Raindrops washed away all the scars.
Se'Li was buried on the hill outside of town, nourishing maybe another sickle swept tree one day.
It has been five days.
Naofumi, Filo and I had a picnic yesterday.
It was nice.
The spot in the horizon I had been staring at was bobbing naturally before the soft blue sky. It shifted forward, slumping in the middle before the easygoing wave disappeared into the crystal clear water. Foam rose up and collapsed on the shoreline, the saltiness was evident in the air and tainted my tongue and nose with every deep inhale and exhale. It seemed warm in the sunlight, despite the otherwise temperate atmosphere that swirled around me and licked cool winds over my arms, neck and legs. It almost made me regret choosing only my high boots to compliment my skirt as the breeze pulled the fabric forward. Forming it gently to my front before lazily sailing away.
A rather soothing consistency that lended its relaxing draw to the inside of my head as the memories of the last couple days repeated an endless recollection. Killing the raiders, crying into Naofumi then a long night of cleaning followed by a nearly sleepless evening. One could've been tossing and turning with an endless wash of guilty feelings choking into your throat.
As it was happening to me.
I think it had been an hour into that restless evening, Filo asleep and snoring off in her little corner, when Naofumi had come to my bedside. He couldn't sleep as well… and had been watching me tossing and turning for the better part of the evening.
"It's like that first night in the inn…" He had remarked over me, running a hand over my ears while he tried to turn the overall mood of everything. He still smelt like smoke and blood, even having changed from tainted clothes and being speckled with rain as it dowsed our surroundings. It was staining him as much as it stained me.
"Please…" I recall whimpering it out despite a broken smile on my features, he wasn't wrong in comparing it to the first night at the inn, tossing and turning. Nightmares seemed to be in my future if I was ever able to sleep.
"Alright… alright, I won't bring it up." He had thought I'd been talking about the embarrassing moment from so very long ago. He was chuckling but it wasn't a happy one, it was fake. An effort to calm me down, I don't know if he realized how useless that was, even though he most likely did since it didn't go beyond anything more than a chuckle. He softened his breathing when I grabbed at his clothes though, my left hand was firmly stuck on the side of his pants while my right curled a fist in the front of his shirt. A white-knuckled grip that only told him how much I needed him to be right here with me.
"Don't leave…" I remember saying, I can't recall what Naofumi had said in turn. That quiet, whimpering plea that was just echoing from a broken voice.
I like to think he followed that by promising me, in the quiet of the tent, once again. That he wouldn't, that he would be there when I woke up, I was so overwhelmed that I'm more than sure that I missed the exact words. He could've said anything, as long as he was still there holding me; it was enough.
I assume as much because I awoke the next day clutching onto him, the tight grip on his clothes so very much removed from the loving embrace of the previous forms from just hours prior. I woke up without the nightmares, blood and smoke still in my nose as I was laid there beside him. His hand was easy on my back, digits smoothed along the space between my shoulder blades.
But I smelled his sickly charcoal smell, clutched him tightly to spite the iron speckled scent of blood. Despite the memories I had that feeling of him, his chest, the even swell of his torso when he breathed and the echoing rumble of his tone. Then his heart, powerful and.. calming, drumming blood throughout his body. Of course he would stay with me.
Comfort me throughout the night while I was sure that even with him tightly bound to me I trembled and jerked.
It was a new sensation… I had slept with him long ago, at least what felt like a long time ago but in reality wasn't. But the new feelings of waking up in the arms of someone you could trust implicitly, someone who… needed you as much as you needed them.
Staring at the horizon now, with that memory playing itself made me breathe out softly at the sight, saltiness and a memory of smoke on my tongue.
"Raph?" His voice carried down and delightfully curved in on the shape of my ear. Causing it to flicker in return, it was obvious I had heard him so there wasn't a need to follow up immediately. I stayed there for a moment and continued to stare at the water as it dipped and swirled and pushed out towards the shore.
I suddenly felt nauseous at the sight, and I blinked my gaze at the soil beneath me, gently shifting the weight on my boots. Sinking the left side of my left foot deeper into the grassy covering, I pushed my boot out to feel the subtle pull of grass and earth against me.
"Yes?" I responded, turning my head away from the feeling and to my right hand side. Finding him standing just a bit behind me dressed in his armor with that stone sitting centerpiece with all its disgusting aura. I didn't look right at him, just at the space of his neck above the opening of his armor, it rolled up as he opened his mouth to speak but immediately came back down when he shut it. "Is something the matter?" I asked, switching my gaze up to meet his eyes, they were a mixed calm-concern that was very typical of his latest line of expression. How I missed it when he stared at me in disappointment or desire… for however long the latter had lasted between us. Not like there weren't moments when we were close but he was reserved, respecting my space to be sure. But I wish he understood that I just want to forget for a while.
Green eyes filled with calm concern blinked, forgetting his tongue for a moment as he swallowed up whatever phrase wanted to escape him.
"Filo was asking about you." He remarked and I felt my mouth forming a pout with little assistance from me. I don't understand why that was my initial reaction, pursing lips and frustration, a single night of honest confessions didn't override my original feelings it seemed. I felt the muscles in my neck constrict and release over and over for a moment as I considered it. "She was wondering if we were all going to have lunch." The feeling dissipated, shame overtook me shortly there after and I sighed out. Dragging my eyes to the ground with a silent shrug to emphasize my disappointment. Not in the idea but in myself.
"Did she bathe today?" I questioned.
"She most certainly did." His voice was cheerful, removed from the melancholic sensation burning in my chest. I blinked at the ground, confused, shifting to look up at his face to meet a most perplexing smile. He waited until I looked at him and shifted his face ever so slightly to the side, his profile angling off for me to see but the change was so subtle that it was difficult to say there was any going on at all. Nevertheless that subtly made my eyes flick off at the supposed direction, peering on towards the buildings to see the girl in question.
