This Isn't Blackmail
I'm back with another piece of humor/fluff that I kept rewriting.
Edited by only me. As always, I don't own any of these characters or settings.
I hope you guys enjoy!
With the end of the war, the thief's job only gets sweeter from here.
Gaius sneaked away from the party to scavenge while the Shepherds were having their final hurrah of battle. They were still ratifying the peace treaties at the war's end, and there was plenty to loot in Plegia. Until it was time to celebrate, the thief hid the best candies and hoarded them until the final battle was over. Up until this point, he'd had to make do with dwindling rations and stale cakes.
The party was loud and active as he traveled through the desert grounds, so he didn't have to sneak. Gaius had discovered the ideal hiding spot for his loot while climbing the dune after ants infested his tent, resulting in a ban on sweets inside their personal quarters. The thief was impressed by how hidden it was from the camp while still providing a generous view of the Ylissean army.
He was tempted to tell the higher-ups, but since the thief kept returning and the army was departing within the week, did it really matter?
Well, now it did because Gaius wasn't the only one. In the distance, under a shade of trees, he noticed two figures standing under it. It was instinct that caused him to pull out the bow he'd been practicing with; he was still a novice, but he was too far away to use his sword.
Inching closer, Gaius couldn't make out what the voices were saying, but it sounded familiar. Based on their proximity, this was more of a friendly conversation. A lover's rendezvous?
A few more steps would do.
"-makes no difference what Gangrel said. You're your own man."
"I'm aware that I shouldn't believe his words-"
The robed figure cupped her companion's face, caressing their cheek. "I cherish the man that you are, and the words of a mad man won't change that. We accomplished our goal, and peace will soon follow, my love, just as she desired."
Wait, Gaius recognized their voices and stopped. Isn't that…?
Bubbles snuggled up to Blue, loosely hugging his neck as she rested against the tree trunk in a state of bliss. In turn, the prince pecked the top of her hair before pressing his forehead against hers and muttering under his breath in a sickeningly sweet display.
Hello there. The thief remembered those two standing respectfully apart a few hours ago during the end of the war festivities. Both acting as friendly allies during the important meeting. Now, these two were clearly producing more than just treaties, disappearing in the middle of the party to meet privately.
They both drifted closer and kissed, confirming Gaius' suspicions.
Gaius slithered back into the camp, wary of being gutted by either of them or, worse, witnessing something he'd regret witnessing. Forget the rest of the treasure; the thief has struck gold.
"Sup, Blue?" Gaius said, catching the prince while he left the mess tent the next day, heading towards the training grounds. Blue looked down at the ground, seemingly lost in thought, before turning to face him, puzzled.
"I'm not even bothering with the name any longer. Do you need something, Gaius?"
"Me? Nope. It's just that I saw something unusual yesterday that you might be interested in. I'm not going to lie: it astounds me that a fancy royal like you would do something like this."
"What exactly? Celebrate with their own troops? You do realize I can unwind on special occasions?" Blue appeared preoccupied, despite his mention of leisure, tapping his chin.
"That's what I meant. Relaxing like the rest of us. Fancy-free. Footloose."
"…Right." Blue shot him a confused look, continuing down the path. "If you don't mind, I have some responsibilities to attend to today."
"Hey, unless you're a willing patron, I'm not looking for another outing. There's enough booze and feasts in this camp to last a month. I'm just here to tell you about a place you should visit."
"I'm afraid I don't have much time at the moment."
"See, it's just south of here, just south of the camp. You just have to climb a small dune to get to these patches of trees with a great view."
Blue stopped.
"I thought it was a great hiding place for my sweets, but a spy would use it for surveillance."
"Of course," the prince acknowledged, his eyes darting from side to side. "I'll assess the area and check it with Robin."
Instead of sending out guards, he'll inspect the premises with just himself and the chief tactician? Gaius must've struck a nerve for him to reveal such a blatant clue. It's best to warn him now, before he makes another slip of the tongue to the others. They were far enough from the public ears, but the thief leaned in and murmured. "Hiding in plain sight would've been a better option, but I'm glad Bubbles got her chance."
