Another day, another bell, another quiz. Ms. LaBonz passed out papers like it was her life's mission. Granted, everyone knew it was just her job, but that didn't lessen the odd excitement she showed as she passed out the paper.
One glance at the paper made Louise groan. It was your standard math test; addition and subtraction, beginner multiplication and division, geometry, the works.
"What is this, a practice SAT?" Rudy grumbled.
"Not sure, but I'm not taking it." Louise snorted. She reached into her bookbag and leaned down, fiddling around for a bit and shaking around before sitting up suddenly.
"Ooh… Ms. LaBonz? I feel really nauseous."
"Uh-huh, sure." LaBonz replied, her tone steady and showing that she clearly did not believe the tricky girl.
"No! I do! I… I…" Louise gags and leans over, violently vomiting onto the floor.
"Holy crap, that's a first." Ms. LaBonz muttered. "Fine, go to the nurse."
Louise whimpers and stands, stumbling out of the classroom. She keeps the facade going until she's a good distance from the classroom. From there, Louise snickers, wiping her mouth and standing straight.
"Thank you, soda and mentos." Louise chirps, a kick in her step as she opens the door to the nurse's office.
"Ugh. What ploy worked this time?" Nurse Liz asked, a bored and somewhat frustrated look on her face.
"Soda and mentos." Louise replied, looking fairly proud of herself.
Nurse Liz rolls her eyes, sitting back in her swivel chair and groaning. Louise shrugs, plopping down on the nearby cot and beginning to drift off. She's woken suddenly when the office door is practically kicked open.
"Dakota, please!" Coach Blevins shouts, pinching the bridge of his nose as he follows an injured student into the room.
"Finally! A real injury!" Nurse Liz shouted. "And from the new kid, no less!"
"You know it." The boy chimed.
"Alright, let's see here." Nurse Liz giggled. "Patient: Dakota Madenheim. Visible Injury: fractured wrist."
"How did you fracture your wrist?" Louise asked, sitting up and tilting her head ever-so-slightly.
"I got into an on-the-spot fight with Choo-Choo." Dakota replied.
"An on-the-spot fight?" Louise snorted. "Why?"
Dakota shrugged, grunting as Nurse Liz moved his wrist around to test the damage. "Big Boy told me to."
"Big Boy? Who the hell is that?" Louise asked, looking to Coach Blevins for an answer.
"Don't ask me." Coach Blevins muttered. "I don't know who this kid hangs out with. Yet."
"Big Boy isn't a person, hon." Dakota snickered.
Louise rose a brow, trying to figure out what that meant. After a moment of contemplating, she managed to figure it out.
"Argh! Gross!" Louise spat. "How old are you?"
"Ten." Dakota replied. "And I was just trying to lighten the mood."
"With a weiner joke?"
"Yep. An honest weiner joke."
"You are such a boy."
"Why, thank you!"
"That wasn't supposed to be a compliment!"
"Yet I took it as one."
"Do you think we should stop them?" Coach Blevins quietly asked his co-worker as the two children continued to- playfully -bicker.
"Nah. It's Louise, she'll be fine." Nurse Liz whispered back.
"And if she isn't?" Blevins asked.
"Well," Nurse Liz hummed, "we'll cross that bridge if we get there."
Louise kept quiet for some time as she walked home with Tina and Gene after school. For some odd reason, she just couldn't bring herself to stop thinking about her conversation with Dakota!
"Hey, Tina?" Louise asked, waiting for a hum of acknowledgment before continuing. "How did you know that you started puberty? Like, were there signs, or...?"
"Well, I guess there's multiple ways to know. My period started, acne started appearing, interest in boys started increasing-"
"Yeah, that we know about." Louise chuckled. "And, uh... I know you have a thing about butts and stuff... is that normal?"
"Normal?" Tina asked, sharing a confused look with Gene. "What do you mean by "normal"?"
"I mean... what if I get interested in front stuff?" Louise inquired. "Just a little bit?"
