When castiel first laid eyes on dean winchesters soul in hell, he was lost.

There was something so consuming in putting him back together piece by piece. As if castiel had been given an honor to have saved this man. The righteous man. He was meant to be a vessel for Michael, that's why castiel was here to save him in the first place. Something about the idea of this man's soul being used as an angelic weapon was almost... devastating to castiel. But these were his orders. And castiel was a good soldier.

"You don't believe you deserved to be saved"

It's a statement though castiel thinks it comes out more of a question. Because he knew dean winchesters soul. Knew every crevice of the broken man. He saved him because it was an order. He didn't have a choice. But in this moment, castiel thinks he would've saved him regardless. He'd never seen a soul like Deans. A soul like that deserved to be saved.

"If you make me walk in there, you won't like what comes back out"

Green.

Dean winchesters eyes were green. Forest green like a deep untouched nestle of trees, damp from rain.

"I'd give everything for you to not have to do this"

And it's the truth. Castiel would give anything to keep dean from having to taint his soul over again. But he's an angel. Angels aren't supposed to feel. Or mourn. But he mourns the loss of the brightness of deans green eyes when he comes back out. As if another piece of him is lost. And this time castiel can't put him back together.

When Anna confronts him, he feels slivers of doubt creep through.

Would God truly want dean winchester to do this?

And if he did, why did castiel find it wrong?

Castiel thinks that dean might be the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen.

They're sitting on benches, separate but together in this little space they've created. And dean seems lonely. Angry at Sam, at a God he didn't think was real, at angels and demons and the world. At himself. It seems no matter who's truly at fault, Dean Winchester has a nasty habit of turning the blame inward. That was so he can believe he deserves the things that happen to him. The people he loses. The pain and suffering. It's easier to see it as a punishment. Castiel thinks it doesn't make sense. He's seen deans soul. He's seen the good and bad. He knows that dean doesn't deserve this, not in the way he believes. But it's his destiny. They don't have a choice.

But all the same, castiel can't help but notice that dean is beautiful.

"I GAVR EVERYTHING FOR YOU AND THIS IS WHAT YOU GIVE TO ME"

Their faces are close together and castiel can taste deans breath but there's anger burning inside him in a way he didn't think it ever could. He feels on fire every part of him set alite at the idea of dean saying yes to Michael. After everything they'd been through, that he would throw away his free will. He was angry. But there was something deeper down. Fear. Castiel couldn't quite figure out why that fear was there. But when he learned dean was going to say yes nothing had stopped him from going to meet the hunter head on and beat some sense into him. A world in which dean winchester wasn't himself was terrifying.

Castiel didn't know why.

Team Free will.

That's what dean had called the three of them.

A boy destined to be an abomination, a monster, the vessel of the devil himself. A boy who chose differently. Who was kind and honest and good. Sam.

An angel, a servant of God and a weapon of heaven. Not meant to feel or choose. Only meant to obey. An angel that fought back against his orders, all for the sake of the winchesters. Castiel.

And a man. Righteous and deadly. Daddys blunt little instrument meant to die on the hunt and live on the road and be the word or Michael. A man who only wanted to keep people safe. A man that was brave and selfless and loving.

They wanted to fight. To live and die on their own terms. They didn't want an apocalypse to destroy the earth all because Michael and lucifer couldn't talk things out. Gabriel was wrong. This wasn't the only way. They'd make another path if they

needed too.

"I know two things for sure. Bert and ernie are gay. And you're not gonna die a Virgin. Not on my watch"

Castiel doesn't know who Bert and ernie are and what their sexual orientation has to do with the him dying tomorrow, but dean is smiling. He smiles in that way that makes something inside castiels chest clench. He doesn't know what it means or why it happens but something twists and turns within him every time dean winchester smiles.

Sadness.

That's what this feeling is, Castiel decides. Every time Dean chooses anger as his response. When he watches as he fights and rages and yells. But his eyes are always sad. Empty. And castiel feels it keenly. As if the emotion is his own. Which he supposes that's what it becomes. Because seeing dean sad makes him sad. Later he'll learn that

this is empathy. That because he cares about dean (and yes he knows he cares about him. That he wants him safe and happy because dean deserves to be happy no matter that he thinks he doesn't) he feels sad for dean, with him. And he wishes he knew how to express that to dean. Maybe if he knew that castiel felt with him, maybe he wouldn't feel so alone.