"Bubbles?"
"I heard tents were a popular place to meet. Some even risk going into the stables if they're really frisky. However, just so you know, from that vantage point, any fiend can see the camp, but you already knew that."
"What is this nonsense?" the prince insisted, becoming slightly annoyed. "First and foremost, WHO are you talking about with this blasted-?"
Blue froze for a few seconds, his eyes widening as he pondered Gaius' words.
"ROBIN?!" The prince blurted, surveying their surroundings as some distant onlookers paused to stare at him. Blue yanked Gaius by the shoulder and dragged him into the nearest tent. The thief's foot narrowly missed kicking a supply box.
"A commander in a secret affair with their chief tactician. Didn't think you had it in you!" He winked at Blue, who was visibly embarrassed, his face flushed up to his ears. Gaius has witnessed many reactions in his life, but this one is likely the most satisfying he's seen in a while. "Going away for some alone time together and in secret too! Just like in those tavern songs, it's as romantic as it gets."
"I committed no such thing! We are-" Blue stopped, pinching his nose. "By the Gods, this is humiliating."
"Relax, I'm not here to condemn you for your vices. In truth, I'm glad you're with Bubbles. You're branching out from your royal etiquette! I just wanted to warn you about how easily you two could've been spotted by spies or other Shepherds."
"Yes, thank you for mentioning it in the middle of camp, within earshot of both allies and foes alike. As there wasn't a need for it to remain a secret."
Gaius brushed off the prince's exasperation, stuck on the secrecy of the whole relationship. "So, what is your intention?"
"Intention of what?"
"Is this a spur-of-the-moment event due to the end of the war, like these scandals you hear about, or...?"
Blue clenched his teeth, hissing as he flinched backwards. "Robin is NOT my mistress."
"I'm not sure what to say to you, Blue. I assumed all of you royals were exclusively married to members of other noble houses. Some high-born women and their families are going to seethe into their teacups and crumpets at this revelation." Gaius even knows that some nobles are willing to pay good coin to have the problem resolved.
"Who gives a damn about the court? I asked her to marry me. It was MY choice." Blue snapped. Despite his stunned expression, the corner of his lips formed a faint smile. "We're postponing the announcement until we arrive back at the Ylissean border."
That's even better than Gaius could have hoped for. "Oh sweet, where's the ring?"
"Can't seem to find it…" Blue mumbled.
"You lost it?" The thief asked when the prince's frowned. "Wait, you proposed WITHOUT a ring?"
"Was I going to war with the intention of marrying? Not at all. Why would I keep it on me at all times?"
Gaius shook his head in disbelief. "That's just any woman's dream. Poor Bubbles."
Blue waved his hands around. "It wasn't planned! Robin began asking questions, and it just poured out!" He stopped, pondering. "Will the others assume that because there is no ring, this proposal is a sham?"
"Do you know who you're asking?"
"The Shepherds aren't that shallow," Blue answered, oblivious to the thief's retort. "However, the public and the court may disagree. Gods!"
Gaius exhaled sharply through his nose, tapping at the small case in his own pockets. Despite how amusing the situation was, he could tell the man was bothered by the thought as Blue started pacing in small circles around the packed supply tent. Noble marriages were more elaborate and political in nature than commoner marriages.
"I'll help you find it," Gaius said, surprising himself as the prince stopped pacing.
Blue blinked. "Really?"
"Can't a thief do something nice for their fellow comrade? Especially for the person they fancy?"
"That's not what I meant. You don't expect anything?"
"Nope, I got all I needed." Gaius slid the tent flap open, savoring Blue's bewildered look. "In any case, meet me at midday behind the arms tent."
"This is a terrible idea."
"In this camp, there's only one soldier who would keep your soiled napkins." Gaius predicted as they stood behind Wary's tent, hidden from public view. "Someone would've found it in the common areas by now, and you haven't seen it in years. The simplest route is to ask him, but you won't."
Blue grimaced. "I COULD, but he'd be more concerned about my whereabouts. If Frederick learns that I'm engaged, he'll impose royal etiquette rules and stand guard. Knowing him, he'll keep a close eye on both of us until we exchange vows, and I doubt he'll leave us alone even after that. For the time being, we'd prefer some semblance of privacy."
