8

I had the strangest sensation of floating, or was I flying? My body was cold, so cold, yet for some reason my hand was hot. Why was my hand hot?

I didn't get the answer to my question because my thoughts were quickly consumed by a blackness again.


The next time I had any conscious thoughts (or at least I presumed they were conscious thoughts because who really knew what was going on any more), it was to realise I was in pain. A whole world of pain. My neck felt like it was on fire and doused in ice at the same time, the rest of my body felt like it had been dipped in lava.

I realised I hadn't died when I heard myself whimper.

Gradually, more and more of my senses came back. I could hear the rhythmic beating of a machine, I could hear the hiss of another machine. I could hear muted voices.

I tried to flutter my eyelids open to see what sort of world I had awoken to, only I couldn't. I wanted my eyes to open, I tried to open them, but they stayed shut.

I tried to move my fingers but they stayed still.

I tried to scream but no sound came out.

I heard the rhythmic beating machine increase in tempo, getting quicker and quicker as my anxiety rose.

I heard voices come into the room and whisper anxiously.

I heard one voice in particular that made me want to fight through. To fight whatever was happening to me, to fight to get back to him.

Just as quickly as I had become conscious, I felt a lull pulling me down again. It was dark and beckoning me to go to it and everything suddenly seemed like too much of a fight. I succumbed, letting the darkness pull me back down.


I became aware of the familiar heat on my hand. It was warm when the rest of me was cold. When I thought about it, I wasn't as cold as last time I'd had conscious thoughts. But I was still cold.

I flickered a finger on my hot hand.

I felt a gentle squeeze in return and heard whispering around me.

Focusing all my might, I slowly fluttered my eyelids, wincing at the bright light before my eyes were even open. Forcing myself through, I slowly saw the world I was in. My eyes felt dry and scratchy and I blinked furiously, trying desperately to clear my vision enough to see what was around me.

My eyes eventually focused on the luminescent strip lights above me. Lights that you would see in government-run buildings like prisons or hospitals.

I tried to turn my head to see why my hand was hot but I was met with resistance. I started to panic that I couldn't move my head until my world stopped all over again.

"You are ok," said a Russian-accented voice slowly and gently. A voice that I had heard when I thought I was dying. Or had died, I still wasn't sure.

I opened my mouth to speak but no sound came out.

Slowly, Dimitri's face came into view above me.

His appearance shocked me.

He had a beard. Not a full one, but definitely a few weeks of growth. When had that happened? His cheeks seemed more hollow than normal, he had huge bags and his eyes looked tired and worn. It hurt me to see him like that and a small tear leaked from my eye.

Very slowly, he stroked it away, his touch as light as a feather against my skin.

"You are ok now Roza," he whispered.

I heard the footsteps of another person entering the room, and Dimitri pulled away from me.

"Rose," the voice said. The voice was definitely a woman, she sounded young and kind and soothing. "You were in an attack," she said slowly, letting me turn over each word she spoke. "Your body sustained a lot of damage and you have been in a coma for the past 3 weeks".

This was not happening.

"I'm just going to feel your neck to see if we can take off this brace," she said. Sure enough, I felt cool hands. I hissed at the pain of her touching me, but the relief of the brace coming off was worth it.

"You still have a lot of damage and swelling Rose," she said as she stood back again, taking the neck brace with her. I could now see a little more around me. "You can move if you want to, but make sure you do it very slowly. I tried to look towards Dimitri but stopped, wincing at the pain.

I opened my mouth and tried to speak again, unsuccessfully. Swallowing, I tried again. A hoarse whisper came from me. On the third attempt, I was able to croak out two words.

"Pain. Water".

The nurse came closer to me and I could finally see her. She was indeed young, seeming in her mid to late '20s, with short brown hair and a friendly smile.

She brought a straw to my mouth and I took a sip of water, wincing as I painfully swallowed, but the water soothed my fiery throat.

"You will have pain Rose," she said gently. "You've been through a lot and have a long recovery ahead of you. I can increase your pain meds now that you are awake though".

I pursed my lips in a reply and she left the room.

