Chapter 3:
It all felt so surreal.
On their way down, Ellie tried to sort her thoughts, recollecting what had happened and understanding that it wasn't just a horrible dream.
She had found her friend – there was no doubt in her mind anymore that he was just that – she had found him at his lowest, vulnerable and hurt, and she sat with him at the edge of Broadchurch's highest clifftop, talking him down from ending his life. She had been sitting at the edge herself! One false step and they both could've fallen to their deaths.
Ellie suppressed a violent shiver and a sob by clenching her fists. Alec next to her was silent. She knew that it wasn't over yet. It must be loud in his mind. Voices telling him to run away, to give up. Voices, mocking him for trying, for believing. Ellie had to be on high alert, looking for changes in his features so she could sense when it was right to talk and when it was better to stay silent.
She couldn't break down just yet.
Alec's house came into view. The light over the dining table that had ultimately led her to him, greeted them from afar. It felt comforting somehow. It was leading him home… although, Ellie understood now, that it probably never felt like home to him. It was just the place where he could hide from the world how broken he really was.
They entered the house. Ellie hadn't closed the door, either, when she'd run out to find him. Alec slowly looked around in his living room as if it was completely strange to him. He probably thought he'd never see it again.
Ellie swallowed another sob and spoke up. "Go and grab a few things. Toothbrush, pyjama, whatever you need." Alec looked at her confused. "I'm not going to let you stay alone tonight." she explained. "You're coming back to my house."
A frown on his face. "No, you don't have to-"
"Don't bother arguing. You're coming with me." Ellie said soft but sternly. "Now go get your things. I'm waiting here for you."
Alec ceased his protest without another word, then, slowly, he shuffled down the hallway. Ellie kept listening for him while she was waiting, not once turning her attention away. His compliance scared her. Where was the grumbling, the stubbornness that drove her crazy so often before? She hoped to god that he'd be able to regain it or she feared that this wouldn't be her last trip to the cliffs.
Ellie noticed that her hands were shaking and she squeezed them together. She started tidying things that were already tidy. In her desperate search to keep her hands busy, she grabbed Alec's coat and his mobile inside the pocket to take it with her. She turned around when she heard him come closer.
Alec was back in the living room, clutching a small overnight bag to his chest and looking terribly lost and alone. Ellie hid the tears that were brimming in her eyes behind a gentle smile. "Ready? Alright then, let's go."
She held onto his arm as she was leading him to her car; he had started to sway and shiver again. He must be so exhausted? When was the last time he ate something? Ellie didn't dare to ask these questions aloud. He seemed to be so far away with his thoughts. The whole drive Alec held tightly onto his bag, as if it was giving him comfort, and stared out the window. The muscles of his face weren't contorted in pain anymore, but rather slack and emotionless. Ellie tried to find words of solace but nothing came to mind.
They entered her house a little later. It was laying in darkness. Ellie took a glance at her watch, realizing that it was already past midnight. How long has she been sitting up there on the cliff?
"Will you be okay waiting here for a minute while I check on the boys?" Ellie asked.
Alec nodded once. "Sure." he mumbled.
She let her gaze linger on him, uncertain if it was safe to trust him right now. "Okay." she said reluctantly. "Don't go away." she then added quickly and hoped it wasn't too obvious how much she hurried to get upstairs. The door to Tom's room was still ajar and the lights were off. Fred was slumbering peacefully next door. Ellie also took a quick, scrutinizing look into her bedroom to see if it was tidy then she returned back to Alec.
He hadn't moved at all from the spot where she'd left him. Absent-mindedly, he was looking around and back to her as he apparently heard her coming closer, awaiting further instructions. As if his brush with death had made him forget all rules of living.
"Alright, you'll be sleeping in the bedroom. I'll take the couch."
"No, no, you should have your own bed. I'll be fine." Alec rushed his words. He sounded like he wasn't even believing them himself.
"You need to rest properly." Ellie insisted. "You look utterly exhausted and you're still cold. I can see you shiver. Also… I know I'm going to sleep better, knowing that you'd have to go past me first to reach the exit." she added her eyes cast downwards.
A long, embarrassed silence spread. But, suddenly, he answered in the most unexpected way possible:
"Don't fuss, Miller."
Their eyes met promptly. Those words were spoken in his familiar, old gruffness, as if everything was completely normal and fine. His sad eyes contradicted his apparent nonchalance, but he held her gaze. Ellie managed to smile. Alec had said this just for her. To make her feel better. Even in his battered state he still managed to look out for her.
Ellie suddenly remembered how much she used to hate her boss when he first arrived here and now she was amazed how wrong she had been about him. Alec Hardy was truly a good man.
