Betty slipped into her bedroom just after 2 am that morning, exhausted. The party had wound down around 1 and then she'd suffered the car ride with Jason back to her house on Elm Street. He'd spent the whole time complaining about how unwarranted the praise Archie had received was and how the team needed to do better, especially with scouts coming to look at them. Betty had nodded her head and tried to make supportive faces, although she felt like screaming at him that his parents could buy his way into any college and probably any football team he wanted so why was he so concerned about this scout and that scout. But she held her tongue. Jason had his own way of thinking and it wasn't smart to contradict him.
The rant had continued even as he'd pulled up to her house and she let him go on, despite how bone-tired she was. After a few minutes sitting there, she noticed Archie and Veronica alternately giggling and kissing as they made it out of the redhead's car and into his house next door to his. She wished she could be running inside with them, even if to be third-wheeled to the Andrews' guest bedroom, anything to get out of the car. Jason was still going strong and only when she visibly yawned did he relent.
"Tired, babe?" he asked.
"A little," she replied, hoping he was about to let her out of the car.
"Come here," he said, scooting over and putting his arm around her before going in to kiss her. Betty could feel the vomit rising in her throat. She had started to hate this part, when Jason wanted to be intimate.
Jason was so self-absorbed and insistent on being surrounded by people like some golden god so much of the time that the private time together they had was scant. But the moments they did have had become more and more grating for Betty. Of course, he was good-looking and she had obviously been attracted to him once, but for a while now, even before everything with Jughead, kissing him and being touched by him just made her feel empty inside. He had never paid attention to what her body wanted or how it responded; he just took until he was done. The same scene played out tonight. Jason kissed her aggressively, poking his tongue in way too fast, and groping her breasts over her sweater. She made a feeble attempt to kiss him back, so he wouldn't get mad or suspicious, but her heart wasn't really in it tonight. He seemed to get the message because after a few minutes, he pulled back.
"Get some rest, babe," he said, with a cocky grin. "I'll see you tomorrow or Sunday."
Betty faked her final smile for the night. "Bye J, see you."
She exited the car and started up the gravel path to the bright red door of her family home. Even without turning around, she could hear Jason's fancy sports car speeding away. She rolled her eyes. He never waited to make sure she got inside okay, even in the middle of the night.
Betty unlocked the door and tiptoed up the stairs to her bedroom. It was decorated in shades of pink and white, and except for a few photos of friends on her mirror, expressed nothing of who she felt as a person inside. It was just another type of prison, just one expertly decorated by her demanding and class-conscious mother Alice Cooper.
Betty undressed, throwing her jeans in the hamper, and hiding the dirty underwear in a bag in her drawer. She'd have to wash it separately when her mother wasn't around. If Alice discovered her daughter was in possession of a black lace thong, she'd have a fit and Betty would never hear the end of it.
"Are you whoring yourself to that Blossom boy? You know that's no way to keep a man…" and other various horrible things she could imagine her mother saying ran through her head. She shook her head, wishing them away like an etch-a-sketch. She definitely didn't have the emotional bandwidth to shame spiral into her mother's twisted mentality tonight.
After removing her sweater and bra, she pulled on a tank top and loose pajama pants. She brushed her teeth in the small bathroom adjoining to her room and as she stared at herself in the mirror, let her hair out of the ponytail. She shook it out and a tumble of blonde waves fell beside her face. Looking at herself, her hair messy and wild, the black kohl from her eyeliner now drooping into the bags under her eyes, she felt as much of herself as she ever did. This, this mess, that was the real her. Not the quarterback's girlfriend with the perfect preppy outfits and slicked back hair. This. She gave herself a half-smile and then turned out all the lights and crawled underneath her down comforter.
Trying not to get her hopes up, Betty checked her phone. Her heart cracked a little, but as she figured, there was nothing from him. She didn't really expect him to come tonight. It was late and she knew he had his own life and friends and god knows what else to do.
