A/N: Title and foreword by "If I Lose Myself" by OneRepublic. Hope you like it :)


It'll be by your side

.

Donna doesn't remember the last time she was this stressed. Residual guilt from Robert's disbarment and Samantha's wrath, worries about the firm's future, the nervousness about starting a new relationship they haven't yet told most people about, it would already be a lot to handle on a regular day. Add to that Faye constantly undermining her, giving her menial yet endless tasks and breathing down her neck all the time and Donna is practically bursting at the seams.

The one single thing carrying her through this day is the knowledge that she'll see Harvey when she gets home.

By the time she hands in the reports demanded by that dreadful woman, her body is wound tight, back and neck stiff, and her feet hurt. She strolls past Harvey's office, unsurprised by its darkness seeing as she was the one to insist he went home almost an hour ago, saying it made no sense for him to be punished along with her. She hurries downstairs, touched to find Ray waiting for her by the door, and slips silently inside the car, resting her head against the seat and closing her eyes.

She needs a shower. She needs a drink. But most of all, she really needs to get railed.

It's not often that she feels this way; she much prefers to enjoy sex, take her time with it, and especially with Harvey she likes to savor every last drop of everything they've been experiencing together in the past couple of weeks since they became a couple. But tonight she needs release, not just for her body but also for her mind. She needs to be able to tune everything out, shut off the world and her worries, and the best way she can think of to do that right now is getting fucked so good she forgets her own name. And Harvey's exceptionally good at that.

She hones all her energy and focus in on that thought, letting the tension inside of her turn from stress to desire as Ray speeds her through the streets of Manhattan towards Harvey's apartment. And when she arrives, all she can do is drop her bag and coat on the floor, walk up to Harvey, standing by the kitchen island as he cuts up some vegetables - looking delicious with no tie and his sleeves rolled up with two waiting wine glasses in front of him -, and slam her body into his, crashing their lips together.

He hums in surprise but quickly acclimates, hands finding her waist steadily as she kisses him hungrily and clutches at his shoulders. She can feel him panting but she doesn't let up, sucking greedily on his tongue, holding him close. She's desperate, desperate to feel all of him, and he must notice because eventually he needs to pull her away gently in order to catch his breath.

"Rough day?" he murmurs as she kisses his neck.

"You have no idea," she slurs into his skin, and he caresses her back sympathetically.

"How can I help?" he asks gently.

"You can fuck me," she breathes, her hands running down his body, untucking his shirt hastily, and he exhales at her words.

His hands knead her ass as he toys with her earlobe, finally getting with the program. "Why don't we go in there and I'll do whatever you want?" he offers, nodding slightly towards the bedroom.

On any other day she'd jump at the opportunity - he's always generous in bed, but having Harvey at her mercy is a different kind of thrill - but tonight the mere thought of having to call the shots and come up with what to do next already makes her exhausted. So she shakes her head as he sucks on her neck, "I don't want that."

He pauses, clearly confused as he looks down at her and tries to work out what she means by her refusal. Because he knows her too well for her own good, it only takes him a moment, though, before he's inhaling, jaw setting and a brow quirking slyly. "Why don't we go in there and you do whatever I want, then?"

The words send a shiver down her spine and she nods, relieved.

His grip on her tightens and he pulls her into him, and she can distinctively feel a volume that wasn't there before, which makes her bite her lip.

"You sure?" he questions, trying to seem disinterested, though he rubs his pelvis against hers.

"Please," she whispers, nibbling on his jaw and undulating against him.

"Hm, okay," he replies casually, then pushes her away, but stops her as soon as she turns away to head to the bedroom, pressing into her back. "On one condition," he says lowly and she waits to hear it. "You do what I say," he says darkly into her ear, teasing the shell with the tip of his nose, "When I say. How I say."

Her core clenches at his words and his tone and she whimpers in anticipation, nodding helplessly to show that fuck yes, she's okay with that.

Harvey releases her, "Go to the bedroom, take your clothes off and wait for me."

She has no idea what he's doing as she strips hurriedly, leaving her once-pristine dress all rumpled up on the floor and crawling onto the bed, but as soon as she's settled he appears, eyeing her exactly like a feast and God, does she want him to devour her.