"You can have the bathroom first while I make the bed." she mumbled distractedly and bustled up the stairs to hide the wetness shining in her eyes. Quietly, they followed their respective nightly routine. When it was Ellie's turn in the bathroom she was shocked, but not surprised, as she saw the dark circles under her eyes, accentuated by the pallor of her skin.
Oh, what a day that was.
She tiptoed towards her bedroom once more to check on her friend and found him clad in a grey shirt and long pyjama bottoms, sitting at the edge of her bed, his back towards her.
His shoulders were shaking. Sobs bubbling quiet, but audibly.
Carefully, Ellie stepped inside. Alec was holding the picture of Daisy in his hands again, tears dripping from his chin. She must've made some kind of noise because he suddenly turned around. He wiped the tears away, but he didn't force her to leave. In his desperate eyes she could see him plead: To keep her promise to help him. To prove to him that stepping down from that cliff tonight was the right decision. Hoping that he put his fragile trust in the right person for once.
Ellie moved closer, gently taking the photo from his hands and leaning it against a framed picture of her boys that she kept on her bedside table. She urged him to go under the covers and again he complied easily.
"Try to get some sleep." she said. "I know it's hard but at least try to rest. I'll be there for you tomorrow. We're going to get through this, okay? I promise." He nodded slightly and she turned out the light by the bed, standing to leave the room.
"Ellie?"
Oh, how it broke her heart when he called her Ellie. "Yah?" she said, a lump in her throat.
"Sorry... for yelling earlier today."
Tears welled up. "It's alright." she assured him quickly. There was silence for a heartbeat, but she could sense that he wasn't done talking yet.
"And I... I also wanted to say... thank you." He met her eyes in the semi-darkness of the room.
Ellie swallowed. "You're welcome." she said. Then, quickly, she went downstairs, threw herself onto the sofa and – finally – proceeded to cry herself to sleep.
"Mummy!"
Morning came definitely way too soon Ellie decided groggily as she heard Fred call for her. With heavy limbs she stretched her arm over, intending to pat the free half of her bed for her son. But her hand only met with thin air… and the coffee table.
Ugh, did I fall asleep on the couch again, she wondered. Oh, right… I offered the bed to-
Ellie's eyes shot open. "Oh, shit!" she cursed, scrambling up from the sofa and quickly up the stairs. "Fred! Freddy, wait! Mummy's down here." she whispered loudly. But it was too late.
Her three-year-old son stood in the doorway to her bedroom, staring at a wide-eyed, disoriented and somewhat horrified-looking Alec Hardy.
"Uncle Alec? Why you sleep in Mummy's bed?"
He blinked. "Ah, I… I…"
"We were having a sleepover, sweetie." Ellie interjected quickly. "Like you sometimes have at grandad's, you know?"
"Oh…" said Fred contemplatively. "Why didn't Mummy sleep here, too?"
Alec's eyes widened even more and one of his hands ruffled backwards through his hair in embarrassment. His speech didn't go beyond a stutter.
"Mummy fell asleep on the couch." Ellie suggested, but Fred wasn't really listening anymore. He took a few tentative steps into the room, giggling as he stood before Alec who now looked very confused.
"What?" he asked.
"Your hair looks funny." said Fred, pointing at the wildly upturned quiff caused by Alec's nervous back to front combing and he giggled some more.
For a second Alec seemed oddly offended by this innocent mockery, but then he snorted in real amusement, intentionally running his fingers through his disarrayed bed-hair again to mess it up even more. A weight lifted from Ellie's heart; he was able to smile after yesterday's horrible night. Apparently, a child's innocence can do that to people. Even to her heartbroken boss.
"You've got some funny hair, too." said Alec softly. "Look at all those curls." He ruffled the boy's hair lightly and Fred was actually laughing now, playfully shaking Alec's hand away. "You look like your mother." he said.
The tender interaction made Ellie smile. Up until yesterday she'd have never imagined that Alec Hardy would be good with kids. But today this wasn't surprising her anymore. She'd seen how deeply he cared about his own daughter and how much he was driven to despair because he was denied her love and company. "Come now, Freddy." Ellie told her little one. "It's still early. Uncle Alec needs to sleep more."
"Noo, I wanna stay with him." Fred whined.
"I tell you what," said Ellie. "You help me prepare breakfast so we can all eat together and maybe afterwards…" Ellie tentatively glanced at Alec to see his reaction. "He'll be up to play with you some more."
"Yay!" Fred cheered and quickly dashed out of the room, presumably to start the task he was just given.
Alec gazed after him; he still seemed to be in mild shock. Not because of Ellie's suggestion to interact more with him later, no, he seemed more puzzled about the fact that the boy was so happy to spend time with him. Ellie smiled.
