Gray. That's all Betty could see. A punishing, unrelenting gray. It covered everything around her like ash after a fire. Every room she entered, every person she spoke to, every sensation she felt. She couldn't get away from it. She was suffocating in it. The first few days after their last meeting, she'd still tried to convince herself Jughead would write. That he would tell her he didn't really mean it and ask her to come see him again. But he didn't. She kept up the pretense the first few days back at school, hoping if he could catch a glimpse of her, it would change things. But he avoided her completely. She barely saw him in the halls and he sat as far away as possible from her in the classes they shared. He didn't show up in the cafeteria either. And when he didn't come to the first Blue & Gold meeting of the new semester, she knew it was really over. And then the gray descended. She couldn't see anything else but the blankness.
School was her only tether, despite how unbearable it was to be near him there. She walked through the halls in a stupor, using all of the miniscule energy she had to expend on paying attention to her teachers and completing her homework. That was it. She begged out of almost all excursions with her friends, and didn't leave her room after school and on weekends. She barely managed to skim over the articles the newspaper staff submitted, letting an entire issue go out to print without any edits. She couldn't eat. She couldn't even cry. She barely slept. She was drowning in the loss of him and there was no way out of the ensuing gray.
Things came to a head the Thursday two weeks after the new semester had started. She was sitting with her friends in the cafeteria, absent-mindedly pushing the food on her tray around with a fork. Her friends were talking about something, but she wasn't paying attention. Everything was numb. Continuing to stir her food in a zombie-like trance, she barely noticed Veronica calling her name.
"Betty," Veronica said, louder this time, and the blonde looked up at her, a dazed expression on her face. "I asked if you're okay. You're hardly touching your food."
"I'm fine," she replied, but there was no conviction behind her words.
Veronica made a searching face. "I noticed you've lost weight in the last few weeks," she murmured, biting her lip. Her voice expressed concern and worry for Betty's well-being, but also nervousness that the blonde would get upset at her for bringing it up in front of the rest of their friends.
"Betty's trying to lose weight before prom," Jason explained like it was old news, patting her shoulder patronizingly. For a fraction of a second, red hot rage sizzled up inside her and she frowned deeply, barely managing to hold her tongue from lashing out at him. Then she saw him, Jughead, walking into the cafeteria together with a few Serpents. Her breath stopped. He looked tired, but otherwise fine. He was dressed in a knitted burgundy sweater over a similar colored t-shirt, dark jeans, and his gray crown beanie. His face wore its usual expression of confident moodiness. She couldn't help but feel weak in the knees at how utterly attractive she still found him.
"I don't think Betty needs to lose weight," Kevin chimed in, but Betty could barely hear him. She was too busy staring intently at Jughead, willing him to look at her. She refused to remove her gaze, and just as the Serpents started to pass by their table, he finally glanced in her direction. She could see him freeze in place and his face go white as he saw her and their eyes met. A sharp look of pain came over his face, turning his eyes into an inky blue pool. She had to look down, burned by the hurt in his eyes, the gray fog choking her. Unfortunately, Jughead standing still for a moment was just enough time for Jason and Cheryl to jump on the Serpents and start to attack.
"Well if it isn't the gang of snakes," Jason mocked.
"I thought I smelled something nasty," Cheryl added.
Instead of keeping his usual composure, Jughead visibly tensed at their words. He seemed rattled, and it was enough ammunition for Jason to continue his bullying act and push the knife in deeper.
"Why the long face, Jughead?" Jason taunted gleefully. "Did one of your little Serpent sluts quit riding your dick?"
Betty had never seen a look of rage quite like the one that crossed Jughead's face. Color immediately returned to his cheeks and his eyes smoldered like coals. His fingers, always so tender with her, began to curl into strained fists. She was sure that if Sweet Pea hadn't grabbed a hold of his arm, Jughead would have lunged over the table to attack Jason. It scared her a little to see him so ready to act with violence, but it also excited her in a dark visceral way. He was defending her too (although only the two of them knew that), which was in itself prepossessing, but there was also nothing she wanted more in that moment than to punch her own boyfriend in the nose and wipe the self-satisfied sneer from his face.