"Front stuff." Gene muttered, stopping in his tracks and furrowing his brows. "Front stuff. Okay. Because why not? Because whyyyyyy nooooooot?"
Louise frowned, kicking a rock and sighing. The action led Tina to huff and pinch Gene.
"Look," Tina gruffly whispered to Gene, "I get that you don't like the idea, and neither do I, but let me talk to mom and dad about this before making any more comments or decisions."
"Grr... fine." Gene grumbled.
"Thank you." Tina sighed. "And stop being a passive aggressive ass."
"I make no promises."
The kids arrived home some ten minutes later, the atmosphere around them awkward and somewhat tense. Linda greeted her beloved children with great fervor, receiving forced greetings in return.
"What's wrong, my babies?" Linda asked, slowly growing more and more anxious the longer it took for her to get an answer.
"Well, Louise and I have to talk to you about something important." Tina replied, placing a gentle hand on Louise's back.
"Did Louise get in trouble at school?" Bob asked from the kitchen.
"I wish." Louise grumbled.
"What? What the heck does that mean?" Linda asked.
"My body is about to get in trouble!" Louise shouted, slamming her face down on the counter and whining. "It's hurting and grumbling and tingling and won't stop making me thinking about Dakota!"
"Hurting, grumbling, and tingling..." Bob muttered. "I'll go to the store. I heard you muttering about being low on feminine products, anyway."
"Thank you, Bobby." Linda sighed, placing a hand on Louise's. "Gene, could you go with your father?"
"Wait, does this mean we're closing early today?" Tina cautiously asked.
"For Louise's sake, yes." Bob replied.
The family collectively left the restaurant for the day, locking up and going into their apartment to relax. Louise groaned and complained as she was settled onto the couch.
"I wanna die. Can I do that?" Louise whimpered.
"No, sorry sweetie." Linda chimed.
Louise huffs, kicking her legs and thinking back to her conversation with Dakota. She blushes a bit and starts to giggle at every implication made during their teasing match.
"Why is she laughing?" Bob asked.
"Mood swings." Tina hummed. "It's normal."
Gene grumbles softly, crossing his arms and beginning to fume. "Dad? Shouldn't we go get the stuff?"
"Oh! Right." Bob replied, gathering the car keys and leading Gene outside.
"So, Tina, what did you wanna tell me?" Linda asked.
"I think Louise is starting puberty." Tina replied.
"Well, she's starting to feel lady cramps and she's probably bleeding from her vagina right about now, so I'd agree." Linda chuckled.
"Yeah, but along with that, she asked me and Gene if-"
"HOLY CRAP!" Louise screamed, holding her waist and squirming around. "It hurts! It hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts!"
"Oh, my poor baby." Linda sighed.
"I'll get the pain pills." Tina announced, standing and making her way into the kitchen.
Once the teen was gone, Linda moves a bit of hair out of Louise's face. A few tears slid down Louise's cheeks, stopping as the pain slowly started to subside.
"Feeling better?"
"Argh..."
Linda hums, wiping Louise's tears away. "Don't worry, I'll keep these a secret."
Tina returns with the pills seconds later, a cup of flavored water in her free hand. "Back with the pain relief."
"Too late. My body decided to grant me mercy from the pain." Louise replied.
"Physical pain." Tina commented. "But never emotional and desirable."
"Desirable? Who's got desires? Who's having sex?!" Linda stood to her feet and tugged at her hair.
"Mom, no one's having sex." Louise muttered.
"At least, that we know of." Tina added. "Louise is just having interests. I like butts, and she likes... front boy parts."
"Wha? "Front boy parts"? What's that?"
"You know... the thing." Louise nervously replied. "That boys have. In the front."
"Boys have a lot of stuff in front." Linda stated, clearly confused.
"I know! But I mean the thing!" Louise shouted, turning bright red the longer this conversation dragged on. "It's the... ugh! Boy part! The... the weiner."
