Severus was in the library, which was not surprising as it was his favourite place in the school. He had all his homework done so he was now doing some reading of his own interest. He felt movement on the table and looked up to meet grey eyes and a smile he never thought would be directed at him until recently.
- Boy, are you a masochist. No-one is here in the middle of the weekend. - Sirius said with a joking smile.
- That your brain can barely keep up with school is nothing extraordinary but some of us do tend to use it outside of class, you should try it sometime, I'm sure you even have cobwebs from the little use you make of it. - countered the posionist.
Sirius rolled his eyes. - Ha ha. Just so you know, I do use it, and quite a lot, but without torturing it like you do. Anyway, I was coming to free you from confinement, princess. You look so pale that you're about to be mistaken for one of the ghosts of the castle.
- I don't know, I think it's better to stay in the castle tower than risk getting fleas from you, you mutt.
- That was only once and just so you know I don't haunt that Diagon Alley anymore.
The Slytherin couldn't help himself and let out a chuckle as he remembered the day the Gryffindor had arrived with fleas gone mad and all that the marauders had had to do with Lily's and his help in order to rid the dark-eyed boy of his martyrdom. Even throwing a whole jug of orange juice at him because Peter had heard something about citrus working on fleas from his grandmother. The dark-eyed boy watched the other boy, analysing how much he had changed in the last few months since they had settled their differences over Lily Evans' stubbornness.
Severus looked so different laughing, it definitely suited him. His hair although still somewhat unkempt was no longer greasy, his skin although extremely pale no longer had those sickly tones and he now had some flesh between his bones and skin. It was impossible not to eat with three mother hen's all over him watching all the time that he didn't skip meals and making sure he leaves his plates empty. Now that he noticed, he even had a certain rosy hue to his cheeks that made him look more innocent and even cuter. Sirius watched him for a long moment helplessly until, as usual, he spoke his mind without further ado.
-You look beautiful.
Severus suddenly stopped laughing and his face became completely serious and then he frowned. Without a word he began to gather up his things quickly and threw them into his bag without a care. The change disconcerted the gray-eyed boy who quickly stood up as soon as he saw the other one do the same with the intention of leaving the place.
- Hey. What happened? - he asked as he followed the other without receiving any answer.
- Did something happen to you? - he asked again with a frown, not understanding the other's sudden change.
- I thought we were past this stupid teasing but I guess I was wrong. - Finally answer Severus.
- What? Teasing? What the hell are you talking about?
- Don't play dumb. I know exactly what I look like, there's no need to rub it in with your taunts. - growled the posionist, glaring at the other and then quickening his pace and hurrying away from the place.
Sirius was stunned and didn't understand anything. He sighed in frustration and decided to return to the others. Once he reached the garden with his thoughts running wild he plopped down on the grass next to his best friend who was chatting pleasantly with his girlfriend, the redhead instantly noticed his arrival and the absence of the other member of his circle. Concerned by the other's expression, she quickly questioned him.
- I thought you went to look for Sev? Did something happen?
- Did it? I think... I don't know. I honestly don't know, one minute we were joking and the next minute he seemed to hate me.
- Did you pranked him? - asked the redhead annoyed
- No! I promised I wouldn't and I don't plan on ever doing it again, we were just you know chatting like we usually do teasing a little and he was even laughing and out of nowhere he got up and walked away angry.
- What was the last thing you said to him? - asked Lily concerned.
- That's the weirdest thing... I gave him a compliment. I told him he looked beautiful and...- The redhead interrupted the other with a choked exclamation and a grim expression.
- That explains it...
- Explains what Lils? - asked the boy with glasses this time, as confused as the others who were watching the redhead and didn't understand her reaction.
- This is a very delicate topic... It's happened between us a couple of times before. He... Severus always grew up with his father's words and the other children didn't help... - The boys frowned and clenched their fists at the mention of the Slytherin's father, they didn't know all that he had done to the black-haired boy but they did have an idea of how terrible the man could be after seeing some of the wounds he had inflicted on the Slytherin.
- His father has always said horrible things to him and I suppose it's inevitable that after a certain amount of time of hearing them so often they stick with you... And well for a long time Sev neglected his appearance causing others to tease him about it, but there's a huge difference between being unkempt and being... ugly.