Wincing, I started slowly turning my head towards Dimitri, bearing the pain to see him again. I tried to shuffle the rest of my body to make the job easier, but it just wasn't cooperating yet. Eventually, my head was turned enough so that I could see his large body sat on a small hospital chair. If I'd seen him sat like that in any other scenario, it would have been funny.

"Tell me," I whispered. It was slightly easier to get words out now that I'd had some water but it still hurt.

He shuffled his chair right next to my bed and gently held one of my hands in two of his.

A familiar heat came to my hand. So that was why it was always hot.

"A lot has happened Rose," Dimitri said gently.

"Start at the beginning," I rasped.

"When you called me I was in the office trying desperately to get news from the rescue team. Once you had given me your location you went quiet. I tried to get you to speak again for a few minutes before it was obvious you wouldn't. I could hear you choking and it was the worst sound I have ever heard."

He paused and took a deep, shaky breath.

"I ran to a car, calling a medical team on the way and gave them the location before I set off. I didn't want to waste the precious minutes waiting for them to assemble. By this time it was nearly light so I wasn't worried about strigoi. Only you. The drive took me 15 minutes. The whole time I had you on speakerphone, listening to any sounds I could hear. The last 5 minutes were the worst because I couldn't hear anything. I didn't know what was happening".

Dimitri's sentences were short, almost as if it was a huge effort to make himself speak them and there was a tear rolling down his cheek that I desperately wanted to stroke away.

"When I arrived Roza, you weren't breathing. Your skin was almost translucent. I started CPR as soon as I got to you and just had to wait for the medical team. Thankfully, they were only a few minutes behind me and quickly started working, pushing me out of the way."

He paused and looked down to the ground.

"The things I felt when I thought you were dead Roza." His voice was a whisper, almost as if he was speaking to himself. "I really thought I had lost you. I didn't know how I would continue living".

Other tears joined the one shed earlier. I felt them flowing down my cheeks too.

"I couldn't handle my grief Roza," he sobbed, head in his hands. I wanted nothing more than to get out of the bed and wrap myself around him.

"It was you," I rasped, enduring the pain. He needed to hear this if nothing else. "It was you that brought me back. I heard you shout. It jolted my soul."

He brought his red face up from his hands, eyes wide and lined with silver.

Painfully, I stretched out a hand to his cheek, resting it on his face and stroking my thumb along his jaw.

"It has always been you," I whispered.

His lips parted slightly as he took in the words.

As we stared at each other, both of us with streaming tears and red faces, I felt what my mother had said to me deep within my soul.

'You've given enough. Achieved enough. Rest now. It's time to put yourself first.'

My dear mother who had given everything she was to the moroi. Who had given her life to them without any consideration for the life and loves she would be loosing. I knew that it had just been a dream, but there would always be part of me that wondered if it had been more. I had died, my heart had stopped. Was that the start of the afterlife? Why could I still remember it?

I thought back to the last moments I remembered. I had been thinking of Dimitri and no-one else. I'd wanted to tell him I loved him. I wanted to tell Lissa and Eddie and the rest of the gang, even my old man, that I loved them, yet he had come first. My soul had been reaching out for his just as his soul had called mine when he jolted me awake. Our souls were still in sync despite the time we had spent apart. They would probably always be in sync.

As I looked into his beautiful, pain-ridden face I realised what I had been missing. Some say it is cliche, but it really had taken something this momentous for my true feelings to reveal themselves to me.

I loved Dimitri. I would always love Dimitri whether we were together or not. I couldn't offer anyone else the pretence of a relationship because my soul wasn't available, it never had been. It had always been yearning for this man in front of me. This rugged, passionate, powerful and quiet man that was the very opposite of my loud and obnoxious personality, and yet we were similar in so many ways. The ways we pushed ourselves to the very limits. The way we were constantly bettering ourselves. The way we would happily throw ourselves in front of anyone in need. The way we would sacrifice everything we had to help others.

As those thoughts clicked into place, filling my heart with so much emotion it felt like it would burst, images of our failed relationship ran through my mind like a film. Snippets of fights, the love-making afterwards, sacrifices and the bitter end. The bitter end that broke us both.

