I know we have a complicated story but good things are never easy and I admit that most of our bad experiences have been my fault. If only I had given you a chance when we met, instead I created this stupid war between the two of us, I know everything would have being so different. There are many things I regret and that's the one that haunts me the most.
I turn my face and look at you, sleeping next to me after one of those bad nights that so often torment you, I can still see the traces of tears on your cheeks and a reddish hue around your eyes. The guilt runs through me as I remember you desperately crying, knowing that many of your tears have fallen because of me. I promise myself over and over again that no one will ever hurt you again and it's something I intend to keep no matter what it takes, I've done enough damage myself because of my stupid ego and my prejudices.
I know very well that a lifetime will not be enough for me to pay for the damage I caused you but having obtained your forgiveness even without deserving it makes me strive every day to make you smile, to try to mend my mistakes. I know it's still hard for you to trust me and I don't blame you, I know it's not easy to put aside the past and forgive.
It's so hard to see you despise your own achievements, to feel that hatred you have for yourself. Even when I try to show you how beautiful and perfect you are you still won't believe me. I see it in your eyes and I know perfectly well why you don't believe it even though I repeat it every day, you heard too many times the opposite even from me and you won't forget that so easily. I understand, I wish I could erase my words from the past but I can't and it kills me. If I could change the way that you see yourself, if only you could see yourself through my eyes you wouldn't feel that uncertainty, the constant fear of not being good enough, the aversion to the slightest mistake. I feel like hugging you every time I see the shame that fills you when you receive a compliment you think you don't deserve.
How long has it been since that happened? Sometimes I have nightmares about it too, how close I came to losing you, I can't let it happen again, ever. I hate to think that we had to go through that for me to change, I should have seen how much you were suffering, how hurt you were so long before. I stroke your cheek softly as I wish I could do more, show you how strong you are and how much potential you have, how perfect and captivating your smile is, how much you deserve to be happy...
I hold you tightly in my arms, I couldn't live without you anymore, I know I'm selfish but I need you, you're everything I ever wanted and maybe I'll never deserve you, but I'll try my best to earn it. Having you here by itself is a great victory for me, I still don't know how I managed to convince you but I'm glad I did it. Maybe one day we will be really happy as a family, I know I will fight to achieve it, I will erase the scars from your heart and change your tears for smiles, I will erase your nightmares and fill you with nice dreams, full of love, I will change the image you have of you for the one I see.
I hear a sigh and you open your eyes, those beautiful onyx eyes, for a moment I feel terrified, they look empty and lifeless but it's barely a moment, seconds later you seem to notice your surroundings and finally, although with some reserve, you look at me. It takes you a moment but in the end some brightness returns to your gaze, it hurts me to know that you still carry heaviness and sadness but at least between those emotions I notice something, it's small, barely a glimmer that could easily be lost but it's there, hope. I won't let you down.
I take your hand and kiss it lovingly trying to transmit all my love to you and I know it will still take time but I hope eventually you will reciprocate. You give me a shy smile, just a slight movement of your lips that only lasts a few seconds but still makes me feel the luckiest for having received it, I move a little closer and gently so as not to scare you I kiss your forehead. I want to stay here forever with you in my arms but we still have so much to do and I know I must keep a slow pace with you. I lean close to your ear and whisper, "As long as I'm here no one can hurt you." If I could change the way that you see yourself...