6

I tore at the thin fabric of the vest I was wearing, trying desperately to get air back into my lungs as I was dragged under. Dragged under by the fighting emotions in my heart, what I had done, what I wanted to do, what I should do.

I had gone on a date with Vasily, who I cared about very much, mere hours after having sex with Dimitri. Not only that, but I had a love bite on my neck, placed by Dimitri. A fucking love bite. I was a whore, and even worse, a dishonest one. How had I thought still going out with Dimitri was still a good idea! Wait... Vasily. I went out with Vasily. Slept with Dimitri.

It was happening again, the Dimitri madness. The giving up of my morals for him. I was giving myself up. I would become a hollow shell. I would lose my position and simply be seen as that dhampir girl associated with Guardian Belikov.


I shot out of my bed after finally untangling myself from the sweaty sheets and raced into my kitchen for a glass of water. I gulped it down, the cool sensation anchoring my thoughts so that I could extract and deal with them one by one.

I collapsed onto my sofa, not bothering to turn on the lights despite my black-out curtains, and pulled my knees up into my body, looping my arms around them. I rested my head on my knees and took deep breaths, screwing my eyes shut until I felt calmer.

I was no stranger to panic attacks.

I'd had them nearly every day for the first year after Dimitri had left. Every few days the year after that.

I learnt that the more I filled my life with those who loved me, those who cared for me, the less I would have the attacks. The more I worked on myself, the less I had them.

I actually took a few months out towards the end of the second year to focus on myself. Everyone had known how much of a shell I had become, I knew, and I also knew that I had to get myself back.

I could let no relationship take that from me, despite how much I had loved him.

How much I had wanted us to work.

It took a lot of hard work, there were ups and downs, but I learnt how to love myself again. How to live my life and savour the good and the bad. How to live my life without him.

And here I was now.

I hadn't had a panic attack for over 5 years.

I felt embarrassment and shame flooding through me. Shame because I was losing myself again and Dimitri had only been at court for a week. A fucking week. That was all it took for me to break.

I was weak. Weak and vulnerable. Weak, vulnerable and a victim. The three things I hated most.

I thought back to his deep, brown eyes that seemed so bottomless and open when I gazed into them. Eyes that seemed to resonate with my soul, eyes that made all right in the world. Eyes that didn't feel that way about me any more.

Then I thought about sweet, kind Vasily. Vasily who was sexy and funny and deserved so much better than a girl who had just had sex with another man. A girl who still loved a guy she broke up with 9 years ago.

A girl who was no longer in control of her actions.

The hot prickle of tears brought my thoughts back to my body.

I couldn't go down this route again, I just couldn't.

Sorting myself out the first time took years, and even then I nearly failed. I wasn't sure I could do it a second time.

No, scratch that.

I was Rose Hathaway.

Bad-ass bitch.

Everyone has their down-times. Its totally normal, and ok. I'm not weak, I'm stronger than most for getting through what I do.

Maybe if I said it enough times it would come true and I would be ok.

I ran my hands through my loose hair and lifted my head up from my knees.

I couldn't let him do this to me.


Knowing that more sleep was off the cards for me, I went back into my room and threw on some running gear. I always ran to deal with these emotions. The endorphins helped, sure, but it was more than that. It was the rhythmic pounding, the grounding discomfort, but most of all the time. Running gave me time to think through things. To work out solutions, but to also just muse.

With my all black running gear on, I grabbed a black cap and headed out the door. Yes, I looked a little ridiculous, like some undercover celebrity, but I didn't want to be recognised and stopped. There was always some guardian about that wanted to ask me a question, but with the cap on they didn't recognise me. That, or it was a common language that when I wore the cap I wasn't to be approached. On pain of death.

I set off at a steady pace, mindful that it would take me a while to warm my body up in the cold weather, and chose a route that ran right around the boundary. It was nearly always deserted, aside from patrolling guardians, and was a scenic wooded route that offered privacy. I normally did two laps, and today was no different. It was starting to get dark by the time I started my second, and so I picked up the pace a little, conscious that I had to be at work soon.

About halfway through the second lap, my phone buzzed, interrupting the loud 'top hits' playlist I was running to.

Comrade: Are you in the office today?