She put the phone by her night table and closed her eyes. Despite her exhaustion, however, sleep didn't come easily. Thoughts of Jughead filled her mind. She wondered where he was, what he was doing. If he was also in bed, the small twin bed in his tiny room at Sunnyside Trailer Park, thinking about her too. If he always felt as emotionally overwhelmed after their trysts as she did. She thought back to the beginning, the first time they'd kissed, by surprise, in the Blue & Gold office at school. The first time they'd slept together, that same night, at the Twilight's rickety old projection booth. She closed her eyes tighter as all the memories since then streamed in. But to really understand how she and Jughead had gotten together, she'd have to go back even further, to even before Jason, but the start of her freshman year of high school. When the bubble holding up the perfect Cooper family image burst.
Betty had been nervous to start high school. Anything new is always a bit scary. But she was also excited. She was a good student, had great friends in Archie and Kevin, and her older sister, Polly, who she was very close to, was going to be a junior and would be there to show her the ropes. Her parents expressed pride in both of them, and while strict, were loving and supportive of their interests and extracurriculars. Betty knew she wanted to join the staff of the high school's prestigious newspaper, the Blue & Gold, following in the footsteps of her beloved parents, publishers of the town's local newspaper, the Riverdale Register. Polly, pretty and popular with students and teachers alike, was set to become co-captain of the cheerleading squad. It seemed like they were on top of the world.
Things got even better, she had thought, as the first few weeks of school progressed. On the first day of school, she met Veronica Lodge, in homeroom. Veronica had just moved from New York City. At first, Betty had been intimidated by the beautiful brunette with her string of pearls and sophisticated Gossip Girl-esque outfits. But Veronica was super warm and friendly. The girls hit it off almost immediately, becoming close friends instantaneously. Veronica fit perfectly into her friend group, and it seemed like she'd always been a seamless part.
Things were great on the academic and extracurricular front as well. Already placed in honors classes, her teachers were super impressed with her and her grades were quickly becoming stand out. Based on the strength of her submissions to the paper, she had been named an assistant editor, as a freshman. Veronica also convinced her to try out for the cheerleading squad. Betty had been resistant at first, afraid of encroaching on Polly's domain, but even her sister was supportive, and she and Veronica became the only freshman to be accepted to the squad that year.
Betty wasn't sure how it had happened. She'd always considered herself bookish and shy, and maybe a bit of a loner, but there she was, counted among Riverdale High's popular crowd. Cute boys flirted with her, girls tried to befriend her, teachers loved her. It was all a bit much, but there was something nice about it, too. Nice to feel desirable. She was sure, in retrospect, that the high of that sensation had prevented her from seeing the ground shift under her, and, more specifically, the change in Polly.
It started with covert whispers between her parents, with them shutting up as soon as she came into the room. Then there was the intermittent shouting in Polly's bedroom that she strained to hear. It took her a while to understand what was going on. Polly had started seriously dating Munroe Moore over the summer. A Riverdale High grad two years older than Polly, he had foregone going to college and was waiting to join the army. Betty was vaguely aware of his family not being able to afford tuition. She also knew it didn't thrill her parents that Polly was dating a guy past high school who wasn't in college. But, at first, they seemed to operate on the assumption that it was just a phase and Polly would pick a suitable beau as the school year continued. That was until Polly began sneaking out almost every night and her grades started slipping. Things quickly got worse at the house. Silent standoffs and screaming matches at every meal. Her sister and parents could barely tolerate being in the same room together, and Betty was left alone in the awful tension between them.
The worst fight she happened to hear by accident. It was right before Christmas break. She had come home early when one of the Blue & Gold meetings was canceled. She must've forgotten to update her parents, or they didn't bother to check with her about her schedule (at that point, they were so engrossed in Polly's issues they barely paid attention to what was going on with her), because they didn't realize she was home. As soon as she heard the front door slam, she had a bad feeling. The sound was so loud it felt like the door had come off its hinges.
She crept out of her bedroom and ventured toward the stairwell when the yelling started.
"Well, are you happy now?"her father shouted.
"How can you be failing three of your classes!?" Alice wailed. "Don't you care about your future, Polly?"
Polly just glared at them.
"We're talking to you, Pauline," her father exploded.
"I don't care!"Polly screamed back. "I don't care about what you want or what's important to you. It's not important to me. I love Munroe and want to be with him."
