This idea popped in my head just because I know intense moments can trigger trauma responses and lately mine have been a bit off the charts. So, in a sense I needed a place to work through it, so I used this chapter. Don't worry they will have soft moments again. For this chapter though there is a trigger warning for self harm mentions but no actions of it or descriptions.
Lena woke up slightly surprised that this time it wasn't because her son was crying for any number of things he needed. She quickly saw that Kara's side of the bed was empty and she quickly assumed that she must've gotten up to tend to the newborn to allow Lena to get longer periods of sleep. A quick check of the baby monitor in Charlie's room assured Lena that the toddler was still very much asleep, with Elsa curled up in her dog bed in the child's room. Lena gently got up from bed, ducked into the bathroom and then went in search of her wife and son. Lena heard soft music coming from the living room, so she made her way through the rest of the house to get to that space. She smiled when she saw Kara pacing back and forth with their newborn snuggled against her chest. Lena watched this for about a minute before Kara turned to pace in a different direction, allowing Lena to get a clear look at her wife's face and upon seeing it, Lena's smile disappeared. She could see tears streaming down Kara's face and she could see Kara trying to brush them away before they touched the infant's head.
"Kara." Lena knew her wife likely heard her standing there, but whatever was wrong, Lena didn't want Kara going through it alone. The hero brushed the tears away from her eyes and looked up at Lena.
"He was fussy, so I changed him and gave him a bottle about half an hour ago. I put it on the chart, so we didn't lose track. He fell back asleep pretty much right after he ate." Lena nodded and offered Kara a gentle smile as she walked around the couches.
"Well, I certainly enjoyed the extra sleep. But could you maybe tell me what has you so distressed."
"I'm fine." Kara's voice betrayed her more than the tears did, and Lena shook her head. "No darling, you aren't. It's ok if you don't want to tell me what is bothering you right now, but I just don't want you to think you have to hide in the living room to spare me from seeing you emotional." Kara tried to put on her brave face, but she couldn't, and she went back to pacing with Alex in her arms. Lena sat on one of the couches and just waited because even if Kara wasn't ready to talk, she meant it when she said she didn't want Kara to feel like she needed to hide her feelings.
"I had a nightmare." Lena nodded and waited for Kara to continue.
"I heard Alex starting to cry and that is what woke me up. Taking care of him helped me feel grounded in reality and I just can't put him down Lena. Not right now anyway." Lena nodded.
"Well, I am glad tending to Alex is helping you feel a bit more grounded, and I am sure he doesn't mind being snuggled with his mommy. Do you think you can tell me why you can't put him down?"
"If I hold him, I know he's safe…and so am I." That made Lena's heart sink into her stomach, and she wasn't sure exactly what to do next.
"Kara, we all went through something traumatic, so I understand you wanting to make sure the kids are safe, but do you think you could tell me why would holding him makes it so you are safe?" Kara made every effort to not meet Lena's eyes, but eventually she gave in.
"I needed to keep my hands busy and taking care of him does that." Lena nodded because she had no idea what else to do in that moment. Kara's nightmares had never caused this reaction before and their established system of dealing with them was not set up to handle this situation unfolding before Lena at 2am.
"Kara, can you tell me what would happen if you weren't keeping your hands busy?" Lena feared the answer, but if she had any hope of calming her wife and defusing this situation, she had to know what she was up against. Kara pressed a kiss to the top of her son's head and the infant snuggled deeper into her chest, causing a few more tears to slip from Kara's eyes.
"What does it feel like Lena?" Lena looked confused and a bit lost.
"What does what feel like love?" Kara walked over to Lena and gently picked up her arm and pointed to the healed scar from the last time Lena hurt herself. Lena's eyes snapped to Kara's and before the hero could pull her hand away, Lena reached out and grabbed it.
