Chapter 35
BushClan/Icepaw
Two sunrises had passed and with it the sunlight seemed to grow stronger just like the Clan around her. Pigeonstream was back on his feet, hunting and helping Rubypaw continue his training alongside Morningstar who was quick to keep Crowpaw busy. Twilightsky and Jaggedcloud were the least wounded and were helping rebuild nests and dens, while Foxgaze and Tumbleheart were in the medicine den to rest and heal.
Blackdapple had taken over as deputy and she did a splendid job by having the kits and queens pitch in by having Lightkit, Amberkit, and Maplekit keep an eye on the fresh-kill pile and standing guard over it. Birdkit, Cinderkit, and their healthy litter-mate, Bubblekit, were helping the older queens by fetching the moss Poppyclaw had gathered while he made sure they weren't soaking wet.
Talonshine and Shadewhisker, the two elders, were supervising the camp to make sure no kit ran off. Even though there had been no sign of the foxes, they had to remain vigilant to protect the youngest of their Clan. Despite their age, she could feel their paternal instinct as they sat still. Icepaw often visited them so they could tell her about how the camp is recovering so she could inform her two patients.
Flametuft and Turtlesplash were working hard somewhere in the clearing, possibly getting the warriors and apprentices dens fixed up while new nests were made in preparation of newleaf. It was their tradition to clear out the nests completely for a new season, just to insure that the branches they used to make the skeleton of the nest would be fresh and not dampened by snow, rain, frost, or even brittle from the heat.
Yet, here Icepaw was impatiently waiting, her tail tip twitching nervously. Five more moonrises and her medicine cat name would be given to her. After many moons of searching her place and trusting Nightstar to help her when she was so young. A moon earlier then any apprentice before her. Then her sight began to fail and she became a medicine cat apprentice after loosing her mother.
The darkness that filled her, the anxiety that ate away at her for those long moons. The fresh scent of thyme in their stores had soothed her, she never took any was the cold leafbare inside her mind slowly thawed and gave way to a newleaf as she learned where her talents lay. Now, it was a wonder if it was StarClan making sure they had a medicine cat. Sure she wasn't confident in her abilities, but in her heart she had always wanted to be a warrior and have her own kits. Yet, she also understood that her path was just as important.
In the medicine den Foxgaze was in a deep sleep, which was lucky for her poor ears. The tom was lively, granted he was a young warrior who wanted to hunt and fight for his Clan. Despite all of his loyalty, he was still a pain in the tail. Even Icepaw had to fight the urge to give him more then the two poppy seeds he needed. Personally aggressive cats made her skin crawl, but she supposed that every Clan had one or more. She just prayed to StarClan that the tom would at least mellow out more.
The only cat in her care that didn't bother her as much was Tumbleheart, the warrior was several moons older than herself, but she was more gentle and thoughtful then the tom. Her green eyes glinting even in the dimmed light of the underground den. She at least kept her company, reminding her on how well Tumbleheart had taken care of her as an apprentice. Always making sure she was safe and keeping close. Now, with their paws on different paths they were hardly together anymore.
No matter how much the shadows danced in her eyes, Icepaw could plainly sense the affection her friend had for her own apprentice, Rubypaw. The tom was around Tumbleheart's age, giving Icepaw a sense that she may have slowly fallen for him during her travels. Yet, with their positions as mentor and apprentice, it was obvious the she-cat was keeping her affections in check in order to not loose her apprentice.
"So what will you do first as a full fledged medicine cat?" her friend asked as she padded in from getting an update on the camp.
"What do you mean?" Icepaw inquired, confusion filling her at being snapped out of her thoughts. "If you and Foxgaze are still in here I would be treating you."
"What if we weren't though? You said we are healing well." Tumbleheart pressed, her nest gentle rustling as she shifted.
Icepaw thought hard, other then Poppyclaw telling Morningstar and letting the announcement spread like wildfire around the camp of her new status and Poppyclaw stepping down, she wasn't sure. She was young, possibly never done learning from her mentor even though he felt he should step down. Sure he would still help, but she would be alone in the den and slowly cut off by the older and wiser tom.
"Probably wish Poppyclaw could still be a medicine cat with me." Icepaw confessed, "I still feel like I have plenty more to learn despite being six moons when I was made into his apprentice."
"I'm sure StarClan may watch over you and help you when they can." Tumbleheart mewed to her gently, "I mean, they have for Poppyclaw so I don't see why they wouldn't."