"You're breaking up with Munroe," Alice replied, trying to rationalize with her. "You clearly can't handle yourself while in this relationship with him. You can still get back on track, but you have to be focused now."
"Fuck off, mother. Fuck off, both of you! God, I hate you both. All you care about is how this stupid town sees you. The 'perfect' Coopers. Well, screw that. I'm not going to live here anymore. I'm moving in with Munroe. We're getting married."
"You're not getting married," Hal laughed mirthlessly, his cynicism a poor attempt to show he still had control over the situation. To the side, Betty saw her mother start to cry at Polly's outburst.
"You can't stop us,"Polly shouted. "And what's more we're having a baby. I'm pregnant."
A terrible silence descended on the house. Her parents seemed to be frozen in shock. Betty couldn't believe she'd heard right either. How was any of this possible? After dropping her bomb, a flushed Polly pushed away from her parents and stomped up the stairs.
Betty tried to say something to her sister as she passed on the stairwell, but Polly just brushed past her. It was the last time she saw her.
The next morning when she woke up for school, no one was in the house. She tried to call her parents, but neither of them answered. Polly's phone was disconnected. Something was wrong. She could feel it. She'd gone to school and felt sick to her stomach the whole day. But she pushed on, because that's what Coopers did. Never show a sign of weakness. She didn't tell her friends about the fight and she pretended everything was fine. But she already knew it wasn't. Her family was still gone when she got home at 4. It was only later, as evening descended to night's darkness did her parents return. They were alone. Polly was nowhere in sight. Her parents didn't ask if she'd eaten, didn't even look at her. Alice pulled herself a glass of wine while Hal crumpled onto the couch, his face in his hands. Nobody spoke for some time. When Alice finally glanced at Betty, all she said was "Polly's gone away for awhile."
***
In the days and weeks that followed, it was as if the loving parents she'd known all her life completely disappeared. Her father totally disengaged, while her mom over-engaged, but not positively. All at once, every little thing Betty did Alice found something to criticize. "Your skirt is too short, your shirt's too tight, you look like you've gained weight, your schoolwork isn't measuring up, you'll never be valedictorian that way." The simmer of pain she felt after each criticism hurt too much to describe. Like she was an awful daughter who couldn't do anything right. Plus she missed her sister desperately, but she had no idea where she was and had no way to contact her. Her parents had instructed her to say Polly had transferred to Stonewall Prep, but Betty knew it wasn't true. She had called looking for her sister, but the administrators told her no one by that name had ever been enrolled there. So, on top of everything else, she was lying to all her friends and all of Polly's friends and virtually the entire school. A few times, she spotted Munroe in the parking lot, looking as if he wanted to come talk to her, but he never did. She could barely look at him anyway. She had no idea what she'd do if he had tried to engage her.
The year that had started with so much promise was becoming a nightmare. But being a Cooper, she simply had to hide it. To the town, they still seemed like the perfect all-American family. But inside, they had become a shell of a family. Every conversation was chilly, mindless chatter about work and school-related things, but never anything real. It left Betty feeling empty and blank inside. And then her mother would start in with the criticisms and complaints, and all her anger and hurt at the situation would bubble up, but there was nowhere to direct it to. She had never learned how to not be perceived as perfect, to show vulnerability or fury. That's when her second dirty secret started. When the tension got to be too much, when she felt the most pressure to be the perfect Riverdale sweetheart, she'd dig her fingernails into her hands until she drew blood. She knew it left ugly scars and she knew something was broken inside her, but she couldn't stop. That feeling of control simply took hold of her and it was addictive. Her only relief. It became just another crack in her facade she had to hide.
And then came Jason. Obviously, she had been aware of him since the start of the school year. He was the football team's star, already starting quarterback as a sophomore. Not to mention he was the golden child of the wealthiest family in town, the Blossoms. All the girls in school talked about how attractive he was and how much they wanted to date him. He'd flirted with Betty before, too, but she never took it too seriously. He could get any girl at school, even the upperclassmen. Why would he waste his time on a freshman? Suddenly though, as that winter turned to spring, he was everywhere. Hanging out at their table at lunch. Inviting her to gatherings at his house. Taking her on chaste dates to Pop's Diner. She enjoyed the attention he showered on her. She enjoyed being told by someone everyone seemed to worship how pretty and smart she was. It helped fill the hole of Polly being gone, of her parents turning into ghosts. When, in April, he officially asked her to be his girlfriend, she, of course, said yes. Who wouldn't? The most popular boy in school wanted her—it was as if all the bad, all the rotten she felt inside her was momentarily scraped away.