As long as castiel was in existence, dean would never be alone.

He knows he doesn't always make the right chooses. Free will is harder then he thought it would be. To be given different situations and try to find solutions to problems he doesn't know how to solve. And he makes dean upset. He hurts him and fights with him because they both think they're right and neither one knows what compromise is. Or how to even talk to each other. Because castiel is still learning. And dean was always taught to keep his thoughts and feelings

buried deep inside him. So they don't talk. They yell. They leave each other. They never really say sorry. But dean will laugh again at some little thing that every human understand but castiel can't grasp yet. And castiel will once again forget what personal space is and stand far too close but dean doesn't always push him away.

Castiel is happy when dean doesn't push him away.

He starts to notice little things about dean.

He memorizes all his favorite things.

Dean love his brother.

His car.

Beer.

Dean loves music.

And pie.

He loves things in an almost childlike way. With no reservations or holding back.

He finds that when Dean loves something. He loves it with his entirety.

He realizes it's because love was the only thing he was ever really allowed to feel as a child. Not in the soft ways a parent loves a child or vice versa. But in the way dean was taught Sam was his responsibility. That it was his purpose. And it was his love for Sam that grew around that. The wasn't allowed sweetness or kindness but be was allowed Sam. He was allowed the car. And hunting. And that was who he was. And so when he grew up and allowed himself certain things, he loved them.

Castiel wishes he could love the way dean does.

Maybe he also wishes he could be something dean loves.

Oh, to be loved by Dean Winchester.

He sees the unbridled joy on Deans face when he finds him in purgatory. There's guilt and fear and sadness in every vein in castiels body. But when dean pulls him in close, everything else seems to fade. Things weren't quite so bad in the arms of Dean. His best friend. And yes, that's what dean

is to him. That is the explanation to his constant worries over deans safety and happiness. The reason for his sacrifices. Dean was his best friend. But that doesn't quite explain away the dark feelings in his stomach whenever Dean pats Benny on the back. Or they share a smile. Castiel is only just truly starting to understand the depth and complexity to human emotions and this is not one he can put a name too. He wishes he could have deans attention to himself. He doesn't trust Benny. Thought admittedly the man hasn't really given him a reason not to. But he looks at dean in a way that makes castiel seethe. But dean is happy.

And castiel doesn't want to stand in the way of deans happiness.

When castiel loses his grace and becomes human, he feels every emotion piling down upon him. As if because his heart is now human he must experience what that means in crushing clarity. But he's excited and hopeful above all. He wants

to be of use to dean and Sam. To be the kind of humans they are. Heroes.

But dean turns him away. Something breaks in castiel. And he knows that tightening in his throat that makes him feel breathless and small, well that feeling is disappointment. It's the onslaught of loneliness. But he knows dean. And dean is best at pushing others away. And so he hopes that dean will want him back sometime soon.

He doesn't know what he'll do if he doesn't.

They're laughing. Castiel thinks it's the best thing in the world to be human and laughing with dean.

Dean places his hand on cas's shoulder. And that's who he is. Cas. He's the feeling of the weight of deans hand on him. He's the crinkle by deans eyes when he smiles. He's the dusting of freckle upon deans nose. Constellations on his face. It's like a reflection of the light of his soul. Castiel doesn't understand this knee weakening devotion he feels for dean. He doesn't feel it for Sam. Or Claire. Or

anyone really. Maybe it's because he has taken every piece of dean and reconnected them. Maybe he'll never be able to shake the feeling that he'd left a piece of himself in deans soul.

He wonders if dean feels it too.

He continues to make bad decisions. Well maybe not bad, but not the best decisions. He lies and betrays Sam and dean. And he thinks he'll never recover from the look in deans eyes.

"Cas..."

Dean sounds defeated. Like he doesn't want to pray to him, but like the longing and loneliness has broken him down. Castiel hates it. He hates it more then Crowley and Naomi and an absent God. Hates it more then he can describe. Hates it more because he's the cause of that defeat in deans voice.

He hates himself.

