Welcome! May I offer you your weekly dose of silly Merthur?
Time to find out what happens to Gwaine! Enjoy!
Chapter 4
The whole company followed Arthur over the overgrown dry road – it was a mystery how the man could track barefoot footsteps on this terrain – until they suddenly veered off onto a thin wildlife trail that disappeared into the thick overgrowth. This was apparently an easier track to follow because Arthur's pace picked up, and soon they saw the wisp of cream of Gwaine's dress disappear behind a bush.
"Gwaine! Gwaine!"
Percival ran up to him and grabbed him by the shoulder. Merlin wanted to hit the big oaf on the head for his stupidity – what if they broke the spell that was leading Gwaine to wherever the magic user was? This was the whole point of Gwaine being bait – they had to let the spell run its course first.
Gwaine twisted his shoulder out of Percival's grip and continued on as if he'd never heard or seen him. "See, that's what I was talking about. He has been enchanted, Sire," Percival said once they'd joined him.
"We know, Sir Percival. Let's keep our distance so that we can find whoever is doing this. Knights, extinguish the torches. Let's stay quiet," Arthur said. From then on they crept on in the dark, keeping low and darting from tree to bush, never loosing sight of the faint distant outline of Gwaine's dress.
Until all of a sudden, he vanished.
They ran up to the spot they last saw him, and Gwaine was nowhere to be found. There weren't any bushes or rocks to hide behind, no holes in the ground he could have disappeared in. In other words, magic was the culprit.
"I can feel something," Merlin said, hand outstretched in front of him. It was like lightning in the air, heavy with energy, but it wasn't physical. A barrier and concealment spell both, and he had no idea how to undo it. He needed books. No, he needed Gaius. Why did Merlin have to be the expert on magic around here? He wasn't an expert! He barely knew anything!
"Well, what is it? What do you feel?"
"Shhh, let me think." He couldn't exactly tell Arthur he had no clue what to do. After all, transforming Gwaine into bait had been his idea—
Oh. Of course! Gwaine had gone through, either because he was a woman, or because he had been enchanted – but he'd been enchanted because he was a woman. Ergo, all Merlin had to do was be a woman. Easy. He closed his eyes, firmly concentrated on his body and said the incantation.
He heard the knights gasp, and Arthur groaned and said "this is my worst nightmare," and then Merlin's ears were filled with song.
A man's voice, not really in tune, repeated the same sequence over and over. It tried to pull him somewhere, but Merlin didn't want to go, thank you very much. He focused on Arthur's face. The king's mouth was moving, but no sound was coming out. Or more likely, Arthur was yelling at him but he couldn't hear because this awful song filled his ears to the brim.
Merlin turned back to the barrier, only to find the barrier gone. Or rather, he could see beyond it, the road that led up to a shed and the movement around it. Merlin put his hand where the barrier should be, and he could still feel it. Better yet, he felt like he could pull on it, hammer it, and maybe then the awful music would stop.
So he did just that. Given the face Arthur made, he could now see the hut too. And given the way the dancing around the fire paused awkwardly before it resumed, the maker of the barrier noticed it was gone. Still, the music went on. It was going to drive Merlin mad real quick. The second he found whoever was doing this he was going to strangle the poor bastard until he got rid of this very distasteful spell—
"Who are you?" cut across the song. The same voice, but louder, without the singsong tone. Merlin looked around for the source of the voice, but no one appeared out of thin air to greet them. Still up at the half-crumbling shed, then. Coward.
"I'm going to kill that bastard," Merlin muttered and started to stomp up the hill. A hand landed on his shoulder, and he almost blasted the owner's face to bits before realising it was Arthur. Merlin still couldn't understand him, but he got the gist of it anyway. "I can't hear you because of the spell in the air, but I'm sure the guy singing it is up there so let's go."
Arthur signalled his knights, and they rushed up the hill towards the hut. The dancing circle of fifteen or so woman split up and danced towards them instead, blocking their path and grabbing onto the knights as if inviting them to dance. At least half of the knights were caught that way, especially since their gallantry was stopping them from pushing their way through.
Arthur at least was slick as an eel – he had much experience evading dancing partners in court. And even when a woman managed to latch onto his arm he unlatched her with a push so gentle it only made her stumble.
Merlin had much more trouble getting to the shed, but the bubble of magic he put around himself after the third woman flung an arm around his neck and nearly choked him helped. In the end, only him, Arthur and Leon reached the hut unscathed.