"Harsh."
"He does, however, look after me. As much as I despise the court's thinking, protecting the image of future leaders is critical, especially with Robin's origins. I couldn't care less about my own, but she's more likely to suffer from any ill rumors."
A touchy subject, to be sure, but Gaius could tell the prince was stalling. "If we get caught, I'll probably get butchered first. The worst thing that can happen to you is a stern talking to. Besides, he's most likely stuck in the nursing tent as a result of that nasty scratch he got, so don't get your smallclothes in a twist."
"You don't know him as well as I do. Going into private tents without permission isn't acceptable. If he catches a thief sneaking around, a stab wound would be merciful. Shouldn't I come in anyway, since he's my retainer? I'm the one trying to find this cursed ring."
"I'm sorry, Blue, but espionage and subtlety aren't your strong suits."
Blue peered over the edge, keeping an eye on the army's movements. "Keep in mind to only focus on the pouch. That's all. At the very least, we'll save some face from this craven attempt."
"That's just fear clouding your mind, Blue. What is life without risks?"
Gaius checked that the path was clear, rounded the corner, and dashed inside the tent before the prince could respond. The Ylissean knight's tent was pristine and well-kept, with only a chest of drawers, a bed, and a collection of armor in the corner. The only touches of personality were a necklace made of flowers by his bedside and some worn wiping cloths for armor around it.
Look for a silver ring engraved with the Brand of the Exalt inside a blue velvet pouch, the prince said. Easy.
Starting with the drawers, the thief searched the room, returning items that resembled nothing of the sort. Gaius was a little disappointed that the knight had nothing of genuine interest to offer, or at least nothing scandalous. Rather, he gathered a large number of fire starters, which is a little concerning, and some odd knick-knacks that he was sure belonged to the royal siblings.
Still no blue pouch.
He searched around some more, trying to keep some of Wary's privacy intact. Nothing.
Gauis whistled, alerting Blue outside. After a few tense minutes, the prince responds with his own, causing the thief to come out and return to their meeting spot. "I see nothing there. Wary is as squeaky clean as they come."
"Good. Well, unfortunate for us, but that means we don't need to keep dawdling like a pair of brigands here."
A clang of metal armor alerted them before a boastful voice called out. "Milord, I'm surprised you're here!"
"You poked the sleepy bear." Gaius muttered, tempted to sneak out.
Wary approached them, puzzledly looking at Blue. "Why are you in the private quarters, milord? Is the sandy training ground not to your liking?"
"Frederick! I've just been… patrolling! What are you doing here?"
The knight's eyes lit up. "I've been patrolling the area since this morning as well. I've counted the number of horses and pegasi still in our stables and checked in with our injured troops for morale and reassurance. Later, I'll confirm the final status of our army with the recon groups."
"You're injured and in need of rest! We've discussed this before. At length, mind you. You can take a break from your duties for a short time until you heal. We haven't even left the desert yet!"
"Nonsense, milord, my responsibilities have only grown exponentially, and there isn't a moment to waste. The wound would only impede my performance in battle, but I can still continue with the duties here. Which reminds me that I still need to write to the castle's seamstress to prepare your ceremonial garments and to the head steward to prepare the chambers for our arrival."
"By the gods, Frederick, that is a hectic schedule."
"I'll take that as a compliment, milord. Only the most formidable can withstand such obligations. Gaius, I see you're here as well." The thief, who had begun to tiptoe away from the scene, was noticed by the Ylissean knight. "I assumed you excused yourself from mess duty because you had a stomach ache. However, the healers specified that you never came by."
"I guess I'm feeling better," Gaius chuckled nervously. He's forgotten about the excuse he used to get out of the role this morning to find Blue. It was about to bite him in the arse now. "Just a good old passing of the bowels did the trick."
"Illness does not bode well for our troops; please stop by the nursing tent." Wary smiled, sending shivers down Gaius' spine.
Blue spoke up. "He's been accompanying me around since his illness has subsided. You should rest and let others continue your duties."