He stops at the foot of the bed, considering his options for a moment, before grabbing her ankles without notice and dragging her to the edge of the bed. He spreads her thighs expertly on the mattress, as wide as they'll go, and kneels down on the floor, sucking sharply on her clit without so much as a warning. Donna screams, her body jerking off the bed as his move sends a wave of electric shock through her system, efficiently replacing the earlier frustration.

He releases her, going a tiny bit more gently about French-kissing her folds, giving her thorough strokes with his tongue and lips.

He pulls away to look at her. "You're so wet for me already and I've barely touched you," he says, nose, mouth and chin glistening with her desire and voice dangerously observational, not sounding even one-millionth as affected as she feels, and swishes a finger carelessly across her pussy to illustrate his point. His index glides smoothly across her seam, making wet noises that feel erotically crass.

"You're gonna stain my shirt like that," he adds, then dives back in, and the idea of her juices all over his shirt bring on a surge of heat inside of her. She bites her lip and tries to watch as he sucks on her folds, flicks her clit with his tongue, pushes the muscle shallowly into her and out again, as he drives her more and more insane and it doesn't take long before she finds herself on the brink of what she knows will be just the first release of the night.

"Yes," she gasps as Harvey sucks on her clit again, and her voice comes out strangled enough that he notices.

And then, suddenly, he pulls away completely, her core clenching against the cool air left by the absence of his face.

"That's good enough for now," he says simply, standing up, and Donna can only humph her frustrated confusion.

"I don't want you to come right now," Harvey elaborates, looking down at her maliciously, "Tonight you're only allowed to come around my cock."

The words make her breath hitch and anticipation flutter through her, even as her frustrated climax starts to fizzle.

"Speaking of which," he snaps her out of it, unzipping himself and exposing his fully hard cock. "What am I going to do with you...," he muses, stroking himself lightly, and she watches his hand enviously.

He hums, apparently struck by an idea, and once again manhandles her on the bed, turning her body around so her feet are pointing towards the pillows and her head is right on the slope of the edge of the mattress.

"Open your mouth," he commands and she complies. "Wider," he instructs dryly, and Donna widens her mouth as much as she can, feeling the muscles of her jaw flex. He strokes himself a couple more times and steps up to her, sliding his cock into her mouth slowly, shallowly. The opening is too wide and he's barely grazing her lips, but she refrains from pointing that out, opting instead to stick to her decision and request for him to take the reins completely tonight.

After a brief moment of that he pulls away. "Now wet your lips and close your mouth." She does, wetting them abundantly, sloppily, and waits. He grabs her cheeks with one hand and squeezes them, forcing her lips to pucker, and glides the head of his cock across them. She can hear him sigh here and there as he teases himself against her mouth, and then there's a drop of precum making everything more slippery and decadent. When she feels another drop of precum reach her lips she can't hold back anymore, parting her mouth and lapping clumsily at the head of his cock.

Harvey pauses immediately, even as she sees his dick twitch from her move. "What did I say? What I say, when I say, how I say," he scolds her authoritatively, staring deep into her eyes. Donna nods, silently promising to be good. "I could always go back to finish dinner and leave you to take care of yourself," he adds as perverse blackmail and the thought makes her want to cry, so she shakes her head hastily, whimpering a little.

"Good," he says, then releases her completely. "Now I'm gonna fuck your mouth and you're gonna take it, and you're only gonna stop when I let you," he orders and pats her cheek almost too aggressively and fuck, his imposing tone and the edge of danger in his handling of her send a rush of heat between her legs. This is exactly what she wanted and the thrill of it is intoxicating.

She opens her mouth and he slides into it, at first shallowly so she can swirl her tongue around his tip, suck on it as she teases the underside of his cock. Then he pushes further, fully invading her. Quite uncharacteristically for the night so far, his palm slides down from her jaw to her breast and he kneads it, telling her gently to relax.

She tries to, and when she manages it she feels his cock pushing deeper. And deeper. And then he's sliding down her throat, further than she ever remembers him going, aided by her position, until he's completely - and, quite impressively - bottomed out. He immediately retreats, then thrusts again, gently but steadily, setting his own rhythm. On his third thrust he pushes just the tiniest bit more into her and instead of pulling away he stays there, obstructing her airways, filling her completely. There is absolutely nothing she can do but take it, just like he told her to, and the thought is incredibly liberating.