The nickname I had put Dimitri's number under made my heart clench. As did the text. I didn't know what to reply. What to say to him after what had happened yesterday, what had happened to me this morning.

Rose: Yeah.

Perhaps it was curt, but I was feeling curt. After a few minutes, his next text came through.

Comrade: Good. I need to speak to you.

Can I come by?

My heart fell. If I was to truly get over what had happened this week, I needed some time. Time where I didn't have to see him, time where I didn't have to smell his aftershave. But as usual, my job came first. They come first.

Rose: Yes.

Thankfully, no reply came, and I sped up my run, racing to get back to my apartment to shower and change.

Once I had done that, I headed off to work. Today was an office day, and while I often appreciated the chance for a bit of quiet and to get caught up on everything, I was dreading the space it would give my thoughts.

After entering the building, I went straight to my office. I usually had an open door, but I shut it as I walked in. I really didn't want to see anyone today and knew that if it were a dire situation, they would come in anyway.

I flopped into my chair, placing my brim-full coffee mug on the desk, and started laying out everything that needed to be done today. Thankfully, it was all monotonous, things that wouldn't take too much thinking to complete.

I set to it before a knock at the door jolted me out of my paperwork mindset. A quick glance at the clock told me it was nearly lunchtime.

"Hey, Rose. Can we talk?" Vasily said, walking into my office and perching on the desk. I didn't have the mental strength to make him get off, as I usually would.

"I'm not so sure that Chad is a good addition to the team," he said, not wasting any time.

Chad was the newest guardian on the royal team, the one who had made my day hell earlier this week for not filling out his paperwork properly.

I raised my eyebrows at Vasily.

"And why is that?"

"He just... doesn't seem to engage as much as everyone else. I don't know, I just get a weird vibe".

I stood up and moved around to where Vasily was, perching down next to him.

"What I'm about to tell you is strictly confidential," I said quietly.

It really was. I never shared personal information about the team with anyone, but Vasily was set to become the team leader in a couple of weeks, not that he knew it then. It was about time I started showing him why I made certain decisions. That, and he was going to find out soon anyway.

"When I first met Chad, he had just graduated from the academy in Ukraine" I began. "I was on a scouting trip, checking in at a number of academies to look for recruits. As I only had one space on the team for a younger guardian, the competition was stiff, and I had already looked at 5 other places. All of which had a fine selection of guardians, but none that were ready to go straight into the royal team."

I shuffled slightly and grabbed my coffee cup.

"I had prepared myself that I just wasn't going to find anybody on this trip, that's common, but then I met Chad. Instructors waved him off, saying he was too quiet or timid to ever make a good guardian but something intrigued me about him. He was withdrawn from his training, sure, but every now and then I saw a spark. A spark I hadn't seen in anyone for a long time".

A spark I hadn't seen since Dimitri, I thought to myself.

"Anyway," I said, getting back on track. "I asked for a private training session with him, much to everyone's surprise. He arrived 5 minutes early and was good. Really good. He was strong, skilled and quick. At the end of the session, I sat him down, to get to know him better. It turns out, he had been bullied since he could remember at the school. He was smaller than everyone then. The bigger guys roughed him up and excluded him, and it had a huge impact on not only his wellbeing but his training".

Vasily looked down and shook his head.

"We talked for a while, and he expressed interest in becoming a royal guardian. He wanted to show everyone that had made his life hell, wanted to prove them all wrong. By the end of the trip, I had made my mind up about him. He wasn't ready for the position yet, but I'd marked him as a potential. I arranged for a school transfer, to St. Vlads actually, and I asked Guardian Petrov to work with him. It was her last year, and so she agreed, eager to train up a royal guardian."

I paused to sip my coffee.

"She trained him well, but by the end of the year, when he graduated, I decided he still wasn't ready. He had a... I don't know, green-ness about him. Something reckless. So, I told Hans I wanted him assigned to a one-guardian family. He got given a 4-moroi family in rural Montanna, close by so that I could still monitor him, and he guarded them well. Really well. I checked up on his progress every few months, and it was working. He was becoming seasoned. Calculating and calm. His recklessness was slowly disappearing and in my next visit, I was going to invite him to join the team."

"What happened?" asked Vasily noticing my pause, voice deep and quiet.

"Strigoi," I whispered.

"They came in the human night, 6 of them, too many for him to take down by himself".

