3

My day was hell. The very definition of the word. Mondays were always a paperwork day (I got paperwork allowances a few times a week because I was the head of the team), and while my relationship with desk work had improved significantly, I would always enjoy being in the field more. The paperwork didn't seem to kill me as much now. Today was different though.

I had turned up to find that the new guy in the team hadn't filled out his reports for the past two weeks. I was normally lenient, and the guy had apologised and done them immediately, but they were all wrong despite my explicit instructions. Half my day was spent re-doing them, and so I put out the rota late, which had also been a nightmare and I was still a guardian short for an event on Wednesday. I had other small things that kept going wrong, and to top everything off, I still couldn't decide what to do about Hans' job offer and took up the majority of my brain space. Part of me wanted to accept the president job, just because it was the very highest a guardian could get, but the other part of me felt incredibly sad about leaving Lissa. It had been a dream come true to finally get to be her guardian, let alone the head royal guardian. I had my own team and a good wage, along with getting to be with Lissa all the time. I couldn't decide if I wanted to give that up for a desk job, however high up that desk job was.

On top of all my work worries, I couldn't help but think about Dimitri and Vasily. It had been so strange to bump into Dimitri and rekindle our friendship, and my heart yearned to be near him, to have that comfortable companionship. I couldn't tell if it was just because I hadn't seen him for so long, or if seeing him had brought back some of my old feelings.
Vasily was a whole other issue. I had meant what I'd said to him, and I really was open to seeing if something could happen, I was just worried about what would happen if he had feelings and I didn't. I knew from past experiences that I found it really hard to develop feelings. I'd tried for months with a guy, about 2 years after Dimitri had left, and it had just never happened.

I huffed, and packed up my things on my desk, readying to go home. I knew I shouldn't, but I couldn't help but send Dimitri a text after how easy the conversation was last night, how it made me feel.

What you up to?

As before, he replied within a few minutes as I was walking out of the guardian building.

Not much. How was your shift?

Paperwork day. Absolute burning,

stinking, rotten hell.

That bad.

Worse.

Talking to Dimitri, even over text, made me relax a little. It was strange how we had only started talking again after years this weekend, and yet it felt like we had never stopped. I didn't even hesitate before typing out:

Do you want to meet for pizza tonight?

I could do with a distraction.

Is that all I am to you?

A mere distraction.

Entertainment.

Shut up.

I'm offering free pizza.

Take it or leave it.

I'll be there. What time?

I'm leaving now, I'll be home in 15.

See you soon.


My day suddenly didn't feel as bad, and I thought a lot about my dilemmas on the walk home. I decided that I would go and give Hans my answer tomorrow, not wanting to delay Dimitri any longer. Even if I didn't know what answer I was going to give to the job proposal.

My attention was pulled from my musing when I pulled open the door to the royal guardian housing block. Dimitri was stood in the reception, and I had to fight to keep a smile off my face.

"You're early," I said, feigning indifference.

He shrugged.

"I was already out when you texted, figured I might as well come straight here".

I was burning to know what he had been doing, considering he had told me yesterday that he had literally nothing planned, but I resisted and walked to my door, pulling the keys out of my pocket.

"I don't actually have any pizza, we will have to order in," I said as I opened my door, not bothering to let him in first, as I would with any other guest. Dimitri had been here enough times before. He nodded absentmindedly, whilst looking around my apartment carefully. I suddenly felt rather embarrassed. It wasn't dirty, but he used to keep things much tidier. He had also seen it before when he had brought me home last night, but somehow it felt more exposed now that I wasn't drunk, and he wasn't busy looking after me.

"You can tidy up if it bothers you," I said a little defensively, letting my embarrassment get to me. I was never bothered about my flat around Vasily or the others, but then again, they weren't neat freaks like Dimitri was.

"It doesn't bother me" Dimitri whispered. "It... it feels familiar. Like I'm..., nevermind". He shook his head as if trying to clear away something, and then turned and smiled at me.

"Do you want to order pizza or shall I?" he asked.

"You can, I'll go and change whilst you do".

He nodded and went onto his phone as I walked to my room. As I pulled on some joggers and a tank top, pulling off my sports bra and sighing at the comfortable clothing, I heard him order the food. He got my order exactly right.

"You still remember my order?" I asked as I walked out of my room, letting my hair out of its tight knot. He nodded.