Filo, standing back as Naofumi came to speak with me. She was in human form, hands pulled together and gripping one another somewhat tightly from what I could tell. An anguishing cowlick angrily flowing with the breeze as it beat up the ground.
"Did she send you to ask me?" I watched her for a moment longer, knowing she knew I saw her. Not understanding the need for distance… but understanding it at the same time. It made my tongue heavy and I looked to Naofumi rather than stay in that feeling.
"She most certainly did." He reiterated, his arms crossing his chest as he looked at me with a small grin. It felt tainted somehow, like the pooling acid at the back of your throat right before you get sick.
I want to say yes…
I want to feel like smiling again with no guilt.
Why is it so damn hard!?
I didn't force it, the feeling to smile, instead I pushed myself to move properly. Taking my feet from the ground in a pointed effort to cross the small distance between us. Every step felt heavy and sluggish, I couldn't know how it looked from the outside but no one had remarked before, approaching Naofumi felt somewhat easier than the few days before. I crossed my own arms which Naofumi responded to by uncrossing his.
"I made up some of the fish stew from yesterday's catch, and managed to save a few leftover fish for ourselves." He didn't stop grinning, that non-real one that was trying to help but made my throat constrict uncomfortably.
What if he doesn't even care?
Stop it...
I hissed inside my head, feeling my digits tighten up along the back of the elbows. Sealing the tips of my fingers around the pads as my heart strained to scream anything in his face.
"Might need a whole platter for Filo…" I joked, the voice tempered by a need to appear normal. My feet shifted uncomfortably in the grass and I felt my tail go unusually rigid behind me, constricting over and over as my nerves turned to ice.
"You're probably right, I did make her one of the bigger ones." He chuckled, reaching a hand up to lightly graze his fingertips at his jaw, curling the appendage in as that grin faded for a moment. Gazing down at me, trying to learn something by looking at me with that soft concerned gaze. It made me uneasy and relaxed at the same time, if that kind of sentiment could be understood at all. The rigidness in my tail spread throughout me and I found my body unable to move as I looked at him, eyes boring into one another continuously. He let himself look away first and breathe out, that moment before he would speak, I could sense it so easily. This time I didn't want to cut him off, I wanted him to say something, to acknowledge something.
Did I even know what I wanted that something to be?
"Raphtalia, how have you been feeling?" Of course he would say something that made me want to cry, but for whatever reason my face didn't betray it. Not like he would've seen it with him looking away and all that, throat pulling down as the words bundled together into a ball that suffocated the inside of me with everything that I've ever wanted or could say trapped within a mouth that wouldn't move. Just say something, tell him and everything will be okay again.
Just say something.
I swallowed hard and let my eyes drift from his expression, trying to search for something in me. Gaze tracked down his long hair until they met the sight of his collar, the puffy fur resting around the top of his cape as it lazily brushed around his throat with the suggestion of the wind. The only distinctness from its appearance was the unnatural speckled black traveling up its soft top. It looked dirty, somehow that got me to move, trotting up quickly to his front to Naofumi's surprise. I sensed his eyes face back to me as I closed the distance, standing wholly in his essence as my hand came up to lightly brush off his clothing.
The black flaked and stuck to the skin of my fingers, light and reflective as I took them away from the confines of the feathered accessory. It felt entirely different from ash but it held the same appearance, meaning it had to be metal shavings.
Ash marks you, stains everything, tastes bitter and deadly on the tongue. It'll suffocate you.
These metal flakes don't stain, but as I swirled them between my fingers I could sense the almost nothing protrusions tickling my fingertips.
"You get so filthy… just like Filo." I muttered quietly at my fingertips. Shifting myself so I stood more tall and gently swiped my hand at my leg. Discarding the flakes to their fate.
"What..?" Naofumi followed up, his eyes fluttered for a second in confusion and I just chuckled along.
"Don't worry about it, I am starving though." I smiled up at him and that displeasing face of concern didn't meld away. He just kept staring at me, strangling my throat with his eyes. I didn't face away as I came closer, reaching to palm his chestplate, fingertips grazing the outer shell of the dragon gem before pulling off to his side to draw him back towards the village and Filo. "Best to eat before it gets cold right?"
He didn't speak after me, the overbearing silence following me right on my heels, leading my gaze off towards Filo as she suddenly bounced up at the sight of myself coming around from Naofumi.
"I knew you would say yes Raphtalia!" I flashed her a smile and nodded along to her bubbly voice as the girl ran up quickly to take a spot at my side. She stayed just a foot away but her humming happiness played through her cheek just loud enough to buzz out over the shoreside wash.
A short walk later we all arrived at the main area of the village, a sort of town square in the central stretch between all the growing areas. It was easily the busiest section by far, groups moved and shifted cargo. Building material, food stuffs, assorted mundanities pushed to where they needed to be. This was where we had set up the communal eatery, there were no specialty establishments save for the smithy.
Several people were on break for lunch, workers of all professions sitting at benches and tables with a prepared stew of fish and meat, freshly baked loaves of bread to accompany. The smells that filled this place were almost divine, the intervention of one Hero's talent quite evident from all the satisfied faces eating here.
The day's duties were done, construction was slowed due to Se'Li's death…
But things were returning to normalcy, laughing people, smiling faces. A fresh new start perfectly wrapped over everything.
Naofumi's hand came up behind me, grasping at the back of my bicep just softly enough to get my attention.
"We are set up over here." Then his hand came up to mark the way to a table set up farther away from the bustling center. Along the wall of a building still half completed, the laid stones were already being beaten by the sunlight and you could almost picture time passing on and leaving wearing marks down the stone. I set the pace towards our table and walked just ahead of Naofumi and Filo. Earning a few waves and smiles of my own while we marched on.
Every positive affirmation gnawing on my eyes, making them sting and ache. Heart throbbing in defiance while my face betrayed no special discomfort.