Fred had always been closer to his father than to her. Back in her old life, when everything was still good, she didn't mind that. But when it all fell apart Fred missed his dad and he latched onto the next-best male figure around. Given the amount of time they spent together reopening the Sandbrook case that person happened to be Alec Hardy.
"He likes you." she said.
Alec blinked and looked at her. "Hm." he mumbled shortly. "I guess."
"Sorry he woke you. I heard him call but I was too slow to stop him."
"It's fine." said Alec. "He's quite alright."
"Of course, he is. He's my son." Ellie grinned and she got rewarded with a tentative, little half-smile. "That wasn't just a suggestion, by the way. You're going to eat breakfast with us. I'm worried about your health. When was the last time you've eaten something?"
Alec's face tensed and darkened again. An automatic reaction to her fussing, but by getting him to think about yesterday, this also must've stirred some unwanted, scary memories in his mind. He didn't answer her question.
Ellie swallowed and dropped her head, regretting angrily that she had wiped that rare smile off his face. But she had to ask, hadn't she? "Anyway… rest a bit more, okay? We get you when we're ready."
He was still staring ahead, seemingly unseeing. Trapped in the cage of his dark mind.
"It's gonna be okay." Ellie spoke up once more. He'd heard her this time. Looking up, jaw tensed, he nodded at her. Ellie smiled, hoping that it seemed genuine and encouraging, then she left the room.
A bit later – breakfast was ready and Ellie and Fred were already sitting at the table – the sheepish, lanky frame of her boss awkwardly made an appearance. Ellie could see that he was clearly just about ready to jump out of his own skin because he felt so uncomfortable, so she quickly ushered him to sit down with them before he could make up his mind and tell her he would leave.
He took the offered chair, gingerly. Every little movement of his seemed to be carefully planned but still unsure. Fred didn't notice any of the tension and Ellie did her best to make this morning feel normal. So she chatted. Probably a bit too much. But Alec didn't complain; he just nodded along while munching slowly on a slice of plain bread.
It was a blessing that it was Saturday and they didn't have to rush anywhere. As per usual on weekends, Tom didn't show up for breakfast until everyone else was already finished and when he did finally scuffle downstairs and saw Alec Hardy at the table, he immediately froze on the spot, his eyes widening almost frightened.
"What is he doing here?" he blurted out while hurriedly stuffing his phone into his pocket.
"Is that how you greet a house guest?" Ellie warned sternly.
Tom blinked at her incredulously, fleetingly looked at Alec and then back at his mum. "Seriously, what is he doing here?" he repeated a bit calmer which was probably the most polite he can get.
Ellie picked her words carefully. Unlike Fred, Tom was old enough to spot the lie. He would definitely ask questions later. "DI Hardy wasn't feeling well. I invited him to make sure he'll be alright."
Tom was eyeing Alec warily. The detective held Tom's gaze but he didn't say a word.
"He's watching cartoons with me now." announced Fred into the heavy silence of the room. "Right, Mummy?"
Ellie smiled at her little one, thankful for the diversion. "Yes, love, why don't you ask him?"
"Can we Uncle Alec? Please, please?" Fred immediately begged, using every ounce of his boyish charm. It didn't take long until Alec caved.
"Ah… sure, alright." he said.
Fred beamed excitedly, grabbed Alec's hand without hesitance and dragged him along into the living room. Ellie looked after them, glad that the positive spirit of her son could distract her boss from his troubles for now. Then her smile hardened a bit as she recognized the curious look in her older son's eyes and she readied herself for the questioning.
"So…" Tom started while casually smearing a thick layer of jam onto his toast. "What is he really doing here?"
Ellie took a sip of her tea, reminding herself not to be too short with Tom or he would get snippy, too. "I told you, he's not feeling well. That much is true."
"Why? What's wrong?"
"Tom, that's really none of your business. He almost bit my head off for meddling, but it was necessary and I'll leave it at that."
Tom looked at her pensively and then narrowed his eyes. "Is that why you went out yesterday? Did he spent the night?"
"Oh, for Christ's sake, Tom!" Ellie snapped, fighting to keep her voice down. "Yes, I went out to see if he's alright and found that he wasn't, so I let him stay. I slept on the couch if that's what you're worrying about. Now stop being so difficult and behave yourself! He's a good man and he needs our help."
"Our help?" Tom repeated dumbfounded.
"Yes, our help!" Ellie stressed. "Because I'm going to need to go away for a few hours to clear something up and he can't be part of that. So, I need you to make sure he stays here." Tom's eyes widened, ready to complain, but Ellie took him by his arms, looking at him intensely. "Tom, this is really serious. I need to do this or else he might-"
She swallowed harshly, trying to keep her emotions in check. But Tom must've noticed. He looked scared now and no longer angry or suspicious. "Please, just stay in and watch him." said Ellie. "He's not sick or anything, he's just… a little vulnerable right now. I'm sure Fred will entertain him for most of the time anyway, so you don't even have to talk to him. Just call me if he does leave the house alone."