The seconds tick by and she can feel her lungs start to burn a little but it only entices her more, forcing her to squeeze her thighs together to relieve some of the pressure at her core. When she can't take it anymore, she squeezes his thigh and he relents, pulling out so she can catch her breath. Donna pants, watching closely as Harvey gives himself a tug or two just an inch away from her face. When she's ready, she opens again and he repeats the same process, going deep and retreating a couple of times before pressing further and holding, suffocating her in the best way possible.

"You look so pretty with my cock down your throat," he says darkly and strokes her throat, and that's when she notices there's a bump there. Though she can't see it, the mental image of his cock visibly straining her throat makes her moan, and he curses under his breath as he pulls out again.

She pants harshly, swallows around the slight soreness, and when she opens up for him again he changes tracts, not going as deep but speeding up gradually and steadily until he's properly fucking her mouth, a speed she can barely keep up with but it doesn't matter because he's apparently happy to have her just run her tongue over him however she can manage. He kneads her breasts harshly, plucking her nipples as saliva pools messily on her lips. She's almost worried he'll do this until he comes, but thankfully he soon stops, this time for good.

"Get on all fours for me."

She scrambles to get on her knees as Harvey undresses himself carelessly, and then the mattress dips behind her as he positions himself behind her. His hands caress her ass lightly, sending shivers down her spine, then glide up and down her back, the warmth of his skin on hers soothing even as the anticipation of what he'll do next keeps her on edge.

He crowds in on her, his cock settling heavily against her ass, and she can't hold back from grinding against him, wanting to be even closer. He allows the contact, rubbing himself against her as one hand snakes down her front and between her legs, teasing her folds lightly. His other hand fists around her hair firmly and starts pulling it back, slowly but steadily. She doesn't resist, letting her head be tugged back all the way until it can't go any further. Harvey pulls just a little more, just to add pressure, and holds her there, rubbing himself slowly against her ass, his fingers working at her core.

Each sensation is different, coordinating inside of her like instruments in a symphony, drawing a breathy moan from within her. And then suddenly, Harvey's fingers tighten over her clit, rubbing it quickly, roughly, his fingers slippery on her. She cries out and her body jerks but he holds her in place by her hair, rubbing her pussy sloppily. Her core contracts as she lets out cry after cry, until he stops just as abruptly. Her head is swimming from pleasure, almost to the point of disorientation, but she knows he's making good on his promise from earlier that she's only allowed to come around his cock.

She just hopes that moment comes soon, because she doesn't know how many more ups and downs she can take tonight.

"Get up here," he tells her and she obeys, kneeling up on the bed, him still behind her. "Lick 'em clean," he orders and brings his fingers to her mouth, and she sucks on them eagerly, moaning at the taste of herself on his fingers. He thrusts them in and out of her mouth like he did earlier with his cock and God, she loves this, she loves being fucked by him in every way imaginable. She's all his, every last inch of her body, and she'll always take anything he wants to give her, always.

His free hand comes up to play with her nipple as he sucks greedily on her neck, and Donna slips a hand between them to tease his cock. They take a moment to just enjoy the mutual ministrations and be close to each other, until Harvey kisses a trail up to her ear. "I want to take you from behind," he murmurs, then nips on her earlobe.

Donna sighs and nods, "Okay."

With a firm hand on her shoulder, he directs her forward and she dutifully resumes her previous position. He shakes his head, pushing her shoulder further, "All the way down."

Her breath hitches and she lets him direct her however he wants. He pushes her gently into the mattress until her cheek is pressed flush into it, then uses both hands to rearrange her body, pushing her chest into the mattress as well and repositioning her hips until her ass is high up in the air, her spine making what she suspects is an almost unnatural curve as the rest of her torso is laid on the bed. He places his hand on the back of her neck, holding her firmly in place. And then he enters her, smoothly and all at once.

She hums at the feeling of him stretching her, filling her, and then again as he pulls out and enters her again. He repeats the motion a few times and she can feel desperation building inside of her again, a result of having been kept on edge by him for quite some time now. "Faster," she whimpers.

