Title: How to keep people at arm's length and never get too close
Author: Jessica12
Rating: PG
Genre: Angst, Pov
Pairing: Colbourne/Charlotte
Summary: Alexander Colbourne's POV on the events of season two and his relationship with Charlotte. You had no right to seek the peace her present brought your soul and you had no right whatsoever to want her. You didn't deserve her.
Note: English is not my first language so spelling/gramma mistakes may occur.
Time had a way of getting you used to the sorrow you carried with you. It seeped into your bones until the numbing pain in your heart became a necessary part of the person you had become. You could no longer remember a time before.
You had accepted your lot in life. You knew your place in the order of things. You had settled into a life focused on your daughter and your niece. You told yourself that it was the only thing that mattered and you needed no one and nothing else.
She came into your life at a time when your routines were set. You knew who you were and you knew how the world worked. The first thing you noticed about her was the light she brought with her. It crept into every part of the place you called home. You found yourself searching her out; wanting to be where she was. You found excuses for that fact. You told yourself it was your duty as her employer and for the sake of the children. But every time you came close to her you found yourself lingering, not wanting to leave. You chalked up to curiosity and nothing else.
Then the day of the picnic came. It had been such a long time since you had sat in the sun and felt the sun on your face. You almost felt a sense of peace sitting there beside her listening to her speak to your children. When she bestowed you with one of her smiles you felt something inside of you shift. But you that had years of practice ignored that feeling she evoked in you. When you broke your own rule of mingling in society again by going to the garden party, you told yourself it had nothing to do with her. It had nothing to do with your need to please her.
The fear you felt when you saw her being close to him was instant. Fear that your past was repeating itself. But mostly the fear that all those things that kept eating at you since the day your wife died was true. That you hadn't been enough. That the person you were was not worthy to be loved. So when you saw the nearness she seemed to give the man that had brought so much pain to your world you acted. You drew a line in the sand and you prayed that she would come with you. That she would choose you without question. It was stupid and weak. But the fear of the past repeating itself blinded you. When she refused you, when she didn't pick you, that little hope that you let yourself grow inside shattered. But when you stepped into your carriage and left her there you refused to acknowledge the pain her refusal had caused. As you lay alone that night you twisted and turned the day's event until you settled on a truth that you could live with. You had been wrong. You had no right to want anything other from her than her skill as a governess. You had no right to seek the peace her present brought your soul and you had no right whatsoever to want her. You didn't deserve her. You were not a person people loved. This was a fact that your past had taught you. But your weak heart had for a moment refused to acknowledge the truth of that fact.
When you rose that morning after you told yourself to move on, to let go. So you did. You avoided her for days afterwards and when you happened to be in the same room you didn't speak to her. You told yourself that you were searching for the right words to say. That was the only reason. But you refused to admit that you feared that your words would fail you. When you finally worked up the courage to speak to her you felt like you had won back some ground in the battle to get back to what was before. But the ground won was lost when you caved when it came to attending the ball.
You told yourself when you walked into the ballroom that evening that your attendance had nothing to do with her. That the need to see her, to please her hadn't made you cave. She was the first person you searched for and when your eyes settled on her all your trepidation about attending a ball left you. She was beautiful of course. She shone. When she came towards you your weak, pitiable heart seemed to expand in your chest. You were not there for her. It was a lie you clung to. When dancing commenced you tried to refuse. You feared that touching her would lead you down a path that you could not come back from. When she finally was in your arms you told yourself that you could survive being so near to her. But all the strength you thought you had was gone when your eyes met. You felt the need to hold on and never let go. You felt humbled in her presence. Your whole being seemed to tremble by the nearness of her. When the music came to an end and she left you you felt empty and cold.
You should have let her go but you found yourself searching for her. When you finally did find her she wanted answers to questions you had refused to give her. You hadn't the strength left to refuse her anything at that moment. So you sat her down and exposed your past to her. You showed her everything you had kept hidden for so long. You let them out into the air and you felt lighter. And you prayed that she wouldn't walk away. That your past wouldn't scare her away. When you saw understanding and tenderness in her eyes something inside of your chest gave away. The feeling of her hand in yours made you speechless. All those feelings you had held back for so long now came crashing over you and you let it happen. You didn't hide from it. So you gave in and you kissed her. It was meant to be just a touch, nothing else. But as you tasted her and you felt her body melt against you, you lost yourself for a moment. You were the one that broke the kiss. You saw heaven in her eyes. You wanted to tell her the truth about you then and there. You wanted to say that you wanted her, that you needed her. That you didn't want to walk through life without her. But mostly that you loved her; that you were in love without her. You didn't know when it happened or how but for once you didn't question it. You just accepted. For once in your life, you were willing to embrace what you were feeling and trust it.
But your insecurities and fears made you not say those words to her. You saw the need in her for some kind of answer and she went away without you giving her anything. You told yourself that you needed time. You needed to find the right words to make her understand that you were true. The fear that what you were feeling was not reciprocated ran deep. The only person you had loved, that you had dared give away your heart to, had in the end crushed you. What was left of you was a person that didn't know if he was brave enough and strong enough to trust anyone with what was left of his heart. But you were so tired of letting your past win. So for once in your life, you were willing to reach for what you wanted.
She came back the next day. You waited for her. You saw uncertainty in her eyes and for a moment you hated yourself for causing it. Your hands screamed out to touch her. As you walked beside her through the garden with the sun warming your face you felt at peace. When she stood under that tree telling you about her past and how it in many ways mirrored yours you felt such a relief. Relief that she understood and maybe she was willing to stay. So you did what came naturally; you kissed her. You drowned in her and her taste. You were willing to stay there forever with her under that tree. Just the two of you. But reality came back with the news of your missing daughter.
