the reeling

Jake used to think that the most humiliating time of his life was when he caught his wife having an affair. It made him feel inadequate—all the great things about him were crumpled up, destroyed, the moment he opened the door to his wife's office that night.

But now, as he watched the door shut as Addison packed all that's left of them, the betrayal of his wife felt like a piece of cake. Watching Addison walk away felt like he was being stabbed in the heart. And the worst thing about it is he couldn't do anything about it, as much as he wanted to, he knew better than to stop Addison from walking away. It was what she wanted and he wants to respect that. He had just disrespected their relationship, he doesn't have the heart to do the same thing to her. She didn't deserve that. Addison meant more than that to him.

For the past five years, she was the person he came home to every night. It was her who he woke up next to in the morning; she was the first person he'd hold and the last he'd kiss. And even though they agreed to keep it quiet in the workplace, they still managed to steal moments so they could be together. And it gave him life. She gave him life—and if he was being honest, she was life itself for him.

He had messed up. He screwed up royally, and he broke his lover's heart. Now she's gone.

"Jake." He looked up to see her and frowned. She wasn't the she he was longing to see.

"Lily, what happened tonight?" He asked quietly as Lily sat beside him on the floor.

"Rex." She answered shortly. "Jake, I'm so sorry. I know Addison is probably mad…"

Lily stopped mid-sentence as she saw Jake shook his head. "She's beyond mad, Lils. She left. Archer picked her up, and she's on her way back to New York as we speak."

"What?" Lily asked in surprise. Addison was never the type of person to just pack up and leave, at least she thought she was.

"I made a mistake." Jake mumbled, sniffing lightly. "And now she's gone."

"Jake, you know that's not true." Lily disagreed. "Nothing happened between us."

"She doesn't know that." He confessed, looking in Lily's eyes.

"What do you mean?" Lily asked in confusion.

"I told her that the baby was mine."

"You son of a… why would you do that?" Lily exclaimed, lightly hitting Jake's arm.

"I don't know. I just, I couldn't think. She wanted me to leave with her." He expected Lily to start an Addison-bashing session, to say something smug, but she stayed silent and frowned. Jake sighed when she raised a brow at him, urging him to continue. "I was tempted, all I want is to be with her, you know that. But I can't do that. It's selfish…I can't leave you, I don't want to."

Lily nodded, taking in every word that Jake had just said. It's not surprising that he chose to stay with her, he always thought that he owed her that. That they owed each other that—to stay beside the other when they're in need. But what surprised her is what he did. He lied to Addison. He had hurt the only woman who could endure the pain of watching the love of her life be with someone else silently.

As much as she hated to admit it, Addison was a good person for Jake. She had helped him get better. She gave him inspiration. And she even started forming a good bond with Lily.

She still couldn't understand. Jake chose to stay with her, but at what cost?

"You know," Lily whispered after a moment. "Sometimes, I wish you were selfish."

"What?" Jake breathed in confusion.

"I wish you were selfish." Lily repeated softly. "I wish you'd stop being this good guy who did everything for me. The guy who sacrifices anything to defend my honor. I wish you'd stop acting like you owe everything to me."

"I can't just do that, Lils." He shook his head. "We vowed—"

"Those vows were broken the moment I disrespected them." She said, cutting him off sharply. Lily rolled her eyes, stopping him when he opened his mouth. "I'm not saying that you're innocent, we're both at fault here. All I'm saying is that I'm not the woman who you should be protecting, Jake. Addison is the one you should be protecting."

"Jake, she may have agreed to this, but you—we. We brought her here. We asked her to come back here, and she did. She packed up her life and moved." Lily reminded him softly. "It's not me you owe everything to. It's her. And I know Addison and I don't see each other eye to eye sometimes." She rolled her eyes when Jake raised an eyebrow at her. "Fine, most of the time… but that isn't the point. My point is you owed her the truth. The least you could've done was to be honest."

Jake nodded, Lily's words, and the words he said to Addison turning in his head. He told Addison the truth, just not the whole truth. He doesn't want to leave DC. Truth. Lily's pregnant. Truth. He loves her. Truth…but he didn't cheat on her. He wouldn't. Not in a million years.

Not when his heart sank every time he left home to play the part of Lily's devoted husband. Not when he longed to hold her hand instead of basking in the hold the public has on him. Not when his soul was begging for hers to come back so that they could be together again. Not when he could only see himself growing old with her—not when he loved her.

His heart belonged to her. He belonged with her. She had touched every part of him and there was no going back from that.

"Do you think I should follow her?" Jake asked after a moment. "Maybe if I told her the truth she'd come back."

"No." Lily said immediately, gripping on Jake's arm when he dared to stand up.