"I presume it hasn't changed?"

"Nope. Don't fix what ain't broke" I teased, giving him a wink and flopping onto the sofa. It was only a two-seater, and so I put my back to the arm, pulling my knees into me so that we weren't sat shoulder to shoulder.

"How long?"

"15 minutes".

The atmosphere was almost awkward, and I was feeling the need for some alcohol. I really needed a detox soon.

"Want a beer?"

He nodded, and so I padded to the fridge and got two out. They were about the only thing I actually put in myself. Lissa always did the rest. Not bothering with glasses, I handed him one and sat back down, taking a few sips.

"So how was your day?" I asked, searching for a conversational topic whilst we waited for the pizza.

"I...," he hesitated, and pain flashed on his face. "I went to visit Tasha's grave today. That's where I was when you texted" he said quietly.

My heart lurched. Tasha had been executed a few months into Lissa's reign and it had been a really tough time. We had all been close with her, I still felt sorrow and sympathy towards her despite what she had done, and her execution had affected us all. Christian suffered the most, as expected, and it had caused a big rift in his relationship with Lissa because of her role in the execution. Whilst she legally would have been able to stop it, she politically couldn't, and both of them had struggled with that. It had taken years of therapy, both individual and as a pair to get through it.

"I'm sorry" I breathed, leaning forward to rest a hand on Dimitri's shoulder. He moved slightly, leaning into my touch. "We all still struggle with it," I said, and it was true. I still found it hard that I had been the one to expose her, and often thought about what would have happened if I had found another way.

"I wish she had respected our relationship".

"I know, me too" I whispered. "But a lot of people didn't back then. They thought it was just a teenage infatuation on my part and lust on yours. They couldn't see how strong our feelings were".

"But we could". He turned to face me, a small smile on his face.

"Yeah, we could" I echoed, before a knock on my door made us jump. I snatched my hand back and Dimitri leant away. I hadn't realised how close we had gotten.

I jumped up off the sofa to get the pizza, grabbing some cash from my bag. The pizza guy handed me the boxes (definitely more than just two pizzas) and I tipped him, thanked him, and padded back to Dimitri. I pulled the coffee table closer to the sofa and flopped down, putting the boxes in front of us and opening them. Dimitri really had remembered my order. There were two pizzas, one pepperoni and one margarita, along with doughballs, garlic bread, onion rings and dips. I immediately grabbed a piece and tucked in, moaning audibly (Dimitri shot me a surprised look) at the taste.

Once we had eaten all we could, I laid back happily and sighed.

"I'd forgotten the facial expressions you make whilst eating pizza" Dimitri laughed. "I genuinely think some of them are never seen in day to day life".

"Well comrade," I said, my head resting on the back of the couch and eyes closed, "That's because I very rarely find the joy that pizza brings". I made the comment jokingly, but it didn't seem to have that reaction in Dimitri. He looked away, a flash of pain in his eyes.

"I never meant to hurt you," he said, staring at the floor. I was shocked by his sudden topic change, but my heart gave a gentle squeeze.

"I know," I whispered. "I don't regret what we had at all, it was worth the pain". He turned to look at me, pain all over his face.

"I don't either". His voice was soft and smooth, reflective. "I was the happiest I've ever been when we were together". His words made my chest tighten, and a small smile appeared on my face.

"Me too". The words felt simple and cheezy, yet they expressed exactly how I was feeling. Exactly how we were the same, felt the same.

He leant forward and slowly brushed a piece of my hair behind my ear, almost as if it was a habit and didn't realise he was doing it. My breath caught in my throat, and his eyes met mine at the sound. His lips were slightly parted as if he was in awe of something. They were full and luscious and made me remember what it was like to kiss him. To feel those lips on my neck, my legs, other more intimate parts of my body.

"You've cut your hair," he whispered. His fingers were still on that strand of hair, thumb resting gently on my chin.

"I..." I stuttered, trying to force the words out despite my brain fog. "I did... years ago. It was getting too hard to manage. You probably hate it, you loved it long". My words were breathy and thick and filled with insecurity.

"I loved you, Roza," he whispered, eyes meeting mine. "The hair showed off your personality, it was disobedience to our culture, the culture that forced us into jobs, sneered on dhampir relationships and treated young women like you disgustingly."