We sat down and I let myself quietly drag my plate towards me, I was closest to the wall, Filo was set up across from me with a larger platter. Naofumi situated himself on my right, he had prepared the table just so while I was off brooding on my own. The realization made something draw tightly in my throat but the feeling soon faded while I inspected the immaculate dish before me.
A whole fish was spread out, its head removed and belly slit and pinned open. Steaming soft meat almost bubbling with pleasant aromas wafting with the heat. Utensils spread to our respective sitting positions as Naofumi carefully watched us as we sat to eat, Filo… had no deference to the chef and with a grinning expression she delved into her meal. Decidedly not transforming to consume the whole thing in a bite, and decidedly not using her fork.
Naofumi seemed to smirk at her enjoyment and in the short seconds following, his eyes flicked over to me. Who had just sat still and observed like him, that gaze making my hand come up over the table to seize my fork and draw closer to the meal with intent before finding myself pausing.
Only for the briefest of moments before I stabbed down and peeled the flesh from the meal. Plopping it onto my tongue and fawning almost as the flavor pooled through my taste buds. Disappearing entirely too quickly as I swallowed it down after chewing. My own expression faced Naofumi and I believe the look I gave was satisfactory for his curiosity. If it were just us I could see him forming a pleased expression but at the moment he forced it away by some unknown desire for stoicism. Regardless, I knew he was quite satisfied with our review.
"It's so delicious, Master!" Filo spoke, mouth full of fish half chewed.
"Ah, Filo, it's impolite to speak with your mouth full!" I reacted instinctively, Naofumi moving on to produce some cups and a pitcher of water. Curious where he had them hidden away as I had not seen where he had that prepared.
"Ah! Right!" Filo replied, chewing aggressively for a moment or two, swallowing, choking momentarily as she was going too quickly. Taking the water Naofumi had poured and offered and drinking the whole cup down it a span of time that seemed full to be bursting. The transformed Filolial queen gasped in as her throat was cleared before talking again. "I said, 'It's so delicious, Master!'" She reiterated, as if having her mouth full prevented us from understanding.
"Thank you, Filo." Naofumi spoke warmly, setting my own water cup in front of me then deftly filling Filo's as she offered it up to him.
"It truly is great, M-… Naofumi." Almost slipped back into old habits as I watched him, his face peaked at me and he let a smile take over now. Filo had continued to eat and I turned back to my own dish, slowly enjoying my meal, dashing away the grumbling feeling that had been chewing away at my insides.
"I'm glad you both like it." He spoke out, getting Filo to nod excitedly at him, catching me mid bite. Fork slipped from my lips as I started to chew again while I nodded at him. He set about his own dish, excited, seemingly to review his own work.
"You look less menacing when you smile, Mister Naofumi." An independent voice stole the scene dragging my attention away from the meal to look towards none other than Keel. We all turned to face him, Filo having to twist her head over her shoulder to properly take him in. I pushed my fork into my fish as I gazed at the bowl and piece of bread in his hands. Looking up at his face to behold a truly neutral expression. His eyes watching me in turn.
For just a second the dullness behind his usually so bright eyes brought me back to finding him in chains in that place…
"What are you-…"
"He's correct." I intervened before Naofumi could say anything untoward. Shifting my expression over to Naofumi, nodding along to Keel's assessment. Filo had turned back to the table, looking at all of our faces.
"Doesn't mean he has to come right out and say it…" Naofumi grumbled and set his elbow on top of the table. Palm set to the side of his face as he watched my friend with a moderate expression. "Something the matter, Keel?"
"Nothing… um…" He shifted himself and averted his eyes for a moment, suddenly looking slightly more mature than the other day. Had he'd been leveling? "Just curious if I could join you three for lunch." Turning himself back towards Naofumi, he awaited an answer.
Naofumi let his hand fall from his face and held it just under his chin in a curled fist before looking over to Filo, then to me. Asking for our permission with his eyes. I could not come up with any reason not to of course, feeling more curious as to how Keel experienced a certain shift of perspective.
"Of course you can join us!" Filo suddenly interrupted the momentary quiet and sat straight up from her plate with her hands raising along with her joyous voice. We all happily nodded along to her and Keel gave a single note of appreciation before taking the only leftover seat next to Filo.
"So, you made this all by yourself, Mister Naofumi?" He prodded the stew he had with a spoon, having laid his bread down on the table.
"Yes, I did." Naofumi moved to eat a bit more after answering, keeping his expression forward towards Keel. I couldn't really tell what exactly it was but there was this energy in the air that made me adjust myself uncomfortably along the bench. Keel nodded at that and brought the spoon up to his mouth to eat, his eye flicking over to me for a second before drifting back down at the table.
That… was peculiar…
I felt my hand instinctively drum my digits over the wood of the table as I ate a few more bites off of my fish.
The rest of the meal proceeded without incident, but somehow… Keel got started about the past.
Specifically…
"Then Raphtalia was yelling at me! 'No, no! Don't bring that thing over here!' It was only one little fish and she was so worried about the smell." Keel set his hands against the table, having stood up at some point to make emphasis of several things in his stories. Naofumi was sitting back, a strange smile on his face and arms crossed, Filo was entirely rapt in Keel's storytelling.
I on the other hand felt a tightening need to speak as my tail lashed painfully at the various embarrassing memories he decided to recount.
"That's not the whole story, that fish was rotting, and you kept trying to toss it on my head!"
"Oh come off Raph, the last time that happened you got the smell out."
"After three days of bathing!" I felt the heat rise up my neck as I spoke and suddenly Filo and Naofumi let loose a bundle of laughter. The pair of them quickly covered their mouths as I looked between them. "If you think that's funny…" I spoke, feeling danger rising up my throat as I stood up myself, leaning on the table with my hands steadying myself against the tabletop. "What about when I caught you eating raw flour from Mister Felial's shop!"