You found your daughter with him. The man that you had hated for so long. The man that by his actions had made your world comes tumbling down. At least that was what you told yourself. You knew that you shouldn't let him rattle you. He didn't matter in your world after all. But when he put words to your fears it stopped you in your tracks. Those words seeped into your veins like poison. A stronger man would have been able to stand against it. You were not that strong. The poison weaved its way through your body and squeezed your heart. How could you trust that your love for Charlotte would be enough? That the person you were would be able to give her the life she deserved free from pain and sorrow. Your actions had caused the death of another. You could not hide from that. Your words, your coldness and your inability to forgive had caused the life of your wife. That was a truth that kept ringing in your ears as you walked home. If you had been a better, stronger person you had been able to forgive and move on and she would still be here. So how could you be so reckless and irresponsible to consider letting Charlotte anywhere near you? Your actions in the past proved that you were capable of hurting and even destroying a person you claimed you loved.
As you walked home through the woods and fields you loved you came up with a truth that you settled on; that you had to let go. You wished you could have hated him for his words but all they did was remove the blinders from your eyes. You didn't deserve to be near her. You were her employer after all. Nothing else. What you had been feeling or what you had thought you had been feeling was just a mistake. It was just a weak moment in time and that proved to yourself that you were a pitiable excuse of a man. She deserved someone better, stronger, braver. You were not that man. All you did was cause pain and suffering. It was better to let her go before you caused too much damage.
So you stood there in the room where it all had begun and you told her the lies you clung to. Those lies would push her out of your life for good. A part of you wished that you could have been able to tell her part of the truth. That she had mattered in your life and that you would remember the time you had gotten with her. That she had changed you in a way you couldn't express with words. You would remember her always. Her name was forever etched into your heart and there she would remain until you died. But of course, you couldn't say that. It wouldn't be fair. So you did was what necessary and told her the lie you clung to. You saw the pain it caused and you saw a light in her eyes flicker and die. You hated yourself. Your words caused the effect you wanted and she walked out of your life. You stood by the window a long time after she had gone. Her presence seem to linger in the room. You walked through the house you called home and refused to acknowledge the fact that everywhere you turned you saw her. You told yourself that it was just a matter of time and that she would eventually settle into a fond memory. But the truth that her leaving felt like someone had removed a vital part of you. You tried to convince yourself that this too would pass. But the physical pain her absence caused you didn't lessen as the hours passed it just increased. When you were confronted by the words from your niece you fled the house.
You rode to the ocean. You sat there looking out over the water and you considered what you were willing to lose. Were you willing to lose the one person that you had found that could bring your soul the peace it craved? The one person that you felt strong with, safe with. The person you could see a future with. Where you willing to let her go without telling her the truth about yourself and letting her make her choice? How could you let go without knowing if her feelings mirrored yours? That you were not alone in this.
So you went to her in the hopes that you would be able to set things right. That your actions and your words hadn't once again destroyed this precious thing that you had seen blossom and grow between the two of you. Fear crippled you and made you stumble on your words. The distance between the two of you felt like miles. You tried to make her understand. But you had never been good with words. You felt ashamed but also you were terrified. You were terrified that it was too late. That you had already lost. But you had come there to fight for once in your life. To make her see, to make her believe in you again. So you tried to bridge the gap between the two of you by stepping forward. In one single move, you saw her raise her defences. When she spoke about her feelings something came a part inside of you. That one thing inside of you that had believed that maybe this time you would be the one that won. That she would believe you, stand by you. Pick you. That you were not alone in feeling this. But when she labelled it all a mistake it shattered all those hopes. You felt like such a fool. How could you think that anything you had to say would make her change her mind? How could you think that any confessions of your feelings now would evoke anything in her other than anger? She would never believe you and if she did would your feelings be reciprocated. As you stood there looking into her eyes you saw the truth. It lay before you plain and simple. You had lost. And maybe you had never had anything to lose in the first place. You were alone in feeling these things. You had never won her heart. You had never been able to evoke any other feelings in her than tenderness. If that wasn't the case she wouldn't be able to dismiss you so easily and coldly. That thought settled inside of you and flooded your body with a numbing pain. How foolish you had been. You thanked her for being truthful with you and then you fled.
You fled once again to the seaside. You sat there looking out over the water and you let all your feelings wash over you. You twisted and turned everything until you came up with a truth you could live with; you hadn't been enough. You were not worthy of being loved by her or anyone. How could you close your eyes to that truth when your actions in the present mirrored your actions in the past? All you brought was pain and suffering. You felt so ashamed of all the things you had said and done. She hated you now and she had all the right to feel like that. You hated yourself. It burned in you. But as you sat there you only wished for one thing; that you could reach inside of yourself and remove that part of you that loved her. Maybe that would make you be able to breathe again. Maybe time would be kind and that feeling would fade away. It was a lie you clung to as you rode home.
When the news reached you two months later of her engagement that part of you that still burned bright with the hope that she would come back died. It was a painful death. You shut yourself in your office and you drowned yourself in the bottle. In the morning you decided to leave. You thought if you could just get some distance from this house and all the memories it held you would be fine. A week later you started your journey back to some kind of peace. And maybe somewhere along the way you would able to forget her. The lie screamed in your head as you stepped into your carriage and left your home behind. But you refused to listen.