And yet, I still hadn't considered how he was feeling. As usual, I was getting carried away, caught up in my whirling and out of control emotions without a single thought about how this could all be in vain. I knew he was still attracted to me from the time he had tried to kiss me in my office, but I didn't know if his feelings matched the intensity of mine. Even if they did, I didn't know if I could do it. I didn't know if I could survive him again.

Looking into his deep and silver-lined eyes I could see that his feelings did match mine. Without him voicing words, I could see the intensity of his love, the promise that it would only ever be me, the promise of himself. I could see the tender feelings and the raw passion mixing together, fighting each other for dominance. I could see in his face how much he was holding himself back, whether he was holding back his words or holding back actions I couldn't tell, but I did realise how much of an idiot I had been. If I had only looked at him, truly studied his face, I would have seen all of this. I had been looking at him as a friend, trying to keep my own distance, wary of the hurt, and I had missed all of the signs. Signs that I would have easily picked up on had I not been too afraid to love.

I wanted to tell him all I could see, tell him all my feelings, but they were too much. Too new to express in a way that would truly expose them, and so, I said the words that summed them all up.

"I love you," I whispered, the words fluttering as I fought back the tears that threatened to choke me up.

He shut his eyes tightly, squeezing out the tears that had been lining them and let out a deep noise that sounded like a choke and a sob mixed together.

When he opened his bloodshot eyes once again, I could clearly see the love and adoration deep within.

"I have never stopped loving you Roza," he breathed, moving forward to rest his forehead against mine.

After we'd had a moment of just absorbing each other, I knew there was something else I needed to mention. Something that would take all of our energy and focus, regardless of our feelings.

"There... there's something else I need to tell you," I forced out.

"It's ok Roza, whatever it is, it's ok. Tell me later."

I started to shake my head, momentarily forgetting my neck, and hissed loudly at the pain.

"No, Dimitri," I said, trying to convey the seriousness of the situation. He apparently got it, as he leant back away from me and wiped his wet face, ready for the information I was about to reveal.

"I got attacked by 5 strigoi," I said, the horrid memories flooding back through my head. He raised his eyebrows but thankfully didn't interrupt me. "They wanted to use me to insight fear into our community, to make people panic and do stupid things. I think they are part of a bigger group Dimitri, and they're all really old. They are going to attack court".

I was cut off when a coughing fit took over. Dimitri ran to get me some water and after a few sips, I was ok again. I waited for his response and I could see his mind working.

"That...well it clears some things up Roza," he said after a while. "We knew it was strange that they left you, it is well known that the strigoi have been wanting to turn you for a while now".

I shivered, not wanting to think about that. I'd been part of a vast mission to take out a nest very early on into Lissa's reign, I must have only been 20, and ever since that night, all strigoi had been on a mission to turn me. Not one had succeeded yet (obviously), but I'd had to be more careful since I had a target on my head.

"There have also been attacks increasingly closer to court," Dimitri continued. "We put it down to a few young strigoi getting a little cocky, but we haven't seen them yet. Only the evidence. If what you say is true, we will need to start planning". His voice had gone low and serious.

I closed my eyes, suddenly feeling exhausted and he caught on, moving closer once again.

"You should rest Roza," he whispered, a small smile on his face.

"Don't leave," I muttered, needing his comforting presence near me.

"I haven't left for three weeks," he whispered, gently running his hand over my hair. I felt the weight of his duster being laid over me and the comforting smell of him wrapped around me, embracing me and lulling me into a deep sleep.


I felt better when I awoke. Sure, I was still in pain, but it was more of a background pain that I could just about ignore if I had something else to focus on. Thankfully, the sleeping Russian next to my bed provided a great distraction.

In sleep, all his worried vanished and his face softened out. The wrinkles on his forehead evened out and the laughter lines by his eyes softened and complimented his face. His hair was streaked with grey, but other than that was no different than when I first met him. It was still thick and luscious.