"I shall accompany-"
"REST."
After some deliberation, Blue finally ordered Wary to perform a "duty of relaxation". Only after the day's work was completed did they agree, and the knight departed, still slightly hesitant.
"That's one down," Gaius commented, while the prince sighed, running a hand over his face. "We still have a long way to go."
They then proceed to the Princess's tent.
"I may stoop low for a job or a mate, but even I have standards."
Blue wasn't happy about the prospect of entering his little sister's tent either. "I doubt Lissa would keep it as well. She'll be the first to blame me for losing it in the first place."
"I've searched my tent already."
"Yes, but not with a thief's eyes. Ordinary people have no idea where to hide their valuables."
"At this point, I'll just accept that it's most likely back in my chambers." At the thought, the prince's shoulders sagged, evidently exhausted.
They both sneaked inside Blue's tent, avoiding the other troops in case Wary decided to reappear. Gaius glanced around the rather lavish, possibly not by choice, tent. The thief couldn't pay much attention to the royal chambers back at Ylisstol Castle due to the chaos, but he was sure it was most likely decked out like this. Even then, the blasted tent had a dressing screen, and Blue's color prevailed, along with cream canvas and dashes of white.
"Egads. How are we supposed to find a blue pouch in this jumble of colors?"
"It may be a little excessive." Blue trailed off, tugging at his own luggage, which contained three full chests of clothing and two smaller suitcases. "I looked everywhere to no avail, but then again, I'm not one for delicate items."
Based on previous occupations, the thief already had a hint of where to hide valuables. Picking the smallest chest, Gaius rummaged through an endless amount of the finest clothes. Pinched under an array of silk blouses, a small wooden box was laid at the bottom. With steady fingers, he passed through the clothes and tugged the container upwards, leaving little trace of his involvement.
Gaius took note of the discarded box made of the finest oak the length of his forearm with a lock. Nonetheless, judging by the rusted hinges and faded brand on top, it has seen better days.
Already searched the tent, he said. Gaius didn't have to look far to find something worthwhile.
"Hello. What's this?"
Blue glanced over his shoulder, deep into a messy pile of pauldrons and folded white capes. "It's a box that was gifted to me when I was young."
"Looks old."
"It wasn't originally mine. It is passed down to each royal sibling in House Ylisse-" He stopped, and Gaius wasn't sure if it hit a nerve when Blue stopped next to him. "I can't believe I overlooked that."
Gaius raised an eyebrow while the prince continued. "It's a royal chest gifted to each member of the family. Lissa has her own box, and Frederick constantly reminds us to bring it with us. Reserved for storing family heirlooms and other such items."
"You remember this NOW?" he remarked, the day's woes aching deep into his bones. "This would've been the first place to look, Blue."
"It's not something I think about very often. I have a lot of items stored that serve no purpose other than vanity." Blue winced as he realized the terrible wording. "Not to downplay my privilege but carrying countless ceremonial staves and historical relics for a campaign at the request of the high houses and the clergy becomes exhausting after a while. It has become second nature to accept it without question or thought."
"Too much of a good thing." Gauis shrugged, shaking the lightweight container, only feeling the weight of the wood and the sound of a small clink inside. "Well, it must have been quite valuable with this lock. And you didn't even open it?"
Blue sighed. "I can't even remember the last time, and I don't possess the key right now."
"Lucky you, I have my set right here," Gaius dug into his belt, pulling out a set of lockpicks.
"That's oddly…convenient, but I see no choice."
Gaius struck the tension pick inside, scraping at the small rusty stain next to the keyhole. A little more complicated than typical mercenary chests, but Gaius Nimble Fingers has yet to encounter a lock he couldn't pick.
"This whole escapade was certainly foolish,'' Blue relented as the thief began to jiggle the latch. "I'm on the lookout for an engagement ring, ha!"
"Well, it's for the person you fancy, no?" Gauis tested the pins, switching lockpicks until he sank the first pin down.
Blue scratched the back of his neck. "I'm still unsure if to drag her into the court politics. They already have a disdain for my style of leadership and I'm part of the royal lineage. Apparently, there were some nasty rumors about her before we left."