Harvey buries himself as deep as he can, his pelvis pressing into her ass, and stops. "Who's in charge tonight?"

She pants over her frustration. "You."

"Who decides when to go faster?"

"You."

"And what are you supposed to do?"

"Just take it," she replies, her voice weak.

"Good girl," he mutters darkly and the words draw an unexpected whine from her as her core clenches involuntarily around his cock.

Out of the corner of her eye she can see him smirking, soaking in the power he currently has over her, a power she willingly gave him, and maybe it hadn't fully clicked before but it does now.

He holds all the power. He's holding her head down, her arms are pinned beneath her, his knees framing hers. She can't dictate the rhythm, ask for anything, she can't even move properly, and yet she trusts him implicitly with her whole being, knows that he would never take advantage of this position, that he wants her to feel good more than he wants to feel good himself. He's giving her what she asked for: she doesn't have to move, doesn't have to do anything, doesn't have to say anything, doesn't even have to think. All she can do, all she needs to do, is take whatever he does to her. She can turn off her mind and focus only on her body, let him drive her higher and higher and enjoy the feeling.

Donna closes her eyes and wordlessly surrenders the final hold she had on self-control.

Harvey slips out and rubs his cock through her folds, his tip bumping against her clit repeatedly and making her squirm. "Don't move unless I tell you to," he orders after a while, reentering her and releasing his hold on her neck so he can squeeze her ass cheeks together, making her tighter. He starts really fucking her then, picking up the pace until he's slamming into her, his hips slapping against hers, the tip of his cock hitting deep within her, sending little shockwaves across her whole body.

She's in complete overdrive as he slams into her again and again, not daring to move. His movements elicit high-pitched moans she's barely keeping track of, moan after moan after moan as he fucks her roughly. Then he switches gears, slowing down and circling his hips sensually as he presses into her, letting her feel every last inch if his cock against her walls, and the feeling is so good, so so good, she lets out a sob, contorting with pleasure as her hips unwittingly follow his motion, increasing friction. He does it a few more times and then slams into her again, his finger finding her clit and flicking it carelessly, and that's all it takes.

She screams, her whole body spasming and her core clenching so tight she idly wonders if she's hurting him. The waves of pleasure pull her under and she barely notices him pulling out until her walls start clenching on empty space, but it still feels so good she doesn't complain. Harvey caresses her back lovingly, waiting for her ride out her orgasm, and she slumps on the bed once she's done. Her lungs burn from lack of ventilation and she's completely exhausted, but she can feel a thread of underlying tension thrumming inside of her, and it's not lost on her that Harvey is still gloriously hard behind her.

"You're not done coming for me tonight," he tells her as if on cue, and the words give her goosebumps. She just looks at him and bites her lower lip, waiting for his next move.

He sets his jaw at her move, grabbing her hips again. He flips her over on the bed, letting her adjust herself more comfortably against the pillows, and then lowers himself over her, lapping at her nipples, teasing them with his teeth, teasing her gently but steadily until she's panting again, strangled mewls slipping past her lips. He leans back, taking her ankles and positioning them on his shoulders, and enters her again. She enjoys the new angle, feeling him hit different spots from before.

In keeping with the theme of the night, he takes her wrists and pins them above her head, holding them in place and rendering her completely helpless once again, unable to do anything but accept whatever he wants to do to her.

If she's being honest, the matter of control in bed had been an issue for her before. Donna is a controlling person by nature, used to and happiest when she's on top of everything, anticipating people's next move, fulfilling their needs before they even ask and all the while getting her own fill. And in bed it wasn't different; it's not like she never let herself be dominated or never let her partners take the lead, because she did and she enjoyed it. But doing that meant unpredictability, elements of surprise that could be as bad as they could be good, it meant reacting to unforeseen moves, adjusting to unfamiliar circumstances, and while that's not a big deal, it's also not Donna's preferred environment. So, when possible, she always preferred to take the lead.

But the thing is, deep down - maybe deeper down than she even realizes most of the time - she craves the loss of control. She craves not needing to think of everything, to do everything, craves not having any power, because those are the things she spends all her days clinging so tightly to, those are the things that have been demanded from her, by herself or the world, her whole life. And as much as she enjoys it, thinks she's good at it, no one wants to be like that all the time, not even her.