Jason had been like a dream boyfriend for the first few months. He took her on cute dates, bought her trinkets, and always bragged about what a great girlfriend and star she was at school. She had never been quite comfortable with the physical aspect with him, being really inexperienced in that department, but he never pushed her too far, even though she knew he'd already slept with a few girls. They kissed and he touched her in places. It was nice enough. It felt like he liked her body and was attracted to her, and that made her feel good, even if what they did together didn't fill her with the physical passion Veronica was always talking about.
At the start of her sophomore year, his junior year, though, a change seemed to come over him. He suddenly claimed to be under more pressure to excel at school and football. And he would take that pressure out on her. It reminded her of the dynamic with her mother. While Jason would sing her praises in public, he would constantly criticize her when they were alone. He'd say she wasn't supportive enough of his problems. That she wasn't good at coming up with solutions. He'd chastise her for the way she dressed, alternating between something being too sexy or not cute enough. He'd get annoyed when she was friendly toward other guys, or when any of her close friends wanted alone time. In retrospect, there were so many red flags. Even in real time, Betty was too smart not to realize how controlling and demanding he was, but she also didn't know how to escape it. She was so used to hiding the bad and putting on a face of everything being sunshine and rainbows that she didn't know how to broach the topic with Veronica or Archie or Kevin. And anytime she tried to bring up to Jason the fact she wasn't happy, he would say she was being crazy and that they were great together and there's no way in hell they could break up because they belonged together. She guessed a part of her believed that, too. And he scared her enough that she just stopped trying to change that fate.
Betty tried really hard not to think back about that time. Who wanted to remember it? It was all so awful. She shook the thoughts away. She still had no idea where Polly really was and hadn't spoken to her in two years. It was a fresh wound, As for Jason, well that was ongoing whiplash. She loved her friends, she really did, but the only real solace in her life, the only thing that had made her feel really alive, was Jughead. It wasn't just physical between them. The bond they shared was something she hadn't ever believed was possible between two people. It wasn't a perfect lovey-dovey fantasy. They clashed, frequently, and everything about their situation was untenable in the long term. But it was real. And because of him, she understood that was all that mattered. Caring and trying, despite the hardship. The feeling of another person pushing you forward, making you better, while, at the same time, making sure you were safe. It had been a long time since she'd felt like that, if she ever had.
Betty wished he had come to her bedroom that night. She really wished he was there with her. She drifted into a restless sleep thinking about him and before she knew it, it was 10 am, and her eyes were carefully adjusting to the sunshine shining in from the open curtain. Thankfully, her mother hadn't woken her up to lecture her about going for a run or doing homework. The house seemed quiet. A rare, but welcome occurrence. She was grateful, too, that Jason hadn't made definite plans for the day, all the more so when she checked her phone. He'd written.
Twilight: Screening of Rebel Without a Cause tonight at 7.
She smiled. She'd covertly saved him in her phone under the name Twilight. The idea was that if anyone happened to see her phone, they'd think it was just alerts about screening times. But there was symbolism behind the choice too. The drive-in theater was the place they slept together the first time. He'd played the Elliott Smith song with the same title for her that night, after, as she lay in his arms in the rickety cot, under a threadbare blanket. Her smile lingered at the memory, thinking of the way his beautiful eyes watched her as she absorbed for the first time something he loved and wanted to share with her. She could die for his stormy dark blue eyes. In fact, she joked they looked like the color of the sky at twilight. Another reason for the silly pseudonym. She loved how he'd blushed when she'd told him that. Jughead never blushed.
She re-read the message several times. It was a code. Rebel Without a Cause was his favorite movie. It meant he'd be at the drive-in tonight working the projector, alone. They could have a few hours together. She knew she needed it.
Betty: Save me a seat in the last row.
Twilight: Always.