Gaius knows the exact rumors, sympathizing. His occupation as a thief and a misspent youth was filled with one rumor after another. He couldn't compare his reputation to the most sought-after roles in Ylisse, but he was damn sure Blue and Bubbles could handle any real problems. He dipped the second pin.
"Chrom?"
Both men froze at the voice of the chief tactician outside, and they exchanged glances. A white-haired head poked inside the tent as Gaius swiftly ducked behind the changing screen.
"Uh-"
In the corner of the screen, Gaius could see Bubbles enter, looking behind before sighing in relief. "There you are. I heard you were patrolling near the living quarters like a madman from the other soldiers. Weren't you going to the training grounds today?"
"Well-I WAS originally going, but I lost something and was looking for it. We could go out to spar now if you'll like-er if you don't mind."
She came closer.
"Oh, what have you lost? I have some strategies to go over, but I can spare an hour."
"We should take it outside, it's not HERE." Blue rambled, laying it thick.
"Are you sure you're, okay? Your clothes are scattered all over the place and you seem nervous." she softly murmured; her tone concerned. "You're not hiding things again?"
Sweet cakes and gumdrops. The Gods didn't offer him mercy today, he thought, cringing. Between the prince acting like a bumbling fool and the tactician's startling affection, the thief needed an escape from the hell he'd made for himself.
Gaius distracted himself by refocusing on the rusty lock. Placing the small chest between his knees and his ear to the wood, he began to gradually try to open the lock.
"No! It's just that I worry for the ring-"
He wedged the lockpick up and down, listening for the clicks.
"You're doing all this for the engagement ring?" Bubbles shuffled around some more. I told you I'm fine without it; after all, it was just an engagement ring, right? I can wait till we reach Ylisse to find it."
The thief moved fast, missing only the last two pins.
"It's just to formalize the process beforehand. That sort of thing a lady of the court would want."
Missed the last one. One more time.
"Pfft. I think we passed that point long ago." As she laughed, her voice rang out joyfully. "Of course, it's nice that you thought so. We can ask the rest if they saw it."
The locking mechanism opened with a click. With a soft creak, Gaius opened it to find a yellowed letter addressed to Chrom with a fancy script and sealed in the royal wax seal. Along with a small blue pouch.
Bingo.
"I'll look like a fool, but if that's what- Er, Robin, why are you pulling out-? "
Following a quick boot step, Gaius went on the defensive. When the tactician appeared behind the screen, she had a murderous expression on her face that was rarely seen outside of combat. The thief rolled to the side instinctively as Blue yanked her back, arms locked around her waist.
"A little too close for comfort," the thief swallowed, shooting a glare at the prince.
"GAIUS"
Bubbles smacked her tome closed, the spell script still running around her fingers. "I expected an assassin, you imbecile!" Her warm demeanor had given way to an angry and rather embarrassed soldier. Recovering from the initial scare, Bubbles paused before narrowing her eyes. "You SPIED on us?"
"More than you'll know- OW!" With the tip of her boot, she kicked him in the softest part of his gut. He was certain that this was unbecoming of a future queen. "Crivens. It was an accident; I'm not a perverted old man."
"Why didn't you say anything, you craven? This is a PRIVATE tent. Any sane person would at the very least notify others that they were present."
With no care for his own life, Gaius smiled. "I can say the same for you."
"That's it-"
The prince interrupted before Bubbles could try again. "It's alright, Robin! He's with me."
"Wait, did you YOU know he was here?" she said, glancing at Blue, who still held her in his grip.
"Um-yes. He was helping me."
"In what way? He was hiding behind the screen."
"The ring."
"The RING? You could have simply told me. I almost shot him!" Bubbles said as her partner released her, turning around as she placed her hand on his bare arm. She glanced at Gaius, avoiding any eye contact with the thief, and tugged at the cowl of her coat. "Oh gods, you know, don't you?"
"He offered to assist, so I accepted." Blue asserted, leaving out how the thief discovered the information in the first place, and the thief gave a small thumbs up from behind the tactician's back. "We've been trying to find this blasted ring for the remainder of the day."