His words shocked me so much my lips parted slightly. They were filled with passion and vehemence.

"So you didn't love the hair?" I asked timidly as if my world had been changed. He chuckled, a deep throaty sound that made my belly clench.

"Oh, I loved the hair itself, Roza, but yes, the symbolism always reminded me of your fiery personality, that you would fight for things to change no matter the consequences, that you would fight for us".

"But I didn't fight for us in the end," I whispered, my voice catching as the pain reared its head and a small tear fell from my eye.

"Oh, Roza" Dimitri sighed, his voice also thicker than usual. He shuffled position, and pulled my body against his, wrapping an arm around me, wrapping me in his familiar scent and warmth. It felt like coming home, and it shouldn't have. I shouldn't be having the feelings that ran through me.

"We both fought as much as we could," he said. "We were breaking ourselves, and made the best decision we could. I don't know why it didn't work, but it didn't. However much we wanted it to".

I nuzzled into his chest as he spoke, feeling the deep vibrations, and he held me tighter against him, laying his cheek on my head. We stayed like that for a few minutes, neither speaking. After a while, I took a last deep breath of him and sat up, shuffling back to my earlier position.

"We should have spoken about this sooner," I said softly. "I really struggled for years, and I think this conversation would have helped".

"I'm not so sure," he said quietly, sadly. "I think we've both only just gotten to the place where we can have this conversation. Where we've learned enough about ourselves, made enough of a life to be able to have this conversation without going back to old mistakes".

A part of me shut down at his words. Did he think our relationship was a mistake? I knew he didn't regret it, but would you could not regret something, and still think it was a mistake. His words also made me feel embarrassed about the feelings that were running through me, and clearly weren't in him. I pulled away from him and moved back to my original position on the sofa.

"I have a favour to ask," I said suddenly, in a voice that was hinted with a slight coldness. It was a clear topic changer, one that showed my defensiveness and even that he had hurt me, but I didn't care. I spoke again before he could comment on it.

"I'm a guardian short for an evening event on Wednesday for various reasons. I would cover it myself, but I'm already on duty and no-one else is free. Its a pretty big event so I've already got the majority of the team on. I know you've got this week off, but would you do me a favour and guard? It should be an easy job".

His eyes told me he knew exactly what I was doing, but thankfully, he didn't comment on it.

"Sure," he said, his voice back to the usual timbre that didn't give away what he was feeling. "What time?"

"I'll send someone over with the details," I said, standing up and beginning to clear things away. He got the message, and stood up to leave, hovering by the door.

"Thanks for tonight Rose, it was nice to chat". I gave him a smile that I gave everyone, no feelings displayed on my face.

"It was," I said, feeling the lie punch me in the gut as the words came out my mouth. He gave a small nod, and left, leaving me to deal with the warring emotions within me. Leaving me to pick up the pieces once again.


"Hey, Vasily" I called, running to catch up with him as I walked to work the following morning.

"Rose!" He turned around with a small smile on his face. "To what do I owe this honour".

"Shut up you moron," I said, punching him in the shoulder and continuing walking. "I need a favour".

"Oh, what sort of favour," he said winking, earning him another punch in the same place. He rubbed it, eyebrows raised.

"I need you to cover for me, I'm meant to be guarding the Queen but I need to talk to Hans. I know it's your gym time, but I won't be long. I'll make it up to you..." I pleaded.

Vasily was one of the only guardians I could ask to cover me. Royal guardians had a system whereby there had to be a senior royal guardian on shift at all times, to watch over the others. Vasily and 2 others were the only ones I could ask.

"I mean I can't say no really, can I" he joked. "You are my boss, you could just tell me".

"Ok then, cover my damn shift" I winked. He gave a nod and a salute that made me laugh.

We walked towards the palace together until I turned off to the headquarters. My stomach was churning now that I was alone. I still had no idea what I was going to say to the job, as always, I would be trusting my gut.

The guardians nodded me up to the head corridor with a flash of my badge, and as I took each step, my nausea grew. I was even so nervous that I sat in the waiting room, actually waiting to be called into the office for once.

"Rose?" Hans said questioningly as he stepped into the waiting room. "What gives? You're normally beating down the door if it's locked, let alone waiting in here when it's open".

I gave him a small smile and stood up.

"I like to keep you on your toes".