"Weiner. You're joking." Linda's hands fell to her sides as Louise and Tina shook their heads simultaneously. "Oh, boy."
"Is that bad?" Louise asked. "It feels like it's bad."
"Well, it depends on how you look at it." Linda replied. "Is it bad when you like weiners to a "Tina-to-Butt Ratio" extent? Yes. Is it bad when you like them in small portions that grow appropriately with age? No."
"So... I can like weiners?" Louise asked hesitantly.
"I would rather you didn't, considering the fact that you're nine, but I can't stop you from liking what you like." Linda replied through slightly gritted teeth.
"Gene seemed just as annoyed about the surprise when we were walking home." Louise snickered.
"I bet. He seems like the type to be an overprotective big brother." Linda chuckled. It was a dry, almost hollow sound, but Louise knew that her mother meant at least a little bit of humor to be present in the moment. "So, is there any one boy you're strictly attracted to, or...?
"Yeah. His name is Dakota. He's just a year older than me." Louise replied.
"Hmm. Maybe you should invite him over. For a play date or something." Linda suggested.
"Really?" Louise asked. "You seemed pretty jaded about me being interested in weiners just a few seconds ago. This isn't your attempt of trying to place the blame on him, is it?"
"What? No! Of course not!" Linda chirped, stealing a quick glance from Tina, who gave a barely noticeable wink in turn. "I just want you to have someone to play with! A friend!"
"Okay then?" Louise muttered. "Well, my stomach hurts, and I have to poop. Forgive me while I go and hate my body."
"Okay honey! Good luck with your poops! Don't mind the bleeding!" Linda cheered, waving Louise off. She waited for her youngest to be gone completely before turning to Tina. "Weiners? Seriously? Why couldn't you have gotten her to switch to calves or arms?"
"Because it's Louise! She's not gonna give up something she likes!" Tina whisper-shouted.
"But penis?!"
"Don't use the actual word! It's weird!"
"Well, that's what it is, Tina! She likes penis! And I'm gonna shut that down!"
Both Belchers went quiet as Bob and Gene walked up the stairs with arms full of pads and tampons.
"We didn't know which ones or kinds to buy." Gene admitted.
"So we bought a couple of each." Bob sighed.
"Thank you, boys." Linda responded. "Tina, find something that will work for your sister and help her figure out how to use it."
"But-"
"NOW!"
Tina groaned and grabbed one pack of pads, along with one pack of tampons. This left Linda to sit on the floor while Gene and Bob awkwardly stood in front of her.
"Uh-"
"Gene, go to your room. I need to talk to your father." Linda grumbled.
Gene frowned, slowly walking off, yet staying hidden behind a corner.
"What... did I do now?" Bob asked nervously.
"You didn't do anything." Linda replied sharply. "Our daughter is growing up, Bob."
"Which one? We have two."
"Louise." Linda snorted, encouraging Bob to sit next to her. "You know what she told me today?"
"Hmm?"
"She told me that she likes penis."
"Wait, what?" Bob scrambled to make Linda look him in the eye. "She told you that, word-for-word?"
"No. It was more of a very shy 'I like weiners' deal."
Bob whimpered, letting Linda go and sliding onto his back. "This can't be happening."
"Unfortunately, it is. Louise is growing up." Linda sighed. "And I also may or may not have allowed her to invite the boy that started this interest over for a play date."
"What?!" Bob yelped. "Why would you do that?"
"It was the only way I could think of to question him!"
"You want to question a child."
"Well, when you say it like that..."
From around the corner, Gene sneers, planning his own interrogation. If his mother wasn't going to be able to get answers, then Gene would have to be the next best thing!
"Look out, Dakota." Gene grumbled. "Nobody talks to my little sister like you did and gets away with it."
~~~~~~~
*Hey there! So, gonna start these bottom notes with a thanks to those who read! I hope you enjoyed! This is my first Bob's Burgers fic I've posted on this site, and I hope it does well.