"Idiotic. That was one harebrained scheme." Despite her words, she sounded more amused than anything else.
Gaius cleared his throat to alert them to his presence before the thief witnessed any more of their private moments. They both turned to him while the thief brushed himself off the ground. "I gotta say congrats Bubbles. With all these rumors, I thought I was wrong."
"Rumors?! Are we THAT obvious?" Bubbles practically squeaked, and Blue patted her back with a similar expression as she mumbled about blackmail.
If Gaius really wanted to get kicked again, he would've told them about the ongoing bet with a few key Shepherds as well. "Nobody knows for certain. For now, half of the camp has some inkling or suspicion. You two were always thick as thieves in and out of the battlefield, so it was just a matter of time before even Sir Wary noticed. Then, there was the one day that Blue ran away like a madman across camp with you yelling, and that stirred the pot."
Bubbles raised her hand, her cheeks flushed. "That's more than enough. If you keep quiet, I'll lift the ban on sweets in our private tents."
The prince gawked at her, while the thief began to nod his head. "Robin, Gaius isn't going to reveal our secrets. We are going to announce it anyway."
"You heard the lady." Gaius smirked, oddly proud that she learned from their last exchange. They'll always want payback down the line, he recalled saying. It was worth it to die at her hands. Almost.
She retorted, "Only after we leave the desert lands. We can't have the militia quarters infested with pests when we return to Ylisse for the welcoming ceremony."
"Deal."
"This is absurd." The prince shook his head, lost in the conversation. With the potential crisis averted, Gaius handed the opened box to Blue, whose eyes widened at the contents. Bubbles glanced quizzically at her partner and then at the branded chest.
Blue skimmed the letter heading, a frown passing by before focusing on the velvet pouch. He stepped away from the tactician's side and placed the box on his cot, taking the blue pouch and shaking the contents into his gloved palm.
A silver signet ring engraved with Naga's brand.
Bubbles noticed it, putting a hand over her mouth. "Oh."
The couple made eye contact, and knowing his time was up, Gaius discreetly scrambled to the exit.
Blue's head shot up, noticing the fleeing thief. He seemed to hesitate for a moment before saying, "Thank you, Gaius. Truly."
"No need," This was getting too mushy for his taste. Gaius used to be able to count the number of times he'd been thanked rather than threatened on one hand, but that number has skyrocketed since he joined. He still wasn't sure how to take it. "I already got my payment and am developing new bruises to boot."
Nonetheless, he couldn't help but add one more teasing remark to the fawning lovebirds now that Bubbles was out of range. "Still, should we expect a Blue Junior or a Bubbles Junior on the horizon? I'd like to place a bet-"
"OUT"
Gaius whistled an old tavern song, tucking his hair behind his ear. With the ring fiasco behind him and the possibility of further embarrassment averted, the thief was free to roam around. Regardless of the problems those two caused him, he was genuinely happy they were finally together. The treacle tart he'd just snatched and eaten with relish from the barracks didn't hurt either.
If only B and B announced their marriage sooner rather than later, she would be able to move on from the prince. That would've been the cherry on top of this day.
The thief took out the box from his pocket, snapping it open and admiring the piece before stuffing it back. It wasn't a big rock or anything near noble, but he hoped the sentimental value of making it himself was enough. Gaius certainly didn't have multiple rings at his disposal or a fancy family crest on it. After all, he was just a lowly thief, not a dashing prince.
But, at the very least, he had a ring prepared for the proposal.
Gaius could only hope that she'd say yes.
Author's Notes: This one was a struggle. Indeed, an "Attempt at Humor." This was more of a filler and practice piece for me before diving into my more thought-out works. I liked the premise a lot, but then I kept going and it wasn't coming out how I hoped. I became so frustrated at one point that I left it sitting in my folder, and as a result, I missed my original deadline. I guess pure humor isn't my strength. At least I tried!
On a side-note: Nice! A new Warriors game with the Three Houses gang. I haven't played the original FE:Warriors yet because the gameplay is a little too repetitive for my liking, but maybe in the future.