"Kara, listen to me, ok? It doesn't feel like what you think it will feel like. It feels like pain. Anything else your brain is telling you is a lie baby. It doesn't feel good or calming, it just hurts, and your brain tells you it feels like something else, but when it's over all that's left is pain and a huge amount of shame and guilt and you do not deserve that." Lena was trying to keep her voice from cracking, but she had never been on the other side of this situation, and she was overwhelmed with post pregnancy hormones as well as the emotions brought up by this situation.
"I hate this, Lena. I hate that every time things are stressful this fucking nightmare pops up like I am not going through enough. And I don't have a reason to be upset; you and Alex are ok, and AJ is healthy and safe. I have a beautiful wife, two great kids, a dog, I mean shit Lena if we didn't live in a high-rise we would have the white picket fence life. I don't have a reason to keep reliving this and being destroyed every time." Kara was careful not to truly raise her voice, but Lena could hear the anger and sadness in her wife's voice. Lena stood up from the couch and got as close to Kara as she could without invading the space where her son was sound asleep.
"Kara. You know why you are upset?" Kara shook her head.
"Because you lost them baby." Lena's voice broke as she dealt the harsh truth to her wife. Normally, Lena would never be this blunt, but she knew that part of why Kara was hurting was because while she forgave her parents for dying, she never worked through the pain of watching them and her home disappear before her eyes.
"You lost them, and it is more than appropriate to be devastated by that, ok? It wasn't like they died in a car wreck. You watched your family and your home just evaporate and then you suffered in that hell hole for years before you got to earth. Your brain is trying to heal baby, but it can't if you don't face it. No matter how good our life is, that nightmare will hold on until you decide you want to walk through it. The only way out is through." Kara couldn't stop the tears anymore because while what Lena said was painful to hear, she knew she needed to hear it and if it had come from anyone else other than her wife, she would've pushed it away.
"I don't know what to do Lena or where to start and I…I just can't put him down right now." Lena nodded in understand, but also had no idea what to do to help Kara pull out of the fog her brain threw her into. Lena realized that as much as she wanted to be there for her wife, this time, she could not handle it alone.
"Kara, I know you and I usually handle this alone, but how about we call your sister." Kara's lip quivered more and Lena held up her hands in surrender.
"No, baby listening to me. It's not to make you feel bad or like your emotions are too big for me. I would sit with you through literally anything, but this time I think you need to see exactly how many people will show up for you if you told them that you are hurting. Please, let me call your sister." Lena knew that her wife didn't want to scare her sister, but she also knew that Kara had to see that for once others would show up to 'save' her and not the other way around. Kara swallowed more tears and nodded her head, giving Lena silent permission to phone her sister.
Lena sighed in relief and quickly hit a few buttons on her phone before it began to ring on the other end. In any other situation she would feel guilty waking up her sister-in-law, but not this time.
"Lena? What time is it?" Alex sounded like the call had woken her from a dead sleep.
"It's just after 2am and I would say I am sorry, but I am not. I need you to come over here." Alex was much more awake now. "What's wrong? Are the kids ok? Are you ok?"
"The kids are fine and I'm ok, but Kara is having a rough time after having a nightmare and I think it would be good for her to see you." Lena realized Kara wasn't listening to her talk, so she didn't have to use coded words to convey the urgency of the situation to Alex.
"What kind of rough time? Is it her anxiety or panic attacks? I can come get her and bring her to DEO and let her get some energy out." Lena pinched the bridge of her nose, wishing that would be the solution to this problem, but it wasn't.
"Listen Alex, I don't know what this is exactly, but she said she can't put the baby down because she wants to make sure he is safe and holding him keeps her safe." Lena heard Alex move and assumed this caused her to sit up in bed.
"What the hell did she mean by that Lena?"
Lena took a deep breath, "she asked me what it felt like when I hurt myself Alex and I can't help support her and make her feel safe with two babies in the house and no other adults to help. So, I need some help." Lena heard Alex tell Kelly to wake up and grab her coat and Alex could be heard throwing on additional clothes and swearing as she dashed for her car keys.