Nervously, Tom chewed on his lip. "How should I even stop him? He's the police." he worried helplessly.
"He's still a human being!" Ellie told him a little exasperated. "I'm leaving him with Fred, mind you, he's not that intimidating. You don't have to physically stop him, just call me. I'll talk to him, too, make sure he behaves himself, okay?"
Tom frowned, still unhappy, but he agreed with a small nod of his head.
"Thank you, baby. You're a tremendous help, you know that, right?" She kissed his cheek. Tom still looked downwards, nodding again. "I love you. Finish your breakfast. It'll be alright, okay?"
After retreating for a bit, getting herself ready and convincing herself to believe in the shallow words of reassurance she's been telling everyone this morning, Ellie stepped into the living room to inform Alec of her plan. Briefly, she wondered if she was acting too hasty, but she surely couldn't keep him under lock and key for very long. So this would be her course of action.
Alec was sitting on the sofa, mindlessly watching the telly where a cartoon version of Doctor Who seemed to be playing. Fred was completely mesmerized and didn't even realize that his mum stood in the doorway, beckoning Alec over to her.
"I'll drive to Sandbrook now. I thought it best to deal with this right away rather than leaving it to fate. I'm putting you in charge of my boys." Ellie purposely fired her sentences really quick so Alec wouldn't have time to overthink anything. Predictably, it led to blank horror on his face.
"What?!" he exclaimed, eyes round and fearful. "You're driving over to- I thought you'd call her or something?!"
Ellie pulled him into the hallway so Fred wouldn't hear them. "This is much too important. I wanna talk to Tess face-to-face."
"And your kids?" Alec spluttered anxiously.
"You don't have to do much." she calmly replied. "They'll be good. Just watch some telly with Fred or read him some stories. He'll tell you what he likes. Just make sure he eats something later. You can have something delivered. Flyers and money are in the kitchen. And if you don't know something, ask Tom. He'll stay in, I already talked to him."
Alec tensed up. "What did you tell him?"
"Nothing specific, don't worry. I asked him to see that you're not leaving the house on your own."
A deep, tormented sigh left his lungs. "Ellie-"
"It's for your own good." she immediately stated. "I can't look after you when I'm hours away."
"So let me go."
Ellie's breath stopped shortly. It felt like someone had dropped a heavy, cold stone in the pit of her stomach; a cruel reminder that he was still having all these dark thoughts.
She wanted to cry and shake him out of his dangerous frame of mind, but she refrained, afraid of pushing him away from her. "We went over this." she instead told him softly. "I won't let you go without a fight. You were there for me when my family fell apart. I know I was kicking and screaming, but you stayed with me. Believed in me. I don't think I even thanked you for what you did." she remembered regretfully and Alec looked downwards, not saying a word.
"Now, I'll be there for you." Ellie continued. "Whether you want it or not. Because I know that it's not fair and deep down you know it, too." She dropped her voice to a whisper. "You're punishing yourself for something your ex-wife has done. And if she, apparently, can't live with the consequences of her mistake, how can she expect you to do it? It's not right." she held fiercely.
Alec leaned his back against the wall, face tilted upwards to keep his tears in. His knees were wobbling, as were his lips. Ellie knew that he was fighting against the urge to just slide down and keep sitting there until someone would come and pull him back up again. She held onto his arms, steadying him.
"It's okay." she promised. "The way you're feeling right now... it's okay. I know you can find your way out of this... if you let me help you."
He clenched his teeth and his fists were trembling. No tears, though; he refused to show weakness today. Alec nodded. "C-Can't someone else watch your kids?" he asked then. "Your father maybe or your sister?"
Ellie shook her head. "Not today. I think this will do you good. Fred will keep your spirits up. You take care of him and he'll take care of you. Trust me, you'll be fine. I never thought I'd say this but you're really good with him."
He snorted, attempting to find humour in this situation. "Surprised you, eh?"
"Quite a bit, yah." Ellie grinned.
He grumbled something unintelligible but moved away from the wall. For a moment he just stood there, as if he wanted to make sure that he was able to stand on his own two feet without swaying. He nodded again. "Tell me as soon as you get there." he rumbled in his deep Scottish accent.
"I will, I promise." said Ellie in relief, jubilating inwardly. I actually did it, I convinced him to stay. Ellie felt a wave of pride that her boss… that her friend trusted her to handle this delicate family situation. "I'll make this right, you'll see." she said. "You will get your daughter back."
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