Keel's dog-like ears grew quite stiff at that.
"You had your face drenched in it and couldn't eat it all cause it was so dry. We were rinsing your hair out for hours trying to get it all out."
"Oh yeah! Well how about-"
"Oh I'm not done, do you remember what you said when I asked you why?" I didn't wait long enough for an answer. "You said, 'I thought it would turn into bread in my tummy!' You had a stomach ache for days!" I glanced over at Naofumi, who rubbed the sides of his mouth as the smile he had undoubtedly started to grow sore.
"It was for science!" Keel retorted and drew my attention back at him. Filo nodded furiously at the suggestion.
"For science!" She repeated after him.
"Don't eat flour, Filo…" Naofumi muttered across the table, while Filo just stuck her tongue out at him indignantly.
"Anyway, how about when your parents brought home the book about the Shield Hero!" I felt my eyes widen and all pairs of eyes draw over to me. "You wouldn't stop talking about how 'handsome' he had to be, and you kept saying how if you-"
"No!" My tail rose dangerously as it was flooded with my sensations of embarrassment. My ears never ceasing to twitch that ricocheted in my chest as I focused on my friend.
"-met him, you would…"
"Keel!" I spoke before he could continue, color almost assuredly rushing my features.
"I'm very interested in what you had to say about the Shield Hero." Naofumi suddenly spoke.
"Naofumi!" I hissed over at him, earning a side glance full of amused feelings, "This is not the time to be so immature!"
"You would kiss him all day and make tons of babies!"
"KEEL!" He turned pale as my tone reached him and for a moment there I thought I was going to leap over the table.
"Oh my god…" I heard Naofumi, before I slumped to the bench and stuck my face into my hands. "That's even worse than I thought."
"I was a child…" My heart would start this strange fluttering as the culmination of all my experiences and life led to this one moment of pure… absolute despair. Naofumi and Filo's endless snickering just compounds the dread seeping into my soul. I would let my hands drop from my face and set them on the table just as Keel sat down… looking assured and somewhat worried.
"Big Sis really loves you Master!" Filo started up and I felt my eyes flash with fury over Keel.
"She sure did love the Shield Hero." I felt his words directed at me and I looked over at him. Drawing my expression into a thin line as I reached out, holding my hand up to block his gaze from me. Turning back to Keel, who seemed to have a realization.
"You win Keel…" Naofumi suddenly brushed my hand away and I didn't have the will to resist. Letting my hand rest back on the table as I refused to look at the man on my right. Then a low chuckle slipped from my lips and was followed by rough snort as I tried in vain to stiffel myself with my hand.
The others, having come down from the shocking revelation like I did, started laughing as well. Naofumi reached over to lightly pat my back as I shook my head at the situation.
"How on Earth did you remember that?" I asked over at Keel.
"How could anyone forget something like that?" He lightly chuckled, reaching up a hand to run through his hair. Flashing a bright smile for a moment before letting it rest into a gentle one.
"How many times did your parents have to read that?" Naofumi spoke with that now familiar lightness in his voice.
"Oh, it must've been dozens… Definitely not a small book either." I rolled my eyes at my younger self and let my eyes drift to the table. His hand didn't leave my shoulder for a good moment longer, smoothing his digits away as the intent became obvious.
"Thought books about the Shield weren't widespread in Melromarc?" He turned towards Keel who nodded along to his sentiment.
"I think back then our local cart drivers got some things from Siltvelt here and there." Naofumi gave a soft note of affirmation and that's when I turned to look at him. That man… warmed in the face even in the temperate afternoon hours, his eyes looking down towards his hand, catching the light to give them this brilliant emerald sheen that drew me in for every moment that I dared to look.
Then I pulled back, staring away from him and off to the village, feeling something tug in my chest and pull me to my feet. Everyone glanced towards me as I did so.
"Would anyone like something to drink? I'm going to fetch us some more water." I spoke, drawing my leg from the bench and stepping out. Naofumi looked as if he was going to get up for me but my swiftness prevented it. I didn't step fully away from the seating area, instead moving around Naofumi's back, gently placing the whole of my hand on his clothes that made him sit straighter than before.
"I can get it, Raph." Naofumi spoke.
"That's okay, Naofumi."
"Can you see if anyone made tea!" Filo suddenly spoke out, and Naofumi's head turned towards Filo.
"Sure thing!" I let my fingertips be the last to graze his back as I slipped away from the group after snagging the water pitcher. I glanced at my hand, felt the tremor start in earnest but I squeezed it into a fist to stifle it and let it unfurl at my side as I walked away.
Naofumi must've seen the direction I'd walked off in was definitely not in the direction of the well because as I intended, the man had followed me behind one of the houses I had slipped away from the main area. This part of the village was mostly normal in appearance, but going just a little bit away from the homes built with stone would reveal the coastline in all its magnificence.
He turned the corner in a definite rush as he failed to see me right away, stepping past me in the assumed direction I had gone.
I snagged him roughly at the arm from the sheer pace he took. Swinging him back around toward me as his eyes flashed anger down at me for a moment before he realized who I was.
"Raphtalia?"
"If you want to come with me, all you have to do is ask." I leaned down and snagged the pitcher and held it securely at the base and its handle with both my hands. I turned on my heel and set the pace in the proper direction.
"I want to come with you." He stated, rather simply. Following my pace at my left side as I glanced back towards him.
"You may come along then." It was honestly just fun to say the words, I wasn't going to force him to leave.
It was a few moments later, when Naofumi set himself just off to my left and I felt his eyes peer at the water pitcher before he thought better of it and looked up at me.
"So…" He started.
"So…" I followed, switching my eyes from the path ahead and over at him. This was one of those precious few moments where we were alone and could talk more properly. "… You and Keel, when did that happen?"
"Keel?" He questioned, as if he didn't understand what I meant.