"Ignore him," Sweet Pea warned through clenched teeth, dragging Jughead and the rest of the gang away before a full-on fight could break out.
Jason busted out laughing, with his lackeys Moose and Reggie chiming in. "What a loser," he called after them.
Something broke inside her and she turned angrily to Jason. "Why do you always have to be such an asshole?" she seethed at him, before pushing her chair back loudly and getting up from the table. The incredibly nasty look Jason shot her way frightened her, and she knew she'd likely face some form of punishment for publicly speaking out against him. But she didn't care. She just shook her head and turned and walked away. She could feel the eyes of half the cafeteria on her as she retreated, but none of them mattered. Only the blue pair she saw watching her attentively, as she turned to look back, just once, briefly, made any difference.
After the bell rang marking the end of the school day, a drained Betty made her way to the Blue & Gold office. All she wanted was to disappear under the covers of her bed and not come out for days. If only that were an option. At least she could go home soon. She just had to get through this newspaper meeting first.
Kevin wandered in shortly after her and approached her desk bouncing with energy. "What do you say about a friend-date tonight? Vanilla milkshakes at Pop's? My treat."
The last thing Betty wanted was to be out in public with half of the town's eyes on her, even though she knew she owed Kevin, not having checked in on what was new with him for some time. Still she fumbled for an excuse to get out of the excursion. "I don't know, Kev. I'm feeling really tired and…"
"Come on, Betty. We haven't hung out in ages," he pleaded, interrupting her. "I know you're having a bad day, but I promise it'll be a nice pick-me-up. Please."
She relented and offered him a half smile. "Okay. That sounds nice."
"Yay," he cheered, before turning serious. "So about earlier today, is everything okay with you and Jason?"
Before she could come up with an answer, she saw Toni enter, a reluctant Jughead in tow. He refused to look at her, his eyes wandering in every direction but hers. She gaped at him, the wheels on overdrive in her brain. She hadn't expected him to return to meetings. What did it mean? And wasn't it a bad sign he couldn't even look at her?
Toni broke her from these spiraling thoughts, her face looking curiously between the two of them, before speaking. "Jughead's been busy with family stuff. He's sorry for missing the last few meetings."
"It's fine," Betty chirped out. "We missed you," she added softly, hoping he caught the meaning behind her seemingly innocuous words.
He just gave a curt nod and sat down.
Dilton and Ethel soon filed in and they all sat around pitching her stories, which she agreed to quickly, without much argument. She was too focused on attempting to catch Jughead's eyes and trying to get a sense of what he was feeling to give suggestions or press the staff deeper. Jughead was stubborn, though, never looking her way, even when he pitched his story idea—a feature on bullying. She nodded her assent, her heart tearing anew each second he refused to meet her gaze.
After another hour of discussion and writing work, the meeting wound down, and everyone started to pack up their stuff. On the heels of Dilton and Ethel leaving the room, Jason barreled in, his demeanor immediately shifting from a hawk ready to swoop in on his prey to the affable big man on campus when he saw people were still in the room.
"Betty, can we talk?" he asked, sounding contrite, but which she could immediately read as an act. His face betrayed him, a darkness glowering behind his brown eyes, signaling it was not a request and he would definitely not be apologizing when it was just the two of them alone in the room.
Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Jughead tense up. He immediately grabbed his bag and said a gruff "Let's go" to Toni, before disappearing with her out the door.
Betty could feel herself deflate. Looking back at Jason, she tried to weasel her way out of what she knew would be a supremely unpleasant conversation. Not even conversation, more like diatribe against her. "Kevin and I have plans so…"
"Well, that's alright," Jason cut in, giving Kevin a sickeningly sweet smile. "Kev, you don't mind giving us a few minutes alone and then heading out, do you?"