He was sprawled in the chair, arms crossed as he leant back and his t-shirt had risen up ever so slightly, revealing the v-line of his hip and the very start of an ab muscle. The mother hen within me wanted to pull the shirt down so that he stayed warm, but I had to admit he looked mouth-wateringly good.

As if he knew I was watching, he woke up and reached his hands to rub his face, still leaning back in the chair.

Before I got the chance to say anything, a doctor walked into the room.

"Rose, it's good to see you are awake again," she said. The woman was an older moroi with greying hair and a strict looking face. "I'm Doctor Hansen, I've been looking after you since the team brought you back to the hospital."

I gave her a small nod to show I understood.

"You were in very bad shape when you got here, you had arrested two more times on the journey back to court but they managed to revive you."

I looked to Dimitri's tired face. He hadn't told me that.

"They got three pints quickly into you in the field, just enough to restart your organs, and then we got another 3 pints into you more slowly once you arrived at the hospital. We had to operate on your neck to stop the bleeding, and then you were in a coma for just under 3-weeks."

I really had come close to death.

"As of now," the doctor continued, "you are out of the woods so to speak. You have a long recovery ahead, but that is more to do with the effects of the lack of oxygen and the coma on your muscles than the injuries you sustained".

I nodded again.

"I'm afraid you won't be on active service for about 6-months, but you should be able to go back to the desk work in a few weeks, as I say, your body will be fine by then, just weak."

"Will I need to stop doing anything?" I asked, dreading her answer.

"Other than guarding, no. In fact, you should try and do as much as you can do speed up recovery. I think you will find your body will be the thing stopping you, your muscles will be very weak and tire easily at first. You will be doing physiotherapy and training every day to get your strength back once you are discharged in a few days".

After checking the machines I was hooked up to, as well as the chart at the end of my bed, she left leaving Dimitri and me alone.

Forcing my muscles to move, I realised that she was right. It was a struggle to even shuffle onto my side let alone get out of bed and walk. Eventually, though, I managed to move.

Patting the space I had cleared, I invited Dimitri up and onto the bed next to me. He carefully laid down, wrapping a large arm under my head and letting me snuggle into his chest.

"So what changes," he asked slowly, tentatively as if he was afraid of my answer. He probably was after all the mixed signals I had been giving lately.

"I... I need time," I said after a long pause had passed. "I need time to learn to trust again."

I felt the soothing rumble of his chest as he spoke.

"We have all the time in the world, Roza," he said slowly, "but I need to know whether you can trust us again, trust me again and let yourself be loved. Whether you can truly break down the walls that you build after we split 10-years ago. I can't start down this road if you don't let me in".

This man truly knew me better than anyone else in the world.

"I will," I whispered, emotion lacing my voice. "I want you, I want us, we just need time to figure everything out again. We jumped into things so fast last time because we had gone so long denying everything. This time, if it is truly going to work, we need to learn how to live together, how to breathe together and how to be a couple. I need to learn how to give myself to you but to also keep a hold of myself and everything I value. I need to learn to trust again". The words rushed out of my mouth, tangled and complicated, but I knew that he would understand.

"Let's start at the beginning then," he said after a while. "Let's see where things go, see what happens, and take one step at a time".

I nuzzled his neck, feeling his beard scratch against my forehead, and he wrapped his other arm around my body, twisting so that we were lying chest to chest.

"Do you want to go on a date with me Roza?" he asked, smiling as he nuzzled his nose against my hair.

"A hospital date?"

"No. A proper sit-down, fancy dinner somewhere on court. I'll wear a shirt and you'll wear a dress. I might even try my luck at the end of the night".

Something about his accented words made heat rush to my core, or perhaps it was his body pressed against mine. Either way, it took me a while to answer.

"I'd love to Dimitri Belikov," I breathed, feeling a thrill run through me as thoughts of our potential future flitted through my head. Thoughts that had seemed impossible and stupid a few weeks ago. Thoughts that meant the world to me now.


I got such an overwhelming response to the last chapter, thank you so much! I've tried my very best with this chapter, it's a really important one in the story!

All the people that were crying out for Romitri a few chapters ago, I heard you and Romitri were always the plan ;) We shall just have to see if they can make it work again!

Much love.