"No?" He asked in confusion. "You just told me that she deserved to know the truth."

"Yes, I did, but not like this. Not right now." Lily sighed, it pained her to watch him hurt, but she couldn't let him do something irrational either…something that could hurt not just him even more. "She's hurt right now, Jake. And telling the truth right now isn't going to fix what's broken. Just let her be for a while. She deserves a little time."

"But what about us? I can't just let her believe that I'd do that to her."

"You already did." Lily wrapped an arm around his shoulders. "And I'm not saying that it has to be that way forever. You can still change it, just not right now. I'll be here and I'll be the first person cheering for both of you when the time comes."

"Really?" Jake asked in disbelief.

"Yeah, just make sure that Addison makes me a bridesmaid when you two finally get married." Lily smirked, trying to make the situation lighter.

"Lily, I don't think that's gonna happen."

"You two can make it happen." Lily gave him a soft smile and Jake smiled slightly. "You two are perfect for each other, you just have to wait for it to happen."

the remembering

There are days where he loses hope. Today was one of those days. Addison's never coming back, his mind says, but there was always something in his heart. That huge Addison-shaped space in his heart that was always waiting for her. It always longed for her. And it always reminded him of how much he loves her.

Sometimes he'd walk around the hospital, almost expecting a redhead resident in her salmon scrubs to walk past him with a big smile on her face. At home, sometimes he could still hear her and Juanita talking about him when they thought he wasn't home yet. She was all he could see and she wasn't even there. She was all he could feel and he wasn't even sure if she felt the same about him.

She cut ties with him the moment she left, he'd tried to contact her multiple times in the last few years but nothing ever came out of it. He wrote letters to her every time he saw her name in a medical journal, telling her about how proud he is of what she became. She never dignified him with an answer. No thank you, no nothing.

He even called Archer once—he may have been mad at him for hurting his sister but Jake was one of the only friends he had—after his divorce with Lily got finalized. He was trying to ease Addison in the conversation, but when he was about to ask about her, Archer cut him off. "She doesn't want me to say anything, but I can assure you that she's fine."

She's fine. That was the only thing he knew about her. Besides the articles he's read about her surgical prowess, that was the first time someone assured him that she was fine. And he's glad.

When the news about him and Lily deciding to get a divorce broke out—it was so much calmer than they all imagined—all he could think about is how it affected Addison. Was she hurt? Was she disappointed? Was she happy? He wanted to know if he still had a chance in her heart. If there was still a chance for them to be together again. A chance for them to do what they've always wanted.

She never said anything before, but he could tell. He could see the look in her eyes when her eyes happened to land on his wedding band. She used to tell him that she didn't need a wedding, that she doesn't need a piece of paper to prove their love and commitment to one another. All I need is for you to be with me. She vowed to remain loyal to him, and so did he.

He promised to be there because it was all that mattered to her, but he still managed to broke that promise.

"Daddy!" He smiled as he heard the familiar squeal that always managed to mend his broken heart.

"Well hello there, Miss Angela." He walked towards the little girl, and his smile grew wider as he watched her run up to him.

"Did you bring it?" The eight-year-old girl asked as she finally reached him.

"You mean your bacon cheeseburger? Of course I did." He showed his daughter the bag in his hand and Angela smiled widely.

"And the curly fries?" She asked excitedly.

"They're in here too." He assured her. He held up a hand when she tried to reach for it and gave his daughter a teasing smile. "What's the magic word?"

"Thank you!" She giggled as her father handed her the bag filled with her favorite food.

"Very good." Jake smiled widely, lifting the little girl in his arms causing her to giggle even more. "Come on, you can eat your bacon cheeseburger and fries in your mommy's office."

He walked through the halls of Lily's house with Angela in his arms, pausing when he caught sight of the photo of Addison in one of the mantles. He never understood why Lily had a photo of her in her house but he never asked. It brought comfort to him that his daughter gets to know Addison, even if it was only through the photos they had.

"Daddy." Angela whispered quietly, cutting through his thoughts.

"Yes, baby?"

"Aunt Addie said I was pretty." Jake turned to look at his daughter, continuing his journey towards his ex-wife's office.

"Aunt Addie?" He asked in confusion.

"The lady in the picture." Angela said. "She was really pretty! And really nice too, she said I could play with her at the party."

"Where did you meet aunt Addie?" Jake glanced at his ex-wife as they reached her office.

"We bumped into her at the mall." Lily explained as Jake placed their daughter on the couch. "Your daughter immediately ran up to her when she saw her, and we had coffee to catch-up. She's great, Jake."

"She looks like a princess!" Angela chimed in before returning her attention to the cheesy fries that her father bought for her.