"A few days ago, he told me…" I felt my voice peter out and I stopped moving, glancing over at him as his expression seemed to understand this was a slightly more serious conversation. I turned towards him and huffed out. "... Well he was telling me about how he didn't trust you, and that I shouldn't be fawning over you like I had-have been." At that minor admission I turned myself away from watching him. Breathing out slowly for a moment before looking back. "Then now… suddenly, he's telling you all about these dumb memories."
"Ah, well…" Naofumi pulled his thoughts together, bringing his hands up to his hips as he stared at the space between us. Bricked cobblestone is more appealing than my expression at the moment. "During the attack," He looked up at me with that, testing how I felt and I merely nodded for him to go on, "Keel was caught up with a few of the bandits where I was."
The attack hadn't been just focused on my side of town, it was this coordinated effort with the most experienced force concentrated where I was, but there were dozens of men that had served as fodder for our more experienced fighters and Filo. Naofumi had to defend on his own for mere minutes before Filo arrived to properly help, no one had died where he was…
"Oh…" I let out rather softly.
"He was defending some of the others, I stepped in when I found them." He nodded at his own recounting, raising his arms and crossing them at his chest. "Later on, he apologized for some reason, then asked if I would help cheer you up."
"When was this?"
"Just a day or two ago…"
"Hm…" I let it escape me and I looked at the ground for a moment. Shaking the ebbing feeling from my neck and sighing out.
"Raph, I know…" he paused himself, unfurled his arms as he took a delicate step closer to my front. "I don't know…" he concluded, his hands came up to my shoulders clutching me tightly and that made me look up at him. He had this hurt in his eyes, something that dulled them and made his face crease uncomfortably at the corners. "All I want is for you to be okay." His hands inched over the top of my torso. Relaxing his digits over them as he searched my eyes for anything.
He wasn't paying attention enough to stop me from crossing in and pecking his lips with my own. Drawing back to his arms as his hands came back to me, holding somewhat more firmly. His eyes brightened then blinked slowly at first, picking some spot of my face that interested him before he looked back on me.
"I'm not okay… it's true, but that's the world… It's harsh and unforgiving. But it has this beauty and wonder in it… at this moment, I'm not okay, but with time. With time…" I drifted off, losing the thought. "It's no one's fault but my own failure and fear. I thought things were different and I got severely humbled." His hands left my shoulders and slowly came up to cup the sides of my face. Barely present, hovering even over my features for an agonizing moment before he pushed his fingers through the sides of my hair, letting his left hand fall to his side afterward. His right hand came back to my jaw and held me softly. I let myself rest into his palm, feeling warm from his tender gesture.
"It's not your fault…"
"Naofumi, please…"
"I'm serious Raph."
"I know you are, but I wasn't strong enough."
"You were." His face scrunched up in displeasure from my words.
"Then I wasn't fast enough. Either way, someone is dead, Se'Li is dead and it's because I wasn't strong enough or fast enough to save him." He stopped responding. "I couldn't help but… think… of you. Filo, Keel. Everyone, it's almost enough to make me not want to try at all."
"But." He saw where I was heading of course.
"But that doesn't mean I won't keep trying, I just… have one more name to carry."
He suddenly set his forehead against mine, breathing out slowly between us. He kind of smelt of fish, it was a silly, immature thought. Then I pressed myself against him as well, applying that same type of pressure in contrast to him.
"After… I want to give you something." He pulled away as he said this, crossing his arms over his chest as if to say this was something that he would not budge on. That lingering heat on my cheek makes me miss his touch quite dearly even in this sour mood.
"I'm in no position to say no." He scoffed at that and I gave him a weak smile, weak… but real. Maybe he didn't know, or if he did he was hardly boastful, but this man… seems to drain the pain away. I felt like I could breathe again.
We went along together, drew water for the pitcher, and came back to the town center. Passing the church and people who gave warm greetings to both me and the Shield Hero, while it still stung. I walked a bit lighter, sloshing the water in the pitcher with something that bordered towards contentment.
Keel and Filo had been waiting the whole time and when Keel looked to me he seemed to glean something unknowable, his blue hues shined just a bit brighter than before. Filo seemed quite proud of herself for something… we all finished our meals before too long and started walking the village together. Afternoon heat tempered by the cool ocean breeze that came along.
I drifted back to the scene earlier, waves pooling, drifting in and out. Crashing and foaming up the shore, I blinked back to the other night with Naofumi. Then I was cold, a shiver starting at the end of my tail and itching up my spine as I unconsciously stepped myself into Naofumi's presence as Filo and Keel spoke on something beyond my purview. He looked down at me, slightly confused until I drew our hands together without so much as an indication. He took my hand in his with no hesitation.
"H-Hey!" Filo suddenly piped up, her voice growing a few pitches sharper as me and Naofumi momentarily forgot where we were. "What are you two doing!" I tried to drag my hand from Naofumi out of instinct but he tightened his fingers around mine. Getting me to look at him as he looked on to Filo.
"We're holding hands…" He said, with little reverence for the action. Keel had turned back to us, glancing at our hands, then to me and the embarrassed flush across my face. More understanding over taking his features as Filo seemed to stamp her foot at the notion of such an act.
"T-That's what I thought!" She seemed to think that made some sort of case as she pointed her finger squarely at Naofumi and spoke. "Wh-why, why are you holding hands with Big Sis!" Naofumi blinked, looking over to me as I suddenly had this huge grin on my face, reaching up to cover my expression with my palm as he fixed himself to look at Filo.
"Why can't I hold hands with Raphtalia?"
"Because you can't!"
"That's not an answer!" The two started to devolve into bickering and Keel and I exchanged a glance as the two of them got heated over exactly 'who' could hold my hand or couldn't.