"We will be there soon Lena. Do you need anything?" Lena looked up at her wife and shook her head. "I have no idea, but right now the two of you are all I know we need."
"Ok we are on our way. Can I talk to her?" Lena looked up at Kara, "love, your sister is on the phone. Can she talk to you for a bit?" Kara sniffled and nodded so Lena put her phone on speaker.
"Alex you are on speaker, but AJ is asleep so talk softly."
"Hey Kar."
"I'm sorry Alex."
"Hey, no being sorry. Kara we all have rough days and you guys have been through a lot recently. Sometimes intense things kick up old pain we thought we buried. You tell people all the time that its ok to need extra help."
"I hate this, Alex."
"I know you do Kara. But listen, its gonna be ok. You have Lena there and the kids are safe and I hear you have my little partner in crime snuggled with you, so you have your family Kara. We don't abandon family when one of us is hurting and we aren't about to start doing that tonight ok? Kelly and I are on our way to your place right now and we will start to figure this out."
"Ok."
"Ok. Do you want me to stay on the phone or will you be ok without it?"
"I'll be ok."
"Ok, we will be there soon. And listen Kara, I know this feels awful, but I am so proud of you for letting us help. I know it feels weird, but it is so huge that you are letting Lena help you and letting us help too. You need to understand that this is way braver than trying to suffer alone, ok?" Kara nodded and Alex seemed to know that because Lena quickly heard, "Kara, god damn it, use your words. Do you understand?"
"Yes."
"Ok, we will be there in about 15 minutes so just hang tight." The line went dead, and Lena tucked her phone away after taking the alarm off the front door to the penthouse.
"Love, is there anything I can do to help you right now? Run a shower? Make you something to eat?" Kara thought about the things that usually help her and nothing sounded appealing in that moment.
"Just don't leave." Lena instantly felt heartbroken for her wife, who in this dark moment just wanted to not be alone.
"I am not going anywhere Kara. How about you come sit with me though?" Lena took a seat on the sofa with a blanket in her lap and as much as Kara felt the need to keeping moving, she craved being near Lena more than constant movement, so she gently sat down next to her wife and allowed herself to have the blanket spread across her lap as Lena leaned her head against her shoulder.
"Is this ok?" Kara nodded and let her head gently touch Lena's, "yeah, this is good." They stayed like that in silence and Lena didn't push for anything else. She saw the text from Alex saying they were parking and would be upstairs soon and Lena didn't feel the need to respond back. The sound of the code being entered into the front door security pad told Lena that the couple was coming in the house, and she guessed Kara heard it too. Alex quickly made her way over to the sofa and kneeled in front of where the couple was still snuggled together.
"I see my partner in crime is still fast asleep." Alex smiled hoping that it would settle Kara to see she wasn't mad.
"He's a good sleeper." Alex offered her sister a soft smile. "Kara, do you think one of us could take him? Maybe put him back in his bassinet while we talk?" Kara looked at her son in her arms and felt torn.
"I would never hurt him, Alex." Alex shook her head. "Kara, I know you would rather die than hurt your kids, that's not what I am worried about. I know holding him makes you feel safe, but we need to talk about this and find some other things that make you feel safe." Kara knew her sister was right and that beginning to heal from this trauma would mean doing things that made her slightly uncomfortable while building up other ways of coping that were more sustainable. Eventually, Kara nodded and shifted the baby in her arms to hand him to Alex.
"Do you want me to hold him, or can I hand him over to Kelly?" Kara looked at Kelly and nodded. "Kelly can take him. He's gonna get hungry soon and need to be changed."
Kelly smiled, "I can handle that. If its ok with you guys." Kara nodded and Lena mouthed 'thank you' as the therapist gently took the baby from Alex and made her way toward the kitchen. Within earshot of the adults if she was needed, but closer to the things the baby might need and close enough to hear if Charlie woke up. With the kids tended to, both Lena and Alex could focus on pulling Kara out of the episode she was currently in.