"That she does." Lily agreed, turning to look at Jake. She motioned for him to come near her.

"Did she, uhm, did she ask about me?" Jake asked quietly as he sat on the chair in front of her.

"No." She shook her head sadly, giving Jake an apologetic smile. "But she will be coming for the annual winter gala this weekend. She's coming to represent Charles and Bizzy since they're still on vacation."

"And…"

"And what?"

"Lily." He prodded.

"She's single." Lily said with a smile.

Jake couldn't help the smile that started to form across his face, his heart fluttered; and then suddenly, he started hoping again. She came back.

thirteen years gone

"So, do you want me to play cupid or can you talk to her on your own?"

He turned to see Lily smirking at him teasingly.

"Shut up."

"Speak up." Lily chuckled as she stood beside him, watching Addison play with Angela. "Just so you know, Addison is the only woman I'd approve of to become Angela's stepmom."

"Lils." He shook his head.

"You've been watching her the whole night." She pointed out. "And you've spent watching her through medical journals and newspapers even longer than that. Now she's here, you finally have the chance to talk to her, and you're not gonna do anything about it?"

"I don't even know what to tell her." Jake confessed, frowning slightly. "I mean, I poured my heart out to her in every letter that I wrote, but she never wrote back to me. What if that's her way of telling me that she doesn't want anything from me?"

"She's available."

"But is she available for me?" He asked Lily in exasperation. "It's been eight years of nothing. I could've followed her to New York. I could've come to one of the conferences that I was invited to, but I chickened out. I've let so much time pass. Do you really think she'd still want me even after all that?"

"I don't know." Lily sighed. "But I do know that there's a reason why she's here and why she isn't with someone else after all these years."

"She could be celibate."

"I doubt that, I used to live next to the two of you." Lily winced as she remembered all the nights that she endured sleeplessly.

"Lily!" He reprimanded her, a betraying chuckle escaped his lips.

"What? It's true." Lily laughed along before growing serious. "You should go talk to her."

"I don't know what to say." He shook his head sadly.

"Tell her that you love her. You still love her, right?"

"Lily, you know I do." He answered quickly.

"Don't tell me, show her." Lily gave him an encouraging smile. "This is your time, don't let it go to waste."

Jake nodded, breathing in deeply. "Okay…I just, I need to walk for a while then I'll tell her. Can you, uhm, can you make sure she doesn't leave till I get back?"

"Gladly." Lily grinned, nudging him. "Go."

Jake casted a quick glance at Addison, smiling at the way she was with his daughter. Even a stranger could tell that Addison adored Angela, and Angela idolized her. His heart swelled. He wondered if he'd be able to see her do the same if their daughter had been born. Addison would've been an amazing mother, that he's sure of. And it hurt him how that chance was snatched away from them.

His thoughts continued as he wandered the halls in search of his safe place. The annual winter gala was always held at the same place he saw Addison thirteen years ago. That meant that the couch Addison showed him was also there, and he was grateful for that. Addison and him used to escape there together, and when she left, he had taken the spot. When he felt the need to escape, he'd come and sit there and hope that one day he'd be able to sit there with Addison again.

He sighed in relief when he caught sight of the familiar red couch. This is where it all started—technically, it was when he saved her from drowning, but still—this is where she saved him. The moment their eyes locked that night, he knew he belonged with her. He may not have known what's to come, but he was sure of one thing, Addison was something. There was something about her that made him feel home.

Jake used to tell her that she was his home when they were still keeping their relationship private. It doesn't matter where we are, I'm home as long as you're with me. And when he lost her, he lost his home as well. She may have given him the house that they spent together in for years, she may have let Juanita stay with him, but it wasn't his home.

Home was when she wrapped her arms around him when she's happy or when she just wants to. It's when she burrows under his chin when they sleep at night, desperate to feel him. Home was when she smiled at him every time their eyes met. It's when she scrunches her nose when she laughs—

"How did I know I'd find you here?"

—Home was wherever she was. Which was apparently in front of him.

"You know me." Jake smiled softly. He looked calmer than he felt. His heart was fluttering with the way she was smiling at him. Everything about her was beautiful, even now. She looked more mature in the red dress she was wearing, her flaming hair was shorter. It was different from what he was accustomed to, but he's definitely not complaining. She always looked beautiful…but it was always her smile that took his breath away.

"All too well." She agreed, grinning at him. "Can I…would it be okay if I sit?"

"Sure." He patted the space beside him and offered it to her. Their eyes met as she sat down, and he cleared his throat. "Head of obstetrics and gynecology, huh? And one of the foremost neonatal surgeons in the country. That's impressive."