Arthur kicked down the door without ceremony and in two steps had caught the shirt of the dishevelled barrel-like man trying and failing miserably to escape through the window. After the man had been dragged out to the fire outside and flung down on the ground, Arthur pulled out his sword and pointed it at the man.
"Stop the spell," Merlin ordered before Arthur could speak. Arthur was glaring at him now, he could feel it, but Merlin didn't take his eyes off the large, filthy, pockmarked man. "Stop it now or I swear—" Merlin made his magic flow around him, which he knew would make his eyes glow gold. The man paled even more.
"Yes, all right, just, uhm—" He got onto all fours and, hands trembling, drew symbols in the dirt. Then he said a flow of words Merlin had never heard before, and it was like a bubble burst and the forest was back to it's nightly glory. All around them women gasped, and the air filled with 'where am I' and 'what happened' and 'oh gods!'. The woman closest to them took a good look at the magic user and gagged. Another started sobbing.
"What did you do to them?" Arthur asked, his voice deceptively even. In other words, the point of his sword was a mere second away from being thrust into that wobbly throat.
"Oh, uhm, I, uhm—"
"Answer me, damn you!"
"I just made them walk up here, that's all!"
"That's not all," Merlin spat, and the man scrambled back as if he was afraid Merlin would set him on fire. Which, in truth, wasn't as far removed from reality as it might seem.
"No, that's not all," the man admitted. "I made them stay. And dance. And— And— K-kiss me, but that's all, I swear!" A tidal wave of silence flooded the hill and the man stood up as if to plead his case.
"Sit. Back. Down," Arthur growled, and the magic user's knees collapsed.
"I swear that's all. I swear. I'm just so lonely. No woman ever looks at me. I mean, can you blame them, look at me. But I just wanted to experience what you pretty lot have. I just wanted to have women around me for once without them looking like they'd just walked in cow dung. You get that, right? My lady?"
The man was looking at Merlin, and it took Merlin a good second to understand the 'lady' was him. With a frustrated sigh he transformed himself back and stared the man down. The man who was now gaping at him like he'd seen the sun rise in the West.
"How did you do that?" he asked, eyes wide.
"Wait your turn, sorcerer. I've been wanting to ask that way before you," Arthur said, waving his sword about for emphasis.
"Can you teach me? Can you make me handsome?" the man continued, completely ignoring the King of Camelot. A grave mistake.
Arthur changed his grip on his sword. "You won't have to worry about being ugly or not, sorcerer," he said darkly. His sword rose. "Not when you're missing a head!"
Merlin really wanted to just let it happen, because this man was horrible and lacked any sense of morals, but for his 'making magic not so illegal' plan to work he had to intervene.
The sword swung right at the condemned's throat, and Merlin stopped it mid-air with a flick of his wrist. "Arthur, no!"
"Are you kidding me?"
Merlin could feel Arthur push and pull at his sword, but it wouldn't budge. With a sigh he let it go, and it hung in mid-air, inches away from the man's throat. Merlin left it there as a deterrent.
Arthur crossed his arms and turned to Merlin. "Again? He enchanted Gwaine! And all these other women! You can't tell me he isn't a sorcerer!"
"Well, Sire, he enchanted these women because he's an enchanter. He enchants. That's what he does."
"Sorcerers enchant too! Or have you forgotten about—"
"No, sorcerers curse. They don't enchant. There's a difference." Gods, Merlin really had become way too proficient at lying.
"And how would you know that, Merlin?"
"Warlock, remember? Why wouldn't I know?"
"Gaaah!" Arthur threw his hands up in the air and turned around. He breathed heavily for a few seconds before whirling around again and striding towards Merlin until their faces were a mere hands-width apart. Merlin gulped.
"You," Arthur spat, punctuating his word with a stab on his finger on Merlin's sternum. Why did that make Merlin feel warm all of a sudden? Sternum poking wasn't supposed to make your heart beat faster. Boy, he got it bad, didn't he?
"You are siding with the sorcerer." Arthur whirled away again and missed the utter indignation on Merlin's face. As if he'd side with that creep who thinks it's all right to enchant whoever strikes his fancy. Before Merlin could protest Arthur started on what could only be an epic rant.
"What was I thinking? Of course you would side with the sorcerers! You're one of them! For all I know you've enchanted me for years and— Oh. Of course. Yes, oh, that's very clever. That was your plan all along! To enchant me, wait until I was king, and then take control of the land by nagging me into doing your will—"
Merlin had no words. All he could do was gape while his heart was stabbed to death. Luckily for him, Gwaine rarely took Arthur's – or anyone's – words to heart and so acted swiftly. As in, he walked over, still barefoot with swishing skirts, and quite simply cuffed Arthur on the head. That certainly stopped the king mid-rant.