He raised his eyebrows but beckoned me to follow him into the office.

"I presume this is about the job offer?"

I nodded.

"Well, I'm certainly glad to see you so soon. Belikov has been giving me grief about wanting to know what he is going to be doing."

Those words really didn't help my decision. I was not only deciding my future, but Dimitri's too. I perched in the chair opposite Hans.

"So what is your answer..." he pushed, apparently just as weirded out about my attitude as I was.

"I..," oh god, what was I going to say...

"I don't want it" I blurted out, feeling an immense pressure lifting from my head. Hans' face didn't give anything away.

"It's a huge honour to be considered of course" I garbled, "but I can't, no, I don't want to give up guarding Lissa. In fact, I don't even want the vice-president job". His eyebrows shot up at that.

He sat back in his chair and was silent for a few seconds, clearly thinking what to say.

"Well, how about this," he started. "You don't need to give up guarding to be the vice-president. You could work out your workload with Belikov, who I'm sure would be very accommodating, and you could still do the odd guarding shift while able. Probably as many as you do now even until you hit 35. The only thing you would need to drop would be the head royal guardian duty. Your job would be very similar, but you would be managing the whole guardian team instead of just the royal team".

I thought it through in my head. I really liked my job, and the team I had built. Did I want to move on and give that to someone else? Was there anyone I trusted enough to take on the job?

"You know what Hans," I said, leaning forward and feeling everything moving into place, "I think I'll take you up on that." His face broke into a grin. "I have just one demand".

He raised his eyebrows and threw me an exacerbated look.

"She's back ladies and gentlemen" he sighed. "You always do have demands. What's this one."

"I want to pick my successor."

"And who would that be?"

"Vasily. Guardian Kuznetsov."

He leant back in his chair again, and I could see his brain working, thinking through my proposal. The silence was killing me. I meant what I said, I really wouldn't take this job if Hans didn't appoint Vasily, I couldn't trust anyone else to manage the team guarding Lissa.

"Okay."

"Okay?" I squealed. "I thought I was going to have to convince you!"

"Well, sure Kuznetsov is a little young, but you were very young for the position, and you proved yourself. I think he's an ideal candidate."

I smiled broadly and shot up, jumping around the desk to give Hans a hug. He returned it briefly and then waved me off, a blush forming in his cheeks and a small smile filling his face.

"I'm sad you didn't take the president job, Rose, it would have been momentous in our society to have a female president, but I understand. It probably wouldn't have suited you as much as it will Belikov".

It warmed my heart that Hans was still trying to better things for female dhampirs, and I was even happier that he accepted and understood my decision.

"How long?" I asked, sitting back down.

"How long until I tell Belikov, or how long until I retire?"

"Both," I said, winking. My well-known snark had now returned.

"Well," Hans started as he considered the time-line. "I'll get Belikov in today if I can, and I imagine the transition period will start in a few weeks. The Queen is rather impatient". He almost sounded sheepish at those last words.

"Why..." I asked, giving him the eyebrow. Yep, he was definitely sheepish.

"I may have extended my service for a... while".

"Just how old are you?" I asked suspiciously.

"63". He said it matter of factly and began speaking before I could even comment. "I'll arrange a meeting with you and Belikov for Thursday to discuss your job roles. Book the whole day off, I imagine it will take a while. And Rose, I probably should have asked this before, but past... relationships, with Belikov, it won't be an issue, will it?"

His new line of questioning stopped me from commenting on the fact that he was 3 years overdue for forced retirement. Probably the first guardian in history who had gotten away with that. No wonder Lissa was so stressed.

"I don't think it will," I said quietly, thinking about last night and what Dimitri had said.

Hans nodded, and I left, returning to my guard duty in the palace, relieving Vasily, with my head spinning about the new job, what Dimitri had said, and just how we were going to make this work. I was going to have a stressful few weeks.


I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Just a short note, I was originally planning to have this be only 2 or 3 chapters. Obviously, I've realised my word count per chapter would be MASSIVE, so it will be a short story instead. Definitely under 10 chapters! I've also gone back and re-written my other two chapters, I realised that the formatting didn't come out right (especially the texting) and it was super hard to read. I normally write on word and then just upload the doc, but I've done this one differently. Let me know if there's anything else I need to change!

As always, thank you so much for all the incredible support!