Later on… I was standing between Filo and Naofumi with my hands clasped in together with theirs. Apparently, Filo wanted attention from her 'Big Sis…'
The rest of the evening proceeded without incident, Filo and Keel chatting about whatever and Naofumi remaining mostly quiet. I couldn't tell exactly what but something had been bugging him, he would shift every so often and I'd catch him watching me intently from time to time. Holding my hand couldn't possibly have been it, such a little thing to make him hem and haw was unimaginable.
It was a while later, when Filo had finally fallen asleep in the tent and Keel wandered off back to his own quarters after we had a proper make up about our friendship. He hugged me and I apologized to him.
Such a dumb thing to get heated about.
I had thought there was no point to the argument aside from two stubborn people frictioning against each other. But that wasn't what got my whole attention that night…
Keel left, we set in to sleep, Filo snoozing away in the corner from the both of us. I was sitting in my bed with the cover pulled up to my knees as I sat with a book opened on my legs. It was something dumb, a compilation of aethestically pleasing outfits for men. Their origins and what would constitute 'good fashion,' at least for the people of the Capital, which is where I snagged this distressingly benign marvel. Then as I was absorbed in my book, Naofumi had arrived at my side, peeling my attention from the page I was on and to him but before I could even hope to speak he raised a hand with a single digit extended to indicate I shouldn't speak. I gave him a quizzical expression but his hand came over to gently shut the book on my lap… which incidentally filled my stomach with endless fluttering feelings and I had to look away from his visage to softly exhale.
Where in the world did he learn to be so bold!?
He took the book from my lap and set it down over my chest of things before he stood back up to offer me his hand. He wasn't dressed in much of anything, just pants and a dull linen shirt, which made me think of seeing him in some frilly nobleman's garb. All form and fashion with a pampered look.
He would definitely pout the whole time if he was forced to dress that way…
I took the offered grip and he drew me to my feet, the covers haphazardly fluttering across the top of the cot as I stood, and he pantomimed out the action of getting my boots on as he released me and step quite deftly away and back towards his own bed. I just watched him walk away for a moment, considering what possible idea this man had in dragging me out of bed just before we were supposed to rest. I didn't take much time in pulling on my boots, turning to where Naofumi was to see that he was collecting a certainly verbose amount of things into a familiar looking picnic basket.
Ah! So a date then?
Which was strange, he didn't ask… nor did he indicate as such in any way to me before now that this was going to be his intention.
It felt… kind of soon if I was to be honest, the thing with the village then this span of time where I was wholly uncertain how things would turn out between us.
Now…
Soon we were standing outside the tent, when Naofumi took my left hand and pulled me along with him.
"Naofumi?" I elected now to speak, hardly getting a proper look from him as he led me quickly along from the tent. "Naofumi." I spoke more firmly and this time he looked back from where he was headed. Still never ceasing our gait though.
"Yeah?" His shield was nowhere to be seen, hidden away again. I must have had a look on my face because he turned from dull concentration to something… else… shyness maybe?
"Where on earth are we going?"
"Just… trust me, Raph." That got me to blink, him using my own lines against me… I guess this was something that came close to being non negotiable. So I relented, stopped dragging my feet, and set pace along with him as he led me off and towards the beach once again.
We approached the beginning of the shore once again, and my eyes invariably led towards the dark water in the distance, thinking back to the swirling eels. Darkness enveloping me, the cold and heat and dark swirling clouds emanating evil intent. It made my stomach sick and I quickly turned back to Naofumi, who had released my hand and had his shield back alongside his arm. Staring into that middle distance, an expression that always meant he was checking something specific in his 'stats menu.' He blinked back to the present situation and set his shield arm back to his hip as he held the basket off with his right arm.
"Okay… Raphtalia…" He looked down at me, his eyes seeming a bit shifty as he pulled this awkward smile from somewhere and let a somewhat distressed breath from his lips.
"... Naofumi?" I questioned, letting my arms come up to cross over my chest.
"Look… I didn't really know how to ask-"
"Hm…"
"Heh, I want to take you somewhere…" Eventually his smile kind of faded, and his expression settled. Falling somewhere between serious and sincere. "Somewhere private, for just a bit." My tail, the most honest part of myself, had started to sway at his admission. Ear twitching gently as those wonderful words found their way. But, even as my heart fluttered and I desperately wanted to say yes… something gripped me at my chest and made me want to say 'no.'
"Naofumi…" I glanced off at the village, peppered with fire light. The fear made my feet awkwardly pat into the ground, trying to ebb out this sensation.
"Raphtalia," Naofumi stepped a bit closer, his hand drew up and he offered his palm to me. I wasn't even looking but I could sense the way his presence moved, naturally attuned to it. I uncrossed my arms and relinquished my left hand into his. His digits wrapped around the whole of my palm and it felt safe and warm. "I know… you're worried, but we made sure it was safe… the guards are on alert. We won't be staying here forever and they will need to make sure to take care of themselves."
"I know…" Even if we weren't there, the guards probably could have taken care of the bandits.
Probably.
My internal voice echoed the sentiment and I grumbled at my lack of faith.
"Okay, Naofumi…" I returned the tenderness he showed me, squeezing back against his hand as his expression grew just a bit softer.
"It's gonna be worth it."
The energy shifted, starting at our feet, swirling wind whipping through the sand and forcing our clothing to billow around our forms. It was just a brief moment, a flash of force and then I blinked… suddenly we were elsewhere. The village firelight to our right and the beach to our left had evaporated and now I was somewhere dark and lacking in the dense air of salt.
The surrounds now were thick with nature, the smell of green and bark cutting around us as the air was cool to my skin. The sky here was lit only by the glow of moonlight and stars speckled across the breadth above us.
He was still holding my hand when my eyes adjusted to his shape in front of me. Then a bubbling pop caught my ear, it was off to my right, consistent and rhythmic almost. Bubbling pops that sounded almost akin to something boiling in a pot.