"What—"
"Stop right there before you say something even more stupid." Being a woman finally lend some weight to his words – Gwaine managed to look frighteningly serious and seriously frightening both. "Merlin has always been on your side, Arthur. He already had magic before coming to Camelot, and despite the risks has never left you. If I'd been him, I wouldn't have stayed a day in your service. Merlin has been protecting you for years knowing he could be burnt alive for saving your life, but it has never stopped him. And you dare accuse him of taking advantage of you when you've been the one taking advantage of him?"
Gwaine didn't look nearly finished, so Merlin quickly stopped him with a hand on his arm. "Thank you, Gwaine. I think I can take it from here."
Gwaine's eyes widened. "Oh. I didn't mean to— Of course you can defend yourself. It's just— Arthur was being such an idiot." Gwaine scratched his head in a very Gwaine-like manner, and it looked utterly strange on his female form. "I'm used to you being Merlin the servant. Old habits die hard, I guess."
"You could say that."
They both glanced at Arthur. "What?" Arthur said.
"What?" Merlin repeated in his most disbelieving tone. "Let's take it from the top. Yes, I am a magic user, but no, I don't side with anyone who is clearly wrong," Merlin glanced at the 'enchanter' who hadn't budged, still looking cross-eyed at the sword hovering at his throat. "I've always been on your side, Arthur. Of course that doesn't mean I haven't disagreed with you on many things, but as you well know, I don't hesitate to tell you when you're a clodpole. And obviously, I haven't enchanted you. If I had, you wouldn't be a clodpole, for starters—"
"Stop insulting your king—"
"—and the second you became king, wouldn't I have enacted whatever evil plan you think I've been concocting for years? Seriously, Arthur, do you even listen to yourself?"
"Well if you haven't enchanted me how do you explain—" Arthur cut himself short.
Merlin frowned when the silence stretched. "Explain what?"
"How do you explain—" Arthur started again, and stopped again.
Now Merlin was getting concerned. If Arthur thought he had been enchanted, but he couldn't speak of it, then perhaps he had indeed been enchanted and Merlin had missed it.
"Never mind," Arthur said quickly, but Merlin didn't miss the clear panic in his eyes.
"Arthur, I'm not the one who enchanted you. How long ago did this enchantment start? What are the effects of the enchantment? You must have notice some, since you've realised you're enchanted. Maybe it's wearing off? But if you can't speak of it then it's still there and the caster still has control over it and—"
A heavy gloved hand landed on Merlin's shoulder. "Merlin," Leon said, his voice hiding a smile that Merlin could not explain. "Arthur hasn't been enchanted." Now the smile was actually written on Leon's face.
"How would you know? Sir Leon, I'm the expert here."
"Expert in magic, perhaps. But not in this particular type of idiocy."
"What Leon is saying is that Arthur is being a blind fool," Gwaine added. He was also smiling.
Merlin scrutinised Arthur's face then. Arthur was beet red and gaping, and it took him a good few seconds to find his voice. "They're, uhm. They are right. For once. I… am mistaken. It isn't an enchantment."
Gwaine slung his arm over Arthur's neck, the angle very awkward because of the current height difference. "He's just being his idiotic self, Merlin. Don't mind him."
Arthur didn't even try to shake Gwaine off. He just stood there, neck titled under the weight, eyes closed, as if praying for this conversation to be over. Merlin narrowed his eyes. There was something fishy going on, and Gwaine and Leon seemed to be in on it.
"Excuse me?" came a voice from near the ground. Right, that horrible man, that's why they were here in the first place. "Are you going to behead me or not? Because if you're not, I'd really like to go pee."
That seemed to put Arthur back to rights. "Yes, Merlin. Are we going to behead him or not, oh great warlock?"
"As much as it pains me… No, Arthur, he's not a sorcerer, and he's a citizen of your realm. Justice should apply to him like it does to anyone else."
Arthur sighed. "A trial it is. Percival, Gwaine, you're in charge of the prisoner. My ladies, let's bring you home."
Another terrible magic-user that Arthur is confronted with. That's what happens when you're literally law and order, I guess... And Merlin, still managing not to let Arthur have his way. I don't think I'd have had the will to save the 'enchanter' if I'd been in his shoes! What a creep!
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