"It's nothing compared to what you brought to the field of fertility, Dr. Reilly." She answered modestly, causing him to grin. "So…Lily as the governor, huh? I thought she'd go straight to congress."

"She wanted to slow down for Angela." He explained.

"And that was a good decision. Angela's an amazing kid." Addison said softly. "You two did a great job with her."

"I like to think we did, considering how dysfunctional we are." Jake chuckled.

"Well, just to assure you, your daughter is an amazing human being." Addison said, chuckling along with him.

They both fell silent once the laughter died down. He looked at her. And she looked at him. Neither of them knew what to say, especially Jake. The worst thing that I ever did was what I did to you. He wanted to tell her the truth. He wanted her to know that he loves her and he will never stop, but he didn't know how.

"Addison, I have to tell you something." He started, Addison looked him straight in the eyes. "I've been meaning to tell you this…I'm sorry I couldn't, I didn't. I just. Addison, you have to let me tell you how sorry I am. I didn't meant to hurt you before, I just didn't know how to tell you…The thing is, Rex, he, uh…Angela isn't—"

"I know." She said, cutting him off softly.

"What?" He asked in surprise. No one, except him and Lily knew.

"Lily told me." Addison confessed. "A few months after I left, Lily came to visit me. She was still pregnant back then, and I was so mad at her for showing her face to me. I was mad that she had the nerve to come unannounced after what you made me believe. I tried to shut the door on her, but then she told me, and I couldn't be mad anymore."

Jake nodded, trying to hide his shock. Addison knew all this time. Lily told me. He didn't need to tell her because she knew—then why didn't she return his letters?

"Why didn't you come back then?" Jake asked, his tone soft not accusatory.

"Because I couldn't interfere," She answered simply. "Angela needed a father, and I knew Rex would never be that person. I mean, I saw him in New York a few months ago and he was dating a woman young enough to be Angela's older sister. He's disgusting. And you're not. You're warm, kind and you have a big heart. She deserves a father like you."

"The letters…"

"I, I wasn't ready yet." She mumbled, tears welling up in her eyes. "I may not have been angry at her, but I was at you. You lied to me, Jake. I trusted you and you didn't trust me enough to tell me the truth. It broke my heart."

"I needed to fix myself, I needed to learn how to survive. And God knows, there were days where I was almost tempted to come back so you could fix me, but I couldn't. It wasn't your job to fix me." She said, caressing his cheek with her fingers. "I needed to do this for myself. I had to know if I could live without you and I can."

Jake's shoulders slumped, he tried to look away from her, but she cupped his cheek.

"I can live without you, I just don't want to." She whispered softly, ignoring the tears falling down her cheeks. "Because if there's anything that I learned while being away from you, it's that the time apart we had brought me closer to you. I've loved you for a long time, but this was different. Not being with you gave me more reason to fight for you, because being away from you made me realize how much I loved you. No one would ever compare to you, Jake."

"Addison, I…" He was stunned to say the least. He thought she'd stop loving him. He expected her to hate him.

"Addison, I'm divorced." He grimaced as the words came out of his mouth.

"I know." She laughed whole-heartedly before giving him a teasing smirk. He laughed along with her. "I celebrated after Archer told me."

"Well, I…" He gently wiped her tears away. "I love you. I never stopped. I never will."

"I love you too." A big smile formed on her face as she continued to caress him.

He grinned at her. Thirteen years ago, in this very place, their love affair started. It was a long and painful journey, but here they are today. They where back to were it all started, but this time, they saved each other.

Jake leaned in to seal their reconciliation with a kiss, but Addison had placed a hand on his chest. He looked at her in confusion.

"Not tonight. Not like this," She gave him an impish smile. "I'm, uh, I'm moving back here and I have a lot of time. I want to ask you if, I guess I…"

"Addison." He said softly, putting his hands on top of hers.

"Angela said there was a diner here that served the best bacon cheeseburger." She cleared her throat, smiling uncontrollably as it dawned on him. "I was wondering if you want to go on a date with me. Wednesday?"

Jake smiled, kissing her temple. To love and to honor. "I'd be honored to go out on a date with you."

They may have not sealed it with a kiss tonight, but it didn't bother Jake. They have a lot of time. And this time around, he promised himself that he'd never lose her. He would give her the life that she always dreamed of.

Now that she's home, he'll make sure that every day that she knows she's loved. Addison meant the world to him. She was his home and he'd do everything to protect her.

It won't be easy, they've both maimed each other in the past thirteen years. But this time he's ready for it, he'll be ready for the hard parts. And he knows she will be too, because together they belonged.


A/N: End. I hope you enjoyed the story and I hope everyone is doing well. Thank you for reading! And thank you for my holy trinity: Addison Montgomery, Jake Reilly and Taylor Swift.