"Ah, give me a moment." He said as he drew his hand away, fumbling for something in the basket as he stepped a few steps away towards something stuck in the ground a few feet away from us. Then as he found what he was looking for something flashed in his hand, bringing alive this decently large flame as he leaned into this torch he had known the exact position of. His portal here, practiced steps… he'd been here before… planning something obviously. The torch took the flame and roared to life, a solid flame raising from it and giving fresh torchlight to our surroundings. If I had the time my eyes would eventually grow accustomed to the dim moonlight but that wasn't in Naofumi's plan.
Our surroundings became more obvious as he did this, turning myself towards the outside edge of a suffocatingly dense treeline. Where we stood was a flat clearing, and doing a full revolution of our area revealed mostly trees until a jutting cliff face rose out of the earth at one end of the clearing… and below it… steaming and bubbling away a natural hot spring. Naofumi had also walked the perimeter, lighting torches set up in just a way to bring a warm lighting to the space. The edges of the clearing absorbed away so just this spot was flushed.
He had set the basket down by the first torch so he could work, I moved over and took it into my hands as he finished up, glancing at me sheepishly for a moment before the fire grew too close to his fingers and he huffed quietly. Putting it out in the ground before stamping the smoking mess with his boot.
"So… this is your big plan?" I uttered towards him, the air was still save for the soft bubbling of the spring. So even the barest syllable was shooting across to each other with ease. The breeze ceased to exist here. In fact almost everything seemed to be away from this place. Entirely isolated in this nowhere clearing. "How'd you even find a place like this?"
"Heard about it…" He spoke without a hint of consideration. Bringing his hands together to gently dust them off together. "Had to trek through the woods for it though. It's not incredibly far from the village, but teleporting is easier."
"Especially when we don't want to let everyone know where exactly we went." He nodded at that, flashing something of a grin my way. "What about Filo?"
I'd ask without really thinking about it, thinking back to that night… I didn't want her to wake up to us not being there.
"I don't think we are going to be too incredibly long… Just a bit of privacy." He spoke, bringing one of his hands to clasp around his neck but his face didn't betray if that was exciting or not. Of course, certain implications from that expression made my ears twitch and a prickling feeling itched its way up my spine.
An actual moment alone… really alone.
I considered the Shield hero for a moment or two longer before I led my gaze off towards the natural feature. It looked… comfortable for something that formed all on its own. Dark stone made up the clifface behind it and parts of the rock sloped from the surface of it into the pool of steaming water. It was a much too steep ramp that glistened from the steam emanating from the pool below. The edges of it somewhat sunken beneath the soil with clear rocky indications where the heated water shifted and pushed against for however long this spot existed. Otherwise the clearing was layered with a healthy floor of grass and nothing saplings that hadn't taken form yet. Unclear to me as to why nothing grew permanently closer to the hot spring itself, the whole scene looking almost manicured and with the torches set out in such a way I was inclined to think that way.
I took my first few steps towards the pool with the basket in my arms and Naofumi seemed to grow stiff, his mouth tightened, then he scowled. Grumbling something to himself before looking at me directly with a softer look. I stopped myself and just looked back at him.
Some indescribable feeling overtaking the air. Not romance or frustration, It was like… spending time with someone you didn't know.
"Naofumi…" I let out after a moment, something in the way I spoke brought something out of him.
"Yeah..?"
"Do you… do you think this is a bad idea?" He didn't respond right away, reaching a fist up to quietly cough into his grip before letting his hand unfurl to cup the side of his face.
"That… was not the reaction I was hoping for if I'm being honest." He flashed an uneasy grin and sighed. That look disappeared altogether as he let his arm fall from his face and let himself look at the sky.
"Neither was I, usually… this kind of thing. Straight out of a fantasy I had at least once or twice." I looked down at the basket, then the spring, then him. He didn't look at me.
"Basket included?"
"Probably." I shifted myself at my waist, feeling… awkward, pit eating away at my throat before I let my arms loose around myself and set the basket handle into my hand.
"I know what you mean," He let his head slump forward with a delicate breath. "I just… couldn't, I couldn't see…" The words were struggling and Naofumi was growing frustrated with himself. His fist clenched and unfurled a dozen times before I crossed the relatively small space between us. Getting in the shadow of him with the flicking torchlight twitching over his shoulder. When I got closer he seemed to relax, shoulders straighten and his uneasy rhythm of breathing would settle. "When I looked at you all I could see was myself!" The note sharpened, unpleasant to my ears and cracking his vocal cords. He settled himself with a single hand cupping over his mouth to calm his train of thought. "I knew what happened, what it meant to you, and I couldn't do a damn thing to help you out of it-"
"Naofumi!" He looked up as I spoke sharply at him. But I lacked the words to say anything, just… lost in this scene, my mouth was hanging open. I felt my heart pound into my ears and I wanted to do something… Anything!
Anything…
"Just! Shut up!" Suddenly I had lost control, I dropped the basket to the soil and brought my hands up to my chest. Trembling in every emotion that boiled up to my mouth. "Shut up you idiot!" I couldn't even grasp at what was coming out of my mouth. "It's not your damn fault, It's mine okay!? I'm the weak one who couldn't be fast enough-"
"Raphtalia!"
"I can't sav e!" I must have been screaming, angry, everything. I couldn't even breathe in between the words. "Stop pretending, stop lying to yourself that you're responsible for everything I do." My hand came up, jabbing a single accusatory digit into his chest. "For everything I screw up," I pulled away from his presence, wanting to retch. "Because one day when you're counting on me I won't be the one who saves you. I'll watch you die! I'll hold you in my arms when you're dead and it'll be MY FAULT!" I inhaled very sharply as I stopped speaking, feeling hot tears in my eyes for a few moments as I looked him right in the eyes. In those hopeful… desperate hues. Everything in me, all of it wanted to burn everything down.