"Kara, can you tell me what happened?" Kara played with her wedding ring and Lena ran her hand up and down her wife's leg to provide support
"It was the same nightmare. But when I woke up Alex was crying, and it made me think something was wrong. I fed him and changed him, and he was fine, but I just couldn't put him down Alex. I didn't want him to be in danger again and holding him felt real cuz even though he is tiny, his weight was grounding I guess."
Alex nodded, "I get that. Holding him reminded you he was safe and after how he was born that's big. But you asking Lena about how cutting feels is more of what has me worried Kara. Can you tell me about that?"
Kara shrugged her shoulders, "I just wanted something fast Alex. Like, I have kids who need their mom, and I can't have a daylong breakdown because of a stupid nightmare. I wouldn't have done it much, just enough to snap out it." Alex looked to Lena because this was not something Alex knew much about.
"Darling, take it from me, its very easy to get lost in that behavior. Your brain releases endorphins to keep your body from going into shock and so it tricks you into feeling good, but I promise that the second they go away, you are left wanting more and that's how it becomes a problem. I deal with urges to do it all the time, but it's not how I want to cope with things anymore. I deserve better. You made me see that. And now I am saying it back to you. You do not have to punish yourself for feeling pain Kara. You deserve better and baby this isn't it." Kara looked up at Lena and her face changed.
"You never told me you still were dealing with thinking about it. I could've helped you." Lena gently took Kara's face in her hands.
"Love, I know myself and anytime I felt like I was close to doing it I did tell you. But because of you and our family, I learned how to cope with those thoughts and its much easier to tell them to go away. That I do not need to hurt myself, I can reach out for help or doing something kind for myself and that is always better than pain that I cause for myself. Ok?"
Kara sighed and leaned against her wife who let Kara wrap herself in the blanket and just feel close to Lena.
"It's like the times I wish I had died with them. I never actually want to go anywhere or die, I just…want to be with them out of guilt and I can't shut that off. This feels like that. Like I don't really want to do it, at all. I know deep down I don't deserve it, but I just…don't want to feel this anymore. It sucks." Lena made eye contact with Alex who took off her jacket and sat on the living room floor.
"Kara. We all can tell you that you aren't to blame till we are blue in the face, but that voice in your head will tell you we are lying until you deal with this. Lena told you she knows when she is at her limit, and she needs help and right now I think you are at your limit and you need help. Real help."
"I can see the headlines now. Supergirl needs therapist. Besides you would never trust someone with my secret." Lena saw that that comment hit Alex different. Lena knew that Alex only ever wanted Kara to keep her identity hidden for safety, but in this moment, she realized it was causing her to hide far too much of herself and it was beginning to back fire on all of them; Kara especially.
"Ok, that one I deserved. Kara, I would NEVER stand in the way of you getting help in anything you ever needed. If you needed surgery one day and I couldn't do it, I would find the best doctor who could. I would bury them in non-disclosure forms, but I would not risk your health for a fucking secret, that you can count on. Same goes for right now. Kelly can find someone she trusts who is used to A list people and I will vet them so that I know if they ever even used to gossip in junior high. I can find you someone you can trust, and I don't give a shit about finding Supergirl a therapist, I care about finding Kara Danvers a therapist. Because yes, your trauma is from your home planet, but it is hurting you now, in this world, so this is where we start Kara." Kara looked at her sister and Alex had tears rolling down her face and this caused her to sit up.
"I didn't mean to make you cry with what I said." Alex shook her head. "You didn't make me cry. I made myself cry Kara. I know what it feels like to be asked to hide who you are, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone, least of all you. I only ever wanted to protect you because I always saw the world as this big bad place that would hurt you if it got the chance. And those dangers are real, and I can't always stop them, but over the last couple of years we have seen way more god than bad. We met people who we can trust, and I need to start to let go of this fear because I trust you and if you trust someone it's enough for me."