"Sure. I'll wait for you in my car, Betty," he said happily, skipping out.
Betty swallowed, watching him go, the dread filling her stomach. Once he was safely away, Jason pounced on her.
"What the fuck was that today, Betty?" he hissed, closing in on her and punctuating every syllable. He was leading her closer to the wall and she started to feel very afraid he was about to do something. Sure, he'd been violent with words before, but never physically. But then, she'd never actively talked back to him before.
"I'm sorry…I was just tired and hungry…and…" she tried to explain, physically cowering as he boxed her into the wall.
"That's not an excuse. How dare you go against me and embarrass me in front of half the school like that? Are you insane?"
"I didn't mean to embarrass you, I swear," she said, trying to keep her voice apologetic in an effort to calm him down.
He backed off slightly and narrowed his eyes at her. "You didn't mean to, huh? That's why you called me an asshole? When half the cafeteria could hear?"
"I'm sorry," she tried feebly again, feeling ready to cry, but holding it in for fear it would just exacerbate the situation and set Jason off.
"Betty," he said, his voice deadly serious, as he started pacing ominously in front of her. "You don't talk back to me. You don't express an opinion, unless I tell you to. Is that understood?"
Betty nodded, too afraid to speak, just wanting him to go and leave her alone. She felt like at any moment he could hit her or worse.
Sensing the fear on her face and clearly getting off on it, Jason laughed. "Do you know what you're good for? To be my sweet, innocent girlfriend that everyone likes. That's it. That's all. Do you really think I'd stay with someone so vanilla and boring who wants to wait for sex if it weren't for the fact that for some reason the idiots here seemed to like her."
Betty could feel her fingernails unconsciously curling into her skin as he berated her. She was terrified and angry and nauseous. All she wanted was to sink into the oblivion the physical pain could bring her to. She was so weak, she knew, so pathetic. And she would be weak before Jason too. She wouldn't fight him, or argue with him, even though she knew he was clearly lying and gaslighting her. All she wanted was him to go away. "I won't do it again," she whispered, fighting back the tears quickly forming in her eyes.
"Yeah, you better not," he warned, walking a few paces back. His fingers curled around the Riverdale Register mug on her desk filled with the red pens she used for editing. "You're going to act how I expect you to act, or you're going to suffer the consequences."
"Jason, please," she begged, trying to get him to stop with the threats, but it wasn't apparently the right answer. The mug curled in his fingers was suddenly catapulted into the air in her direction. She instinctively crouched and threw her hands up to cover her face to protect herself. The mug missed her head by a few inches, whizzing just to her left to crash against the wall, the pens falling in a series of sharp clangs against the floor. She stared between them, the broken pieces of porcelain, and his raging face in disbelief. She couldn't process what had just happened. Even if she had expected him to hurt her, it was too much to comprehend.
Jason, meanwhile, just shook his head and laughed at her as she slumped against the wall, sliding clumsily to the floor. "I'll talk to you tomorrow when you're back from being such a stupid bitch," he called, before turning on his heels and leaving her alone in the room.
She couldn't breathe. She was immobile in a heap against the wall, except for her fingers digging deeper into her skin. She pushed with all her might, desperate to draw blood. Her whole body raged from the indignation and humiliation and she just wanted all those horrible feelings gone, erased. When she felt the dense wet liquid begin to bubble against her nails, she finally felt relief and burst into a wail. The tears fell like a rush of pouring rain and she moved her nails down to search for another spot to break skin.
It was at that moment she heard the door fly open and there Jughead was, kneeling beside her and trying to pry open her hands. "Betty," he nearly shouted, urgently. "Stop, come on please stop."
She unclenched her hands to him, the tears falling even harder. "Fuck," he muttered, taking in the mess of cuts and the blood dribbling over her hands. She could barely see him through her jumble of tears, but she noticed a burgundy blur lifting off his head. Soon the feel of a soft cotton t-shirt was against her hands as he tried to staunch the bleeding. He wrapped the shirt tighter against her hands like a tourniquet, and her head fell down against him, her forehead meeting the bare skin of his chest just above his heart.