The redhead looked down at her hands remembering the first fight she had had with her best friend just for that same reason when she had told him that he had nice features and just needed a little grooming to improve his appearance. The black-haired boy had quickly snapped, saying that he didn't need her pity. Lily had been just as shocked as the gray-eyed boy was now and didn't understand the other until he had told her that he knew he was ugly and nothing would change it so it didn't matter if he "took care of himself" or not as he would still be a freak just like his father always said.
- He really thinks he's ugly and after his nose got crooked from the times his father hurt him it made his view of himself even worse. I tried a couple of times to change his mind but to no avail, he really can't even consider that what he heard from a very young age is wrong.
- I suppose at the time we didn't help matters by making fun of his appearance... - Sirius muttered with regret, to which the redhead nodded.
- I don't know if there's any way to make him change his view of himself. For now, just be careful with that subject, it's very sensitive for him. I know you didn't mean to and I forgot to mention it.
- But that's not... That's wrong! He shouldn't believe the words of the bastard who has made his life miserable! - answered the Gryffindor furiously.
- As I said it wasn't just that, because of his situation at home and the awful neglect his parents had for him the other kids around him also made fun of him cementing that terrible idea. And even here at the beginning...
Everyone was silent, each with their own guilt. Sirius at that moment vowed that no matter how long it took or how hard it was he would make the other change his mind, he would make him understand how beautiful he was. James decided that he would try even harder to get closer to the Slytherin, not only for his girlfriend's sake but because he could really see how wrong they had been and felt the need to fix the damage that their past actions had caused. Remus swore that this time he would do something and not let anyone ever hurt the posionist again. Peter understood the other boy better than the others, having been teased himself for being overweight and wanted to help. Lily decided that she would never abandon her friend no matter what and would always be there for him.Severus closed the door to his room. Luckily his only roommate was out and wouldn't be back until the evening. He closed his eyes and let them finally fall, letting the tears he had held back until that moment fall and sobbing. He dragged himself to the bathroom and stared at his reflection in the mirror. ~Ugly, freak, stupid, horrible, monster, useless, waste, bitch, weak, crybaby, failure, nuisance, good for nothing ~ over and over again they repeated in his head like a recording he couldn't stop.
There was nothing to be done, it would always be like that and there was no way to change it. Sometimes he wondered why he kept getting up every morning. He hated the looks of others and he knew he would never achieve anything in life, he hated the way everything looked on him, he was horrible from head to toe there wasn't an inch of him that was worth anything. His skin was full of marks and wounds always getting new ones, usually from his father, sometimes from bullies and others... Others were from his own hand.
On his back, abdomen, arms, legs and face he bore marks from his father's abuse. A couple on his back and arms were from school bullying. Lastly, those on his thighs and a couple on his forearm and abdomen were his own. The ones on his forearm were fortunately not too visible anymore, he had started there but quickly realised what a bad idea it was as it was a somewhat visible place and people already looked at him funny for wearing such baggy clothes, they would be worse having to wear long sleeves in summer. He continued on his abdomen but even though it hurt he didn't feel it enough and so he went down a little more to his thighs, the perfect place, there was no way for anyone to ever see his thighs, even if he ever wore shorts they could be knee length and that would be enough for the marks to not be seen without any problem as they only went half way down his thighs.
He walked back to the room and opened his trunk, moving things around until he reached the bottom of it and pulled out an old wooden box, his faithful companion. He undid the spells he had to open it and took out the objects inside. He hadn't opened it for a couple of weeks, he thought. He took off his trousers, leaving him in his underwear, and pulled up the fabric, revealing a series of cuts that covered the skin, one on top of the other, already healed. He took the knife and with the utmost precision made one cut, then another, then another, then another, and then the same on the other leg. He watched mesmerised as the drops of blood from each cut slid down his legs and onto the bed.
Little crimson rivers that magically managed to silence, at least for the moment, the dark voice that always reminded him of his failures. He let them flow for a long time watching a small puddle form on the sheet until he began to feel a little dizzy. That was the signal to stop otherwise he risked losing strength and then eventually consciousness. He took the bottle of brown liquid, he had always preferred Muggle disinfectant over magic for this because it left a painful sensation that reminded him how much he deserved it.
After cleaning the cuts he took the last object of the box, a pair of rolled up bandages. With which he began to cover his legs to prevent further bleeding and staining of his clothes, then he redressed. He muttered a spell to wipe away all traces of blood and put everything back in the box so that he could put the spells back in and put it back in the bottom of the trunk. For at least a little while he would have peace. He flopped down on the bed and succumbed to exhaustion.
