That night I couldn't sleep. I missed the quietness of Victors Village back home. Instead, I'm stuck in the Capitol on the night before the hungergames. Where the citizens here think that it's an open invitation to parade and chant all night in-front of the tribute centre. The tribute centre in which I fucking sleep!. I screamed into my pillow in an effort to drown out the noise.

Not that I'd be able to sleep anyways. Obviously I'm a nervous wreck. And scared. And picturing a thousand ways I'm going to die. There's sword, knife, trident, arrow or the old starvation and dehydration. Any really would do the trick. But what's worse is that I can't get my brain to stop panicking enough to sleep. I know I need to sleep now more than ever. If I sleep in the arena then I'm vulnerable and will have to rely on Trent as a guard. Not that I don't trust Trent. He's probably the only person in my life that I do trust. But I still hate the idea of it.

The games can go on for weeks so sleep is inevitable. From memory my mother hardly slept during her games. Went over forty eight hours on zero sleep and after that point only ever sleep for two hours at the most. But I'm not Johanna. At least I hope I'm not...her voice suddenly entered my head.

When you're in that arena with an axe in your hand you won't even know who you are anymore because like me, it's all you know.

I screamed again but this time in frustration. To kill or not to kill?!. I won't do it. I'm not her. I'm different. I'm Victoria, and I'm not a killer. Well, not yet. Okay no, not ever. I made a promise to Trent and I'm keeping it. Screw being the first ever female tribute to receive a score of twelve!. Screw being the daughter of the legendary axe murderess Johanna Mason!. And finally screw Johanna for having me and getting me into this mess in the first place!.

I screamed again. Maybe if I scream hard enough into my pillow I'll smother myself and die. Better than dying in there anyways. Would people cry when they watch me go?. The girl who had it all but refused to kill. The girl with all the odds in her favour but refused to play. Would that mean anything? Would anyone care?...would she cry like she did that day in the clearing?. Would she weird her axe until her hands are covered in blood, until the pain feels better than the loss?. Would she regret shutting me out?. Would she die in pain knowing I was prepared emotionally and physically for this but decided to die anyways. Would she believe I was actually suicidal and not bluffing before the chariot ride. Would she think it was her fault for not noticing signs?. Would she think it was her fault for shutting me out? For denying me any form of love so I'd be able to kill mercilessly without hesitation?. So it'd be easier for the one person she loved more than anything in the world? So I wouldn't be screaming every night into my pillow like she does?...

Maybe in an ideal world. A world where I actually know Johanna and how her mind works. Instead they'll forever be unanswered questions running through my messed up head.

A light knock woke me up earlier than I had to be. When it dawned on me that it's actually morning I felt my whole body drown in dread. In six hours will I be dead?!...

Not waiting for a response, my door slowly opened to reveal a disheveled Trent. Bed hair, bags under his eyes and a smirk that for once didn't reach his eyes.

I rubbed my forehead and sighed. "We're not supposed to see eachother before the games today".

Trent shrugged. "Never followed rules before and don't plan to start now".

I nodded. "Obviously".

Trent bit his lip and sighed. "Uh-I just thought of something. If we don't see each other on those platforms just go left. If we both run to the left then we'll eventually find eachother".

Oh, I hadn't even thought of shit like that. I nodded again. "Yeah good thinking. I was going to avoid the bloodbath anyways. I mean, the name says it all".

He gave a light chuckle but I could tell he was just as scared as I was. "Good. Well, I should go before the peacekeepers come to escort us so..". He indicated behind him towards his room.

I gave him a tight lipped smile. "Yeah okay. I-uh good luck".

He scoffed and shook his head. "Yeah and may the odds be ever in your favour".

"Our favour".

He turned back to me and gave me solemn look. "Our favour". He gave me a final once over before closing my door. I listened to his footsteps go back into his room before lying back down onto my bed dramatically. I've never wanted to stop time so much in my entire life.

I ate breakfast alone while being guarded by peacekeepers. As if I'm going to run at any second. I'd piled my plate high with food while a jug of water was placed beside it. Eat. I need to eat. Only I can't. I feel like my body is rejecting it. Forcing it down made me queasy and yet I'd swallowed down two glasses of water as well.