"He…he…" she tried to explain, but the words were all twisted and she just sobbed, her entire body shaking as he wrapped both arms around her trying to calm her. He drew her closer to him, rubbing his hands over the pink sweater covering her shivering arms.
"It's okay," he said, softly. "It's okay. I heard what he said. I waited after I saw him come in. I was concerned." He paused before adding, half to himself, "He's a piece of shit."
The fact he'd worried about her and had stayed behind to make sure she would be alright only made her cry harder and want more of him. She lifted her head and with her mouth groped until she came into contact with his. She kissed him, his taste semi-obscured by the saltwater still running down her cheeks, so she just pressed harder. She could feel his lips trying at first to break away, but the two of them were like magnets, unable to separate, until finally neither could breathe from the desperation of their embrace.
"Betty, please…" he said, his panting heavily against her mouth. "Don't."
"Don't you want me?" she pleaded, moving her mouth to his neck and sucking in desperately against his pulse point.
He moaned, but immediately drew up his hands to her face to stop her movements and bring her eyes to look into his. "Oh, jeez, of course I want you. I'll always want you. But not like this, Betty. You need help. Please. You can't do this to yourself anymore. You can't let him do this anymore. Please."
His words were so serious, so filled with concern for her, they hit Betty like a strike of lightning, penetrating something deep inside her, that she let herself succumb to the pain she had tried for so long to run from. It hit her like a ton of bricks. What was she doing to herself? She couldn't go on like this, letting herself be abused by Jason and then hurting herself, and Jughead, in return. It wasn't okay. She wasn't okay. Her sudden clarity overwhelming her, she leaned into Jughead again, willing him to hold her deeper. His arms tightened and she buried her head in the crook of his neck, whispering, "I'm sorry," over and over, as he rocked her slowly.
They were so overcome that neither heard Kevin shouting her name and approaching from the hallway. "Hello…Betty," he called again from the doorway, stopping in shock when he saw the two of them wrapped up in each other, Jughead shirtless and Betty a tearstained mess with a blood-streaked t-shirt wrapped around her hands.
Hearing Kevin, Jughead released her instantaneously and sprang backward as if he'd been burnt. "Shit," he muttered to himself, grabbing his sweater from the floor and struggling back into it.
"What's going on?" Kevin asked, his voice more troubled than suspicious.
Jughead held up his hands as if trying to wash them of the situation. "I can't do this," he said, his words directed to no one and nothing in particular. He turned to Kevin. "You need to take care of her. She needs help. Please."
"Of course," Kevin said, still clearly processing, but also unreservedly willing to help his friend whatever the situation was.
Jughead nodded and started walking wordlessly to the door.
"Jug, your t-shirt," Betty called weakly, still dazed. She held her still wrapped hands up slightly, willing him to come back, to touch her just one more time.
He turned back from the doorway, his face a tortured mix of emotions and his eyes misty. "Keep it," he said, his voice cracking, before hurrying out the door.
A little over a half an hour later, Betty sat on a stool above the island in Kevin's kitchen. He brought her a warm cup of cocoa and the first aid kit. She held the mug with one hand, letting him place antiseptic on her other, and vice versa. The cuts she'd inflicted buzzed angrily as he dressed them and for once the pain didn't bring relief, but a dull, sad ache.
She smiled weakly, but gratefully,when he'd finished. "Thank you for taking care of me."
He smiled back at her. "What are friends for?" She nodded and took a small sip of her cocoa. "Can you tell me what's going on?" he asked, his voice curious, but trying not to push too hard.
Betty sighed. It was inevitable he'd ask. And it was inevitable she'd have to answer. He'd seen enough to form some sort of idea about what had happened. And truthfully, what did she have to hide anymore? Her life was so fucked up at the moment that she might as well tear it all down. Go full dark, no stars. "Things with Jason aren't…good," she said, ready to be open about it, but still struggling to put it into words.