And it's not surprising that Harvey affords her a freedom she had never found in any of her previous partners. Not just because she knows him intimately and far more than she's ever known anyone else, which means she knows what he likes and knows that it's similar to what she likes. But also because she knows he knows her, better than anyone ever has, and so surrendering her body and her pleasure to him is not all that different than keeping them to herself, because she knows he will never do anything to make her uncomfortable, he will never break her trust, and he'll seek her pleasure with everything he has. Harvey offers her the unique position of being able to let go of control completely while still being comforted by the knowledge that she'll enjoy herself just as much - or even more - as if she'd kept it.

Being with him and letting him take charge lets her break down the tallest, most solid wall she built between herself and the world. It lets her just be whatever she wants to be without having to have one single concern about what she's risking to do that. Because he's seen every last side of her, he knows her inside out, body and soul. There's nothing she can do that will send him running, nothing to be self-conscious about, nothing to hide. And there's no feeling like that. Their relationship is still young but she already knows that.

He's been on top before, has called the shots, manhandled her, taken charge. But not like tonight, not with her giving herself over to him so completely, doing exactly and only what he tells her to, not even thinking about what she'd have them do next. Tonight was the first time they did this like this, and she thinks it might have been the first time in her life she's truly let go of any expectation of control. And God, it feels glorious.

Harvey starts pounding into her, the position of her legs letting him slide even deeper, her held-back arms making her breasts jut out, and he feasts on her, kisses her roughly, sucks on her breast, her neck, bites her pulse point. He's in complete control and it's so fucking hot it's driving her out of her mind. She doesn't even recognize the sounds coming out of her, embarrassingly loud and foreign to her ears. Her throat is hoarse by the time he starts playing with her clit again, using all his fingers to rub it hastily, so quick, so slick, and his body is still crashing into hers, making her feel so full.

Her orgasm practically steamrolls her, making her scream and thrash beneath him, sending white explosions bursting behind her eyes and her stomach clenching, her core contracting furiously as he keeps thrusting, the friction of his cock sliding in and out of her despite the tightness prolonging her pleasure.

She doesn't notice when he comes, just hears him moan and bury his face in her neck as her body continues to spasm with aftershocks that make her whimper. She can't be sure this is the most powerful orgasm she's ever had but it's definitely high up on the list, and she relishes the endorphins floating through her as she struggles to catch her breath.

Eventually she finally relaxes fully, bringing her now-stiff legs off his shoulders to crash on the bed. Harvey is completely slumped on top of her, clearly spent from all his exertion tonight.

"Holy shit," she finally exhales, voice laced with wonder.

"We definitely need to do this again," he agrees, finally rolling off of her.

"We definitely do."

"So you like me in charge, huh?" he teases her, and she doesn't even have to look at him to know he's sporting that smug grin of his.

Resolved not to stroke his ego any further, she plays it cool. "I like being in charge too, I just didn't feel like doing it after spending the entire day carrying that firm on my shoulders."

"Hm," he shrugs, not bothered by her jab. "I don't mind taking charge when you want. It was hot bossing you around," he smirks.

"Says the man who was my actual boss for twelve years," she squints at him, flashing him a grin of her own.

"Not the same. You never let me boss you around at the office. Besides, you've always been so uptight at work."

She rolls her eyes. "I'm not uptight."

"Okay, you're... contained," he tries being conciliatory, and she smiles her concession.

Harvey scoots closer to her, running a finger idly down her cheek. "I like you unleashed."

She snorts. "Unleashed?"

"Did you hear yourself tonight? Something was definitely unleashed there," he jokes, rolling over to cover her body with his.

"You're an idiot," Donna complains between laughs, squirming as he lays pecks on her neck.

"I'm serious. Good thing I don't have neighbors or we'd be in big trouble tomorrow," he goes on, laying more pecks wherever he can reach.

"Shut up," she laughs again, her grin subsiding when he fixes her with a tender look.

"You can lose control with me whenever you like," he says softly, brushing a strand of hair away from her eyes.

The words make warmth bloom in her chest and she smiles tenderly at him, nodding a bit. "I'll keep that in mind."