Kara listened to her sister and took a deep breath, "ok."
"Ok?"
"Ok, you can ask Kelly for names of people, and we can figure out someone for me to see. This isn't working anymore Alex, and maybe it never did. I just thought it would fade and be less painful, but Lena's right; I have to go through it and face it or its gonna follow me. And I don't want my kids to think they need to bury painful things." Alex sighed a deep sigh of relief and climbed on the other side of Kara, allowing her sister to hug her tighter than she normally does, but Alex didn't care. Lena let the two of them have their moment and she went in search of Kelly who she found in the kitchen trying to keep her son from crying too loud.
"I tried to offer him a bottle and he wasn't having it. He is clean so I am guessing he wants you for feeding and not this bottle." Lena smiled and took her son out of Kelly's arms and moved them all into the parlor where Lena got settled and began to feed the baby while Kelly sat nearby.
"They ok in there?" Lena nodded. "I think so. Kara agreed to let us help her find a therapist because us trying to tag team this is clearly not working, and she doesn't want the kids growing up thinking they need to hide when they are hurting. So, if you would be so kind to give us some names to start our search, I would be grateful." Kelly pulled out her phone and after a few moment of hitting buttons she tucked the phone away and Lena's phone buzzed. When Lena checked the message it was a list of about 5 names with contact info by each one.
"I made the list in the car on the way here. I went to school with two of them, the other three I met at conferences, and they all have clients who are famous or otherwise very keen on privacy. They pass extensive background checks every year and sign their fair share of NDAs so that should get you started." Lena was touched and slightly overwhelmed and brushed a few years out of her eyes in response.
"Thank you. This will make her feel better, I think. Just knowing we have a place to start."
"I'm glad to help. Are you ok though? Lot of stuff has happened in the week since you gave birth; in a hostage situation no less."
Lena shrugged her shoulders, "good as I can expect, I guess. Tired, then again so is Kara so at least we can tag team. Charlie has been great getting used to AJ. But all the hormones and emotions that pop up are getting a bit much. Certainly, doesn't help on days like today."
"Lena listen, I know I can't be a therapist for you, but it doesn't mean you can't also reach out if you just need to talk or vent. Like I love Alex with all my heart, but we fell in love with a very stubborn family and sometimes being able to vent and talk about them is healthy. Plus, there is a place I love to go for brunch that Alex hates so I need someone to go with me." Lena smiled genuinely and nodded.
"I'd like that. We can leave them at home with the kids and a list of chores. See what kind of chaos we come back to." Kelly laughed and shook her head.
"You are braver than I am. I let Alex set up a shelf once and it never has been level. I'm amazed she was so helpful when Kara was baby proofing the house for you."
"I'll have you know; I am very handy elsewhere in our home." Alex came into the parlor with Kara trailing behind her and Kara's face made everyone laugh.
"Gross Alex, not in front of my son." Alex rolled her eyes and held her arms out to Lena. "Can I steal my buddy away for our Alex's only club meeting?" Lena smiled and let Alex take the infant. "He needs to be burped so grab a towel just in case. Otherwise enjoy your meeting." Alex threw a burp rag over her shoulder and walked around the parlor with the baby while talking quietly to him. Kara leaned over and kissed Lena before pointing to the master bedroom.
"I am going to go shower really quick. Is that ok?" Lena nodded, "We are fine out here. Take your time. Maybe when its actually daylight we can have breakfast since we have a group of us here?"
"Will you make extra bacon?" Lena felt a bit better at that because it showed a glimpse of Kara slowly settling back down into her usual self. "So long as you and your sister don't fight over it."
Kara eyed her sister who clearly heard the conversation and flipped her off before running into the bedroom, knowing full well that Alex could not chase her due to holding the baby. Lena shook her head and turned to Kelly, "I told you, stubborn to the bitter end."