"For how long?" Kevin asked.
"For a long time," she admitted, letting out a breath. It was something of a relief to divulge the truth. "He tears me down a lot. Not in public, but…it's frequent."
"So today, after what happened at lunch, he didn't come to apologize, did he?" Kevin said, guessing correctly.
Betty shook her head. "No. He came to yell at me. To punish me." She shuddered, replaying the scene in her head.
"But he's not the reason for the cuts on your hand?" Kevin said softly.
Betty closed her eyes as she answered. "No. I did that myself. After he attacked me. He boxed me into the wall and then when I didn't apologize well enough, he threw a mug at me." She opened her eyes to see Kevin frowning in horror, and she looked away as she relayed the next part. "After he left, I…cut myself…I do it sometimes…when everything gets to be too much."
Kevin's eyes widened, in both shock and sadness. She could tell he felt disappointment he had been so unaware of what was going on with one of his best friends. She hoped he wasn't angry with her. "And Jughead?" he asked haltingly.
"I guess he stayed behind in the hallway when he saw Jason come in. He was worried after what happened at lunch."
"And why would he do that?" Kevin asked, a knowing lilt in his voice.
"We've been sleeping together for a couple of months," she let out in a rushed breath, and Kevin nearly exploded in disbelief and giddiness.
"What?" he nearly yelled. He started pacing the floor of his kitchen in shock. "I thought maybe you'd been flirting, because it's been obvious at meetings that he's into you, but sleeping together for a couple of months, Betty? And you didn't tell anyone? Wow…I mean…wow, but get it girl." He started laughing and something about the absurdity of the moment made Betty relax and giggle too.
"So you don't think I'm a horrible person?" Betty asked self-consciously, after their laughing started to subside.
Kevin cocked his head at her and appraised her seriously. "Do I think it's the most ideal way to have handled what was going on with you? No, probably not. But I get it. What you're saying about Jason is really disturbing and I can see why you turned to affection elsewhere." Betty nodded and Kevin continued, his expression turning lighter. "And can we please we take a minute, Betty, to discuss how fine as fuck that boy is. Shirtless, oh my God. I nearly died. Please tell me the sex is amazing."
"It was," she answered, her face falling, thinking of it in past tense.
"Was?" Kevin asked pointedly.
"Over winter break, he ended things. He didn't want to hide anymore. He wanted to be with me out in the open. But I just couldn't…I don't know. I was scared. Scared of Jason, scared of my parents. I guess scared of what everyone at school would think. It's so pathetic, because I…I want…" she let the words trail off, still afraid of saying them out loud.
"Oh Betty," he said, coming over to hold the back of her hand as she started to tear up again. "Your friends will support you no matter what. We love you. You need to talk to Archie and Veronica as well. And even aside from Jughead, you can't stay with Jason. He's not a good guy. I'm sorry I didn't see it before, but I do now. How you've been so inside yourself for months, like a light is broken. And I don't ever want to see you again like I saw you tonight. Or for you to hurt yourself again. It scared the shit out of me. Please, think about it."
Betty reached out to hug him. "Thank you. I'm so sorry I haven't been honest with you, Kev."
"It's okay," he said, squeezing her hand. "But I think you should take a mental health day tomorrow. Stay here tonight. We'll tell your parents we're working on a project, and you can just sleep."
"That sounds good," she admitted, feeling so exhausted. She normally would never agree to miss school if she weren't physically incapable of getting out of bed, but she knew her body and soul needed a day away from everything.
"I'm going to text Archie and Veronica and tell them to meet us after school tomorrow at Pop's. I really think you should talk to them. At least about Jason. Is that okay?"
She nodded, overcome. The fear was still present, but she finally felt like she couldn't run from it anymore. Jughead was right. She needed help. She needed to do this for herself. Or else she'd never find her way back to herself.
