feel my heartbeat? I'm real, and you're real. I'm never going to desert you. We can fix the wrongness together, dearest. Please, just trust me?"
Anakin nodded again, too exhausted and overwhelmed to do anything else.
Obi-wan finally released his death grip on Anakin and led him by his arm to the couch, keeping a firm hold on him in case Anakin should go crazy again. "Talk to me," he coaxed.
Anakin let himself fall forward, his head pressing into Obi-wan's chest. Obi-wan embraced him firmly, running his hands through Anakin's hair, murmuring soothingly. "It's ok, Ani. You've got this. We can do this, together."
"Everything feels wrong," he sobbed. "Nothing… I can't, Obi-wan. It's all falling apart and I can't stop it."
"Nothing is falling apart, Anakin. You're a respected Jedi Knight. You have a Padawan who adores you, and friends who would do anything for you, myself included."
Anakin knew this, of course. He knew that he had no reason to fall apart, to feel like everything was spinning out of his control. From the outside, his life was perfect – idyllic, even.
Then why did everything feel so overwhelming right now?
"It won't stop," he whispered.
"The noise?"
Anakin nodded. "Usually, I can deal with it, but…"
"Something set you off. I understand, Ani. Your midi-chlorian count his higher than anyone has ever seen before. The presence of so much of the Force in your mind must be beyond overwhelming. You deal with it masterfully on a daily basis. It's not surprising that sometimes, things get to be too much."
Obi-wan made it seem so simple.
"I'm broken." Anakin had known it for a long time, but this was the first time he'd voiced it aloud.
"You are not broken. You're just different. There's nothing wrong with that."
"Say that to the inside of my head. You don't understand…"
"Then tell me."
"It's like – I have to try so hard just to do what everyone else does without effort. Sure, somethings, like Force manipulation, come as easily to me as breathing. But it's the normal things, like getting through a day without completely losing it…"
"What can I do to help?"
Anakin fumbled around until he found Obi-wan's hand. "Just tell me that this is real. That we're real."
"Of course we are, Anakin. I love you more than anything in the galaxy. I would never lie to you."
Anakin's eyes snapped open. "What did you say?" he whispered.
"I love you," Obi-wan repeated, slowly and clearly. "But you already know that."
Disappointment filled Anakin's chest. Of course, he knew Obi-wan loved him, but not in the way he wanted. He squeezed his eyes shut as the noise started up again. He couldn't say it. It would ruin everything. But his defenses were shot and the words spilled from his mouth.
"I'm in love with you."
He'd expected shock, horror, anger, but when he peeked up at Obi-wan's face, all he saw was confusion.
"I know that," Obi-wan told him, staring at him as though Anakin had just announced that water was wet. "I'm in love with you too. I have been since you were nineteen."
Anakin could do nothing but gape at him.
"Anakin… you did know, didn't you?"
"How would I know?" Anakin forced the words out through numb lips, shock chasing joy in his heart.
"I – how could you not? When have I ever treated you like any other Jedi? You know I'd do anything for you. I'd leave the Order, if you asked it of me."
It was mind-boggling. Obi-wan, leave, the Jedi Order, for Anakin? How…?
"But – but we've never even kissed!"
Obi-wan smiled wryly at him. "The council hardly approves of physical intimacy. It leads too easily too attachment, and I'm far too attached to you already for their liking."
"You think I care about the stupid council? You just told me you love me back! I think that warrants at least one kiss."
Obi-wan chuckled, leaning in easily and brushing his lips against Anakin's. "You know I could never refuse you anything, dearest. Now come, how about we start cleaning up this mess?"
Anakin could only stare. His whole world had been rotated on its axis, and yet Obi-wan was completely calm, as if nothing had changed. Anakin supposed that for Obi-wan, nothing had.
Obi-wan had always loved him back. Anakin just hadn't known it before now.
The noise in Anakin's head was back down to a manageable buzz. Grinning, he let Obi-wan pull him to his feet. The two of them cleaned up the room in companiable silence, slowed a lot by how Anakin stopped every few moments to steal another kiss. He'd never get enough of the feeling of Obi-wan's lips on his.
When the room was put back in order, Obi-wan sat down on the couch and pulled Anakin's head into his lap.
"I love you so much," he murmured. "You've had a hard day, Ani. Rest."
Anakin fell asleep smiling. His head had never been quieter.