"I know, I just would like more time to learn along side him. I know I'm not entirely useless, but to have him by my side to the Moonstone, I would feel safer. I mean, I only defended Bubblekit and Pigeonstream because Bubblekit told me to aim higher. I would have done it myself eventually, but with his help I was able to do something. to protect us." Icepaw confided, approaching her friend.
"If you have more practice fighting you could fend for yourself." Tumbleheart suggested, "Perhaps Poppyclaw could try that."
"I don't think it would help any." Icepaw reflected aloud. "I've never heard of a blind cat being able to fight or anything."
"So? I never heard of a tom having another tom for a mate, but if it happens it certainly can't be the first time." Tumbleheart pointed out, "Just as my father was a kittypet turned loner before becoming a Clan-cat."
Icepaw nodded slightly, feeling a little consoled, but no more then the usual. Every time she dreamed of StarClan they never quite gave her answers nor solutions. It was as though they have decided to let them lead their life as their own rather the have them tell them what to do like kittypets. Never once had they guided her, they simply tell her to believe in herself more.
Unless, Icepaw suddenly thought, that was how they were guiding me to finding me. She stretched her senses as far as she could as she began to move again to look over what herbs she still had. According to Poppyclaw, Willow was healing and growing stronger. He would have scars, but he would live. She just had to make sure the store was split evenly so that Willow could still have herbs should he still need it, or even Hawksight for keeping put away for emergencies.
If StarClan had been wanting her to find confidence in herself it had worked, but she wished that somehow, someway she could have became a warrior instead. Gently moving a paw over the herbs, feeling the leaf wraps for Willow and the ones for Foxgaze and Tumbleheart. She knew what she was doing despite her disability and she had learned to conquer the darkness inside her mind and heart. The jealousy of how her siblings could become warriors, how everyone around her can see and be themselves.
By no means had her jealousy vanished, but it was more understood and put into its place deep within her heart. Even now, she still had envy for the sighted she just knew how to control it well. Envy wouldn't save her Clan-mates from succumbing to their infections. However, her skills in being a medicine cat made her able to look past what every sighted cat had known. Every breeze brought the world to her nose and every rustle opened her senses further.
Perhaps her friend had been right, she would need to learn about fighting more to protect her store and her patients. Twitching her whiskers, she hoped that Foxgaze and Tumbleheart would be able to go back to their duties so Poppyclaw could teach her more about fighting. She needed it to be better prepared, all her training in the past had stuck, but it had been moons since she had last done any battle training. She can recall it, but to put it into practice with her sight problems was a different story.
With a heavy sigh, she turned back to where Tumbleheart's nest was and spoke up at last. "I'll ask him to do some battle training as soon as you and Foxgaze are well enough."
A shift moved somewhere closer to her, alerting her to Foxgaze waking up from his slumber. "A blind cat taking battle training? Are you even going to be able to?" His voice was deep with sleep, obviously struggling to wake up.
Icepaw flicked her tail. "Well, it never hurts for me to try and adjust to my loss of sight. I remember how to fight from my first moon of warrior training, but it is difficult for me to remember how to do it when I can't see very well."
"I figure it was like walking." Foxgaze pointed out, sounding more awake. "Or even like talking, just comes naturally."
"I suppose it does." Icepaw conceded, "I just feel like I need the extra help and since Poppyclaw is still my mentor, I should at least get it from him before the half moon comes. When that happens, he will step down, all because you and Applemist lost Blazekit."
Silence met her words, she spoke more softly and gently. "I always thought I would have many more moons to learn from him, but ever since that declaration." She looked more into Foxgaze's direction and reminded him gently, holding back the bitter feeling in her heart. "Oh, I do not blame you or Applemist. I could never, it was his decision so you both would feel more comfortable and to honor StarClan's teachings."
Whether this placed a seed of guilt into the tom or not, she didn't know. All she knew was, neither of them thought about what would be best for her. So why should she place the blame on them when she can speak what she wished so dearly as a gentle reminder of what she was loosing? She saw no harm in it as she began to check Foxgaze's injuries. The silence stretched on and on, no word of apology, there was nothing Foxgaze could say that would solve the conclusion that was to come.
The only other cat that spoke was Tumbleheart, trying to keep a cheerful light in the medicine den. Yet, Icepaw knew that her wishes had dampened the exciting news of the frost slowly receding. It wouldn't be long until newleaf officially arrived with new growth. The brittle branches clattered as the wind picked up outside. She could imagine the clouds rolling across the blue sky, golden rays of the sunlight desperately trying to warm the earth.