It starts gradually he thinks. The realization. He's spent years by deans side. Felt their connection, like a string tying them together. And no matter what happened they always found their way back to each other. That string had been a lifeline. And that's why when he gets the chance to keep dean safe again. To protect him again. To sacrifice himself for Dean Winchester again. He takes it. And he's finally come to the realization why.

"You changed me dean. You made me care. I cared because of you."

The look in deans forest eyes cracks that last little piece of cas's resolve. Blinding happiness. Complete and consuming. To see the utter devastation in deans face. To know he's figured it out. Why cas is saying these things. What it means.

"Why does that sound like a goodbye?"

And there's a desperation there. He can hear it. He wants to tell him it isn't goodbye. That he'll spend the rest of his eternal life by deans side. That he'll never say goodbye again. But he doesn't.

"Because it is"

The blackness starts to come for him. He knows it's his time. He's not afraid. He can't be afraid. Not when he finally understands what the feeling is. Why he memorized deans favorite things. Why it felt so important to memorize them. Why deans laugh felt like butterflies in his bloodstream. He understands why he always felt something near contentment just being by deans side.

"I Love you"

He doesn't need him to say it back. Its freeing to say it out loud. This was his choose. This was his path. This was his happiness. To love Dean Winchester. The one thing he always wanted but knew he could never have. And he was at peace with it.

The blackness surrounded him.

The last thing he saw was Dean Winchester.

And everything was OK.

Deans heaven was simple. The people he loved. And the road. Jack had done a wonderful job. He said so to Bobby.

"Well... Cas helped"

There it was. The one thing about heaven that wasn't so heavenly. There wasn't a cas here. There never would be. Sam would be here someday. He had Bobby and jo and Ellen and even Jack would visit now and again. But no cas. There's a casm opened within him. So large and empty and he hates it. The sky looks like castiels eyes. And there are bees around that remind him of the angel. But it feels hollow. He feels hollow. He hates castiel. Hates him for being a self sacrificing bastard. Hates him for always saving deans ass. Hates him for the smile that had been on his face when it felt like dean would never be able to smile again. But he hates himself more. He hates the time he wasted. Hates himself for every awful thing he'd ever said to cas.

Hates the fact that cas truly felt like he couldn't have him the way he wanted.

Dean was always his. Always had been. But he was a selfish and cruel bastard. And pushed away

the only person who offered the same unconditional love he'd given freely to those he'd deemed worth it. He knew sam loved him. But he loved eilleen and a life he'd always wanted more. And dean was OK knowing no one would extend that same sacrificing consuming love back to him.

But castiel did.

And castiel was gone.

The empty was familiar. Dark and quiet. And castiel wanted to rage against the silence. Wanted to scream and fight. But he was tired. And dean was safe. So castiel let himself rest. Let the love he felt cover him like a blanket.

And he slept.

He doesn't know for how long his eyes are closed but when he opens them again, Jack is standing

there. He hand is stretched forward and beckoning castiel to him.

"He misses you"

It's all Jack had to say before cas is on his feet and grabbing his sons hand and they're gone. Jack explains that he had talked to the empty. That he wasn't just going to leave him there. That he threatened to stand in the empty screaming for the rest of eternity if he had to. The empty had huffed and argued and threatened but eventually he grew tired and just wanted his peace again. So he gave cas back. Castiel hugs him. He's grateful and his chest swells with love and pride for this boy. He's loved by this boy. By many others waiting for him, he's loved. And castiel thinks that being loved is the best thing to be.

When he sees Dean Winchester again, he notices that the weight that had constantly been on his shoulders seemed to be lifted. He stood taller. He

laughed freely and often and he tussled his hair the way castiel had always loved. He was in heaven. It broke castiels heart that he didn't get to live the full life he'd wanted him too but Jack had only smiled and said.

"Cas, his life wouldn't have been full without you. He went out the way he wanted."

He watched as dean drove to a bridge. The sky was blue.

And when he finally got up the courage, he stepped out let himself appear behind him.

"Hello Dean"

And when Dean turned around and looked at him with those green eyes, castiel realized he'd been very wrong.

Yes being loved was the greatest thing in the

world.

But only if he was loved by Dean Winchester.