My legs brought themselves forward towards the basket and I took my foot back before slamming it into the object. Sending it off in a flash before it exploded against the trunk of a tree. The sight of it made me stop, it was set in slow motion, two canteens… paper wax… and a large blanket.
I blinked and everything was scattered to the floor. Whatever food was there had been disintegrated by me. One of the canteens was cracked on its side… the blanket was crumpled at the base of the tree with splinters splattered all over.
Then… I collapsed to my knees, bringing my hands up as they trembled, soaked in an adrenal reaction. The breath I took then hitched and shuddered in. My palms came up to cover my ears and grip my fingertips into my hair.
"I'm sorry…" I hushed out, staring at what I'd done. "… I'm sorry…"
Naofumi was watching me, collapsing on the ground… apologizing to the air. Before he got closer and turned out towards the ruined basket, sighing softly before slumping down to sit himself.
"Stop apologizing…" He started out… I glanced over at him. Knees tucked in and arms locked together around them.
His calmness pulled me from my emotional daze… sniffling softly as I drew my hands from my ears. Then let them fall between my legs in front of me.
"But I ruined it…"
"Who cares about some stupid basket." He huffed out, chuckling even. It made me smile for a moment before it melted away. "When was the last time you yelled like that?"
"The other night… when…" he nodded in understanding.
"You don't usually get angry like that." I nodded, "Did it feel good..?"
"No… it never feels good…" Just like with the bandits… just like with anything… it never made me feel better.
Just small.
"I'm going to tell you something someone really smart told me once." We just stayed how we were, staring ahead at my shame. "The day will come when we won't be enough. That day we will get stronger. This person made it very clear that we will be enough for one another, and for everything to get better we have to take risks." I felt myself turning toward him.
"And it's okay to be scared?"
"Perfectly normal… if anything it's the way to know who you are deep down inside."
"Sounds like some sort of silly girl…" He let his legs flatten out in front of himself.
"She is the strongest person I know." He let his hands come down to the soil beside himself. "Her love is something indescribable…"
I felt the tears stream down my cheek… blinking away a sudden wateriness that clouded my eyes.
"I love you more than anything I've ever cared to know, Raphtalia." He said out towards the splintered basket. "You are everything I hope to protect in this world… a reason to see hope for the future. The reason I can care at all. You are the strength I need, I can't piece my life together without you here with me."
"Naofumi…"
"Please…" He shifted himself towards me, his eyes still hopeful, marred in desperation. As if this is the only thing worth saying, it made me seal my words in. "… I can't make the loss go away, I don't know how, I can't drown out those fears picking away at your insides." His hand came up, offering itself to my inspection. It took me more than a moment but I slipped my hand into his. He shifted himself up, sitting on his knees with his form slumped towards me. "But there is something I can do, and that's being here… with you…" His free hand snuck something from his pocket, bringing it to cup my hand in both of his. I felt something warm in my palm now, weighted somehow. Then he released me, letting me stare upon this… small thing.
A small… intricate trinket, it seemed to warm me, buzz even in the skin of my hand. Radiating comfort but also humming a vibrose tempo.
I shifted myself to face him, eyes shifting from him to the trinket. My thumb went in to explore the surface, it was silvery, small nothing designs giving an illusionary script. Like a rune but nonexistent to the naked eye. It was circular from the front and formed an oval shape beneath itself. It would fit the palm of any child in the world.
"What is this..?"
"Think of it as a charm."
"What does it do?" He gave a soft chuckle before dropping his hands from mine.
"Nothing, it stays with you." I looked at him one more time and gave him a nod, bringing the trinket to myself before slipping it away in a pocket hidden on myself. Where it rested I could sense it, warm, secure.
"You shouldn't have-"
"I wanted to." He flashed a weak, mostly embarrassed smile before letting his hand come up to the back of his neck as he struggled to find his next words. "Well, heh… I think the plan to have snacks went out the window." That got me to hush out a gentle bit of laughter.
"Again… I'm really sorry." I huffed out but Naofumi shook his head.
"You had to get it out, of course I'll miss that basket, but there will always be more baskets." The crying wouldn't stop through all this, they kept smoothing down my face. I drew my hand up to my cheek and tried to wipe it away. "I'm sorry I didn't know how much pain you were in."
"Look who's apologizing now…" I muttered along before sighing out. "I didn't even know, but I think I'll be okay now."
"Good." Of course it'll be better now… I'll finally try to actually talk to Naofumi about this sort of thing, instead of blowing up and smashing baskets.
I shifted to look at the splintered shrapnel.
Naofumi's hand reached out to grasp my expression by my chin, turning my crying visage towards himself as his thumb pushed ever so slightly upon my bottom lip. Then shifted to cup my face, his cool thumb running over the skin of my cheek to wipe away the tears that I had neglected.
W-why? Why now?
My tail shifted, slowly batting at my back before the rhythm rose. My heartbeat thudded in my ears as he looked at my tearstained expression.
Will it ruin it? I can't help it…
"Naofumi…" I said and he wordlessly shifted to look at me. He had this stoic expression now but I knew what he was considering, exactly who was this mess of a woman before him.
When I moved forward slowly, deliberately, I gave Naofumi every opportunity to counter.
I started by leaning forward, placing my hands delicately on the soil, moving closer to him to make our faces come just that closer than before. His eyes shimmered with emotion, instinct to shift just a bit back as I took over his space.
"Raph…" He let out, and I couldn't help but shiver when he spoke my name. My hand came up to his chest and felt his pounding heartbeat in his torso.
"We're alone… hopefully." He let out something like a laugh but it felt completely strained… worried even. But he didn't stop me when my hand moved up his shirt to loop my index finger down his collar. Drawing him in to kiss him finally. My eyes fluttered closed in delight.
So warm, so… warm…
"I love you…" I whispered along his lips. His arm came up, it didn't touch me right away, but deliberately hovered over my side. After a breath of hesitation he set his heated grip on my side.
"I love you too."