Vasily let out a low whistle.

"He fought as many as he could, but some got through and murdered the family. When I heard, I was sure he would be dead".

"But he wasn't," Vasily whispered.

"No," I agreed. "Chad took on 6 strigoi that night, using his stealth and wit to sneak around the house, dispatching each and every one of them. When the alchemists and investigative dhampir team turned up, it was like something out of a horror film. Chad was sat on the sofa, covered in blood, and surrounded by body pieces."

"Shit".

I put my hand on Vasily's and squeezed gently.

"I feel like a total dick for doubting the guy," he said quietly.

"Don't," I said earnestly. "It's part of your job. I rely on the judgement of the whole team. It keeps us safe. You just didn't know".

"And you probably shouldn't have told me," he said, a wry smile on his face. I returned it.

"Well, somebody had to know," I said, not wanting to give anything away. "And I wanted you to know how I choose the members of this team".

He nodded, still looking down at the floor.

I squeezed his hand again, enjoying the feeling of his warm skin on mine. Comforting.

"You obviously can't tell him you know, but maybe you could offer to show him the paperwork rules," I said smiling.

He didn't smile and was still looking intently at the floor.

"Hey," I said, sliding off the desk and moving in front of him. I gently lifted his chin up to meet my eyes, leaving my hand on his smooth jawline. "You weren't to know".

He smiled sadly and rested his hands on the small of my back, gently pulling me closer.

"I could have done more though," he whispered.

"That's true for all of us. It's a slippery slope to get out of that thinking."

He nodded.

"How did you get so wise?"

I smiled, gently running my thumb over his cheekbone from where my hand lay on his jaw.

"Experience," I whispered, vulnerability running through the word.

"Bad day?"

I nodded. Vasily knew me so well that I didn't have to hide. I didn't have to hide when I wasn't feeling good, and he would always be there for me but never pushed. Never overstepped the boundaries. He was just there if I wanted.

He linked his hands together behind my back, and gently pulled me even closer so that I was resting against his body, stood in between his long legs. I lay my head against his chest, embraced in his warmth. He gently rested his chin on the top of my head.

There was nothing sexual about the position, just comforting. So comforting. I felt my mind calm down for the first time today as I breathed in his familiar scent, and just for a few minutes, the world felt ok. I felt ok.

There was a sharp rap on the door and someone walked straight in, not bothering to be called. Had it been a guardian, I would have had a go at them. But I was in no position to have a go at this person. It was Dimitri.

Why did I keep getting walked in on at the worst possible times?

"I... I'm sorry, I'll come back later," he stammered, but there was a stormy look in his eye. A stormy look that told me just how he felt about the situation.

"No worries," said Vasily, as he stood up once I'd extracted myself. "I don't think we've met. Vasily," he said, holding out a hand. "Vasily Kuznetsov".

Dimitri took his hand, and even I could tell that his grip was hand-breaking. Vasily didn't even flinch and put on a friendly smile.

"Belikov," Dimitri grunted. "Guardian Belikov".

Unlike Vasily, Dimitri hadn't bothered to put Vasily on a first-name basis. It was petty.

Vasily, being kind and easy-going, didn't bother. He gave Dimitri a friendly nod and headed out of the office, leaving us alone. Not before giving me a wink and a grin as he left though. Thankfully, Dimitri didn't see.

"You wanted to talk," I said, moving back round my desk and sitting in my chair. I felt no need to be any closer to Dimitri than I had to.

"Yes."

His tone was harsh, annoyed and sharp.

"Hans has given me some paperwork we forgot to complete yesterday".

His mention of yesterday almost, almost brought down my cool facade. Almost let him see how much I was hurting.

"Leave it on my desk, I'll get round to it," I said, keeping my voice emotionless.

He sat down on a chair. Damn.

"We need to talk Roza," he sighed, his body language changing from annoyed to sad. The shift chipped away another brick in my wall.

"About what?"

I was feigning ignorance, and his raised eyebrow look told me he knew exactly what I was doing.

I leant back in my chair. Who would have known I would be so busy today. With men.

"Do we have more job responsibilities to talk about?" I asked, playing along with my ruse, adding humour to mask my anxiety as I so often did.

"You know I don't mean that, so stop it," he snapped, slamming his hands on the desk in a way that made me jump. Maybe the anger was still there after all.