Just like how her own heart was suffering through the constant turmoil between accepting her duty and destiny, and the kit inside her that cried desperately for help and guidance. Closing her eyes, she tried to steady herself. The darkness of leafbare were closing in on her heart and mind all over again. Shakily, she went to the herb store seeking out the scent of thyme. When she found it, she took a leaf, remembering it was to soothe anxiety, shock, and nervousness; and chewed on it until the juices within it could be swallowed.
As she spat out the leaf pulp, a voice speaking up through the muddled darkness that was threatening to over take her. "Is she supposed to be doing that?" It was Foxgaze, possibly appalled that she had chewed up a valuable herb.
However, she ignored him, digging a small hole before burying the leaf pulp. Taking a deep breath, she turned back to them to address what she had just done. "It's an experiment on myself. The leaf I chewed up was thyme, it is said to soothe nervousness, shock, and anxiety. I want to see if, I absolutely have to in the future, that it will cure the anxiety deep inside myself."
"Are you supposed to be doing that though?" Tumbleheart asked, her mew more curious then judgemental.
"No, but I figure it wouldn't hurt to take one leaf. I would never take more than that." Icepaw pointed out briskly, "After all, if it does solve what I feel inside then maybe it will be helpful in the future when I absolutely need it."
"If it helps." Foxgaze relented softly, sounding more hushed compared to before.
She shrugged it off as she stepped around the den to go back to checking his wounds. There was still no sign of infection. Which was a good thing, but she was still concerned as she removed the old salve and prepared a new batch while it was uncovered. Once she was finished, she licked it into his injuries before placing cobwebs over it to keep it in place should the tom move.
Satisfied, she went to check on Tumbleheart to check on her injuries. The den was more quiet. A cat padded in, Crowpaw carrying some fresh-kill according to Icepaw's nose, she twitched her ears in greeting as she kept carefully tending to her friend. A purr erupted from Tumbleheart as she worked, allowing her to eaves drop on their budding relationship as father and daughter.
"Did you catch this yourself? Both of them?" Tumbleheart had asked.
"I caught the mouse." Crowpaw admitted, "It's not the biggest, not like Morningstar's pigeon, but I figured you both would need the prey to keep getting stronger."
"Thank you." she mewed, before her nest rustled. "Foxgaze, would you like to pick what you want?"
Foxgaze grunted. "It doesn't matter to me, scrawny mouse or pigeon, I'll eat anything."
"Alright." Tumbleheart murmured, looking to Crowpaw. "You can decide then. You brought them after all."
Icepaw listened as Crowpaw fought with indecision. Until, at least, she heard a rustle of feathers and pawsteps scuffing their way to Foxgaze before a soft plop of the pigeon sounded. "I figured you might want this. You may say it doesn't matter to you, but I can tell you want this one so you can have the feather's for your mate's new nest."
"Thank you." Foxgaze murmured, sounding a little embarrassed.
Perhaps, her judgement of Foxgaze had been unfounded. After all, he could be just trying to back his mate up and thinking of her more then himself. Whatever the reason, it still made her bitter on the inside. So bitter that she wanted to never feel it again. Soon, Morningstar paid a visit, carrying some prey for her as she finished tending to Tumbleheart. At long last she had prey to fill her belly.
It would not be long until this was the norm. A den where she was all alone and wishing for more time that she could not have. Yet, each bite she took seemed to draw her further and further away from the darkness inside her heart. Soon, it was like it vanished, like the night giving way to day. The cold leafbare that dared to resurface and left behind a warm newleaf.
No matter what happened, this is Poppyclaw's choice. Icepaw reminded herself. I can only respect it and accept it. I may not feel ready, but he will always be there for me if I ask. I know he will be, after all, I am one of the kits who grew up in his care ever since I was kitted.
Author Note:
For reference, I base her shyness and anxiety on my own. I have gone through panic attacks over and over ever since I was very young. I always thought it was because I was just very shy. In the end it was more then that and it built up over time until I got so physically sick, eating was no longer an option.
Eventually, I was prescribed medicine and it helped me get over the panic attacks I had from even eating. So, since this was a serious and major revelation in my life back in January 2014, I ended up giving Icepaw this so I can "heal" from the darkness I now feel from knowing I had been alone in my battles for so long. She will always have this battle, nothing can truly make anxiety and it's panic attacks go away forever. But this is just a piece of her character and even though it tries to take over, like it does to me, she will overcome it time and time again no matter how low she may fell herself fall within it.
Thank you for reading and having a wonderful day/night. Continue to critique me, the characters and help me grow as a writer so I may do better. - NightSky