I'm not a hunter. I don't know how to hunt animals or fish. I don't know which plants are edible apart from what grows in my district. But my District grows trees so yeah, I don't know how I'll go in the arena. From what Trent and I learned in training this week, we suck at survival skills. Between us we still haven't managed to learn fire making. Plus, I know when it comes to plants we'll be guessing and hoping for the best.

I pushed my plate away from me and thus I was escorted to the elevator where I was surprised to find Johanna. She looked mad. Livid even. She rolled her eyes at the peacekeepers behind me. "I've got it from here".

I sighed and stepped into the elevator with her. I watched as her hand hovered over my shoulder before she tusked more at herself and dropped it. I gritted my teeth but let it go, really feeling that ol'motherly love.

Up six floors and then I'll be in a hovercraft, alone and entered into a deathly arena. Johanna stared at the numbers climbing up before she turned to me with a sharp look. "You're sticking with Trent, right?. That's your play?".

I frowned and nodded. "Yep".

She nodded and closed her eyes before opening them again. Her eyes on the elevator doors as if daring them not to open. "Make sure he has something on him. Kids won't come after you guys if you're both armed. Corner of the blood bath, not too far in but plenty of space to get in and out. Don't make eye contact with anyone on the pedestals beside you. You find high ground it's the best chance of finding water. Don't drink it straight away even if you're on the verge of death, you use those iodine tablets. They're found in backpacks which again, you're only going to get at the cornucopia.".

I nodded my mind trying to save as much of the information she suddenly decided was worth spewing at me.

She clicked her tongue. "So, at the bloodbath what are you going to do?"

I stared at the doors like she was. Trying to at least be more confident then I felt. "I'm going to get two back packs and two weapons which are the closest. I'll be in and out with no eye contact with other tributes".

She breathed a sigh of relief and nodded. "Good. Then what are you going to do?".

Shit okay. I nodded in thought. "Run to higher ground and make sure Trent and I are both seen leaving the bloodbath with weapons in our hands".

She rolled out her shoulders, still looking determinedly at the doors. "Good. And what are you going to do if you're on the outskirts of the bloodbath where the backpacks are but see a few axes in the heart of the cornucopia?".

I paused. Would I go for it in the moment?. I know it's suppose to be an easy answer. But honestly I could easily win with an axe in my hand. After all I've been training with it since age of three and got a score of twelve.

Not at all liking the sudden quietness, Johanna whipped her head down to me with a pointed look. "You leave it. You can't protect yourself in the heart of the cornucopia without allies and you have none. Understand?".

I swallowed down my slight fear. I would've gone for it. And she just proved that I'm not ready for this. I nodded. "I understand".

She sniffed in approval. "Good. The outskirts and nothing more. That's your play."

I exhaled as the doors suddenly open to reveal the rooftop with a hovercraft. Damn it looks so big. I went to walk but Johanna stopped me. She actually pulled on my arm and then dropped it. I rose an eyebrow at the sudden use of touch. She exhaled and bit her lip at me. "I know you probably hate me but it's not my job to be liked or loved by you. It's to prepare you for life and you, being my daughter were always going to end up here. You'll be okay in there, Victoria. I'll be watching the entire time. I'll do my best to get you sponsors but apart from that you're on your own.".

She dug into her pocket and pulled out a silver necklace with a small sparkly leaf on it. She traced the leaf before putting it into my hand with a small genuine smile. "I know it's not much. But it was my token back in my games. Who knows, it might just still work".

Oh fuck. She's crying. I can literally see a tear falling down her cheek. She went to embrace me and as she did so I stepped back in panic. A look of dread crossed over her face as she went to hug me again and yet I stepped back in more panic. I felt my breathing increase. "I-I'm sorry Johanna, but I can't".

I can't do this...

I didn't wait a second longer before turning my back on her and running towards the hovercraft. I don't know what I was running away from. But I just knew I couldn't endure watching her break. I can't watch it when she's treated me like a burden my entire life. But now I actually know, she's loved me all along.