"Dimitri," I said slowly, shocked by his outburst. It was so unlike him. "We can talk about it, sure, but only if you are going to be reasonable."

It seemed like something he would have said to me back in the day, in fact, our situations seemed to have reversed.

He rubbed his hands over his face and took a deep breath.

"I'm sorry, I'm just...".

I thought he was going to open up, but he stopped himself before he spoke the words.

He went quiet.

"I can't do it again," I whispered.

I had meant to say something else, break the tension by maybe comforting him. I really needed to start thinking before I spoke. You would have thought I might have learnt by now.

He looked up and met my eyes. I could tell there were pain and sorrow in them from his expression.

"Roza, I... I didn't mean to hurt you".

I shook my head.

"You didn't. It's just the situation".

He nodded as if he agreed.

"I find it hard," I said slowly. If I was going to tell him this much, I might as well bare my soul.

"I struggled for a lot of years after you left Dimitri. It took me a long time to become the person I am today and... and I don't want to lose that again".

"And I made you lose yourself," he said softly, looking down at the floor again.

"No... Yes...", I couldn't find the words. "No. It was us together that made me lose it Dimitri. I became this shell, a shell who relied on others more than herself, a shell that needed approval, validation just to function".

He stared up at me, a tear leaking from his eye.

I stood up and moved around the desk, perching next to him.

"We needed to have this conversation a long time ago, didn't we," I whispered.

"Yes Roza, we did". His voice was thick, and I reached for his hand. The simple gesture seemed to be enough reassurance for him to begin speaking.

"I struggled too. I didn't see anyone other than the family I was guarding for years. Eventually, they went to court for a short time, that was when you briefly saw me, and I decided that I would go and visit everyone back in Baia whilst I could. They all commented on how depressed I seemed, and the two weeks that I spent there showed me that I needed to start living again. And so I did, or at least I thought I did. It wasn't until I came back here last week and saw you, that I realised I wasn't living at all".

His words faded away. What did he mean by that? I wanted to ask, but couldn't bring myself to after the heartache he had already caused me. I probably wouldn't like the answer anyway.

"What did you mean by saying we were a mistake?" I asked softly, gently pulling my hand from his as I remembered the pain that comment caused.

"Oh Roza," he sighed. "I knew what that sounded like as soon as I said it, but you didn't give me chance to explain. I meant the mistakes we made together that caused us to split, not that our relationship was a mistake."

He paused and stood up.

"I could never say that our relationship was a mistake.

He moved closer to me and gently ran a hand through my hair in a position that echoed Vasily and me.

"It was the best time of my life".

His words sent an electric current through my heart, through my whole body. I'd been wanting to hear this for years, and now he was actually saying the words to me. He was touching me. He was really here.

"I..." I stammered as he brought his face closer to mine, looking at my lips. My hands were clammy and my heart was racing.

"I...". He was going in for a kiss I realised. I felt longing and passion and...

"I can't". The words burst from me as I turned my head away, looking at his shoulder. I still caught a flash of hurt in his eyes. "I'm sorry, but I can't do this again," I whispered.

"No I'm sorry, Roza," he whispered, turning away from me. "It seems I have read the situation completely wrong."

His guardian mask was firmly back in place, covering any emotions I might have seen.

I wanted to tell him he hadn't, tell him that I wanted him just as much as he wanted me. I wanted to tell him I still loved him and that I would happily be with him, but I couldn't. I couldn't give myself up to him again. I couldn't say the words.

He paused with his hand on the door handle, not looking at me.

"I do hope we can still be friends," he said quietly. "Even if it's hard at first".

I wanted to tell him it would be too hard for me. Too hard to see his face. Too hard to see him with other women and not have the right to say anything. But I didn't.

"Of course," I whispered as he shut the door, giving up yet another piece of my heart to a man I still loved. A man that loved me. A man that ruined me.


I hope you enjoyed that slightly sad chapter (and early update)!

I know this was originally meant to be 3 chapters, then 6, and we've just had 6 with no resolution...

Well.

The words keep coming and unless chapters become crazy long monsters, it's just going to have to be longer!

I'm moving the goal post to 10 chapters FOR NOW!

Anyway, please leave a review to let me know what you think :)